A Bitter Pill to Swallow- chapter 13
Jonathan slept in the next morning, having to be woken up for breakfast. Something in him shifted the day before and he couldn't quite pinpoint it. He left lighter, maybe even hopeful of his future. He bared his heart and soul to his parents and they didn't go running for the hills. They stayed and didn't judge him. Maybe, just maybe this could have a happy ending.
By lunch, he had attended another group and hung out with Harold. It turns out Harold also attended Harvard. They spent the time leading up until visiting talking about the college life and how different things were, while a lot remained the same. Harold's wife came to visit him; introductions were made when Tony, Angela and Mona came on the unit.
"How are you doing sweetheart? Harold seems like a really nice man" said Angela.
"Yeah he is… he's about the only friend I've got around here. It's nice having an older guy to talk to, kinda like a grandfather. He's really smart and wise! He graduated from Harvard too" said Jonathan as he started devouring the burger and fries they brought for him.
"That's good! Maybe there's some other people on the unit you can become friendly with…" said Tony.
"Maybe… we shall see. You guys still heading back home tonight?" asked Jonathan.
"If that's still alright with you sweetheart. We will look to come back up towards the end of the week. We can get caught up with work and appointments so we can have the long weekend free. If you need us though, we will be here as soon as possible…" said Angela.
"I'll be fine Mom I promise. You all need to head home and get back to everything Fairfield" he chuckled.
"What have the WASPs done without us?" laughed Tony.
"Found some other gossip I'm sure… maybe Joanne Parker's 'pool' needs to be serviced again…" said Mona with a smirk.
"Gosh those rumors when Tony ran for the parent's association were terrible… that seems like a lifetime ago…" said Jonathan.
"At least Samantha was able to give him a good left cross! Sent that kid flying!" laughed Mona.
"Think she'll be willing to do that again to all of Fairfield once they start the rumors about me? Crazy Bower…" said Jonathan.
"No one is going to talk! It's none of their business anyway and if they do I'm sure Sam, Hank, Mona, me and your Mom will take care of it…" said Tony.
"I know… I just wish you didn't have to… I've been thinking. I… I think I'm going to look to transfer to Ridgemont next semester, assuming this whole medication and therapy thing works…" he said.
"Nothing needs to be decided now. Harvard is being very understanding so once you are ready to go back to school, we can talk about all the options" said Angela.
"Okay… we can figure it out then…" he said. They finished their visit and gave Jonathan a long embrace. He walked them to the locked doors, tears in their eyes.
"I love you Jonathan. Call us anytime if you need anything. We can get back here as soon as possible" said Angela.
"Yes we will be here no matter what! We will come back up on Friday and stay the weekend. Think about some food I can bring you- anything you want that I can transport back up here!" said Tony.
"I will… I love you guys…" he said as he gave them each one more hug before they were buzzed out the door. He watched them walk out and around the corner. His heart sank at the thought of not seeing them for a few days. The abandonment feelings were starting to kick up again but he was able to keep them from overwhelming him. Still, he had to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.
He decided to head back to the main room and watch a movie until dinner. He caught up with Harold and ended up sitting with him and some other patients at dinner. In a weird way, it reminded him of eating at the lunch room in high school; this time however, he actually felt like he fit in.
Two weeks later…
"Alright Jonathan! Discharge is tomorrow! How are you feeling about it?" asked his social worker Samantha.
"Excited, nervous, scared out of my mind! Mostly excited though! To sleep in my own bed and have a home cooked meal! Tony's cooking is out of this world!" laughed Jonathan.
"It's completely normal to feel all those emotions and more. Just like this was your first admission, this is your first discharge. You've made such tremendous progress in the month or so you've been here. You keep taking one day at a time and you'll keep seeing progress" she said.
" I hope so… I didn't say anything before because she swore me to secrecy but my sister Samantha is pregnant. She called me last night to tell me that she and Hank are going to announce it tonight. She asked me if it would I be alright… aside from being over the moon for my new niece or nephew, to have them be able to focus on someone else is going to be nice. I know everyone will still be watching me like a hawk but maybe it will be 23/7 instead of 24/7…" he said with a chuckle.
"Who is coming to take you home?" she asked.
"Just Mom. Tony has appointments for his surgery next week so he can't come. I still feel awful about hurting him, even though I really don't remember much of it" he said sadly.
"That's definitely something to keep working on with your new therapist. Feelings of guilt and shame left unaddressed can fester so make sure you address it. You have intake appointments with the therapist and psychiatrist this week. Give the process time… it will take some time to build up a rapport" she said.
"You don't do outpatient therapy right?" he chuckled. He found while initially he dreaded his individual sessions, he grew to like and even enjoy the one on one time. If nothing else, it was nice to have someone that listened to him.
