Chronicles of rainbow ravens, wall-to-wallnut enchantress
ACT 1
Rainbowravens is a 6'3 (if you count the witch hat) self taught witch in training who also happens to be a crow who also happens to be secretly a member of the flora if you check the australian census who also happens to be part of the mob. She was legally an adult for three days, and she didnt feel any different. She strutted down the alleyway between williams and queensborough, the one where she waters the little dandylion in the sewer grate when she passes by. Phone on two percent, headphones plugged into death cab for cutie, this cutie phoned a cab and got ready to tip two percent to meet her plug, Death. That was her legal name cos her parents were giga cornballs. After what felt like half an hour, because it was half an hour, the taxi arrived. It was fucking green. Fuck kinda shit is that. They were definitely going to mug me, but i do half an hour of squats everyday and can crush a watermelon by standing on it, am a master thief from my exploits as part of the talon gang, so i can run fast and am good with knives, and i have magic, so even in a 300v1 scenario, id come out on top. I know ninjitsu. In the cab was this scrawny but tall guy covered in soot and with stupid sharo sunglasses from 03. Didnt even have to use my legs, i could beat this guy in an arm wrestle. I figured that i would smoothly get this guy to crack open like a nut while hiding that i am one-oop! Almost forgot to put on the hoodie to hide my leafy feathered exterior. But yeah, let my smooth voice and charms do the talking. "Hey sexy moustache (he does not have a moustache), how about you give me the down-low on whats down low?" "My name" he pulled out a stupid cape and a magic hat "is hackerman." "Whats ur real name buddy" "Ok ok fine. Its bobert. Bobert, the boss!" "Im bot calling you that. Im reffering to you as bob, maybe even bob the peon, not thr boss." "Oh, gods no, anything but that. Anyway, im like you" "A witch?" "A furry." He saw through my disguise. Ill have to kill him, but first; "How do you know i am a raven?" "For i am the hackerman. I hacked your phone. U write in ur electronic diary that you are a 6'3 (if you count the witch hat) self taught witch in training who also happens to be a crow who also happens to be secretly a member of the flora if you check the australian census who also happens to be part of the mob. And i want to help you." This guy is very boring so for the rest of the conversation ill just say what i had to say "So, you can help me?" "What? Fuck no. Do that somewhere else" "Youd need like… twenty newts for that. Not to mention the witching laws itd break" "The edition from 72?… shit… alright, if you pay for the cauldron" We arrived at my destination, deaths avenue. He had good battery acid for cheap. As a witch, you grow a resistance to psychadelics, and as a plant you grow a resistance to mushrooms, so something unfamiliar like this is preferable. The hackerman followed me into the dark, to his death. They were a couple it seemed… i did not care for either, i had a playboy model for a girlfriend, who was currently in the hospital. Alongside these two, the night was young. Rainbowravens had attempted to infiltrate the ZOMBLYPICS, and was coming first. Nobody suspected a thing, and i came first in every event, but unfortunately the zombie judges were transphobic and also sexist and eliminated me on that ground. If they knew i were a witch i am sure they wouldve lynched me, theyre oldheads, im young, all of them hunched over with wrinkles like theyre seventy eight, Tick! Tick! Tick! Either way, i wouldnt let this be the end of it. This would- oh god the cops. Death and hackerman got into the taxi, and entered the oncoming traffic. Nine cars stopped, but one with the numberplate "MOTO X", with wheels that mustve had a meter in their radius- maybe more, taking up two lanes and advancing on us. Death was a good fighter, he worked with used needles attached to a string and chains, and he could bench 400 pounds, id seen him. The "loser" on the other hand was panicking, he had a small gun on his hip with a million safety locks that itd take you half an hour to use it and a tight wrench, but obviously didnt know how to use either in a fight. He was more valuable to us at the wheel. Myself, i had a staff and a witches broom that was just for show. I say im a witch but truthfully im an enchantress, i can enchant things but i cant directly "magic things". I nodded to death, enchanted his needles and he got on the roof. There was some kind of all star in the car, gaining, but wed be there. And- A gargantuar appeared out of a rift and smashed us all with a hammer.
