All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight

Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right

This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long

Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

Make This Go On Forever · Snow Patrol

This was real, not a dream. He was real, the warmth of his hand holding hers was real, his scent, his voice, his walk... everything was real, exactly as she'd begged the universe for the last few days. That it was nothing more than a terrible nightmare, and that's exactly what it was. A nightmare she'd witnessed both awake and asleep, that she'd felt with every last fiber of her being.

She remembered a conversation she'd had with Derya shortly after her abduction.

"When one loses someone close to them, they start doubting their whole life. Its purpose, their own selves."

"A wound forms with such ease, but it's very difficult to heal."

Those were her words to her friend because they were the truth. The pain of losing someone was excruciating and almost hard to describe and Ceylin had suffered a lot of losses in the last few years, Deniz, Inci, Baba... so maybe it was easy to imagine that she would know how, after all those losses, her heart was used to this kind of pain, but everything was different when the person in question was Ilgaz.

Everything lost its color, sense, reason, she was just a wandering empty being in the world. It was in Ilgaz that Ceylin found meaning for her existence, a home to call her own, she could finally feel the feeling of belonging, of belonging somewhere, to someone.

"I believe, no one has ever loved me as much as you do."

And really no one ever loved her like he did. His love for her was without interest, without malice, without doubts or resentments and Ceylin could say that, too, she had never loved anyone the way she loved Ilgaz in her entire life. So, receiving the news of his death was for her the same as tearing her own life away, her very existence.

He gave her hope to move forward, to try to be her best version, he allowed her to be who she was without fear, because whenever she turned around, Ilgaz was there by her side, holding her hand, even in the moments when she was wrong.

When they were going through their second divorce era, Ceylin was extremely hurt and even angry, but when Ilgaz's life was threatened by the mafia, Ceylin realized that none of those feelings compared to her love for him and her fear of losing him.

"There are people who need you! Who wouldn't be able to live if anything happens to you!"

"Have you thought what Defne would do without you?"

Of course she wasn't talking about Defne, but about herself. Losing him, even in the situation they were in, was inconceivable to Ceylin, her worst nightmare.

But now the nightmare was over, and he was there beside her, as she'd imagined so many times over the last few days. It was real. But the pain she had felt in those days were as well and even though everything was now somehow over, the pain remained and still throbbed with full force.

Ceylin walked into the hotel room, with Ilgaz close behind. She let go of his hand and dropped her bag on the bed and walked across the room. She felt her whole-body tremble, her lungs felt like she couldn't reach enough air, the tears that had just been of happiness, now were of sadness again.

Her mind replayed the past few days on a loop now. Eren saying that her husband was dead and then screaming that she had killed him, all her requests to be able to see Ilgaz one last time being denied, Metin baba having a heart attack, memories of happy moments tearing her heart apart, the dreams and daydreams, in which he rescued her, killing her slowly each time she woke up and it was his absence she was forced to face, her right to return him to the land being taken away from her, his scent around her but not his warmth, the cold and dry earth under her fingers, the return to an empty and lifeless house.

"Ceylin" she then heard Ilgaz whisper her name across the room, she faced him and saw him approach her hesitantly. Looking into his brown eyes, which always had the power of calming her down, she remembered something she said to her mother last year.

"There isn't a button you can press and forget all the insults and wounds."

"I can't pretend nothing ever happened."

And that was true as much as she didn't want it to be, the pain had been caused, her worst nightmare had come true, and she couldn't just forget.

When she felt Ilgaz touch her arm lightly, Ceylin couldn't take it anymore, her hands on her stomach, she bowed and a scream got trapped in her throat, she struggled to breathe, but she couldn't, tears bathed her face, her chest burned, and she returned to the exact moment when the words 'how did you kill Ilgaz Kaya?' came out of Eren's mouth and her world came crashing down.

Ilgaz fell into despair when he saw Ceylin's body be overcome with strong sobs and bow over as if she were about to collapse. He took her by the arms then and tried to keep her weight, his back wounds protesting with the effort.

"Ceylin, please, sakin ol" Ilgaz pleaded, his eyes blurred with unshed tears, but Ceylin didn't seem to hear through her sobs.

Amid the gasps she gave while trying to breathe, Ceylin faced him and before he could register, he felt Ceylin's fists on his chest, the strength of her punches radiating to his back wounds.

