Notes: The El-Melloi crew takes center stage... and they have to share it with the Elly crew.

FGO: Tales from the Second Archive
An FGO Fanfic by
Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)
Chapter 14: Big Al's Bouncing Service

Like Mash, Irisviel did not sleep. Also like Mash, the reason was a certain concoction pumping through her veins. Although in Irisviel's case, it had less to do with sugar and caffiene, and more to do with being a terminal for the Holy Grail. Which, incidentally, involved both being extremely knowledgeable about many subjects, and yet, knowing precious little about some others. It seemed only natural for her to collect that missing knowledge, and Team Caster was the perfect place to do so.

To that end, and somewhat inspired by Gilgamesh's treasury, Irisviel had converted her room into a live-in library. She was not selfish with it, however, and all other Casters were welcome to partake, provided they could be both quiet and neat while using it. On rare occasions, this privilege was also extended to non-Casters, if Irisviel felt the Servant in question would both greatly benefit, and would in turn then greatly benefit their Master by being so educated.

One such Servant was young Alexander. He was an especially avid reader, and Irisviel held a small hope he might blossom into the adult Iskander at any moment. Which would certainly be a huge help, as their Master had often complained about wanting more powerful Riders.

This did not actually happen in quite the way she'd hoped, however. What she managed to trigger instead was a sort of non-physical growth spurt. Alexander was exactly the same size, and his appearance was no different, but his attitude... that was extremely different. He had always been friendly and approachable and eager to learn all he could from comrades, but after the growth spurt, certain aspects of the adult Iskander had come forward, and Irisviel reluctantly had to ban him from the library. He could still be quiet, mostly, while within it, but she had noticed that his love of geography and been replaced by detailed doodles of how and which areas of the world he would next conquer, complete with sketches of slain enemies and himself surrounded by the spoils of war, which included crowns, gold, and yes, even scantily-clad women. That last part only bothered Irisviel in that he had begun to view her as a potential conquest, and had been so bold to ask if she would be interested in bearing his heir. Which, while it was probably one of the more polite and interesting proposals she had received from a Servant, still indicated to her that he had learned far too much and that allowing him into her living space could not continue.

Alexander did not seem to be hurt or offended by the rejection. He merely shrugged, said some prizes could only be obtained later in his life, and then went in search of his next conquest. Thankfully, it was not a woman. But now that Team Rider, which had been relocated to Space Ishtar's spaceship and was almost entirely female, was no longer housed in the apartment complex, Alexander had taken over the heated pool, and turned it into his new base of operations. He did intend to fill it with beautiful women once more, but that was not an immediate concern. He felt certain that once he conquered a worthy area, either it would already contain such women, or they would be drawn to it naturally while it was under his rule.

Irisviel, either despite or because of her miscalculation, felt personally responsible for the changed Alexander, but realized that dealing with him directly was unwise. Waver was the natural choice, as he even asked to be given the task of keeping Alexander out of trouble. But immediately, he sent word that it wasn't going well. Alexander, while he either considered Waver a faithful minion or wise teacher, depending on mood, was still very hard to control. There needed to be a distraction, large and long-lasting enough that it would occupy much of Alexander's time. Irisviel suggested a business, but left the particulars to Waver. She had thought the result would be a defense class, or possibly a guided tour group. So when she saw the first flier for Big Al's Bouncing Service, she had no idea what to think, and did not even immediately connect it to Alexander.

The Well-Come-On-In Wagon was in high spirits that day. At least, most of them were.

Mash, for whatever reason, seemed to have a real knack for being welcoming, and the sight of her dressed like she'd just rolled out of bed was humorous enough that it put most Servants at ease at once. Clytie and Katsushika were very happy about this.

Da Vinci was not, because Mash was happy, and Da Vinci could not be happy while Mash was happy. But, Da Vinci was all about discovering the perfect opportunities. So she could be very patient, when necessary. And she believed the chance to have her perfect revenge against Mash would come, eventually.

This was not that day. Today, she was merely a side character, if that, for someone else's drama as it unfolded. Or perhaps comedy was more descriptive.

In any case, when the newest Servant was summoned (a shy girl with glowing green eyes who immediately yanked the hood on her capelet over her head), Da Vinci was all smiles as usual, and spread her arms to welcome the new arrival. "Welcome to-"

"Don't touch her!"

Da Vinci blinked. In an instant, the new Servant was surrounded by Hassans, each of varying height and weight. Normally, this would at least be severely off-putting. But the girl glanced at each of them curiously, without seeming at all alarmed. Almost as if she could sense no intent to kill in them. Or more precisely, she could sense no intent to kill her in them. Very much the opposite, in fact: they were seeking to protect her. From Da Vinci, apparently. Which would have been a compliment, except that Da Vinci was trying to be welcoming, not threatening. So it really was a rather huge insult.

