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FIVE
Aftran flew back to the forest as an owl. I could feel the exhaustion in my body, even if I couldn't move it— too many morphs, not enough time and rest between them. She left the boy's clothes in the dumpster of a restaurant.
It took less time than I expected for her to find the part of the woods Karen died in. She only had to demorph once before finding the bushes where my clothes fell.
All I wanted to do was curl up and sleep.
Aftran demorphed again, sending another crashing wave of exhaustion through me. My body stumbled coming out of the morph, barely staying upright. Putting on my muddy, filthy, torn clothes chilled me immediately. Physically, I felt miserable. Mentally, I was absolutely breaking down.
Instead of resting she headed out on foot, stumbling in the dark of early morning. Not straight through to town but in a curving path that would take me much closer to the ocean. It added up to something like a five mile walk back to civilization. Far enough away that any involvement in Karen's death would be written off, even by suspicious controllers.
Neither of us spoke for hours.
The longer the stalemate went on the less I could deal with it. There was no escaping the charged, unbearable silence in my own head. The discomfort built and built. The sky lightened. My body began to move more surely on scraped feet and bruised legs.
«So, what are you going to do?» I finally asked.
Silence.
«Your host is dead.» I tried again. «You are committing— a hostile occupation. Of me.»
It felt unreal. I was using a term I'd memorized for a Social Studies test in my ongoing argument with the alien slug stealing my body.
No. I didn't want to think about school. I didn't want to think about my friends, about my future. About what all of that now looked like.
About what that could look like for not just me, but all of my friends… if I didn't obey.
«... Are my friends safe?» I asked. I'd followed her instructions at the yeerk pool. Would it matter?
She was abruptly present, not as pulled away as she had been. Uncomfortably close. For a long moment she was silent, just watching me. Watching my thoughts, reviewing them intently.
When she spoke, she sounded patronizing. Her emotions were a knot of amusement, dismissiveness, and indulgence. «You've been here the whole time, Cassie.» Like I was being petty, overdramatic.
I was exhausted. Too overwrought for this. «What is that supposed to mean?»
Her focus increased. She was a heavy presence. Intrusive. Oppressive. «At any point since this ordeal started: have I gone to my commander? Have I taken the reward I rightfully deserve for the discovery of the true identity of the andalite bandits?» Her tone was chiding. «Have I divulged your secret to any fellow yeerk?»
I thought about that. It was difficult, with her so close and heavy in my thoughts. «You threatened to.» I said unhappily, unmoved.
She got closer. Heavier. The pressure around me increased. «And if I hadn't? Can you truly tell me you would not have tried to sneak away?»
I felt something thick and dense and burning rising inside me. I could feel it there in my chest, without having any control over my body. And then it burst out all at once, and I was screaming.
«I DON'T WANT TO BE A CONTROLLER! I DON'T WANT THIS!» And then I was hurling expletives I wasn't supposed to say, calling Aftran something that isn't okay, something I wasn't even supposed to know. It came pouring out of me. Fury. Rage. Fear. Sick and twisted dread.
She pushed an image at me. An impression— a memory. It played from the point of view of Karen, years before being infested. She was mid-flail as a toddler, screaming and crying on the floor.
«Human girls.» Aftran said. «The host tantrums are unforgettable.»
«AHHHHHHHHHHGH!» I screamed. In complete fury, in revulsion and frustration and stress. «I am NOT YOUR HOST!»
«Cassie,» Aftran snapped. She came to a stop. Stared forward at a tree trunk. I could feel her frustration. And under that, cruel amusement and contempt. «Use your eyes, girl,» she reveled, still too close and invasive a presence, pressing down on my mind. «Look around you and get a clue.»
It hurt. Just as much as she meant it to.
She walked my body forward in silence for long minutes. I willfully went back to daydreaming, hoping that Tobias would spot me from overhead, that I'd run into Ax patrolling the forest, that a furious grizzly Rachel would step out from behind a tree and suggest Aftran come quietly.
«The sooner you accept this, the easier it's going to be.» She said at last.
«I don't have to.» I said simply.
She went quiet for a moment. I felt her watching my thoughts, considering. Abruptly serious. «Free or dead.» she said musingly. «And yet, you volunteered.»
«I thought it was temporary.» I grated out.
«Did you, Cassie?» Aftran sounded almost pensive as she spoke. «You know what I am. You had to know I would never give up the technology your body holds. That kind of power and freedom.»
«It doesn't matter.» I said. «You can't take me back home, just keep up a charade. Jake will kill you or he'll kill me.»
«He cares too much for you.» Her dismissal grated at me.
«Ax, then.» I said «Or Marco, or Rachel. On Jake's orders.»
She said nothing.
I went back to hoping. Constructing little fantasies. Marco, or Jake, would suddenly attack from behind, dive from above. I would barely have time to react before I'd be seriously injured, overpowered. Helpless. I'd be locked up for three days… or I'd die. Aftran would die or I would. One or both of us would not be walking away from this.
I kept up hope, I kept up my little fantasies, until the service station came into sight.
It was one of those old-style places, with BAIT and LIVE MINNOWS painted across a fading vintage sign. There wasn't a sign to say if it was open or closed. Aftran walked my body up to the door and pushed, then knocked when the door didn't open.
After a moment she knocked again. My leg muscles were popping and throbbing now that I wasn't moving. I had a feeling they were going to hurt badly tomorrow if I didn't morph away the soreness.
The door opened as she raised my hand to knock a third time. A heavyset woman with dirty blonde hair stared at me. "Whatddyawant?"
"I–" my voice said, cracking and sounding shockingly young and vulnerable "I've been lost in the woods. Can you please call someone to help?"