" Nedan?" She screamed desperately, glaring at him as she smacked his chest, "Why did you put me through this? Why?"

"Ceylin, please," he asked, unable to contain his own tears now "I'll explain everything" Ilgaz cried when he saw the state his wife was now in because of him.

"Why?" She screamed once more, clutching his white shirt with all her strength, her chest rising and falling rapidly with the force she was making to breathe through her sobs "I thought about killing myself!" she revealed in a scream that shook every cell in his body "WHY?"

Ilgaz felt his legs weaken along with hers and still weak from the trauma he had suffered, Ilgaz couldn't keep them upright, so they both fell to their knees, Ceylin still clutching his shirt.

Ceylin remembered the first day she walked into their house and was forced to face all of Ilgaz's stuff scattered around the place and how she couldn't imagine living in that house or anywhere else without him, so at the first opportunity, she ran to the nearest drugstore in order to buy a bottle of sedatives, that unbearable pain would end that same night, when, passing through the corridors, on a shelf, the pregnancy tests caught her attention and brought her back to reality.

"Please calm down, I'll explain everything to you" he cried as he held Ceylin's face in his hands. Ceylin just sank into his chest and felt Ilgaz's arms immediately wrap around her, while the tears and tremors still ravaged her body.

Sitting up in bed now, Ceylin found herself calmer, her face still wet, sniffling, but she could still feel residual tremors through her body. She lifted her head and watched as Ilgaz approached her slowly but not hesitantly, it was as if he couldn't physically move any faster.

Ilgaz knelt in front of her and handed her a glass of water.

"Here, take this" she took it with shaking hands, taking a few sips.

Ceylin saw the sadness in Ilgaz's eyes then and her eyes threatened to shed tears again as she remembered that for a few days she thought she would never see her husband's eyes again, but she took a deep breath and held on.

"Tell me what happened" she asked in a shaky sigh.

Ilgaz nodded his head and looked down for a moment before looking back at her, resting his hands on her knees, and taking a deep breath, remembering for a moment the information that Eren had given him about the investigation.

"When I found out that Turgut Ali was involved in everything that happened, I confronted him" today Ilgaz knew he should have dissembled and taken them to a safe place to confront him, he didn't think the man could really do him harm, unfortunately he was wrong "he took me hostage and made me take us to a secluded place where he told me about how Haluk was behind everything and that he was doing it for his daughter."

Ceylin could see from her husband's expression and his way of speaking how betrayed he felt and angry by Haluk's blind revenge, who was blind to everything his grandson had caused.

"I turned my back, I believed him..." he sighed deeply "but he still shot me" Ceylin put the glass of water on the floor and tentatively rested her hands on top of Ilgaz's, that were still resting on her knees.

"I don't remember anything after that, just the pain and thinking about you" he sighed once more "I have flashes of a dark place with a horrible smell, but that's it."

"The dumpster" Ceylin whispered.

"Yes, probably" he said, then turned his hands so he could hold Ceylin's hands and hesitated for a moment before continuing "I woke up in the hospital, I don't know how long later, Eren was there, but I couldn't stay awake very long.

"When I woke up again, I was alone. I thought it strange that you weren't there, because I knew you would be there with me, so I was scared that something had happened to you, that Ömer had gone after you, I knew something wasn't right, but I couldn't get up, it was like I was tied to that bed" Ceylin couldn't help but imagine how awful it must have been for Ilgaz to wake up alone, in pain and confused in that hospital after what he had been through and squeezed his hands back.

"When Eren finally showed up again" his voice was now cracking and tears were threatening to fall down his face "I asked for you and that's when he told me that you were under arrest on suspicion of having shot me, so I demanded that my statement be taken immediately to put an end to that madness, but that was when he told me that I couldn't, because everyone, especially you, thought I was dead" Ilgaz now could no longer hold back the tears.

"I lost it Ceylin, when I found out. I went crazy, I screamed, I cursed, but it was too late" he cried "and I couldn't get out of that damn bed without falling to the floor right away" Ilgaz raged.

"Why?" Ceylin asked in a shaky voice, silent tears streaming down her face.