It was Jack the Ripper who had spoken, and they quickly latched onto the girl's arm. "She's with us! Hands off!"

Da Vinci could not really argue, as the girl was clearly an Assassin, but still. "I was only saying hello."

"We don't believe you!" Jack stuck out their tongue. "And we're the Boss, so we don't have to listen to you!"

Da Vinci gasped in outrage. "Really, now! So rude!"

Jack snapped their fingers. At once, the Hassans picked up the girl, who offered no protest and continued looking at them curiously, as they began to carry her away. This only changed when she spotted the next Servant to be summoned after her, and tried to halt the procession, but was ignored.

"I see Gray is popular as ever, even here," the newest Servant noted. "Good for her."

Da Vinci paused, waiting to see if she would be interrupted again, and when she wasn't, offered the standard greeting.

The reaction was a long, thoughtful stare. "You're not the one I expected to be greeting me."

Da Vinci threw an accusing glare at Mash, who shrugged and shook her head.

Without warning, Waver suddenly appeared in their midst. "Da Vinci, before you send-" he began to say, then paused. "Oh... I'm too late, then?"

"No, you're just in time to pick me up, brother dear," the newest Servant practically purred.

Waver shivered as he turned to face her. "Reines. You're here, too? I came because I sensed Gray's presence, but even now, I can't sense yours."

Her smile only widened. "Because I'm hiding it from you, obviously. I wanted to surprise you. And I succeeded."

"Well, now that you've had your fun, I really do need to find Gray, so if you-"

"The fun is only beginning. And you'll have to do much better than that, if you want to escape me." Reines stepped forward and looped her arm through his. "In any case, I don't think Team Assassin will part with Gray so easily. You will need an excellent strategy first. I might have some ideas on that."

"Thanks, but there's a bit of a situation I have to deal with first. I thought I would be able to pick up Gray and return right away. I can't exactly leave him alone for too long."

"Him, who?" Reines asked.

Waver sighed. "You'll see."

"Ah, you've returned, my faithful minion!"

Reines stared at the jolly red-haired boy that rose to greet them. "This is... Alexander?"

Waver nodded. "Master has never had any luck summoning the adult version, so... this is who I've been dealing with."

"He seems pleasant enough, so what could possibly-?"

"And this must be the exquisite lady you promised to bring!" Alexander said, staring at Reines approvingly.

Reines smirked. "And his eyes work flawlessly."

Waver sighed. "Wait for it."

"She will make an excellent queen for me!" Alexander proclaimed.

"Aaaaand there it is," Waver groaned.

Reines blinked. "If that's a proposition, I would need time to-"

"No, you don't need time, you're refusing, right now!" Waver hissed in her ear.

Reines glanced at him and smirked. "Brother dear, are you actually jealous? But of which of us, I have to wonder?"

Waver turned bright red. "That... that isn't the point! You can't accept!"

"And why not? I don't think I'd mind being a queen."

"Reines, please don't accept! I'll explain everything later, but for now, trust me!"

"You know, you're taking an awfully long time to accept my gracious offer," Alexander added. "Things like that won't be tolerated, once you're my queen!"

Reines slowly turned to face him, her eyes flashing a dangerous red. "Oh, really?"

Alexander grinned and drew a shortsword. "Ha! My future queen has fire in her belly! I like it! Come and challenge me all you want, but no complaining once you've been thoroughly conquered!"

The battle was swift and brutal, and by the end, Alexander was not so much covered in bruises as he essentially was one giant bruise. And still, he was laughing and smiling, even as Trimmau treated the very wounds that she had inflicted only moments before.

"His mood never changes, then?" Reines asked.

"Not really. Now do you see why I have to keep a constant eye on him?" Waver muttered. "And why he'd be a horrible husband?"

"Fair enough. I don't mind helping you with your problem child. But what about Gray? Are you really intending to inflict his presence on her?"

"It's less about that, and more about distracting him. The business plan is sound, but I need the proper employees, and that's where Gray comes in." He paused, then added reluctantly, "And you, too, Reines. Even as young as he is, I didn't think you would actually manage to defeat him."

Reines shot him a sour look. "I didn't 'manage' it at all. I absolutely destroyed him with Trimmau. Maybe your eyes aren't as good as his."

Waver cleared his throat nervous;y. "A-Anyway, I could really use your help, if you don't mind."

"I have a condition. I was mostly kidding about becoming a queen. But I may need a husband, eventually. It's only right that you should help me find a suitable partner, brother dear."

Waver sighed. "Okay, I can do that."

