Starting at her reflection she tells herself that she can't let herself break today. Not today. Not ever. She has to keep it together she has a kid relying on her and she doesn't want to fail her like her mother did. It's getting too hard now. To pretend that it doesn't still hurt and that the nightmares aren't stealing her sleep.
AJ knows something's off. She's not stupid but Jac was almost coping until that woman turned up. Not just at the hospital no, she followed her home. She's persistent and it's makes her feel like she's being violated over and over again.
How dare she look for her after what her husband did to her. The audacity to come to her sanctuary telling her she's sorry for what happened all those years ago, that her daughter deserves to meet her half-brothers. As if Jac would ever welcome her with open arms.
She let her husband abuse her for months, turned a blind eye and now she's come begging for forgiveness, fifteen years too late. Where was her apology the first time he raped her? She heard her screaming, she heard her crying she must have. The woman said if things were been different she would have adopted her.
Jac laughed. How dare she talk about what ifs? Steal her peace and come here talking about how difficult discovering her childhood sweetheart is into little girls was. She knew. Every time that man would sneak in her room at night she must've known why he wasn't lying beside her. All those nights she'd pray for her period to come so he wouldn't touch her and when she finally got it she felt relieved that at least now she was safe, even if it was for a few days. Little did I know she thinks. Little did she know that before the year ended she'd be pregnant.
It's not fair and she wished she'd told her that but she was at work and she's not getting into it there. She wishes she'd told her how much she hates her when she knocked on her door but her daughter was asking who she is. She doesn't want AJ to meet her half-brothers and apparently it makes her selfish. Her half-brothers who are older than her own mother. The nineteen year olds who taught her mother how to ride a skateboard. The half-brothers who apparently cut off their Dad as if that absolves Julia of her guilt.
"It's not Freddie and Finley I hate. It's you." Jac admits, as she stares the rueful woman , who still can't meet her gaze.
"You hate me..."The woman replies sadly. Now creeping into her mid-fifties, there are wrinkles framing her ice-blue eyes and her jet black hair is littered with slivers of grey.
"You knew what was going on and didn't you dare say you didn't. You could have stopped him."
"How? How could I have stopped him? I wasn't always there. I used to visit my mother in the care home."
"I don't know, maybe when you realised your husband was sneaking into my room to rape me, you could've called the police." She spits, glaring at Julia in disbelief. There were so many options, so many chances she had to intervene to save her. She just let them fly past her and Jac still can't forgive her for it.
"I...I'm sorry. You're right. I should've done something the minute I realised what he was doing." She admits, fiddling with her coffee cup. "I just didn't want to believe it was happening. I never thought he'd get you pregnant."
They sit in silence as Jac tries to keep her simmering rage at bay. She'd suffered so much at this hands and all she had to say was sorry. Deep down she knows that Julia is trying to right her wrongs albeit fifteen years too late, but the resentment is strong as ever. She might no longer be married to him but it doesn't absolve her of her guilt. Divorcing her husband after he's convicted doesn't change the fact he's the cause of so much of her suffering. It doesn't give her the closure she desperately needs to heal.
She needs closure because whilst at work she's as invincible, but behind closed doors she's falling apart. Her nightmares are getting worse and she knows she's scaring AJ. Her daughter who she found asleep in her doorway, presumably sitting there in case she woke up screaming again. The girl who is practically begging her to seek help and still isn't coping well with the identity of her father. It's makes her sick to think how much of an impact he has all these years later. She feels like she's never going to escape him and what he did. Not until she dies.
It's the evening now and Jac's reeling over the days events. Julia dragged the past back up and is tearing curtain between her work life and home. The trauma of her childhood has finally caught up to her. She no longer feels safe in her own home. No longer is this her sanctuary and it makes her feel too close to the scared child she once was.
Julia followed AJ into the building and to their front door. Apparently she'd been driving around Holby when she saw her walking home, and immediately knew she must be her daughter. She didn't think that following a child home was a bad idea so now Jac's panicking because how can she trust that she's not in contact with that man.
It's not like Julia's ever been trustworthy. She was too much of a coward to do the needful in the first place. Then she had the audacity to downplay her failures in court, and now she's actually crossed the line. Now Jac was worried for the safety of her children. It would almost be funny if it wasn't such terrible timing.
