THERE IS HOPE:
Authors note: This is not my own works but the works of an amazing author. I wanted to make this story accessible to those who needed it. I hope to one day write about my own recovery story and share that with you guys. God bless y'all I'll be keeping you in my prayers! Please feel free coming to me with prayer requests, or questions. I know it might feel like it sometimes but you are not alone! You're not alone in this fight! Never feel ashamed to get help from others. You are loved! The God of creation could have anything he wants and he sees you and he loves you!
Once there was a young pastor who became a full-time individual, marriage, and family counselor. He, his wife, and three children lived in a nice, suburban neighborhood.
The family had many friends and liked where they lived. In addition to counseling, this pastor was an interim preacher at a local church, taught a course at the local Christian college, and served on the school board.
A popular communicator, he spoke for various groups and was frequently interviewed on radio and television. He also enjoyed volunteering at a hospice. All in all, this pastor was well liked and respected by his community, and many turned to him for support, advice, and encouragement. However, this pastor was also a sex addict.
He had masturbated excessively since college. In graduate school he began visiting X-rated bookstores and massage parlors—a habit that continued into his professional career. Although he was afraid he would be caught and publicly humiliated, he could not stop practicing his sexual addictions.
Needless to say, his marriage, which on the surface appeared loving and stable, was very troubled. He and his wife were so busy with family and careers they had little time for each other. Lacking skills in intimacy and believing his wife didn't really love him, the pastor thought himself justified in finding a woman who would. When several hurting and vulnerable women in his counseling practice looked to him for help, he initiated sex with them. He confused sex with love and believed he really cared for the women, never realizing how much he was hurting them. The pastor was tormented by self-doubt. He didn't like himself very much, and he wondered how these women could be attracted to someone like him. Time and time again he vowed to end the affairs, and time and time again he fell into sin.
Eventually, a colleague found out about one of the affairs, and the pastor was fired from his counseling practice. Hurt and disappointed, the colleague and several others confronted the pastor. One, a doctor and recovering alcoholic, said to the pastor,
"Your behaviors with sex seem like mine with alcohol. You're out of control. Why don't you let us find you some help?" The doctor hugged the pastor, for the doctor knew the pain of uncontrollable behaviors. Though shocked and afraid, the pastor was also tired of his double life—tired enough not to resist the efforts to find him help.
Several days later he entered the sexual addiction unit at Golden Valley Health Center. In the months that followed, this pastor discovered the pain and joy of healing. It was a process filled with upsetting childhood memories, guilt for his behavior, and anguish over the abuse he perpetrated on others. His addiction had cost him a great deal. He would never counsel or preach from a pulpit again. Several of his clients sued him. Some looked at him and his behaviors with hatred and disdain. But the process was also filled with the joy of being honest, of a new life, and of restored relationships with his wife and friends. He began to discover the peace of healing and decided he wouldn't trade it for the world. Saved at the age of sixteen and ordained ten years before he found healing, this pastor always felt unworthy of God's forgiveness. Although he was admired by others, he felt they would hate him if they knew the truth.
Only by embracing honesty and undertaking the transforming journey away from sexual addiction did he truly come to know God, redemption, and restoration. Sex addicts, like the pastor, commit a secret sin. It is so sinful that almost all are too ashamed to talk about it. Yet their sin, a profound violation of God's law, threatens our culture and the very core of the Christian church.
The secret sin of sexual addiction grows from seeds planted in childhood and symptoms may go undetected for years. In adolescence, the indicators of this disease may be confused with normal sexual development. In adulthood, the disease grows progressively worse. Ultimately, if untreated, its victims will die.
The secret sin is an addictive disease that has existed since the beginning of time, yet for centuries it has been misnamed, mistreated, ignored, or completely undiagnosed. Even though it has killed, humiliated, and wounded countless people, some still believe it doesn't exist. Those who suffer from sexual addiction have been laughed at, scorned, and persecuted. Too consumed by shame to ask for help, they have been confined to lives of loneliness and isolation. Only recently have we recognized the secret sin as a disease and offered treatment to its sufferers.