"Because if you don't, you are my default choice."

Waver's eyes widened. "What?! Why?!"

"You make such delicious panicked expressions like that, and you still have to ask why?" Reines laughed softly. "Never change, brother dear. Or shall it be darling husband instead?"

Gray liked the Hassans. Sort of. She could easily see how many might view them as creepy. And, had she encountered them individually, she very likely would have had no choice but to fight or possibly kill them.

But there were no individual Assassins under Jack. They were a family. And they had adopted Gray. So that was nice.

Except for the part where Gray could sense, rather strongly, that every member of the family had died and been revived. Very recently. Within the past few days. And apparently, this was a common occurrence.

Gray did not actually believe they would attempt to kill her against her will. But she did suspect that they might try to frame it as something she would benefit from, or that it wouldn't hurt for very long. And she wasn't sure what they would do, when she refused. Well, she was pretty sure they would keep pushing, until someone died, and it wouldn't be her. She felt a little sad about that. Although she thought they might actually appreciate her killing them. Which was another thing to be sad about.

But, for now, they were being nice, and she was enjoying it. While she still could.

After a very nice dinner, they had all settled in to watch some TV. There was a bit of arguing over what to watch, until Gray hesitantly suggested a comedy, as she figured none of them would care for it, so at least no one would be jealous. But only Jack seemed to appreciate the show. At least, Jack was the only one laughing at it. Gray wasn't sure if the Hassans ever laughed, really. And Kiara... it probably wasn't a good thing, if she were laughing.

Then the commercials started. Gray wasn't really paying attention, until she heard a familiar voice that immediately caught her attention.

It was Reines. In a commercial. For something called "Big Al's Bouncing Service" that seemed a bit dodgy, at best. But that didn't matter. Gray had tried earlier to get the Hassans to put her down so she could talk to Reines, but they had been too excited, she supposed. Now, though, she really needed to talk to Reines. If only because Reines might have some ideas on how Gray could escape without too much incident. Gray really didn't want to kill the Hassans. No more than was absolutely necessary, anyway. Even if they wouldn't see it as a betrayal, she would.

At some point, Gray became aware of an uneasy sensation in her stomach. At first, she thought one of her new friends might have laced the dinner with something to make her put up less of a fight to the idea of being killed. But it wasn't that.

Kiara was staring at Gray. No wonder Gray had felt so uneasy. Kiara staring, much like her laughing, could never be a good thing.

"You need a job," Kiara said suddenly.

Jack and the Hassans instantly lost any interest in the TV and turned to Kiara, hanging on her every word.

"I do?" Gray asked.

"You do. And it seems like this... Big Al person, is hiring. Perhaps you should go down there and apply. Jack can escort you. To make sure there's no funny business."

"Yes, okaa-san!" Jack agreed at once.

"It's... really okay?" Gray asked hesitantly. She did not want to seem too eager, but Kiara giving her a way out was... very unexpected.

"Okaa-san said it was, so it is!" Jack chirped, patting Gray's shoulder.

"I see." When Kiara offered no protest, Gray nodded to Jack. "Then, thank you for coming with me, Boss."

Big Al's Bouncing Service had moved into what was formerly the (female) Riders' living space and general heated pool area. The pool was still there (too many Servants would have complained if it was done away with), and was currently occupied by only Alexander, who was swimming laps while his faithful horse, Bucephalus, watched over him.

Jack thought nothing of interrupting, but Gray did not want to, and did not have to: Reines spotted them right away.

"Ah, Gray. I was hoping you saw the commercial. And you brought a friend?"

Gray glanced at Jack. "Well, yes, but Jack is also my Boss, and so..."

"Gray wants a job. But no funny business!" Jack said sternly, or at least as sternly as a small child could. Which was less threatening and more amusing.

"I see." Reines paused for effect. "Gray, you're hired."

Gray blinked. "I haven't applied yet."

"You're interested, and you're here. We have no other applicants. Also, we made certain that only Team Assassin would see the commercial." Reines shook her head. "Really, dear. Do we have to make it any plainer that we only ever wanted you to show up?"

Jack (rightly so) seemed to think that this might qualify as funny business. "What do you want Gray for?"

"We need a Buster. And we know Gray, so we've already accounted for her damage output. She's going to be our heavy."

"What's a heavy?"

"She is going to wreck people, and leave them moaning on the ground in pain."

That, Jack understood. "Okay then! Oh, but I'm meant to warn you."

"Yes?" Reines asked.

Jack's eyes became very large, red, and lamp-like. "If you do anything to hurt Gray, we will kill you." This was said in a startlingly deep voice, sounded nothing like a child, and was very disturbing. Clearly, this was how Jack threatened people when they were meant to be serious about it.