"Unfortunately no! You're going to make a good connection with the next therapist and really work on managing your condition. Remember… you are in the driver's seat" she said. He nodded as he shook her hand and headed back onto the unit. His mom was scheduled to come first thing tomorrow morning to get him. They would stop back at his dorm to get the last few things. The family had packed up most of his belongings the week before but some stuff still remained.
Harold had been discharged the week before, leaving him alone. He was able to still talk to some other patients but none that really formed a connection. After dinner, he decided to head into the main room for bingo.
"B four!" the aide called as the group scoured their cards. He had won a game already tonight, when a familiar face sat down next to him.
"Hi… my name is Andrea" she said as she took a bingo card.
"I know… we actually met a few weeks ago when we both got here. My name is Jonathan" he said as he shook her hand.
"Really? Oh man… this always happens after a manic episode. If… if I said anything stupid I'm really sorry. I don't even remember much since about a few days ago. First the mania then the dopey meds. You must be ready to head out of here soon if you've been here that long…" she said as she picked up some bingo chips.
"Tomorrow actually… if you don't mind me asking, is it true this is your fifth time being admitted? That's what you told me the last time we spoke…" he said, marking the newest called number on his card.
"Oh man… sorry for over sharing. Yes this is my fifth admission. Sometimes it feels like I'm on a rollercoaster and the only time it stops is through those doors" she said sadly.
"Again if you don't mind me asking, what happens that you get admitted again? Do the meds not work?" he asked as delicately as he could muster.
"Nothing works if you stop taking it… I get stable but then it just feels like the spark in me is gone. The creative muse is locked away and this dull, hallow shell is left. I can't help it that I just want to feel something so I convince myself I can do it this time. I don't need medications or therapy or family or anyone… except I do and then of course it's too late…" she said.
"Well… maybe it's not the right medication! There's plenty of different kinds out there right? Maybe not the right support system either! You've just gotta have hope it's out there!" he said, hoping to convince her but more importantly convince himself.
"Yes I guess… so you must be excited to go home! Big plans?" she asked, eager to change the subject.
"Just a family dinner. My dad is a really good cook so having a home cooked meal and sleeping in my own bed are my top two requests! I'm taking the rest of the semester off so I can try and focus on my recovery. Not sure my plans after that though…" he said.
"I tried college once… it didn't take. I loved it though… I was a dance major with a minor in calculus if you can believe it… I think about going back one day…" she said wistfully.
"You should go back! You can't be more than a couple of years out of high school! Go for it!" he said enthusiastically. Someone on the other side called bingo.
"Spoken like someone with only one psych admission under his belt… we shall see rookie… so where are you from?" she asked as she cleared her card.
"Fairfield Connecticut… born and raised…" he said as he too cleared his card.
"Small world! I'm from Bridgeport! My parents still live in the house I grew up in. Maybe we can meet up when I'm back in the area…" she said.
"I'd like that a lot…" he said as he pulled out a piece of paper.
"Here's my phone number. I'll be home tomorrow but feel free to call if you'd like…" he said. She took the number as they continued talking until it was time for nightly medications. They waited on line together and then wished each other a good night before heading to their rooms.
He was shocked that he slept that night, considering how excited he was to finally be going home. The morning nurse reviewed his medication regimen and his discharge paperwork. He was give brown paper bags to put all his belongings into; most of his stuff was his personal artwork and journals plus some clothes and magazines. He gave Angela a lot of his stuff last week to take home.
Right at eleven, Jonathan was called up to the main area and buzzed through the main doors. He took another look around and made a solemn promise never to return here again. He pushed the heavy doors and was greeted by a very happy Angela. She practically ran up to him and gave him the biggest hug she had ever given him, practically knocking him over in the process.
"Easy Mom! Try not to bowl me over!" he laughed as he hugged her back.
"I'm just so happy you're coming home! I'm so proud of you!" she said as she hugged him again.
"C'mon Mom… let's go home…" he said as he linked her arm with his own as they walked out of the hospital.
They made it to the dorms and were met by the dorm room director who let them into his old room. He was shocked to see it basically empty, with two or three boxes in the center of the room. Angela grabbed one of the boxes and finished packing some final things. She closed the box and headed out to the car. Jonathan was able to finish the rest of the packing and grabbed the last two boxes. He stood in the doorway and took one final look at the old room. He hoped the cliche when one door closes, another one opens held true as he closed the door and headed back to the car.
When they pulled into the driveway, it felt like he hadn't been home in years, not just a few months. He took in the sight of 3344 Oak Hills Drive- the white picket fence Tony conned him into painting, the basketball hoop that he spent countless hours practicing on with Sam and Tony, the picnic table they had each family barbecue at all throughout the warmer summer months.
"Welcome home sweetheart!" she gushed as she got out of the car and started to unpack his boxes and belongings. Tony and Mona came out of the house and came over to welcome him home.