Christians are not exempt from this disease. Experts speculate up to 10 percent of the total Christian population in the United States is sexually addicted. If true, this means that in a congregation of 500 members, 50 are sex addicts. And this percentage may be increasing. In one study, two-thirds of all Christian men admitted to "struggling" with pornography. In another study, 40 percent of pastors surveyed confessed to looking at pornography. Although these findings do not indicate the respondents are fully addicted, it is tragic that the percentages of those interacting with pornography are far higher now than just a few years ago. This is due in large part to the availability of pornography on the Internet.
Christians who struggle pray ceaselessly, read the Bible constantly, and consult countless pastors, but they still can't stop. Discouraged, many leave the church. Sexual sin is not new news to the church. Voices among us have consistently protested this immorality and called for repentance. Yet sexual sin remains a difficult topic to talk about. When "one of us" commits a sexual sin, the rest of us are shocked and embarrassed by the apparent hypocrisy and massive failure of faith. In response, we turn inward to our own shame, fears, and confusion, and try to keep the situation as quiet as possible. It is time to bring the problem of sexual sin into the arena of public discourse within the Christian community. The church can no longer ignore sexual addiction or pretend it exists only "out there," for it plagues both our families and our congregations.
Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction is my attempt to examine and address the issue of sexual addiction among Christians. We will expose these secret sins to the light of the gospel and our best psychological understanding. You may think you don't know a sex addict. Sex addicts, however, do not fit the popular stereotypes. They are otherwise gentle and kind. They care deeply for others. To fellow church members they appear to be ideal Christians. But a secret side of them does evil and harmful things, sexual things, some of them too horrible to fully describe. Their sexual activity is uncontrollable and they can't stop. They are addicted. But there is hope. In his classic book, Out of the Shadows, Dr. Patrick Carnes recognized that "out of control" sexual behavior resembles the behavior of alcoholics and that many people are addicted to sex.
Carnes applied the same kind of treatment to sexual addiction that has been keeping alcoholics sober for fifty years. Because of the work of Carnes and others, thousands of sex addicts have stopped committing sexual sins. They are achieving "sexual sobriety," or what Christians might refer to as "sexual purity." There is hope for the church and the many people in it who suffer secretly or publicly from sexual sin. There is hope for spouses, families, and friends. There is hope for countless thousands of people whose faith has been betrayed by the sexual sin of a pastor or other Christian leader. There is hope for the victims of sex addicts. There is even hope for those who long ago left the church when their sexual sin was met with judgment rather than help. The story of the Samaritan woman in John 4 gives me hope. Married five times and currently living with a man who is not her husband, she is amazed when Jesus offers her—a sexual sinner—the living water of salvation. After Jesus heals her, he does not go into her village to preach to the respectable people—the adulterous woman does. Jesus entrusts the message of salvation to a redeemed sexual sinner. Talk about hope! Finally, I know there is hope because I am recovering from sexual addiction. I no longer say I am a sex addict. Many characteristics describe me: committed Christian, husband, father, counselor, teacher, and writer. I am also the young pastor described at the beginning of this introduction. My sexual sins damaged many people, betrayed the trust of others, and brought painful consequences to me. Like the Samaritan woman, I too have stood at the well in the heat of the day, full of shame, lonely, afraid, and too proud to ask for help. God found me there. Through the help of many others, I am learning the peace of being in recovery. It is because of my own pain and desperation that I reach out to help others in theirs. I pray this book will show the way to the living water only God can offer.
TODAY THERE IS AN EVEN GREATER NEED FOR HOPE It has been over a dozen years since I wrote the first edition of this book, The Secret Sin. Since it was first published, some things have changed and some have not. The realities Pat Carnes describes in his foreword are as true today as they were in 1992, perhaps more so. There is an escalating crisis in the church and in our culture. Some forms of sexual acting out are epidemic. Rarely does a week go by that I don't get a call about a "fallen" pastor or missionary. Today we are routinely exposed to sexual behaviors most would have considered aberrant just a decade ago. The availability of pornography through mainstream media has increased dramatically. Even "prime-time" television programs, once considered safe for family viewing, now regularly include sexually explicit content. We are waging a war on sexual addiction and sexual immorality—and we are losing. One of the greatest problems we face today is the availability of sexually explicit material on the Internet. When this book was first published, the Internet was not yet widely used.
