LIX
Vigilans Somniat
Kikyou sleeps, and dreams, and learns. Her own name, her own nature – what she had been and done in the time that had belonged to her. The time that had been meant to belong to her. As she learns who she is, who she was, she learns what she is now, and the knowledge is a burning weight that grows in her.
A girl who grew to be a miko, when all she wanted was a woman's life. A girl who grew into a great and deadly power; a miko who was given the duty to protect a more terrible power still. A miko who lost herself and her duty because of love – soft feelings – promises.
I was willing to give it all up for you, Inuyasha.
She remembers his betrayal, but she knows now that it wasn't him. She remembers his passionate defense of himself before her sister, words she understands now even if she didn't then.
And I hurt him, thinking...
Even in the dream she feels pain. Tears leak out of her eyes and for the second time startle a watching Inuyasha – why does she cry if she is not human?
Kikyou shares that question.
What am I, really?
She died, and what she has now is neither life nor death. She died, but the price she paid was not enough. The proof of that is in Kagome's presence, in the fact that she is here, now – her own future standing before her, fingers outstretched. She can feel the gleaming presence of the shikon no tama in Kagome's body, Kagome's presence, Kagome's power.
As she knows herself she knows Kagome, the life of the girl who has come to her from an impossible future, a distance greater than she can comprehend. Five hundred years. What will be changed by the presence of this girl in the past, only the kami know. Kikyou has only suspicions, tangled thoughts, and a single comfort.
The girl is wholly devoted to her Kouga. She loves him undivided, a singleness of purpose that Kikyou can only wonder at and admire. Has she ever been so intent, so willful, about anything? What is it that has happened in five hundred years to so change her soul?
What are the lessons of my life?
She descends through memory as through mist.
Kagome, too, is sleeping. Her dreams begin awash with panic and terror, but it ebbs a little at a time until she is empty, becoming used to the strangeness of what is happening around her. She questions, though she dreams – questions the reality of what she is seeing, the who and the what and the why. She sees the life of the woman who stood before her, her doppelganger -
Kikyou, the miko of Edo, guardian of the shikon no tama.
She comes to know the woman Kaede as the child she had been, comes to know the red robed stranger as Inuyasha. He is familiar to her, and she learns, a little at a time, why – because Kikyou had loved him, had lost him. Because Kikyou was her in another life. Within her awareness the fact awakens on its own, unsought, unasked for – truth, all the same. A bright line of connection is tied between them, Kagome and the woman she had once been.
She sees the last moments of that other being, something akin to memory but not her own. She sees the flames gather about Kikyou's flesh, and the gleaming of the jewel clasped between her still, pale fingers. She knows it for what it is, though she has never seen it whole and perfect before now.
Shikon no tama. Burned with her, and born in me.
The knowledge is strong in her, and against it Kagome clings to her own memories, her own truths – what is the past is the past, and now is hers, only hers. She will not share her being, her identity. She makes a decision even dreaming that will come to affect her in the days to come.
Kikyou is Kikyou, and Kagome is Kagome, and I am Kagome – and no one else.
The words resonate, truth deeper than truth, a whole being in and of itself. As the images fade to darkness, memories and dreams both receding into dark, there is only a single thing that she does not understand. Within Kikyou there is a point of light that calls to her – and within herself, and Kouga, and somewhere near the hanyou Inuyasha.
She knows they are shards of the shikon no tama; she can feel them, the bright pulse that she has grown accustomed to sensing from Kouga and from within herself.
Why does the hanyou have them? For strength, like Kouga?
But if that's so...then why is there one in Kikyou? She is not youkai...
To Kouga, there are few things more unacceptable than the smell and presence of an Inu. That the one he has encountered is only hanyou, half Inu and half human, all things diluted...
It makes no difference at all.
When Kagome falls, he cries out her name and is beside her in an instant, hands under her shoulders, sweeping her up against his chest. The scent of her is clean confusion, priceless power subdued into a low, wavering ebb. His eyes fall dark on the hanyou and his creature, shape of woman, scent of death -
If Kouga could prove that they are responsible for the danger he senses he would slay them, here and now, no questions, no guilt...
But there is Kagome to consider, her feelings and her health before all other things.
He stares down at her, smiling as if asleep, her brow wrinkled, her eyes roving beneath their lids. He looks up at the hanyou and sees the confusion and panic on his face, scents terror beneath the rough musk of Inu.
"Kikyou? Kikyou, what's wrong with you? Kikyou? Kikyou!"
There is no answer forthcoming, and Kouga finally growls an order when he can't take those cries any more.
"Enough! Shut up, stupid mutt – can't you see that's not helping?"
The hanyou scowls, ears drooping, eyes narrowing, fangs bared.
"And what d'ya think I should do, huh?"
"I don't know."
It pains Kouga to admit it.
"But shouting at her isn't going to do anything, that much should be obvious by now."
Undecided, vacillating from one possibility to the next, Kouga finally stands with Kagome in his arms and gestures curtly with a jerk of his head.
"This way, come on. There's something – something's off about this. They were fine until they touched, my woman and yours. I don't like it, but we better keep them together."
Kouga turns and makes his way back down the hall the way he has come. He doesn't look to see if the hanyou is following him.
After a moment he hears the footsteps he was waiting for.
A/N: Eep! Sorry dear readers, I mean to finish this the other night and instead got distracted working on book again. I am a bad, bad fwoom. BUT! Here is another chapter for you, and there should be another one by the end of the week, so keep an eye out for that! Today's chapter title, "vigilens somniat", translates to "she dreams awake".
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