"Eren was afraid that if they found out that I had survived, before he had concrete evidence to arrest them, they would come back to try to finish the job," he explained, "as soon as he got the evidence, I warned him that I wouldn't let this situation last any minute longer. I should have stayed a few more days in the hospital, but I couldn't let you and everyone else go on living a lie, one as big as this one" he then took Ceylin's face in his hands "Ceylin, forgive me, please" and cried again "forgive me, I would never put you through such pain if I had the choice, please forgive me."

Ceylin then pulled him up to sit beside her on the bed and hugged him, burying her face in the crook of his neck as they both cried.

"Please forgive me" he asked again, his face buried in her hair. Ceylin just nodded and hugged him tighter.

She knew her husband was telling the truth, her heart knew and sang with joy for having the one she loved most in the world back in her arms, but she knew that now she had her mind to face along with the traumas, pains and consequences caused.

Ceylin checked the water temperature and saw that it was the perfect temperature. She pulled up a stool and motioned for Ilgaz to sit down. She carefully helped him take off his shirt and the rest of his clothes, then she got behind him and very carefully removed the bandages from his back. She held her breath as she saw the still fresh marks of what had been done to him.

She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat and then helped Ilgaz into the shower. A few days had passed, but due to the trauma, they were enough to make Ilgaz lose some weight. She washed his back carefully and the rest of his body and took her time massaging his dark hair. She enjoyed every second of being now able to touch her husband again, alive.

Then she remembered the dream she had while she was in prison, in which she was taken to identify his stiff, cold body in the morgue, and she shivered. They finished the shower and Ceylin redid his bandages. Ilgaz looked more tired than ever, they were both exhausted.

She was worried that Ilgaz had left the hospital too soon, but he assured her that he was fine, but that his body would take time to recover from the incident.

Ilgaz helped Ceylin dispose of the things she used to redo his bandages when something in the bathroom wastebasket caught his eye. He felt his breath catch in his chest when he saw the pregnancy test box.

"Ceylin" he called her softly without taking his eyes off the box and she came without knowing what it was, until she saw what her husband was looking at so much.

"You…" he questioned in a whisper, feeling his chest about to explode in his chest, depending on what answer Ceylin had for him.

"I took the test," she replied as she stared at the box, not looking at Ilgaz "but I didn't see the result, I left it on top of the dresser before I left" her expression was a mystery to Ilgaz. They were silent for a while, until Ceylin finally faced him again.

"I didn't have the courage to see the result" a single tear ran down her face. "I was so scared when I took it. It was something we both wanted so badly and then... part of me wanted it more than anything, because then I would have a little piece of you with me, but the other part didn't, because I didn't want to do this without you."

Ilgaz hugged her, kissing her head and whispering 'forgive me' again against her hair, as much as he hadn't planned that situation, he couldn't help but feel guilty every time he was forced to face what Ceylin had to go through with his supposed death.

He then felt Ceylin pull away and take his hand, leading him out of the bathroom in silence. Without letting go of his hand, Ceylin stopped them in front of the dresser, where the test was and faced him.

"Two lines means positive," she said in a low voice.

She stood still and Ilgaz understood, she wanted him to see the result, she wanted it to be as they had planned before all this, for them to do this together. Nervously, Ilgaz swallowed hard and reached for the result from the dresser.

Before looking at the result, he internally thanked Allah for allowing him to live this moment, for being able to be by Ceylin's side and not letting her go through this alone, for still having the chance to build a future with the woman he loved. It might not be right now, depending on the test result, but knowing that he still could, somehow calmed his heart.

He turned the blue plastic over in his hand – the other still holding the lawyer's hand – and felt the spark of hope well up in him, that everything would be all right.

"Two lines," he whispered to Ceylin and showed her the test. He felt her hand squeeze his tighter and saw her try to hold back the tears and hugged her once more, whispering "I'm here" and felt Ceylin sigh in relief in his arms.

They stayed just a few days in Alaçati, despite not having planned a very long vacation, circumstances meant that they ended their days in the city earlier. Despite knowing the truth now and being fine, Ilgaz was still worried about his father. He really wanted to be able to sit down and explain the truth to everyone, especially Defne.

