'Cause she's a cruel mistress
And a bargain must be made
But oh, my love, don't forget me
When I let the water take me
Florence The Machine · What The Water Gave Me
Lying on the bed, Ceylin watched the continuous movement of the ceiling fan, how it turned and turned without stopping, always in the same direction, at the same rhythm. Mesmerized by the movement, she wondered if her life had ever been like this, constant and predictable. The answer was no.
Maybe in a short moment yes, but in general? No. Her life was like a car accident, where she was the only survivor, but sometimes the weight of being a survivor was hard to bear, almost unbearable.
She got up and walked to the bathroom, looked briefly in the mirror and began her routine of every day for the last few months. She washed her face and hoped that the cold water would wash away all the last months of her life down the drain, but unfortunately that was not possible. The concealer hid the dark circles that adorned her beautiful green eyes, which once shone like crystal clear water. The dark makeup gave a much-needed boost to her tired look and covered the redness of her eyes.
Sleeping was something she rarely did nowadays, her mind was always wrapped in a whirlwind of thoughts. Her best nights' sleep was when her body succumbed to the exhaustion of days without sleep and constant work, but then thoughts turned into dreams and her dreams always had a tragic ending.
Which consequently brought her migraine attacks back, making them her constant companion. Ceylin opened the medicine cabinet and took out the bottle of painkillers and realized that there was only one pill left, she had bought the bottle last week, how was it already empty? She apparently was having more crises than usual. Normally she needed two pills to be able to get through the day without her head feeling like it was going to explode like a balloon, but today she would have to deal with just one until she bought more.
She went to the kitchen and made strong coffee; a new habit acquired after many nights without sleeping well. She remembered a time when all she wanted most in the morning was a cup of strong coffee, but she couldn't drink it as it would affect her breastfeeding, but it was a sacrifice she was more than willing to make.
Ceylin cursed, burning her tongue as she was lost in old memories. She shook her head and pushed these thoughts away. She then focused on frying eggs for breakfast while sipping coffee.
She sat down at the table, but at the first bite she felt like she couldn't, she then tried to force herself to eat, she didn't know the last time she had really eaten apart from bites here and there, nothing that could compare to a real meal, but after the second bite, she automatically felt sick and gave up, throwing the contents of the plate in the trash.
With the coffee mug in hand, Ceylin looked through the wardrobe to choose the outfit for the day and while examining the dark pieces, she found an old pink blazer at the bottom of the wardrobe. She had bought it specifically for her first day back at work after maternity leave.
She felt her chest tighten and her breath catch in her chest. She remembered smiles and happy hugs every time she wore that blazer.
She loves pink.
She took a few deep breaths as she had learned in the last few months, quickly blinked her eyes to eliminate the burning sensation in them, crumpled up the blazer and hid it in the depths of the wardrobe, as if it had committed some transgression. She grabbed the first black blazer she saw and went to change.
She managed to push back the tears and control her breathing, but the strange feeling in her chest remained as she changed.
It was still too early to go to the Prosecutor's Office, probably only the security guards and cleaning staff would be there, but Ceylin didn't care, she could get ahead with her work and enjoy the calm of the almost empty building and she certainly wouldn't bump into anyone. At those times she missed her old office.
But of course, she was bound to bump into people sooner or later, especially him, who worked in the same building as her. After leaving a hearing, Ceylin saw him from afar talking to another prosecutor. Normally Ceylin would pretend she didn't see him and head in the opposite direction, but something caught her attention and kept her standing in place watching him.
Ilgaz wore a navy-blue silk tie, but what was special about that tie was that it was the prosecutor's first gift on his first Father's Day. No one knew, but there was a small stain on the back of the tie. Acquired after a chaotic morning where the alarm didn't go off loud enough, breakfast partially burned, tea spilled, but full of laughter and jokes. They never managed to get that stain out.
The strange feeling in Ceylin's chest from that morning returned, she felt her breathing quicken. She reached for her neck in search of her tree of life necklace, intending to hold it and calm herself as she always did, but it was empty, as it had been for the past few months.
Her heart throb with great strength, so strong was the love she felt for him, her heart had never known such strength before him, and it only intensified after she had met him, her heart sometimes seemed to beat solely for him, but now there was a huge wound in her heart and the more her heart beat for him, the more it bled, and the more it bled, the emptier it seemed to become.
She then realized that Ilgaz was looking at her now. Ceylin quickly looked away and headed towards the exit without looking back. Her head was starting to hurt again, she stopped in front of the Prosecutor's Office taking a deep breath and felt the hot late summer air hit her face. She wished it was cold and that the cold wind would help soothe the burning sensation that ran through her body.
Summer was once her favorite season, when summer meant sunny Sunday mornings with the family, the beach, faces covered in ice cream, colorful skirts, walks at sunset, swings and soap bubbles. But now nothing like that seemed to exist in her world anymore.
She got into the car and felt her hands were sweaty and shaking, she started the car with the intention of putting the air conditioning to work, but the radio automatically turned on along with it, playing the last song she had heard with Elif in the car.
Ceylin punched the stereo as soon as the notes of dinle beni bi' echoed through the vehicle, causing it to stop immediately. She banged her head against the steering wheel a few times in anger, even without wanting to blow the horn, which made her startle and stop. She looked around to see if no one was watching her and saw that some eyes were in her direction. She then quickly put on her belt and hurried to get out of there.
With her chest still tight, she then headed to the Olympic center, knowing that the place would be empty at that time. On days like today, when Ceylin's mind gave her no respite and didn't allow her to organize her thoughts and the world weighed more than usual on her shoulders, she would run to the pool. The cold water helped her calm down, the feeling of her burning lungs demanding for air and her wobbly legs from the effort she put into swimming helped distract her mind.