"Welcome home Jonathan! I'm so glad you're back! I've made a bunch of your favorites! Here let me help you…" said Tony.
"Hey Tony! It's good to be home! Don't even think about lifting anything! Your surgery is next week and you don't need it any worse than it already is!" said Jonathan as he lifted up two boxes.
"You tell him kid! Maybe he will listen to you!" laughed Mona as Tony just rolled his eyes. They all headed into the house. Jonathan grabbed as much of his belongings as possible and headed up to this room. He wanted to unpack and take a shower before Sam and Hank came over for dinner.
About an hour later, he came downstairs and sat on the sofa. Tony and Angela were putting the final touches on dinner and came to join him in the living room. Sam, Hank and Mona arrived a short while later. After catching up for a little while, dinner was ready. Jonathan helped Tony bring all the food into the dining room. He was never so happy to have a home cooked meal in his entire life.
"Okay everyone! Dig in!" said Tony as they passed around all the dishes. Everyone was happy to see Jonathan taking seconds, sometimes even thirds of the dishes. By the time dinner was over, most of the food was consumed.
"I'm officially stuffed! That was delicious Tony!" said Jonathan as he leaned back in his chair and rubbed his stomach.
"I hope you made room for dessert! I made fresh chocolate chip cookies, brownies, cannolis and a cake! I couldn't choose which one to make so I made them all!" chuckled Tony.
"Are you expecting us to fit through the door after tonight?" asked Mona as she rolled her eyes.
"With the way dinner went tonight, I may not have made enough! I'll have to take the door off the hinge!" he laughed.
"Well Dad may have made this wonderful dinner and apparently dessert for you dweeb but Hank and I got you a little something too… I think you'll like it…" she said with a wink. She handed him a small box wrapped in light green paper. He looked down at the box and smiled.
"Go ahead and open it! Inquiring minds want to know!" said Mona impatiently.
"Alright, alright! I'm opening it!" he shouted as he tore open the paper and opened up the box. Inside was a small onesie with the words 'I love my uncle!' written on it. Tears formed in his eyes as he took a few moments to compose himself.
"Well I guess we have more to be thankful for besides my homecoming…" he said as he held up the onesie for the family to see.
"Oh my gosh! You're pregnant?" shouted Angela as she jumped out of her seat and ran over to hug Samantha, tears coming down both their faces.
"Yes! Eight weeks today actually! We had our first sonogram today too! Looks just like a little gummy bear!" said Samantha.
"Congratulations kid! Just make sure he or she doesn't call me great grandma…" said Mona. Samantha and Jonathan looked at each other and burst out laughing.
"What?" asked Mona.
"You're just predictable Grandma! I called that right Sam?" laughed Jonathan.
"Yes you did! So Dad… are you okay? You're really quiet which is kinda freaking me out…" said Samantha.
"My baby is having a baby…" he said as tears came back to his eyes. "Of course I'm thrilled! Grandpa Tony! That has a nice ring to it!" said Tony as he got up and went to give her a hug. He even managed to give a slightly scared Hank a hug too.
"Oh we have so much planning and shopping to do! We will need at least three or four shopping days for everything you're going to need plus stuff for us when we babysit!" gushed Angela.
"And so it begins! That baby is going to be spoiled before it's even here!" laughed Tony.
"C'mon Dad! You're going to be even worse! The baby won't even be here yet and I'm sure you will have it's first baby baseball mitt and ball!" laughed Samantha.
The family spent the rest of the night talking and planning for the new baby. They discussed possible names, nursery themes and how nice it will be to have a baby right before the summertime. Jonathan sat back and looked around at his family; his abandonment fears were still present, but for the first time in what he realized was a longer time than he had let himself to believe, he felt like a connected part of the family. He felt loved.
September 2024
Tony and Angela boarded the train to Washington DC. They had taken a cab to Penn Station and gotten the midday train to try and avoid a large rush hour crowd. They both had thoughts of their first train ride so many years ago. Advocating had been a big part of their lives even back then. Once they were settled on the train, they cuddled into one another.
"Sam and Hank should be meeting us at the hotel early tomorrow morning. The kids should be joining them since JJ has a break from teaching his college classes and Marie is using some of her time off to do some sightseeing. I can't believe JJ is almost thirty! Where did those years go?" asked Tony wistfully.
"I know what you mean… it seems like only yesterday we were all at the hospital on that early June morning passing JJ all around, those big brown eyes and that mop of dark hair! Heck… it feels like only yesterday I was taking Jonathan home from the hospital…" she said as she wiped some tears from her eyes.
"I know… time sure has flown by…" he said as he pulled her closer to him and kissed her forehead. She cuddled into him even further and decided to close her eyes, hoping to clear her mind for the following day.
