A/N: This chapter feels a bit darker, but I think we see some character development happening? There is a brief description of self-harm, please be advised.
There is a line that Sirius speaks that is taken from Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix. There's something poetic about it him saying it to Lily.
This is my first time writing anything like this and it is my fervent wish that you continue to enjoy. While I do this for personal enjoyment and fun, I am open to constructive feedback.
-MAB
Chapter Twelve
Lily woke up to the mid-morning light, her neck and limbs beading with the perspiration of a dreamless sleep. Her fingers moved across the frayed outline of a quilt, the scent of burned toast and sausage satiated her senses… where was she?
Lily creaked an eye open, the light suddenly blinding. Ow. Bad idea. Her ears were ringing a deafening symphony as the pressure in her head kept building. She needed a hangover tonic. Quick.
Last night had been interesting to say the least. Lily hadn't realized how much she missed Regulus…being with him felt like it always had. His unique ability to make light of the darkest of moments was endearing. She only hoped Sirius would feel the same way about their fruitful reunion.
Lily's attention became drawn to the weight of an arm draped against her hip… to the shallow breathing of a chest firm against her back…
Severus?
Lily stirred, the movement triggering a primal response in Severus as he pulled her flush against his chest. His nose cradled in the crease of her neck, his lips tugging into a smile against her skin. Heat filled Lily's cheeks… the sensation felt so... Fuck. She needed to get out of here. Now.
Pushing on to the weight of her arm, Lily turned her attention to the rest of the room.
Regulus' lanky body lay sprawled over the sofa, his legs far too long for the length of furniture… Lily couldn't hold back her laugh. The comedic clarity was exactly what she needed to pull herself away from the heat pulsing through her.
Severus released her from his grip as he roused to consciousness, the smooth waves of sleep forming back into their usual stony cadence. Severus peered an eye open placing his hands behind is neck, "Good morning."
Lily felt suddenly shy in his gaze as she threw the quilt over the lower half of his body. His robes still intact from last night told her nothing romantic had happened but… something too real was forming between them that she couldn't justify looking at. She was afraid that if she did the pieces would manifest and shatter.
"I… need to go," Lily spoke abruptly, "I will let you know what The Order says."
Lily began searching the floor for her cloak, rubbing at her tired features, willing them to wake.
Regulus grunted from behind the sofa, his legs falling to the floor. "Nice seeing you, too, Lils. Send my brother my regards, will you?"
"You can tell him yourself, tonight. At Severus' place." Lily picked up her cloak and threw it over her robes, patting her hands over the creases.
"Oh?" Severus questioned from the bed, the smirk in his face telling her that he was enjoying where this was going.
Lily rolled her eyes. "We're going to need a place where we can map everything out and... that seems the safest."
"The gang… back together again." Regulus put his hand on his heart in passionate allegiance, "Will we be sending out Christmas cards as well?"
Lily shook her head in amusement.
"Regulus," Severus growled. "Go back to bed."
Regulus put his arms up in innocence as he turned his attention to lacing his boots.
Severus leaned up against the headboard, his hair falling over the frame of his face. "You already know my residence is at your disposal, Lily.
"I have a week before I'm due to go beyond the veil and have ingredients I must forage. Come and go as you please, but I can't confirm when I'll be in attendance."
"Do any of your books have information on the wards we can research?" Lily stood somewhat impatiently.
"I believe so…ask Reno for assistance. There's a few that I recall might be of specific interest."
Lily held Severus' gaze as her heart started to clench. The words left unspoken between them felt heavy on her tongue.
"So… it's settled, then. Tonight." Lily nodded to the two of them.
Lily didn't wait for further confirmation as she apparated back to The Burrow. She needed an ice bath and a hangover tonic, stat.
"Severus is willing to help us," Lily spoke confidently, standing at the table of the Weasley's residence later that evening.
"Men without allegiance are dangerous allies, Lily…" Dumbledore spoke directly. "How can we be sure his intentions are pure?"
Lily ran a hand through the waves of her hair as she considered. "He wants Voldemort to crumble from within… is that not enough? Who cares about intentions."
Dumbledore didn't look convinced as he rubbed a finger along the underside of his chin.
"She... has a point." Kingsley added, considering their status in this war.
"There's...more," Lily looked around anxiously, sucking on her lower lip. She should have told Sirius this before she announced it to the whole Order but... time was limited, and she was bad at this. "Regulus wants to help, too."
Sirius stilled at the words, his features freezing over in cold detachment as the air in the room thickened.
"Sirius, I- I spoke with him. He has already begun his own conquest and makes a valid point. We need inside intelligence."
Sirius scratched the back of his head, "I can put my feelings aside for the success of this mission, but if you're expecting a holiday homecoming with my brother… you'll be disappointed."
Lily's heart clenched at the words. "Fair enough."
Lily watched as the rest of the members began speaking of logistics, the fire illuminating the space in orange hues. Lily sat in silence, her thoughts ruminating. The knowledge that she'd be back in Severus' space tonight heating something within her. Her memory kept trying to pull her into the depths of his lake. To drag her, deep and low and ruthless. A primal attempt at mercy.