Just a small percentage of the population even knew it existed. Today over 80 percent of us have surfed the Net at some time and the vast majority of us use it regularly. Pornographers, prostitutes, and sexual predators use it too, often in disturbingly creative ways. For example, just as the Internet was gaining popularity, pornographers purchased website domain names for many common terms and brand names—especially those likely to be used by children or adolescents, such as Cinderella and Coke. They used these names to create pornographic websites. As a result, whenever the word "Cinderella" was entered into an Internet search engine, pornographic material in the form of "pop-up" images appeared on the screen. This book now includes material that speaks to some of the unique problems posed by the Internet. In addition to addressing recent Internet issues, this revision also includes the latest information about sexual addiction, as well as developments in my own thinking and learning. For example, I use the word recovery less, and the words healing and transformation more. We don't go backward and recover; rather, we go forward to heal and be transformed. I have also come to believe it is not helpful to describe families as healthy or unhealthy. Rather, it is better to see that all of us come from families who made mistakes. The important thing is to learn how we were wounded by those mistakes and how we can be healed. Chapter 8 (formerly chapter 9), "The Journey of Healing," has been completely rewritten to include greater reliance on spiritual growth and biblical principles.
The previous chapter included an extensive explanation of the Twelve Steps as a tool for healing. I continue to believe the Twelve Steps contain a great deal of spiritual wisdom and still encourage people to practice them and to attend meetings. However, I have come to believe the Twelve Steps do not emphasize enough the radical spiritual transformation that can only be achieved through a more intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. The new chapter still contains the wisdom of the Twelve Steps but teaches these principles within the larger context of biblical principles. This book was written by a male sex addict and is obviously influenced by a male perspective. Some might think only men can be sexually addicted. However, this is not the case. Even the first edition of this book contained examples of female sex addicts.
There is a dramatic rise in our awareness of the prevalence of female sexual addiction. For decades, our culture has encouraged women to be more aggressive and assertive. Some of this has been good. Women today have equal opportunities with men in many areas. However, just as men can use their power in unhealthy ways, so can women, and increasing numbers have become sexually addicted. This revision is sensitive to the unique needs and issues of female sex addicts. Though more and more resources are being developed for women, it can be difficult for women to access that help because of the greater stigma attached to being a female sex addict. While a man who acts out sexually might be considered an "All-American Male," a woman is considered a "whore" or "slut" for the same behavior. It can also be problematic for women to participate in sexual addiction support groups attended mostly by men.
However, because I believe male and female sex addicts have much more in common than they have differences, I have not included a special section on female addiction.1 Perhaps the most noticeable change is the addition of a new part four: "Healing the Wounds of the Church." This part is comprised of two chapters: "Sexually Addicted Pastors and Priests" (formerly chapter 5) and "Healing for Congregations." In recent years I have worked with an ever-growing number of churches whose pastors have "fallen." It seemed like a good time to address this problem by creating a section devoted to the unique needs of pastors and congregations. God is good and gracious. I continue to heal and grow. I have been sober for seventeen years. Today, my wife, Debbie, and I work more and more as a team in ministering to others. Our marriage continues to transform into the one-flesh union God calls us to. Most of all, we believe with always increasing faith that true healing is possible. Our ongoing prayer is that this book will be a start for you on your own journey of healing.
