It was a typical day or night in the House of Hades, and Zagreus, Prince of the Underworld and newly crowned warden, readied himself for another run to the surface. By this point he had well gotten used to the tricks and traps of the realm; he easily got past the gloomy halls of Tartarus even when all three of the Furies worked to bar his way, the fires of the Phlegethon posed little threat and Lernie the Bone Hydra had gone from an acquaintance to a friend, and the warriors of Elysium and its champions, Theseus and Asterius, could now predict his arrivals and growing victories like clockwork. Even sparring with his father had become routine at this point, and dying at all had become a rare occurrence. It was almost, but not quite, like work.
It was no surprise, then, that on this particular day or night the Fates decided to throw him a curveball.
"Blood and darkness," Zagreus cursed as he inspected his reflection in the Mirror of Night. He tried and failed to quell his rising irritation to little avail, and eventually resorted to just staring with his arms crossed. For there, on his chin, rested a thick black hair, stubborn in countenance, irritating to both touch and sense, and impervious to any attempt to pluck it out or otherwise remove it.
"Should've known I'd had too easy a time of it lately," he muttered as he dashed to the weapons vault. Skelly raised a bony arm in greeting and stopped short when he saw the prince, his eye sockets widening in surprise, before giving Zagreus a cheerful thumbs-up.
"Looking good, boyo; now you just need about a hundred more to balance it out! Makes me wanna try growing a beard of my own."
Zagreus didn't respond, but instead turned the Adamant Rail's Aspect of Eris on Skelly and himself, coating them both in a sheet of magical flame. Repeated barrages continued until Skelly, unable to take anymore, dissolved and reassembled himself. He was no worse for wear, but was concerned about the prince as Zagreus immediately dashed to his room, then came right back out and unloaded the gun on both of them again in frustration.
Skelly yelped. "W-what'd I say?!"
Seeming to give up for now, Zagreus holstered the Adamant Rail and let out a long sigh. "You may like the thought of a beard, but let's just say it's not for me."
"Aww, not even a little bit?"
"Not a bit," Zagreus returned. "And what's worse, this hair is unusually stubborn."
Skelly thought about the problem and scratched his skull with a bony hand before shaking his head. "Can't help ya there, pal, but if you need to unload a bit I'm always here!"
"Much appreciated," Zagreus said before finally dashing out of the room and into Tartarus.
The first Olympian he ran into was Aphrodite, who assured him that beards were quite lovely should he attempt to grow one, and should he not feel like growing a full beard, stubble was also quite attractive. Zagreus took her advice in stride as he chose his Boon for the run, knowing the goddess of love and beauty was just trying to help. He was cheered, if only somewhat, when Dionysus suggested that if he couldn't get rid of it he should get drunk enough to not care, and Zagreus took in his Boon with vigor.
When Zeus gave him extensive praise on finally becoming a man and cheerfully dismissed his protests as nonsense, however, Zagreus's mood soured even with the powerful Boon granted. He finally stumbled into the Furies' chamber in a dispirited haze, but if they noticed his dour frown, there was something else they noticed first.
"Awww, look at the little redblood," Alecto mockingly cooed. "Looking all grown-up with his first facial hair—just wait til Meg and I shear it off your face!"
"No arguments from me," Zagreus said in return, and if his movements were deliberately sloppy as Meg's whip tore into him and Alecto shrieked insults into his ear, he didn't let on. At one point he even dashed straight into one of Alecto's whirling blades in hopes it would do the trick. When his Death Defiances ran out and he emerged from the Styx, sopping wet with blood but feeling oddly refreshed from the fight, Zagreus dashed straight for his room and was met with crushing disappointment.
The hair wasn't only still there, it had somehow gotten thicker and more irritating, but not a centimeter longer, and deftly avoided any attempts to pluck it out.
It was then Zagreus noted the Fates' Minor List of Prophecies glowing. Heart sinking into his stomach, he walked to the scroll and read aloud, growing more concerned with every word.
"The son of the god of the dead shall someday battle a hair as stubborn as he is, and, after much strife and gnashing of teeth, emerge victorious. Blood and darkness," Zagreus cursed in bewilderment. "Is this how Father feels about me?"
He briefly considered hiding in his room until he found a solution, but the Fates' prophecy said he'd do battle with it—and that meant, like it or not, going out into the world and doing what he could to conquer the stubborn distraction. After picking Stygius, Zagreus cautiously ventured out again—and his first boon, from the war god Ares, was at the very least encouraging. Ares praised him going all-out in battle against such a determined foe, and when Zagreus added his whirling blades to his cast, he was only momentarily disappointed when it did nothing to the hair on his chin. He knew the Fates wouldn't have made it that easy.