Reines blinked. "We will consider ourselves thoroughly warned. I give you my word that Gray will not be harmed."

Jack's face went back to normal. "Okay! Bye!" With that, they waved to Gray and left.

"They seem terribly fond of you," Reines noted to Gray.

Gray blushed slightly. "Yes, well. Anyway, about this job?"

"Oh, it's very real. You'll be paid, and we do need you to do some damage. But you'll need to meet the Boss first, and... ah."

Bucephalus had wandered over, and was glaring at Gray.

"Best not to make sudden movements," Reines advised.

Gray stared at the horse, and slowly extended her hand, palm up.

Bucephalus snorted, tossed his head, then walked back to the pool.

"He doesn't like me?" Gray asked.

Reines smiled. "Trust me, if he didn't like you, you would know, and there would be much blood. This is how he reacts when he doesn't mind you, which is best."

Just then, Waver appeared, carring a print-out with him. "Gray, perfect timing! We've got a job."

"HA HA!" Alexander shouted, leaping out of the pool. "A new land to conquer!"

"For the client," Waver reminded him. "Anyway, we need to remove an unruly Servant."

"Only one?" Reines asked. "Is it at least a Berserker, or an Extra?"

"No, this says it's a Lancer. And not a top tier one."

"Sounds like a perfect warm-up for Gray's first day."

Waver frowned. "You know, it's our first job, too."

"Never get bogged down by the details, brother dear." Reines thrust her arm into the air. "We ride! To glorious battle!"

"CHARGE!" Alexander screamed, leaping onto Bucephalus, who stormed off.

"They don't know the way," Waver groaned, pulling at his hair, "and it will take AT LEAST twenty minutes to get them both to calm down enough to tell them that!"

Thirty minutes later, the unruly Servant was found.

Sort of.

It was Parvati, and she was calmly standing outside of the Sakuraface Society's door. True, she did not look happy at all, and she refused to leave on her own, but she wasn't cursing or shouting or doing anything that might normally be considered disruptive. And yet, she otherwise matched up with the description and location of the target. Also the client was BB, so this was unlikely to be a mistake.

"Should we actually attack her?" Waver muttered to Reines.

Reines didn't hesitate. "Business is business. We aren't being paid to be cordial."

"A fine lady to be conquered!" Alexander said rather loudly, which earned him a disapproving stare from Parvati.

"I don't feel good about this," Gray murmured.

"I thought you two might be reluctant about this type of work," Reines replied. "I took that into account." She turned to Waver. "Use your Noble Phantasm on the target."

Waver frowned. "I don't think-"

"Or I will kiss you. Repeatedly."

Stone-faced, Waver turned to Parvati and cast his Noble Phantasm. It seemed to annoy her, but little else.

Reines turned to Gray, who wisely took a step back. "Relax, Gray. I only need you to follow up with your Noble Phantasm."

"No," Gray said stubbornly. "It would be wrong."

"Precisely," Reines agreed, and made a swift motion with her hand.

Predictably, Gray jumped to the side, half-expecting an attack from behind. Having predicted that, however, Reines had positioned Trimmau in exactly the right spot to restrain Gray as she landed.

"You're only making this harder on yourself," Reines said as she advanced on Gray with an evil gleam in her eyes.

"It's forbidden!" Gray insisted, struggling uselessly as Trimmau's grip tightened. "I'm not meant to use Rhongomyniad for this!"

"I agree," Reines answered. And then, with a smirk, she reached out, and pinched Gray's butt.

"This is a battle to preserve a maiden's chastity," said an unseen voice.

"Aim her, Trimmau!" Reines snapped, moving aside.

Trimmau turned Gray so that she was facing Parvati, who looked positively scandalized by the entire scene.

Gray, to her credit, seemed to be trying to resist both Trimmau and the overwhelming force building up inside of her own body, but it was useless. Her hands jerkily seized the empty air before her, and were soon filled with a glowing lance of light.

Parvati, unable to move away but perfectly able to tell what would happen next, ducked and covered her head with her hands.

"I-I'm sorry!" Gray wailed, and then she fired. "WRONGOMYNIAD!"

When all the noise had died down, Parvati was gone, although there was a smoking hole in the nearest wall that she easily could have been launched out of.

At that moment, the Sakuraface Society's door opened, and BB stuck her head out. "Took you long enough." She threw two handfuls of Saint Quartz at Waver, ducked back insde, and slammed the door shut in his face.

Waver looked down at the promised payment and sighed. "I don't feel good about this."

Gray sniffled and looked at Reines with a betrayed expression. "So wrong," she murmured.