Severus, mysterious and shadowed.
Severus, her friend and confidant.
Severus, who had always seen her… who had always…
Lily shook her head, she had almost forgotten.
"There is talk of a prophecy the Dark Lord plans to intercept. One with knowledge of the war." Lily spoke clearly. "If its within the ministry its only a short time before Voldemort's forces act upon it."
Dumbledore's attention was piqued by that, "That prophecy is secured. The Dark Lord and his liege have no concern with it."
"How can we be sure of that?" Sirius asked, turning his attention the wizard.
Dumbledore dissuaded the question with a wave of his hand. "Let us not worry about the words of an old witch. Let us move forward with this plan… we will work to prepare our forces before the end of the week."
There was something disconcerting about Dumbledore's tone that made Lily felt uneasy. As if the prophecy was-
Peter Pettigrew apparted into the space, his breathing chaotic and frantic. "There's been..." he gasped, catching his breathe. "another attack. Death eaters have just destroyed the homes of five half-bloods in Godric's Hollow and plan to do more.
"They're taking everyone into custody within the ministry… for… questioning…" Peter fell into a chair, the space in the room taut with uncertainty.
The words shot through Lily's heart, breaking at a fundamental piece of her inner fortress. Her blood was boiling, she was going to suffocate in this room, she needed air, she needed...
Lily bolted from the space, out into the open clearing and ran.
An Ode to Vengeance
Lily kept running and running until she reached the edge of the Weasley's property. The lifeless water of a forgotten pond lay quiet and still before her. Walking over to the surface, Lily peered down at her reflection. Her thoughts were a raging tempest of rudimentary sorts. Unruly and ancient. Lily could almost see them portrayed on the smooth surface of the water, floating and rearranging themselves.
A scrying, she thought. A fate yet to come.
She wanted to jump in, to crash down, to splash and splash and splash.
Lily's pulse kept heightening, the pressure building in her wrists and neck. She wanted to rip her shirt off and scream to a god she didn't believe in.
She felt so… torn.
Lily clamped down on her bottom lip. The taste of rusty galleons filled her senses as she watched a crimson bead splash onto the abyss, awakening the water below.
A sacrifice, she thought. To a dormant beast. It would feed and sup off the injustice of it all.
Cracks had been forming inside her ever since she allowed Severus back into her life. Words she'd buried deep within began to seep out of those cracks, to chant.
Mudblood.
Mudblood.
Mudblood.
A decade of repressed fury rose to the surface, turning Lily's turmoil into blistering anger. The chanting grew louder and louder, pounding and ricocheting off the stoned fortress she'd built around them.
Freak.
Freak.
Freak.
The taste of salt and metal was heavy on her tongue. She'd been looking at this war wrong.
It wasn't about good versus evil.
It wasn't about what was righteous or pure.
It was about the gritty rebirth of redemption… of revenge.
It was about vengeance.
She would let those walls come crumbling down, she would relish every crack and hammer, until nothing but timeless ruin remained. And she would rise. Like every mudblood and muggle who had come before her. She would rise. For them, she would conquer. This was her promise, her vow.
Lily looked to the skies and released her fury. She was panting and panting, trying to catch her breathe. She couldn't control the waves erupting inside her.
"Lily," Sirius spoke behind her, firm and concerned.
Lily whipped towards him, her face drenched and salty. "Sirius," Lily fell to her knees, the earth digging in around them. "I don't know whats happening to me. I-I'm so… angry."
Sirius kneeled beside her, his hand pressed upon her shoulder, its weight steadfast and anchoring. "And rightfully so." His words were soft with understanding. "This war is barbaric. It's callused even the best of us. Your anger is a strength, Lily. It means you still feel something. There is more power in that than you know."
The waves flowing through her were starting to yield to Sirius' words as she continued to listen.
"We've all got light and dark inside us." Sirius tightened his grip around her shoulder, "what matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are."
"It's not that simple, Sirius! I don't… I don't know what it means to be in the light anymore. I can't help but feel like I'm being taken by the darkness."
"Well, in my experience, the dark can fight back, too."
Lily lifted her gaze to her friend, a beacon in the dark cacophony swirling around her. Throwing her arms around him, Lily let her face drench the front of his robes.
"Does this mean you're going to fill me in on what you've been up to?" Sirius prodded, lightening the mood.
Lily let out a small giggle, wiping her eyes as she pulled away from him, "Maybe."
"Come on, Lily. I want in. And no more half-truths. I'm not interested in that shit."
Sirius' words were a torch in the catacombs of her chest. Together, they would do this. The dark would fight back. A silent order of the in-between, serving no god but their own.
"Together. We do this, together." Lily smiled at him, pulling the silver chain from beneath her robes. Grabbing the silver doe pendant between her hands, Lily pressed her lips to its glowing surface and whispered, as if in prayer.
Severus, we're coming.