A Bitter Pill to Swallow- chapter 9
Angela was finally able to control her crying enough to take some deep breaths. Tony wiped away his own tears as they slowly pulled away from one another.
"Oh Tony… my baby! We could have lost him!" she said as a new round of tears started to fall.
"I know Angela but we didn't. He's still here with us. Let me call Mona so she can come with us and call Sam. Do you think you can pack us a bag?" he asked.
"Yes… I will do that now while you call Mother…" she said as she managed to control herself. She got off the bed and grabbed their suitcase, dumping it's contents on the bed. She quickly packed them four or five days worth of clothes and toiletries as Tony called Mona. Once she was done, she grabbed the suitcase and headed downstairs. Mona was walking in with her suitcase as they met in the living room.
"Did they give any other updates on what happened or if he needs surgery?" asked Mona.
"No they didn't say. He's in the emergency room but nothing else was said. Angela, are you awake enough to drive?" asked Tony.
"Yes Tony… I don't know if I will ever sleep again…" she said as she grabbed the suitcase and her belongings and headed out the door, Tony and Mona giving each other a worried look as they headed behind her to the car.
They arrived at the hospital in under two hours, Angela trying her best to stay within the speed limits. They practically ran to the all too familiar ER lobby where they found the nursing station.
"Jonathan Bower please! He's our son and he was transferred from the inpatient psychiatric unit about three hours ago. He… he tried to hurt himself. Can we see him?" pleaded Angela.
"Please take a seat and I will see about an update" said the triage nurse. What felt like forever, but was in reality only fifteen minutes passed before a doctor and a nurse came out to talk to the family.
"Thank you for coming back up here. Jonathan is in surgery. The cut in his forearm was very deep but we were able to stabilize the bleeding. The orthopedic surgeon feels he can repair the damage and he should have full use of his arm. He should be out of surgery within the next few hours. I can bring you up to the recovery waiting area. Once he is stable, he will be transferred back up to the psychiatric unit but that will be tomorrow or the following day the earliest" said the doctor.
"How… how did this happen? He supposedly had an aide with him. I don't understand how he could have hurt himself if he was being supervised!" said Tony with worry and frustration in his voice.
"I wish I knew the exact answer. He most likely got a hold of some contraband on the unit or took apart something in the bathroom. It's unfortunately more common than you'd think it would be. However, he will now have two sides assigned to him at all times until we feel he is no longer a risk to himself or others" said the nurse.
"The surgeon will come find you for an update once he is available. The nurse will take you to the waiting area" said the doctor as he left and the nurse brought them up to the new waiting area. It took both two more hours of waiting for the surgeon to come and update them on his condition.
"Hi yes are you Jonathan's parents?" he asked.
"Yes we are. How is our son?" asked Angela.
"He's doing well. I was able to repair the damage he inflicted on himself and I don't anticipate any long term damage, although it is still too soon to tell for sure. He's in recovery now but I can take you up to see him for a few minutes" he said.
"Thank you doctor" said Tony as they were escorted to the recovery room. They were shocked to see Jonathan laying on the gurney, his face pale. His legs and his other arm were restrained to the bed. Two aides were positioned on either side of the bed.
"Oh Tony… my baby. He looks so vulnerable, so weak, so helpless. What are we going to do?" she whispered to Tony.
"I…I don't know Angela…" he said as tears formed in his eyes.
"What we are going to do is continue to be here for him. One of us needs to be here at all times. We can rotate who goes home but one of us stays up here until he's hopefully past this… this part. We are going to remind him as often as he needs us to just how much we love him, how important and special he is to us until he remembers it himself" said Mona.
"You're right Mother…" she said as she sat down next to his bed. She grabbed his hand and held on to it.
"Mom?" said Jonathan weakly as he began to come around.
"Yes sweetheart it's me. Tony and Grandma are here too…" she said.
"Yeah buddy we are right here. We aren't going anywhere…" said Tony as he came to stand behind Angela.
"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…" he said as he started to cry.
"It's okay sweetheart! You're okay and we are here… that's all that matters. We all love you so much!" she said as she started to cry as well.
"I don't deserve you… you deserve a better son…" he said through tears.
"Jonathan… I need you to listen to me and listen to me well… you are the best son either of us could have ever asked for… if I was given every kid in the whole world and asked to pick out my son, it would be the easiest choice in the world. I'd choose you each and every time. I love you more than you can ever imagine, just like I love Samantha. I promise you I will do everything in my power to remind you of that every day for the rest of my life…" said Tony as his own tears started to fall.
"You are the best thing to ever happen to me Jonathan. I love you more than anything in this world…" said Angela through her own tears.
"I… I think I need to rest now…" he said as he closed his eyes. The tears were still falling down his face for a few minutes until he was back asleep. The doctors came in and brought them to the waiting room. Angela held it together until they were alone in the room; as soon as the doctor left, she fell apart again. Tony just held onto her until her sobs started to slow.
"Tony… I… I don't know if I can do this…" she said in between sobs.