The days they spent in Alaçati were like a beautiful dream, allowing the two a chance to catch their breath after everything they had been through. But Ilgaz could see how Ceylin still needed some time, how she slowly tried to readapt to the reality before them and not give in to the fear of being an illusion. He could feel how sometimes Ceylin squeezed his hand harder than necessary, as if she was checking that he really was holding her or afraid that if she loosened her grip, he would slip away.

Ceylin would sometimes stare at him for several seconds, hardly blinking, not even moving, as if in a brief turn of her head he would disappear from her sight. Mornings were the slowest times to accept reality, Ilgaz watched as Ceylin remained silent for several minutes, examining her surroundings and gradually accepting that she really was awake.

On one of those mornings, they decided to have breakfast outside the hotel and while Ilgaz paid the bill, he watched as Ceylin carefully examined the receipt with what they had consumed and could hear her whispering to herself 'two coffees, two people'. She was a lawyer gathering evidence that what she saw in front of her was indeed true and the pang of sadness he felt in his heart watching her do this was inevitable.

In one of those moments when Ceylin said to herself 'calm down, this is reality', she remembered a TV show that she had watched some time ago, in which it was said that the brain took three days to adapt and took a deep breath when over the course of three days, her brain finally seemed to stop wanting to play with her and free her from the fog of paranoia she'd been wrapped up in the past days.

But now, they both needed to return to their lives and the consequences of what had been done. Ceylin needed to start prenatal care and Ilgaz needed to start attending physical therapy and therapy sessions, which were mandatory after the trauma he had suffered, so that he could return to work.

So, during Ilgaz's leave, Ceylin stepped away from the office. She wanted to focus on and help with Ilgaz's recovery and early stages of her pregnancy. But of course, the return home would not be so easy compared to the calm days they had before.

Despite the mental confusion dissipating, unfortunately the nightmares were still present most nights, for both. Ceylin decided that it would be important to resume treatment with the psychologist, so together with Ilgaz, she started therapy sessions, but that was a long way to go.

There were nights when Ceylin woke up scared from a nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep, most of the time Ilgaz didn't wake up, because of the medications he still needed to take. Unable to sleep and not wanting to risk waking up Ilgaz who needed as much rest as possible, Ceylin would sit in the armchair next to the bed and watch Ilgaz sleep until dawn, just with the calming sound of his breathing, watching over his sleep.

On one of those nights, while Ceylin was watching Ilgaz sleep from the armchair, she noticed when the prosecutor began to move in bed. A pained expression formed on his face, and he started mumbling, things like 'no' and 'please don't do that' and her name.

Ceylin carefully got back on the bed and knelt beside Ilgaz on the mattress and cupped his face in her hands gently so as not to startle him.

"Shhh, it's okay sevgili" she whispered while carefully caressing his face and hair in order to calm him down "you're okay, we're all okay" and kept whispering comforting words until Ilgaz fell back to sleep peacefully, and in the nights which Ilgaz woke up from a nightmare, he would wrap her in his arms, and they would lie together in each other's arms in silence.

It was practically impossible to leave each other's side. Ceylin accompanied Ilgaz everywhere, she was his moral support in his physical therapy sessions, his companion waiting at the reception during therapy – and vice versa when it was her turn – even the trips to the market near their house, she didn't leave him out of her sight for more than ten minutes and neither did he, the fear of losing him again or that they would come after her was terrible.

Ilgaz was sitting on the bed freshly showered, he was very tired, the physical therapy session that day had been very demanding, one of the shots hit him close to the shoulder, so Ilgaz was working to resume full movement and regain his strength. He felt the mattress shift as Ceylin sat on the bed behind him to redo his bandages.

He could then feel her soft fingers on his back and then he heard Ceylin sniffle. He turned towards her and could see her staring at his wounds, a single tear running down her face, her lower lip now trembling.

"They didn't let me take care of you," she whispered, still running her fingers down his back, "they didn't let me be by your side when you needed it most." Ilgaz knew she was referring to the time he was in the hospital, but he wasn't entirely sure who 'they' Ceylin was referring to, whether they were the ones who hurt him or the ones who helped him fake his death.

Ceylin then kissed him on the back of his neck and wrapped her arms around him from behind gently so as not to hurt him, resting her head on his neck. Ilgaz took her arms, keeping her close.

"We're together now" he said, "I promise we'll always be together" and felt her hold him tighter.