ACT 2
I arose at the bottom of a pirate ship with the other two. A lesser mortal would have no idea whats happening, but i pieced together that this was some kind of time travel related shenanigan. Death was awake, hackerman was not. I opened his mouth, and poured leaves in. "Leaves turn inside you" He woke up. Those two pussies wanted to lay low, but no, not me. Between two walls, through me, i make all things possible. Ill shine bright and never fade away, never fade away. Heat death will happen in 100100 years and ill be shining like a star, the only witch who knew how to code. Some girl in a little pirate cap, blue and white stripes with a skull and crossbones, you know the one, brandished a sword at us. I had noticed her before but didnt want to say to my narration for there were more important things than she. I was however, ransacked of my hat, my hoodie, my stockings, my joire de vivre. I was in rags… so i needed to use what i had to defeat her. There were barnacles inside the ship- ha! Theyre going to sink when im long gone from here and wont even know of it. Barnacles are fortunately in many a recipe. I could take a barnacle, kick a hole in the very flimsy wall for wood. With this piece of wood, I vivisected out my emergency appendix. I have three appendixes, they are great magical conductors. Two of them are stolen, and usually I take someone elses but I needed to make do. I crushed the appendix and used the barnacle as a bowl, and then I spat in it. When flora meets fauna, magic happens. Finally, I uncovered my beak and squawked outside the hole, and put out the concoction. As expected, it attracted a waterdeer, a deer that walks on water. It came to lick the potion, and I stuck the wooden plank upside its head. This deer had been suffering from chronic wasting disease, so I was doing it a favour. The brain of a chronically wasting deer… now that's a powerful ingredient to a potion. When placed on a picture of the united Australia party's noble leader, pauline hanson, it brews madness in its pure form. I did not have a picture of Pauline hanson on me. I burnt this, and the little witch who was stupid enough to not know what I was doing inhaled the fumes. Proving she could be stupider that what she looked still, she beat her head on the wall, brains showing, until she stopped because she was dead from brain damage. She didn't break the cabin wall despite my kick breaking it… I take this as validation. I arose the stairs, only to see him… the fuckass cop from before, now with a peg leg and a captains hat, the poser! Little fuckhead wasn't really a pirate, and was playing into the stereotypes of a marginalised, oppressed group. Itd be like if a white guy painted his face black as the night currently were amidst the sea, illuminated only by the breaks of the lighthouse and the full moon, wore lipstick and ordered chicken and watermelon. I bet that other girl also wasn't a pirate.
"attention, people!"
"I am your true captain"
For some reason they didn't buy it. I could however retreat to the fumes of the C.W.D, so we were at a stalemate between us. When I returned downstairs, and some idiot followed me finding the same fate of bashing his head in, death and hackerman were staring at me. Hackerman had hackermanned the lighthouse and also the moon. My first idea was to turn off the light from the lighthouse and also turn off the light from the moon, but then I had a better idea. They were up there, we were down here. I concocted a genius plan with minor help from death and hackerman, they only came up with how itd work, the idea, I came up with the name (marquee moon), and other important stuff. We brought the moon within a few hundred metres f the ship, the tide arose greatly, and the people above deck were suctioned to the moon. Not us though. We were below deck, and therefore we didn't feel the suction force. We returned the moon to the sky and headed for shore. We had plans to kill the time garg, and the trip was boring because as it turns out 2% is not a lot of battery life. We came to where my girlfriend would be imprisoned-the poor thing. She had haemophilia, so once she started bleeding she wouldn't stop. One thing I knew was that id want her on my side if I were to try to take down the time garg. I planted a seed, and enchanted.
"care for me, care for me,
There for me, there for me,
Cry for me, die for me
Give to me, live for me"
The seed acknowledged the song sung by my beautiful voice. With that, I bespoke an enchantment to return to the present.
ACT III
We were atop the hospital she was staying at. She was in room 731, being tortured and experimented on for being a witch, and, I presume, for being too bad of a bitch. With my ninja skills, I entered the room from the window on the 7thfloor, the other two would arrive five minutes later.
"doo wop!"
The seed responded to its command. By leaving it alone, I had cared for it, and it had been a few hundred years since it was planted I think. It immediately, like lightning, grew into a large tree, with its branches piercing the hearts of the doctors operating on mildred (that's her name). when I say like lightning, I truly mean like lightning. There was a flash, the lighning split at parts, and at the same split second, these lightning crackes became branches. This was my most powerful spell, but at the same time, its both draining and akin to a beacon. The time garg would surely know where the four of us were now.
We waited eight hours for the time garg to arrive, death and loser arrived on the seventh. Id recovered a collection of appendixes from the doctors and drunk all the battery acid, I knew it improved my concentration as an enchantress and broadened what I could do. I took off my hoodie to reveal my majestic wings so that I could comfort mildred and stop the bleeding- as she was haemophilic she would bleed unless she was comfortable, which is hard when you know a time garg is coming for you. The time garg tried the same trick twice but got caught on the branches of doo wop!, piercing him. He did not die however, and was at about… eight percent health. Hackerman did not have access to the moon anymore, as another moon had killed our moon and has been pretending to be the real moon for the last 45 years. But he did have access to an in-room fire hydrant. Death got out his needles and threw them at the garg, they were still enchanted. My enchantments would poison the garg, heightening its mental anxiety as though it were on cocaine, give it chronic wasting disease and overall it would die in five minutes, but it would be a brutal five minutes. The air had a mist to it. Mildred was conjuring a spell, hackerman was hacking some light switch, death was punching the shit out of the garg, I was enchanting the nearby minifridge, when
Death is real.
Someones there and then theyre not.
I have been joking this entire time to cope, but, god, the time garg smashed mildred in one blow. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I almost blacked out, but, I swore it would not happen again to those I cared about. It sapped all of my strength, but I cast a spell of invincibility on all that was behind me, both death and hackerman. They would not die here, though I was vulnerable as ever. I made sure they ran away, then let the time garg have his way with me before it succumbed to the poison. Funnily enough, I didn't die until eight minutes later. I just sat there and knew what It was like for my blood to be cold.