Reines grinned at them. "Our business is a booming success! You should both be happy!"

Alexander nodded eagerly. "We are CONQUERORS!" he roared, thrusting his sword into air.

Unfortunately, Reines was exactly right. The well thought out combination of either she or Waver's Noble Phantasm, followed by Gray's, was a near unbeatable pattern. Any Servants who could survive it, were usually too weak to put up much of a fight after, which left them easy prey for Alexander and Bucephalus to trample over. And, increasingly, Alexander didn't get to do much. Apparently, Gray's butt repeatedly being goosed convinced whatever higher power that her chastity truly was in peril, and accordingly increased the output of Wrongomyniad in a misguided attempt to save it.

Gray did not actually think Reines would ever go beyond mere pinching, but in a way, that made it even worse. Because her chastity was NOT in actual danger, so abusing the system this way was totally unforgivable. At the same time, however, Gray was forced to admit that she strongly preferred Reines, as opposed to either Waver or Alexander being the one to pinch her. With Waver it would simply be too awkward, and with Alexander, Gray was not convinced that he would be contented with a pinch. Her power made her "worthy to be conquered" in his eyes, although Reines had insisted on a strict, no conquering policy among employees, so Alexander kept his hands to himself. Gray didn't understand why that didn't apply to Reines and her continued molestation of Gray, but Reines claimed she wasn't trying to conquer Gray, and if anything, Gray was conquered before she got hired, which was why she came to them in the first place.

BB helped spread the word of the business, and soon Big Al's Bouncing Service was regularly called in to clear out loud parties or uninvited Servants. And most of them, unlike Parvati, actually did need to be removed and weren't shy about making a violent fuss, so there was far less guilt involved in removing them. As the business became more successful, Alexander... did not calm down, exactly, but became more focused on it. He even began answering the phone, where before only Waver and Reines had done it. Things were going well.

Until.

Clients always used the phone to book appointments. They had to, as Reines had purposely made sure the address was only displayed in the one commercial that had been shown only to Team Assassin. So no one else knew where Big Al's was located, only that they had a phone number. This, however, still meant that Team Assassin knew exactly where they were located. And while Gray was not happy about being forced to use Wrongomyniad, she had never actually complained to Jack, so there was no reason for any Assassin to barge in on them.

So it was very odd when their first in-house clients turned out to be Elizabeth Bathory, Elizabeth Bathory (better known as CinderElly), Carmilla, and Jack the Ripper.

The reason for the appointment was immediately clear, as CinderElly practically shouted as she walked in, "It's our BIRTHDAY PARTY!" She gave a musical squeal and hugged Elizabeth, who gave the distinct impression of having been hugged a lot recently, and no longer being a fan of it.

"Congratulations to you both... ah... all three?" Reines corrected, glancing at Carmilla, who had no reaction and seemed completely disinterested.

"Yes, yes!" CinderElly agreed happily. "And we'll need some added security, so we need to hire some heavies like you!"

"You already have some security in place?"

"Of course! We invited the Mecha Eli-chans, but they would only come if we allowed them to provide security. Giant Mark II even switched out her weapons package for a huge fireworks display! So sweet of her! The concert's going to be a-MAZ-ing!"

Reines blinked and glanced at Waver, and could see that he was thinking the same thing: that trying to provide security for a concert-party, for the Elizabeths, where they had to coordinate with the Mecha Eli-chans, was going to be a logistical nightmare. None of that seemed to have occurred to CinderElly, however.

"Do you have a schedule in mind?" Reines finally asked.

"Yes! Every Elizabeth will do a solo song, then we'll all unite for a group song, and then!" CinderElly gasped and clasped her hands together excitedly.

"I get to do an extra special song!"

"You don't actually mean every Elizabeth, surely?" Waver murmured.

"No, thank goodness," Elizabeth sighed. "Only me, Brave, Hallie, and Cinder. The Mechas refused to sing. As did this one." She shot a glance at Carmilla, who bristled.

"I am not an Elizabeth," Carmilla said firmly.

"Used to be," Elizabeth muttered.

"I do not sing."

"Used to."

"You-!" Carmilla snarled, then froze as Jack looked at her curiously. "I agreed to come to the party, with great reluctance. I will not perform. End of story."

"But I would love to sing with yooo-OOOOU!" CinderElly crooned, extending a hand to Carmilla, who pointedly ignored her.

"So, you'll need us for at least five performances," Reines noted.

"There will be an afterparty," Elizabeth added. "And a pre-party meet and greet for all our loyal fans."

"This... will be a lot," Reines groaned.

"We are Elizabeths! We spare no expense!"

"Actually, I meant it will be a lot for us to plan for. But on that subject, I agree that it will not be cheap, either."