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Rescue Lauren Daigle: Verse 1]You are not hiddenThere's never been a moment You were forgotten You are not hopeless Though you have been broken Your innocence stolen [Pre-Chorus 1]I hear you whisper underneath your breath I hear your SOS, your SOS [Chorus 1]I will send out an army To find you in the middle of the darkest night, it's true I will rescue you [Verse 2] There is no distance That cannot be covered Over and over You're not defenseless I'll be your shelter I'll be your armor [Pre-Chorus 1] I hear you whisper underneath your breath I hear your SOS, your SOS [Chorus 2] I will send out an army To find you in the middle of the darkest night, it's true I will rescue you I will never stop marching To reach you in the middle of the hardest fight, it's true I will rescue you [Bridge] I hear the whisper underneath your breath I hear you whisper, you have nothing left [Chorus 2] I will send out an army To find you in the middle of the darkest night, it's true I will rescue you I will never stop marching To reach you in the middle of the hardest fight, it's true I will rescue you [Outro] Oh, I will rescue you
CHAPTER 1: SEXUAL ADDICTION AND SIN
I recently talked with a pastor about the shame of being a sexually addicted Christian. By every indication this pastor is successful. He has developed a large church "full of many gifts of the Spirit." Well liked by his people, he preaches wonderful sermons. He is married, has children, and appears to be a normal family man. Yet this pastor leads a double life. Many days he is drawn to a local park, where he meets men whose names he does not know and engages in sex with them. Most of these encounters last less than thirty minutes, and no words are spoken. He then returns to his office feeling emptier than before. Looking for intimacy, he finds instead only frustration and fear. When will someone from his church find out? This pastor knows he is committing the sin of sodomy. He prays, fasts, reads Scripture, and yet he cannot stop.
He is alone. Who can he tell? Disclosing this behavior would cost his job, family, career, and reputation. SEXUAL ADDICTION AS A SIN Sexual addiction is a sickness involving any type of uncontrollable sexual activity. Because the addict can't control his or her sexual behavior, negative consequences eventually result. Whenever I speak to Christians about sexual addiction, someone always asks, "When you call these sexual behaviors an addiction or a disease, aren't you forgetting that they are sinful? People should repent, change their ways, and get right with God." I always agree with these statements. The sexual behaviors that become addictive are sinful. People should repent, change their ways, and get right with God.
Repentance, behavior change, and a deeper relationship with God are all goals of the healing journey for a sex addict. I usually respond to this question with another question: How long do you expect repentance and change to take? Sin and addiction have some common characteristics. Like an addiction, sin is uncontrollable and unmanageable. In fact, God had to sacrifice his only Son because we could not manage our own lives. Sexual addiction is about trying to control behaviors—and failing. Just like alcoholics, sex addicts tell themselves they can quit tomorrow if they want to. They like to think they are in control, but they are not. Indeed, their inability to give up the illusion of control is precisely what prevents sex addicts from healing. It is the same with any sin. Our attempts to control our lives prevent us from trusting God to care for us. Addiction provides an escape from feelings. Despite experiences of God's love and power, people of faith sometimes have fearful, distrustful natures that drive them to seek an escape from feelings. Consider the prophet Elijah. After he defeated the priests of Baal on Mount Carmel, he was afraid for his life. Rather than face his fears, he ran away and hid in a cave.
Jonah ran from his fears of God's preaching assignment and ended up in the belly of a whale. The disciples fled in fear from those who came to arrest Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Just like an addiction, this drive to escape painful emotions is unmanageable. It is our inherited sin nature. Addictions provide a way of escape; a false solution; a means to control loneliness, anger, anxiety, and fear. Addictions, being unmanageable, also lead to destructive consequences. Addictions destroy lives, break up families, ruin careers. Sin too has its consequences. Romans 6:23 tells us the wages of sin is death. Most sex addicts experience devastating shame and believe they are totally worthless. In the Garden of Eden, before Adam and Eve sinned they were naked and unashamed. After sinning, however, they felt shame. Because we are sons and daughters of Adam and Eve, we also feel shame when we sin. Therefore, a clearer understanding of addiction provides a deeper understanding of sin.