After changing and putting on her swimsuit, when she was putting away her bag, she received a message from Umut, with information regarding one of her cases. Thinking it was her jewelry theft case, which she would have a hearing early tomorrow morning, Ceylin decided to check before getting into the pool, but it was for another case she was working on. The disappearance of a 7-year-old boy. According to Umut's message, the boy had been found dead in the back of an abandoned house.
She swallowed hard and without responding to the message, she threw her cell phone into the closet and closed it with more force than she should have. She grabbed her towel and headed towards the pool. As expected, it was empty, not even the cleaning staff were there.
Ceylin stretched, trying to get rid of some of the stiffness she felt in her body, especially in her shoulders. She held her breath and dove in, swimming to the other side of the pool in a single breath. When she reached the other side, she didn't allow herself much time to catch her breath and dove again, coming back almost without taking in any air along the way and repeating the process, going around the pool a couple of times, her lungs were already starting to burn, but that didn't seem to be enough to calm her mind.
She then began to count the strokes she took between each breath and dived once more.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
Seven years old.
Breathe, again.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine...
Miraç disappeared on July 9th.
Breathe, again.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...
He would have turned eight years old this month.
Breathe!
That alone wasn't helping. Ceylin felt her heart beat frantically in her chest and her lungs suck in as much air as they could. She dove again.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
Miraç was with a blue toy when he disappeared.
Breathe, again.
One, two, three, four, five...
Five years old today.
No, breathe!
Ceylin took a breath twice and dove again, only this time deeper into the pool, perhaps more water pressure would help.
One, two, three...
Missing at the age of three.
Four, five, six, seven...
She disappeared on May 7th.
No!
Eight, nine, ten, eleven...
She wore a yellow blouse.
No, no! Ceylin felt like her chest was going to explode, she needed to get to the other side of the pool. She stopped counting her strokes and just swam.
She was wearing blue pants.
But no matter how much Ceylin swam, the end of the pool never seemed to come.
Brown hair and eyes and a birthmark on the sole of her left foot.
No, no, no! She couldn't take it anymore, she needed air and Ceylin couldn't see the end of the pool, she decided to climb up, but no matter how hard she swam, she couldn't reach the surface.
Mercan was three years old when she disappeared.
NO! Ceylin fell into despair, she seemed to be swimming in circles.
Mercan, where are you?
With her heart racing and unable to breathe, panic flooded her, just like that fateful day.
Mercan, where are you?
Anne!
She couldn't see the surface, since that day, Ceylin simply couldn't reach the surface and breathe.
MERCAN!
ANNE!
.
.
When little black dots appeared in her vision and Ceylin thought that that was the end of it all, her lungs burned, only this time because they were receiving air after being underwater for so long.
With short, rapid breaths, Ceylin tried to catch her breath. Her diving goggles and headdress had been ripped away from her, and now she could hear a voice in the background telling her to breathe.
" Nefes al, Ceylin" she knew that voice "please, breathe".
Strong arms supported her on the surface while her body still struggled to catch air.
"Breathe, Ceylin, breathe" and she did as the voice told her.
Her back against his chest.
"Breathe, Ceylin."
Her heart was still pounding in her chest, but her body finally began to relax, and her breathing slowly returned to normal.
Ceylin didn't need to turn around to know who he was. He always had this power to calm her down.
He always seemed to know.
Ilgaz.
.
.
They were now sitting on the benches in the stands, two benches separated them. Ceylin had lent her towel for Ilgaz to dry his face and hair. She watched him as he dried off, he still wore his work clothes, except for his tie and suit, but he still had his shoes on, his white dress shirt now clinging to his broad chest.
Ilgaz seemed to feel Ceylin's penetrating gaze on him and turned to her, who quickly looked away when she was caught in the act, admiring him.
With a small sigh, Ilgaz handed the towel back. Ceylin immediately accepted and hid her face in it, wiping it, in order to hide it in case she had blushed, but she quickly regretted it, because now her towel smelled like him. Her heart seemed to miss a beat when she smelled his perfume again after so long. She moved the towel away and placed it on her lap.
"What are you doing here?" She asked, trying to hide her reaction, but also because she was genuinely curious, "how do you know this place?"
Ilgaz stared at her for a few seconds and then turned his attention to the pool, without responding.
Of course he wasn't going to answer, those were stupid questions, questions that Ceylin knew the answer to.
Taking a deep breath, Ceylin said in a low but sincere tone of voice, "Thank you."
Ilgaz just nodded.
They remained silent for a few minutes, just staring at the gentle movement of the water. Ilgaz then stood up and when Ceylin thought he was going to leave without saying anything else, he stopped and looked at her sideways.
"If you're having them too often, maybe you should consider seeing someone…" his tone sounded calm, but Ceylin knew the nuances in his voice, the hidden feelings underneath. "Be careful, please" he then turned and walked away, hands in his pockets and head down, leaving a trail of water along the way.
Ceylin returned to the locker room and when she opened her locker to get her bag, she came face to face with a bottle full of painkillers that she used for her migraines. She clutched the bottle to her chest and couldn't help but suppress a sad smile.
She put it in her bag and headed towards the shower. When she was done, she packed her things and sat down on the bench to put on her shoes, when she pulled them out from under the lockers, something inside on the pair of one of them caught her attention.
It was a Polaroid photo, she couldn't see it clearly, the photo was a little dark, but she could tell it was of a girl from behind. Ceylin felt her heart accelerate and was intrigued, she turned the photo over and saw that there was something written behind it.
Missing her?
.