Maybe it was because of the pregnancy, Ilgaz guessed, but he could feel that some days Ceylin was more sensitive to what they'd been through than others. Both were trying with all their strength to overcome and move on, especially now that they had someone else to think about, their dream turned into reality, a future to look forward to, but the process was slow and delicate, so some days were heavier than others.

Ilgaz woke up scared that night when he heard Ceylin scream, he sat up in bed quickly and felt the twinge of pain in his back that was already normal by now, but he didn't care, he saw how Ceylin was panting, then jumped out of bed and ran towards the door that gave access to the balcony.

He followed her and watched as she struggled with the door latch.

"It won't open" and shook the door frustrated for not being able to open it.

Ilgaz stepped forward and opened the door for her, and she immediately ran out and leaned against the railing, breathing in the night air. He approached her carefully and only when Ceylin looked at him, did he dare to touch her.

"I had dreams of you constantly on the first few days" she said after several minutes of silence, her breathing slowly returning to normal "but every time I woke up and you weren't there, I was trapped in that cell, and it was like I couldn't breathe," she revealed.

With a shuddering sigh, Ilgaz brought her close and with his thumbs wiped the tears from his wife's face, her green eyes glistening with tears and the moonlight.

"I wish I could go back so much" he said in a low voice "and erase all this pain we've been through" he kept saying while stroking her cheeks "but I can't" his voice was full of regret.

"No, you can't" Ceylin said and rested her hands on Ilgaz's chest "but you always fought for me, for us."

"And I will keep fighting every day if I have to."

On May 26th, his birthday, Ilgaz felt different from any other birthday, his gratitude for celebrating another year was different, it wasn't just another year, it was a new opportunity. Facing his own death so closely was an experience that put his whole life in a different perspective.

Ilgaz was undergoing physical therapy and therapy so he could be released back to work, but the truth was, he had no idea how he was going to get back. He felt betrayed by those with whom he worked for a good part of his career and by justice itself. Since his wrongful arrest, he could count on his fingers how many people in the DA's office were willing to help him, who believed in him – and Ceylin – and who remained faithful. He had no idea how he was going to walk those halls again.

He didn't think about giving up, there was a lot to be done, places to be filled, but every minute he thought about it, he was surer that life was much more than that.

When his mother passed away, Ilgaz didn't have the opportunity to say goodbye to her, hug her, talk to her, tell her how much he loved her, ask for her blessing. He knew that given the opportunity, he would do everything differently before her death. He would enjoy every second by her side, say everything he felt, fill some of the voids that her death had left in him.

He could now see himself through Ceylin, who had been subjected to the same situation he had lived with his mother. Ilgaz couldn't go back on his mother, but now he could do differently on Ceylin. After Serdar's death, several events had been triggered one after another – the divorce, the Mafia, Pars' death, his arrest and then his death – without allowing them a break, a moment to catch their breath.

He promised himself – and for Ceylin and their future baby – that everything would be different now, that life would be more than that, the mistakes made, the losses, the traumas of the past.

"I wonder where I went wrong, what I did that wasn't enough... I'm angry with myself" he said to Ceylin when they were in Cappadocia. Practice forgiveness was sometimes not so easy, – a quality that Ilgaz greatly admired in his wife, even if sometimes her forgiving spirit hurt her – but now for him and everyone to move forward, he needed to forgive, so that he would be forgiven too and so that he could forgive himself.

To celebrate his birthday, Ceylin organized a birthday lunch in the garden with their family and close friends, and during lunch, Ilgaz could see the gratitude he felt spread across the entire table.

When Ceylin brought the cake and Ilgaz blew out the candles, he noticed how emotional the lawyer was and she couldn't contain herself and burst into tears. She was certainly the most grateful of everyone there.

"I'm sorry, I'm just really happy that we're able to celebrate your birthday" she said and then Ilgaz pulled her to him and hugged her.

Everyone was very happy. Unfortunately, what had been done could not be undone, but life allowed them a second chance, the pain was caused and at times it was still felt, but they believed that they would be able to overcome it, just as her husband taught her one day.

¹TV show: "Bones" The Doctor in the Photo (06x09)

not sure i'm happy with the ending, but i needed to get it out of my chest, so... let me know what you think.

twitter: dianapaulsenn