"We're helping with costs," Jack said. "Our Ushi-chan really wants to go to the concert, so Kiara kaa-san made room in the budget for it."

Carmilla coughed loudly. "Kiara also said that we should expect a discount on your services, as we are loaning Gray to you. She stressed that failure to offer such a discount would be, as she put it, exceedingly and repeatedly wrong."

Reines blinked. "I... see. No charge."

Waver gasped. "Reines, what-!"

"Gray is a valued employee, doing this without her would be extremely difficult."

"But still!"

"The clients we get from handling this event will more than make up for any costs, brother dear. It's a concert-party. We are sure to be noticed."

Waver scowled at her. "In an arena full of Servants, with Elizabeths onstage? Are you insane?! No one will be looking at us!"

"If that's all you're worried about, we can bring you onstage before the final number and tell everyone how you helped make the show possible!" CinderElly offered.

Reines beamed at Waver. "There, you see! Work with the clients, and they work with you!"

Waver shook his head. "Mark my words, this won't end well."

The concert-party, located in the apartment complex's parking lot, began well enough. And with the imposing form of Giant Mark II looming over the stage, trouble was unlikely to be started. The only wrinkle was that Waver, of all people, was late.

"I have a good excuse," he told Reines, as she had Trimmau continually prod him in the back of the head with an enlarged finger as punishment. "I went to see BB. I asked her to temporarily turn Alexander into an adult."

Reines paused. "So we could make use of his Noble Phantasm and have a much easier time controlling this concert crowd. That's a great idea."

"Don't get too excited, BB said no. Actually, what she said was that would make things too easy for us, and where would the fun be in that? When I pointed out she was the only one that found that fun, she just grinned at me until I left."

Reines sighed heavily. "Should have known. Well, that only means it will take a little more elbow grease on our part. Nothing we can't handle!"

Ten minutes later, the parking lot was filled with Servants, and Reines was less concerned with elbow grease, and more concerned with how personal space was in short supply when you were surrounded by big sweaty guys.

How Alexander would react around so many Servants had been a concern, but he was actually on his best behavior. More precisely, he was enraptured as he watched each of the Elizabeths perform their individual song. Gray had told Reines and Waver that Alexander was now smitten with the idea of having a "dragon wife" and was determined to "conquer" one of the Elizabeths. To make matters worse, CinderElly had signed a glass slipper for him at the meet and greet, was very much single and looking, and had said he was adorable. She wasn't even a bad match for him, precisely, but the bigger problem was that, of course, Alexander would not stop at one wife, and having one at all would encourage him to get more. So it was far better than he remained "married to the business," as Reines liked to put it.

As promised, CinderElly brought them onstage before her big extra performance, and as they stepped down, Reines felt sure that the offers would pour in.

Then CinderElly began her final song, and everything went to crap.

They had all assumed it would be another solo, but it was not. Instead, CinderElly was joined onstage by four other singers, but they weren't Elizabeths at all. They were Kiyohime, Altaria Lily, Mysterious Idol X Alter, and Melusine. They were all wearing matching white T-shirts with the word (if it could be called that) "DRA-DOLS" printed on the front in red.

Giant Mark II switched out her fireworks package for an exhilarating multicolored spotlight display.

Alexander stared at the stage with his mouth open the entire time.

When the performance ended, CinderElly stepped forward, slightly sweaty but all smiles. "Thank you for coming to our birthday concert, all you loyal Elizabeth fans! I'd like to introduce you to the latest and best idol group, the DRA-DOLS! United by the power of the dragon and our love for singing, we will roar our melodies straight into your starving ears! Look forward to it! Now, take us home, DJ-MIXA!"

However, before DJ-MIXA could play even a single note on her guitar, Alexander burst from the crowd and rode Bucephalus onto the stage. His aim was clear: he rode straight past the other girls and made a beeline for Melusine, who he perceived to be the strongest one. "BECOME MY WOMAN!" he shouted.

Melusine blinked, the total picture of calm, and moved forward. It was impossible to say whether she intended to accept the offer, or to reject it directly with her blades. Also, it didn't really matter, as a giant hand appeared overhead and slammed Alexander and his horse to the ground with extreme prejudice.

"No touching the idols without permission!" Paul Bunyan said as she lifted her hand. "Lily-chan says that's an ironclad rule!" She carefully gathered up the idols in her other hand and carried them to safety.

Waver could not help wondering aloud, "So between the Mecha Eli-chans, Giant Mark II, AND Paul Bunyan... why did they need us?"

Reines shook her head. "Elizabeths never do anything half-way. Well, we'd better go and scrape our Boss off of the stage."