Soon Zagreus ran into Sisyphus, the condemned man greeting him with a cheerful smile and pointedly not mentioning his facial hair—though he was somewhat concerned when Zagreus scraped his chin against Bouldy in a vain attempt to remove it. After accepting a gift of restored health, mainly to alleviate the embarrassment, Zagreus pressed onward. After some time, Athena and Artemis met him and offered both Boons and sound advice on his problem—Artemis suggested the prince hunt for ways to destroy the offending hair, and Athena offered a possible solution to the problem when she reminded him of the fiery River Phlegethon.
This time, Zagreus was prepared enough to defeat the Fury Sisters—it helped that Tisiphone didn't talk much and Meg found his newfound bit of stubble eye-catching and distracting—and he made it to Asphodel and its overflowing magma in a better mood. He wasn't sure if the meadows' heat would make the hair go away, but it couldn't hurt to try! A speed boost from Hermes and a teasing comment about making the hair grow faster only strengthened his resolve, and after a trip on the Barge of Death, Zagreus sped off to Eurydice's home. The dryad greeted him with a song, a pomegranate snack to strengthen a Boon, and an attempt to burn off the hair with some parchment paper and wax, which only succeeded in burning half his face.
Zagreus thanked her anyway, and soon found himself face to faces with the fearsome Lernaean Bone Hydra, or as he called it, Lernie. Lernie was in a festive lime-green mood today, which meant it and its other heads had the ability to summon wretches of the Underworld to aid it in taking down Zagreus. As the Hydra shrieked a challenge and a greeting, Zagreus swore he saw it lean closer to inspect his newfound facial hair—and then it laughed.
"Gee, thanks. Was hoping for the magma puddles, but beggars can't be choosers," Zagreus sighed as he half-heartedly sprung into action, making a show of things but ultimately choosing to surrender to the hydra, its heads, the bloodless wretches that clawed at him, and the magma that boiled beneath him.
Zagreus had hoped the magma would at least slow the hair down, but to his dismay, found that the opposite had occurred—it was even thicker now. Sighing in annoyance, but by now impressed at his enemy's tenacity, he suited up for yet another run into the underworld.
Since Lernie hadn't done the trick before it was reasonable to assume he needed to press onward, and by the time he reached the hallowed halls of Elysium, Zagreus counted himself lucky that its gilded warriors weren't up for much talking. He did, however, find Lady Demeter, who lent a sympathetic ear to her grandson's plight and promised to help him freeze the offending hair off.
Zagreus thanked his grandmother with a shiver as the icy cold of her Boon went through his system and empowered him with the chill of a winter's frost. Unfortunately, the hair remained in place, if a bit chilled, and Demeter remembered too late that such a method worked on acne, not stubborn facial hair.
In an adjacent room, Poseidon told his nephew to cheer up, but if he really wanted it gone he'd be happy to send some piranhas his way if he made it to the top. Zagreus's initial curiosity about a new type of surface fish was quickly replaced with fear when he learned what they could do and how, and he politely refused his uncle's offer but agreed to take a Boon that gave his dash the power of the seas. Poseidon was satisfied enough for Zagreus to feel somewhat cheered.
When Zagreus met Patroclus just before the Champions' room, Achilles' lover was surprised and impressed by his newfound facial hair, but was even more surprised when he refused the Kiss of the Styx and instead picked the Cyclops Jerky. But Zagreus had chosen his reward for a reason—whether he won with glory or died with honor against Theseus and Aristaeus, he wanted it over as fast and as painless as possible.
As it turned out, Aristaeus got a few lucky axe swings in that would have decapitated a normal man, but to Zagreus's consternation, failed to shred the stubborn hair even a fraction of an inch when he emerged from the Pool of Styx. At the very least, Theseus had found his newfound appearance frightening instead of sad or annoying, and as Zagreus picked his way back through the Underworld he found himself amused at the thought of their next go-around, hair or not.
By this time he'd said hello to nearly every god and inhabitant he could, but one was still missing from his rounds. With a deep sigh, Zagreus braced himself and dove into Chaos' realm, where the primordial deity regarded him, as they always did, with interest. It seemed of the Fates' entire designs for mortal and immortal lives, Zagreus battling a stubborn hair was not on Chaos' proverbial checklist, and they expressed even more interest in how he felt about the situation.
