CHAPTER 3 PT 1: TYPES OF SEXUAL ADDICTION
Not every sex addict experiences the same form of sexual addiction. In the last chapter, for example, Fred was addicted to fantasy and pornography, and the pastor's wife was addicted to masturbation. While these are considered building-block behaviors, other behaviors common to many sex addicts do not begin as early but develop over time. Such behaviors may range from the seemingly normal sexual encounter with another consenting adult, to illegal and abusive behavior, such as rape or incest. The behaviors described here, particularly sexually abusive behaviors, reflect deeper levels of emotional pathology.
SEX WITH A CONSENTING PARTNER Ruth has had sex with at least five hundred men. At any one time she has ongoing relationships with eight men, and on a given day she may have sex with three or four of them. At night she frequents bars to recruit new partners. Looking for the love she never found in her father, she escapes her depression through frequent sexual encounters.
Ruth is a sex addict who engages in frequent sex with many consenting partners. Other sex addicts may have only one affair every few years. Still other addicts have sex with only one partner and sex happens infrequently. This kind of sexual activity occurs between both heterosexuals and homosexuals. Some Christians mistakenly equate sexual addiction with homosexuality. They think acting out in homosexual ways is equivalent to addiction. However, this is not the case. There are many homosexuals who are not addicted to sexual activity. Some live celibate or monogamous lives with a committed partner. The source of the confusion could be that many contributing factors leading to sexual addiction may also be factors that lead to homosexuality. There is very little research on this, but I offer two observations based on my experience. First, since addiction and homosexuality may share some causative factors, there could be a higher percentage of homosexuals who are sexually addicted. Second, homosexual men are more likely to be addicted then homosexual women.
Sexual addiction with a consenting partner can be placed along a continuum. At one end are those who have only one partner and engage in sex infrequently. At the other end are those who have many partners and engage in sex frequently. Between are varying numbers of partners and frequencies. The definition of sexual addiction does not depend on the number of partners but on why addicts practice the sexual behavior and whether they can stop the behavior. Therefore, even if a person has had only one affair, it could have been addictive if sex was used to escape feelings, was not an expression of intimacy between two people, and led to destructive consequences.
For some sex addicts the consenting partner is the spouse. Some married couples avoid talking to each other by engaging in multiple, daily sexual acts. A husband may ask his wife to perform sexual activities she doesn't like and is even repulsed by. Spousal consent to these activities may be a sign of sexual co-addiction.
CYBER-SEX The growth of sexual relationships between consenting adults on the internet is often referred to as cyber-sex.
Betty, a pastor's wife, told me that when she first started participating in internet chat rooms, she became so engrossed in her online relationships she lost all track of time. She didn't know what month it was and could not recall what she had done with her family, at work, or at church. She experienced a virtual blackout. She was so intoxicated with fantasy, lust, and excitement that her mind went numb. Within the second month of online usage, she progressed from chat, to sexual chat, to phone sex, to actually meeting three men for sex.
George, a mild-mannered farmer, loved to play online games. He often asked for a female partner. Sometimes that led to casual chatting after the game, but other times it led to sexual talk and, in one instance, meeting a woman in person for sex.
Mary a businesswoman, traveled to many cities for her job. Before she left on every trip she arranged to meet with men she found through online "connecting" services. When I met her, she was active in ongoing affairs with three men in three different cities.
These three true stories illustrate the prevalence of online sexual connecting. In each case, the people involved were otherwise socially inhibited. They would not have been comfortable meeting people in public. They would have been even less comfortable making sexual connections face-to-face. However, the relative ease of connecting anonymously through a computer ultimately gave them the courage to connect in person.
For some, online sexual connecting may never go beyond sex chatting, but for others it can progress to actual sexual experience. There has been an explosive increase in the number of services that connect people for sexual activity. One service advertises itself as an "adult friend finder." This is especially appealing because every addict struggles with loneliness. We all have deep desires to be in community, to belong, and to be included. The internet gives shy and otherwise timid people a way to make relational connections. This doorway originally appeals to loneliness and legitimate desires for connection, but can easily progress to sexual activity and eventually to addiction.