A letter arrived for Alexander the following day. It was short, and to the point.

It read, "No. But you are welcome to keep trying, little man."

Truly, Alexander was Big Al for the rest of the day, as he felt twenty feet tall.

BB looked up from the very detailed research notes. "I'm not sure I understand why you're showing me this. If it works, you will have devised a way to increase the likelihood of summoning variants of Servants we already possess. And I assume you will test this on yourself. That's all fine and good, but again: why are you showing me this?"

Da Vinci pouted at her. "Because we both know you could have done the same in an instant, if you wanted to."

"So the point is to flatter me into doing this for you?" BB guessed.

"No! It's to prove that your talents aren't needed! I'm here, so there's no need for you!"

"I see. So your argument is that they should depend on you, when you can achieve the same results... and the only difference is that your way takes a bit longer, because you don't cheat." BB blinked. "I wasn't aware we were even competing over this. If it needs to be said, I have no desire to take over your role. I much prefer to only apply my skills to projects that I am passionate about. We are not passionate about the same things, clearly. So why is there even any debate? I am not in your way, you are not in mine. And yet, you feel threatened. Why? We were able to collaborate flawlessly the last time."

Da Vinci continued to look stubborn, but said nothing.

BB sighed. "I see. Very well, I give you my word: I will not interfere in your revenge plot against Mash. I hadn't planned to, anyway. And I must admit, I'm curious to see how it will play out. Although, I would make one small suggestion."

Da Vinci glared at her. "I don't need your help-"

"Oh, of course not. But I was only going to say, no crazy cat lady of note, only has two cats. So you might test your research on that, instead of you."

Da Vinci paused to consider that. "Well, now that you mention it..."

"Why didn't you two warn me that you were breeding?!" Mash demanded.

Tama and Maki looked very offended. "First of all, we didn't do this!" Tama snapped. "And second, IF we did, it would be through magic, not breeding!"

"They aren't responsible," Koyanskaya of Light added. "Da Vinci is my client, if you must know. Although I suppose that technically, my contract with her, reverts to you, now. Master."

Mash scowled. "And I suppose you're here to kill me?"

"No, no. Da Vinci wants you to live a long and unhappy life. Which is where I come in. I will keep you safe, Master, so that your misery can be excruciatingly extended."

"Uh huh. Well, so we're clear, if that's what you plan to do, I am not going to walk around calling you 'Koyanskaya of Light,' so you better think up a short nickname, before I do."

"I don't care what you call me, my purpose is to-"

"Miss Sassypants!" Mash shouted abruptly, blushing slightly.

"I... wait, WHAT?!"

"I mean, I never WANTED a cat," Mash said quickly. "But, you know, IF I did, and she was clearly female, tough, and arrogant, like you... I'd called her Miss Sassypants. Sassy for short."

"I think that's a lovely name!" Tama gushed. "Well done, Master!"

"She's not tougher than ME," Maki muttered.

The newly-named Sassy scowled at them all. "For your information, this only increases my determination to see that you live a long and unhappy life."

Mash reached up and began patting Sassy's head, figuring it would be as effective on her as it was on Tama and Maki.

Sassy stared at Mash coldly. "What are you doing?"

Mash slowly removed her hand. "I thought you'd like that."

"You thought wrong. Now I have to wash my hair."

Mash glared at her. "I'm not dirty!"

Sassy smirked. "This would be part of me ensuring the 'unhappy' part of your life."

"Oh." Mash blinked as Sassy walked off, her bushy tail waving happily behind her.

"Maybe you should try stroking her tail instead," Tama whispered. "She's so different from us, she's bound to have a different weak spot."

"Thanks, I'll try that." Noticing Maki still looked grumpy, Mash added, "Sorry I thought you two were... um, having kittens."

Tama giggled. "It's not even that I find Maki unattractive, but it would be a bit incestuous."

"And so what, if she was our kitten, you were going to toss her out?!" Maki demanded.

"What? No!" Mash cried. "I... might ask around to see if anyone wanted a kitten, but I wouldn't toss her out! And I would also see to it that you two weren't going to keep putting me in that position..."

Maki's mouth fell open in shock. "Master! How could you say that?!"

"See, this is why me having Servants as pets is punishment in Da Vinci's eyes! Because these are the types of things I really don't want to have to explain!"

Tama sighed. "Everyone, calm down. Maki, Master isn't rejecting us or our kind. She's only stating that she didn't want three of us. And, I assume, if you have or had a desire to increase our numbers, that is something you should discuss with Master before you take any rash action." Tama's eyes narrowed. "Also, if you had plans to have kittens, and didn't involve me at all, I would be very upset. Even if you don't consider me a potential mate, we are still partners."