"I know Angela but we don't have a choice. We just have to try and take this one step at a time and make sure we are taking care of each other. Lean on one another and when it gets too much, we take turns being there for him. You aren't alone in this and neither is he…" said Tony.
"Tony is right. We are all in this together. I think… I think we should see about family counseling. This is impacting all of us…" said Mona as she wiped away her own tears.
"I think that's a really good idea. Maybe if we start going, it will let Jonathan know it's okay to seek out help and he will be more likely to engage in his own treatment" said Tony.
"Okay… I'll start looking for places for us this week" said Angela.
"How about we ask the social worker for places? You don't need one more thing on your plate Angela" said Mona as Angela nodded in agreement.
The three of them spent the next few hours getting broken sleep, alternating leaning on one another as much as Tony's shoulder would allow. By six in the morning, Jonathan was transported to a room. They headed to his room and sat down beside his bed. Angela convinced Tony and Mona to go and check into the hotel and rest for a few hours. They reluctantly agreed, only under the condition that once they returned, Angela would go and rest. Angela agreed and stayed by Jonathan's side once they left.
"Mom? What are you doing here? You should be at the hotel sleeping. You couldn't have gotten more than an hour or two of sleep" he said.
"I'm fine Jonathan and I'm where I'm supposed to be. Grandma and Tony just left to go check into the hotel and get some rest. They will come back later on and then I'll head to the hotel to rest if things are going okay…" she said.
"I'm fine Mom… and besides it's not like I can do anything right now…"'he said as he lifted his legs and arm, making the restraints make noise against the bed railings.
"Maybe once the doctors come and see you, those can be removed…" she said.
"Whatever…" he said. One of the psychiatric doctors and the orthopedic surgeon came in to see Jonathan a few minutes later.
"Hi Jonathan. How are you doing?" asked the surgeon.
"My arm is sore but otherwise I'm fine" he said.
"Good. The arm looks to be healing nicely. I don't think you will have any long term damage but we will have to keep an eye on it and get you some physical therapy once it's healed. You should be well enough to be transferred back to the unit by tomorrow afternoon" he said.
"Great…" said Jonathan.
"How long will the… the restraints need to be on?" asked Angela.
"That's up to Jonathan. We can start to remove them if you can make a plan to keep yourself safe" said the psychiatrist.
"I'm not going to hurt myself okay? Besides… I couldn't do anything even if I really wanted to… I failed at it the first time so there's reason to believe I'd fail at it again. So why even bother…" he said.
"Jonathan, I think we need look at adjusting your medications. We can remove the restraints since the aides are here but they will go back on if we feel like you are a danger to yourself" said the psychiatrist.
"Fine, whatever…" said Jonathan as they removed the restraints.
"Mrs. Micelli? Can we speak to you for a moment?" asked the doctors. Angela headed outside the room with the doctors.
"We'd like to start the medication adjustment as soon as possible. We are hoping now that you are here that he would be more receptive to the change because as of early this morning, he refused. We are also hoping he starts therapy. He has a lot of self-hatred and the sooner he addresses that, the sooner he'll get on his path to recovery" he said.
"How… how can I help him? I can't force him to talk to someone…" she said.
"You're right. He's the only one that can make change for himself. Just keep supporting him, showing him you love him unconditionally" he said.
"We were talking earlier about seeing about family therapy. This… this has been very challenging for all of us and I think we could all use the support. Is it possible to get a referral and maybe start some sessions in the hospital?" asked Angela.
"We could arrange a few sessions with the social worker and give you a referral. I think that would help" said the psychiatrist.
"Thank you" she said as she headed back into his room.
"The doctor talk enough about me?" asked Jonathan sarcastically.
"Jonathan… we are just all very worried about you. They want to adjust your medication and I am glad you are on board with it. I asked the doctor about doing some family sessions in the hospital and he said the social worker can arrange a few before you're discharged. They will provide us with referrals so we can attend back home" she said.
"What's that going to do Mom? This doesn't impact you… why should you and everyone else be subjected to therapy when you there's nothing wrong with any of you…" he said.
"First of all, there's nothing wrong with you! The chemicals in your brain are off, that's all! And secondly, this impacts us all. We are your family and if we can help you in any way, we will. And thirdly… yes this very much impacts me! You tried to hurt yourself today… you… you could have died Jonathan! Your brain maybe telling you that wouldn't mean much to you, but to me… I can't even begin to think of what that would do to me Jonathan! You are my son and I can't even fathom living in a world where you aren't here…" she said as she began to cry.
"I'm sorry Mom… it's just the thoughts in my head are all jumbled. I don't know what to think anymore other than this is just not the life I want to be living right now. What did I do to deserve this?" he pleaded as his own tears started to fall again.
"Oh sweetheart you didn't do anything wrong! I don't know why this is happening now. All I know is maybe we need to stop focusing on the why and focus on the how- how to help you start feeling better" she said as she came and sat down next to him on the bed.
"I'm scared Mom…" he said as he fell into her arms. They both stayed that way for a long while, both crying tears of sadness, fear and grief, for they both felt like they lost something that neither of them wanted to lose.