PROSTITUTION The use of prostitution is very common for many sex addicts. Because prostitution clients pay for sex as if it were a business transaction, they do not need to get involved with their partners like they might have to if they began an affair. Some addicts even justify prostitution by saying, "No one gets hurt."
Today we have massage parlors, escort services, and "modeling" agencies to go along with the traditional hookers on the street. For the right price, prostitutes will even come to a client's home. Adult bookstores and bars feature various forms of nude dancing, and often the dancers or models engage in prostitution.
One popular form of prostitution is actually legal and takes place over the telephone. Late-night television is peppered with commercials for numbers that enable callers to "discuss" various sexual activities. The ads appeal to both erotic and emotional needs by featuring attractive woman who talk about loneliness, friendship, connection, and intimacy. Sex addicts spend small fortunes on prostitution, just like alcoholics who drink away their paychecks. At our hospital, we treat sex addicts who have spent thousands of dollars on these phone services.
Prostitution is increasingly available on the internet via chat rooms, downloadable images and video, and other forms of "virtual reality." Many prostitutes who used to need a pimp, escort service, or massage parlor to find clients can now do so on their own using the internet. Anyone can create a website and market illicit services online. The same Triple-A Engine that makes internet pornography so powerful-and accessible, affordable, anonymous-also make online prostitution powerful.
Prostitution appeals to the fantasizing nature of the sex addict. In the moviePretty Woman,for example, when the businessman portrayed by Richard Gere asks the prostitute played by Julia Roberts what her name is, she replies, "What would you like it to be?" She knows many of her customers have elaborate fantasies about whom or what they want her to be. Prostitution reinforces the fantasizing mindset of the sex addict.
Sex addicts may experience more kindness and nurturing from a prostitute than anyone else. One sex addict loves to be treated like a baby by prostitutes. He gets powdered, diapered, and cooed over as if he were an infant. With sex addict and prostitution, we are not just dealing with perverted adults looking to satisfy their lust. We are dealing with babies and young children in adult bodies who are looking for love in all the wrong places.
EXHIBITIONISM AND VOYEURISM Exhibitionism and voyeurism are less common than other forms of sexual addiction, but still destructive. Both behaviors can be illegal and those who are caught may be arrested. The stereotypes of exhibitionism and voyeurism are the "flasher" in a raincoat or the "Peeping Tom" lurking outside a window. However, these addictions are complicated and express themselves in many ways.
Mary, for example, owned a transparent green blouse that left little to the imagination. She wore it to various bars, not so much to recruit new partners as to watch the reactions of men who saw her. Arousing them gave her a sense of control she never had when her father and brothers sexually molested her.
Jay loved to go into clothing stores with dressing rooms in the middle of the store. He took clothes he never intended to buy and left the door slightly open waiting for woman to come by. He felt a rush of excitement when he saw the looks on their faces. Jay was addicted to his fantasies of those looks and what they might mean. He was also addicted to the adrenaline rush. Tom, another sex addict, also liked to frequent clothing stores. He loitered in sections that sold woman's underwear pretending to buy something for his wife. Tom stationed himself near the changing rooms hoping to get a glimpse of someone changing.
These are but a few of the endless and creative ways sex addicts might exhibit themselves. Browsing in lingerie departments, positioning oneself to get a look when someone bends over, or simply undressing someone with the eyes are forms of voyeurism.
In addition to physical exposure and voyeurism, a person can perform these activities emotionally. Some addicts tell sexual jokes to get a sexual high. Other addicts are turned on by hearing intimate details of sexual activity. Such addicts may in turn talk about their own sex lives, thereby exhibiting themselves emotionally. This form of sexual addiction is often found in counseling and clergy professions, where it is easy to gain access to the intimate details of people's lives. Not only is this a violation of professional ethics, it can be extremely uncomfortable for the counselee.