Sin is more than just a list of immoral behaviors. Sin is the lack of a relationship with God and the destructive behaviors committed as a result. Sin is unmanageable and causes people to distrust God, to control their own lives, and to commit behaviors destructive to themselves and others. Sin causes shame and leads to death. Unmanageability, escape, shame, and—for some—addiction, are interwoven into the very fabric of sin. SEXUAL ADDICTION AS A DISEASE Sexual addiction is also a disease—a situation in which something normally healthy becomes unhealthy. Both sexual addiction and disease have observable symptoms and a natural progression that, if left untreated, get worse and eventually lead to death. Defining sexual addiction as a disease is also consistent with a definition of sin. Sinfulness has a cause. We inherit original sin when we are born. And sin has symptoms. We don't trust God. We make unhealthy choices. We try to control our own lives. Like disease, sinfulness is a degenerative process. The Bible continually warns us that we can sink deeper and deeper into sin. Sinfulness can eventually kill us. The concepts of addiction and disease clarify and deepen our understanding of the consequences of sin.
In accepting that sexual addiction is a disease and a sin, we must also accept that the devil, the personification of evil, is at work in sexual addiction. He uses many devices to create sexual addiction, including unhealthy family dynamics, abuse, and feelings of shame. The devil convinces us we are evil and irredeemable. He sows hopelessness by convincing us we won't get well. There is no question in my mind that we are engaged in spiritual warfare when we attempt to heal sexual addiction. "MORAL" SEXUAL SIN Sexual addiction is a disease and it involves sinful behavior. It is not my purpose to provide a theological definition of what is sexually sinful. Most immoral behaviors, such as infidelity or child abuse, are plainly sinful. However, there are sex addicts and sexual activities that, on the surface, appear moral. Consider the example of the sex addict who never engages in sexual activity with anyone except his wife, yet uses sex with his spouse as an escape from intimacy, not as an expression of it. In this case, the sex addict treats his spouse simply as a body and not as a spirit. Here, sex, although it is with a spouse, is really no different than masturbating. In these situations, the same characteristics of addiction apply. Over time, the addict wants more and more and becomes bored and unfulfilled in the marital sexual relationship. On the surface, he is faithful. But God, looking at his heart, discerns his motives. These sex addicts don't know how to be emotionally or spiritually intimate with a spouse and believe they will find intimacy in sexual contact. Using sex to mask their loneliness, they are unwittingly driven deeper into loneliness, never revealing their feelings.
They might even say to themselves, "As long as I remain faithful to my spouse and as long as sex is good, I don't have a problem and our relationship is good." In fact, the relationship is not good, and the sexual activity becomes an addictive way to avoid the pain of the poor relationship. Whether their sexual behavior is inside or outside of marriage, sex addicts are lonely and isolated. They use sex for all the wrong reasons. The question is not whether or not their sexual activity is considered moral. The question is whether or not sex is an expression of intimacy or an escape from it. One definition of sin suggests it is any activity that separates us from God and from others. By this definition, purely physical sexual activity in a marriage devoid of intimacy is perhaps addictive and could be considered sinful. Sex addicts may have family and friends. They may be active leaders. However, no one really knows them. They haven't told anyone who they are, what they feel, and what they've done.
Christian sex addicts think if they were really known by those around them, they would be hated, shunned, laughed at, or punished. A key question of this book, and one every believer needs to consider, is: Will Christians help to heal, or will they help to increase, this shame, loneliness, fear, and woundedness? Unfortunately, in too many cases we have "shot the wounded," rather than healed them. SEXUAL ADDICTION VS. NORMAL SEXUALITY I am frequently asked about the differences between sexual addiction and normal sexuality. This question is especially acute for adolescents, teens, and single adults. The distinction between sexual addiction and normal sexuality is not about experiencing sexual feelings, but how we express them. God created sexuality. He told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply. By God's design, everyone has sexual attractions and longings. It's what we do with those attractions and longings that makes the difference. Below is a simple chart that provides a brief overview of the differences between sex addicts and non-sex addicts. As you read the following chapters that explain sexual addiction and where it comes from, I encourage you to wrestle with this question: What is the purpose of sexuality? The answer will provide greater understanding of the differences between sexual addiction and normal sexuality.