It was freeing to talk about how irritated it made him feel, from the coarse feel to its prickly-sharp end, and when Zagreus left their realm with a curse that soon became a blessing, he felt confident that maybe this time would be the charm.
It seemed the Fates were on his side this time as he traversed the Underworld with speed befitting Hermes, paid Theseus and Aristaeus back for their earlier victory (saving the boastful Theseus for last), and finally made his way to the surface and the Temple of Styx.
And that was when Cerberus, instead of waiting patiently for his favorite friend, instead let out a low growl followed by a vicious three-headed bark, and lunged for him.
"Whoa, easy boy," Zagreus yelped, narrowly avoiding the giant dog's teeth and claws. "It's me—Zagreus! Look," he said, throwing up his hands in surrender.
Cerberus stopped short at the sound of Zagreus's voice, then leaned down to inspect him more closely. When he did, the guard of the Underworld whimpered in what seemed like shame, and gently gave Zagreus apology licks from all three heads before settling down to wait at his usual spot.
"It's okay, boy," Zagreus said in a comforting tone, reaching up to pet the dog's favored head and receiving a soft nuzzle in return. "With any luck I'll be rid of this hair by the time I battle Father—oh gods, Father…"
He hadn't considered how Hades would take the stubborn hair's sudden appearance, especially since he could recall more than one conversation where his father had lambasted his son for not growing at the very least a fine mustache. For all the foes he'd faced before, Zagreus wasn't sure he was up to facing Hades in his current condition. Surely the Fates wouldn't be that cruel?
Cerberus gave a gentle whine, and the prince turned his attention to the dog. "Right! Just hang on a bit, boy; I'll get you that satyr sack right away."
Zagreus headed to the first of the Temple's storage chambers with a spring in his step that was quickly reduced to shrieking dashes of terror when the dreaded King Vermin, offended by his newly grown facial hair, attempted to gnaw his head and the rest of his limbs off. Zagreus defeated the beast at the cost of one of his Death Defiances, and thanked his lucky stars that the Gigantic Vermin, while troublesome, weren't nearly as overwhelming. With any luck, he'd hopefully find a solution to his woes before he found the squealing bag of satyr chow.
Sadly, on his next go Zagreus found the sack at the end of the corridor. He was tempted to head to the surface and fight his father anyway, hair or no hair, but ultimately his stubborn pride won out—there were three more corridors to explore and potential rewards to obtain, and surely one of these passages could help. Zagreus knew he was grasping at straws, but figured anything was better than nothing. Cerberus would just have to wait a bit for his treat.
Zagreus pressed on through the third and fourth corridors, and it wasn't easy going as his mood worsened. He lost his second and third Death Defiances along the way to a combination of poison, traps, and general dread about the situation, which was only alleviated slightly by a comforting Dionysus boon that took the edge off the pain. When he entered the fifth and final corridor, he half-considered giving up now before reaching the end, but shook his head. Stubborn to the end, Zagreus reached the final chamber and stood watching as the Dire Snakestone rose from the floor, began to hum, and fired bright pink lasers from all sides.
Zagreus was addled enough that he dashed into one of the deadly heat beams instead of moving away, and it was then he felt a tingle down his spine as the laser made contact with the hair on his chin. Where everything else had tried and failed, the Dire Snakestone seemed to succeed at burning the hair away—not just removing or plucking it, but vaporizing it entirely. Enthused beyond words at his unexpected turn of fortune, the Underworld prince dashed forward, letting the Snakestone engulf him in its rays until his body could take no more.
But when he got back to the House of Hades Zagreus was smiling, and when he dashed to the Mirror of Night he confirmed his suspicion: The stubborn hair had been tamed at last, and showed no signs of returning. To his further delight, the prophecy the Fates had written for him was now complete. As he finished reading the scroll, awaiting whatever reward they'd seen fit to give him, his attention was marked by a sudden pop as something in his room appeared in a puff of what smelled like brimstone.
Sitting on his beside table, right near the board game no one but him seemed to play, were a handheld mirror, shaving cream, and a razor.
Zagreus groaned in exasperation—but then he grinned as he dashed out to clear the Underworld in full. By the time the mighty gates opened and he faced his father at last, Stygius in hand, Zagreus knew what the architects of his predicament had been trying to teach him.
The stubborn heir, as the Fates called him, would face whatever came no matter what—and, eventually, triumph. He'd just have to be wary of what could happen.