Maki huffed. "Don't be stupid, I wouldn't exclude you. Can't get rid of you, anyway. Might as well use you as a free babysitter."

Tama, oddly, seemed pleased, if her wagging tails were any indicator. "I would be honored to help raise your kittens, Maki."

"Kittens that don't exist, and will not exist, without extensive planning involving ALL of us," Mash said firmly. "I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but in case you forgot: I do live here, and you are supposed to be my pets. If you don't like me controlling how you live, you can go back to BB and buy new identities so you can live however you want. I would be happy to help you, if you wanted that. Because I do care about you, and want you to be happy."

"We know that, Master," Maki said. "Just... you sounded really against the idea, is all."

"Because yesterday, we had no idea there would be a third foxie. Da Vinci is going to keep doing this, you realize. So the last thing I need is any of you making her revenge even easier to accomplish by giving me little surprises. If you're really happy living with me, you could show that by helping me remove Da Vinci's influence from my life. Uh, not including you two or Sassy. Assuming she stops actively plotting against me."

Tama nodded. "We will need to review this contract she claims to have. If it truly reverts to you, you should be able to read it. And it's likely on file. But even if Sassy isn't on our side, I have some ideas on how to de-claw her. Oh, calm down, Maki, I didn't mean it THAT way..."

Sassy had barely restored her hair to a state she was tempted to call pristine when she noticed Tama and Maki staring at her from the bathroom doorway. "It's occupied."

Tama laughed softly and entered with Maki. "Yeah, that doesn't fly around here. And it's not because space is limited, although it is. Can you guess why Master chose to accept you without much of a fight, even though you're purposely making her life harder?"

"I would assume you two have weakened her resistance to furry housepets."

"More like we've weakened her resistance to us, specifically. Which now includes you. There's no other reason."

Sassy opened her mouth to disagree, and to insist that she wasn't one of them. But then something truly odd happened. Tama and Maki began to take off their clothes. And while there should have been some desire for Sassy to escape before they were naked... it simply didn't surface in her brain. And she instantly knew why.

"Y-You... changed my Class?" she demanded, glaring at Tama.

"I changed our Class," Tama corrected. "Maki and I are partners. Now we three are partners. So it's best you accept that me time, is a thing of the past. Now, it's we time. Don't worry, we'll be good to you. We can't force your loyalty, not fully, but we can earn it."

"I don't believe your words. What did you change my Class to?"

"I think you can tell." Tama smiled and gently removed Sassy's glasses. "Maki and I originally didn't get along at all. Even now, we still butt heads constantly, but we're a team."

Sassy blinked. "You made yourselves a Duo Servant?"

"Not quite, but that's the general impact of it. Now I've added you to the mix. You can decide whether you'd rather be our sister or kitten, but we'll take care of you either way. And so long as you devote all your weapons mastery to protecting Master, we won't have any problems."

"It... is in my contract to ensure she has a long life," Sassy murmured.

"And I think she's unhappy enough to have three of us, when she never even planned to have one. So there's no real reason to add to her unhappiness at all."

"That's not really what the contract-"

"What's more important? Your contract, or your family?"

"We aren't fam-" Sassy stopped talking, because her mouth didn't want to finish the sentence.

"Are you sure about that?" Tama asked, staring into her eyes.

Sassy glanced at Maki, who had started running a bath, and, now that Sassy thought about it, clearly intended for all three of them to share it. Which Sassy would never have done five minutes ago, but now... it didn't seem like such an odd concept. "I know you're tricking me."

"What would you have had if we hadn't? A lonely life, from my perspective. Some tricks are worth falling for."

"So why the bath?"

Tama grinned. "There's only way we're going to figure out where you like being petted. It'll go faster with both of us looking."

Next Chapter: Making the Apartment Complex Again!
Mash meets Super Bunyan, the new Apartment President. And between the overly aggressive Secret Service mice, and her habit of drafting Servants into her Cabinet, four years of this may be a lot much.

Servant Organization Spotlight!

Big Al's Bouncing Service - Undesirables Removed, Sites Protected, Women Thrilled
Members: Alexander (CEO), Waver (Scheduling), Reines (Strategy), Trimmau (Battering), Gray (Execution), Bucephalus (Transportation)
Notes: Female clients seeking to be conquered should contact the CEO directly...

Servant Club Spotlight!

DRA-DOLS - Dragon-Girl Idols Singing Their Way Into Your Heart!
Members: CinderElly, Melusine, Kiyohime, DJ-MIXA, Altaria Lily
Notes: Available for booking now! Ask about our discounted rates for single knights!

Endnotes:

I really can't understand how I had Melusine for so long without realizing how amazing she is...