Once the train pulled into the station for it's final stop, they grabbed their bags and suitcase and headed to the taxi line. They were able to get to their hotel and drop their bags off to head to dinner. They found a restaurant that overlooked the Capital.
"I can't believe we will be there tomorrow morning… it all seems so surreal" she said as she took a sip of her martini, looking out at the Capital.
"I know what you mean… it's like deja vu… but this time a different cause to fight for…" he said as tears came to his eyes.
"I know…" she said as she placed her hand over Tony's. They enjoyed the rest of their meal and walked back to their hotel.
The next morning, they awoke early and had a quick breakfast in the hotel restaurant, neither one of them overly hungry. They were both too nervous. Samantha, Hank and their adult children joined them outside the Capital. They were cleared by security and were escorted to a private room to wait until it was their turn. Finally, they were all called into the main room; senators, congressmen and congresswomen as well as other families and professionals lined the room.
"Good morning everyone. This is the first day of the congressional hearing on the proposed mental health bill and funding. Each speaker will get a chance to talk within the designated time allotments" said the presiding congresswoman.
Mental health professionals, from psychiatrists to psychologists to social workers and more came up to share the importance of federal and state funding for mental health services and the effects the lack of funding has already done to hundreds of thousands of patients. Tony, Angela and the family all listened to the speakers until it was time for the families to take the podium.
"The floor will now hear Mrs. Angela Micelli, from Fairfield, Connecticut" the congresswoman stated. Angela grabbed some of her notes and index cards she had written out the past few weeks, as well as an 8x10 framed photo. She heading towards the podium, stopping only to give Tony a quick hug.
"Good morning everyone. My name is Angela Micelli and I am here today to talk about the most important person in my life, my son Jonathan. This is a photo of him taken the day his nephew, Joseph Jonathan or JJ, was born. Jonathan was the best thing to ever happen to me from the moment he came into my life. I strived to give him everything I could- a stable home life, a good school to attend, a family who always loved him unconditionally…" she said as she looked back over at her family.
"That's why it hurt me to the core when I couldn't give him the one thing he needed. Jonathan was only a sophomore in college when he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and had his first psychiatric admission. He was discharged with an aftercare plan that, at face value, we thought would be enough. Attend therapy, keep on his medications… all would be good, but it wasn't that simple" she said.
"The turnover rate was astounding. In the first year of outpatient therapy, Jonathan was assigned to six different therapists, all of which lasted no more than two months before moving on to higher, better paying jobs. I watched hopelessly as each change of therapist brought him further from his recovery path and closer to another hospitalization. By the time he was finally hospitalized again almost two years after his first one, he had gone through eight different therapists and three psychiatrists…" she said as she glanced over at Tony, both knowing how the rest of the story played out.
"By the time he was twenty-five, our insurance no longer allowed us to cover him. We caught for months to get him proper insurance that would cover the astronomical costs of his medications and therapy sessions, the only things keeping him stabilized. He was denied multiple times before we successfully got him enrolled in a plan, but by that time he had been off his medication and out of treatment for three months, enough time for his brain to convince him he was more of a burden to the world, to his family and would be better off without him. I lost my son three weeks shy of his twenty-six birthday. That is a pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, something that I live with, that my family lives with each and every day of our lives…" she said as she had to pause to hold back her tears.
"I can't bring my son back, but I made a promise to him. When he was first hospitalized, he left a voicemail on our machine. It told my husband Tony and I that we were the most supportive people in his life, that we supported him through this journey and… and that he loved us. I made a promise to him then that I would do whatever it took to always make sure he felt that way. He's gone now but that promise remains. His death will not be in vain…" she said with a renewed force in her voice.
"We advocated for change in Connecticut and after years of fighting, we finally passed the Jonathan Act, a mental health reform bill that guarantees continued insurance for dependents with both medical and mental health diagnoses up until age thirty-five. It also provided the much needed financial support to nonprofit organizations that provide outpatient care that so desperately need it" she said as she looked each congressman and congresswoman in the eye.
"Losing your child is something you never, ever get over. There's not a day, an hour that goes by that Jonathan isn't on my mind. To know that his path could have been altered with some if not all of these policies is a bitter pill to swallow, but I will not rest until real changes start to happen in the mental health field. Don't let another family mourn their child when you have the power to make a real positive change. Thank you" she concluded as she took her seat next to Tony.
"That was wonderful sweetheart. I think you really got through to them" said Tony as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.
"Yes Angela… Jonathan would be proud…" said Samantha as she reached over and took hold of Angela's hand, giving it a little squeeze.
"I hope so… I just need to know something good will come out of all of this… people need to hear his story, hear his name. No matter what happens today, I won't stop until real change takes place" said Angela.
"And we will be right there with you, now and forever…" said Tony.
The end