Pregnant. Again. This time by someone she actually loves and with the means to care for the baby. She doesn't need to take the test to know. The tiredness and aches tell her enough, but she's had enough surprises to last her a life time, so the words on the stick are a welcome confirmation.
It wasn't even her intention to acknowledge her pregnancy this early on. She would have been happy to pretend that she wasn't carrying his child but life had other plans. She'd finally gone back to the clinic to get back on the pill since she no longer had to worry about post-operative blood clots, and the mandatory pregnancy test had come back positive so here she is.
She's having another child. Joseph's baby and it's all so convoluted. They don't even know where they stand outside of the stolen kisses and sneaking away when they can. Being the home-wrecker again was never her intention but that's exactly what she's become.
"Can I come in?" A voice whispers, followed by a flash of red hair appearing in the doorway before Jac can reply. "I'm worried about you Mum. You're scaring me."
"Why? Come here, you look so tired baby." Jac replies, shuffling across her bed to make room for the teenager.
"Why? Maybe because you wake up screaming half the time. You're literally depressed and I know you're cutting yourself. I can't deal with this Mum. You need to get help." Artemis admits, wiping away tears.
"I am so sorry baby. I never meant for you to see that."
Jac feels ashamed and filed with guilt. She'd been fighting so hard to keep her mental decline a secret because all she's ever wanted was for her daughter to be happy. Now she's stroking her hair and failing to convince her that her mother isn't falling apart, that she's still reliable and won't be plagued by nightmares.
"I'm scared because you're suffering and I don't know what to do. I'm scared because I can't deal with the truth about why I don't have a Dad and you've always been there for me, but it's so painful that you can't even talk through it anymore. I'm scared because you always keep it together except now you can't. And most of all Mum, I'm scared I'm going to find you dead someday."
"Artemis, I'm not going to kill myself." Jac whispers, feeling heartbroken as she realises how deeply her gradual breakdown has affected her daughter.
"How am I supposed to believe that Mum? How? You're not yourself anymore."
"I don't know what to say to make you believe me, but I'm not considering suicide. AJ please..." Jac says, capturing the girl into a tight hug. Guilt is chipping away at her. She'd been so determined to pretend everything was okay that she didn't want to believe that her baby might see through her.
Truthfully Artemis wishes she could believe her mother. She wants to have hope and believe that she's not suicidal, but when you watch your mother become a woman who trembles in fear at the mention of your father hope dissipates quickly. Her mother who she thought could take on the world can't even go two nights without a nightmare. She's so far gone from the mother she knows that she's certain she could do anything, even taking her life.
"You don't have to worry about me. I'm going to get help, I mean it. I've been in therapy before when you were a baby and I can go back. It's all going to be okay, I promise."
"You don't know that. Therapy is good but what if it doesn't work. I mean you're making yourself sick now too." She questions in a tired whisper.
"I'm not making myself sick baby."
"You are. I hear you throwing up."
"Artemis listen to me. I don't have an eating disorder, okay? I'm throwing up because I'm pregnant."
At her admission AJ sits up, turning to look at her mother with such wide-eyes that in better circumstances she would've laughed.
"How the fuck did you get pregnant? You literally have no social life and hang out with me when you're not working. I don't believe you Mum. You're only saying this to get me off your back." Artemis rebuffs, skeptical as ever.
"Look, here's the ultrasound. I'm not lying about this AJ. I am actually pregnant."
"Oh. Wow. Okay then. You're pregnant and depressed great combination. Who's the Dad anyway? Joseph?"
"Yes actually, you might've been right about him."
"Well congratulations I guess. You'll be back together in no time now that you're the mother of his child."
If this news had come a few months earlier she'd be elated but now it was bittersweet. She'd been begging for a sibling for as long as she could remember, always met by countless reasons why it wasn't going to happen. When Joseph got with her mother she dreamed of the happy family they could have, a father figure and younger siblings. Finally having the family unit she lacked. Now as she looked at ultrasound scan in her hands she felt overcome by sadness.
Logically, she knows that it's not her fault her mother lost so much of her childhood to that man and gave up the rest to raise her. She knows her mother loves her and that she would probably do it again for her but she feels like she's ruined her chances at happiness. Fourteen years old and raising a baby who was conceived out of absue. She wonders whether her mother's dream of going to Oxford could have been realised if she wasn't thinking of where she could attend, baby in tow.
She questions whether she is bringing back memories of her mother's rapist. Wonders if despite her mother's love for her, she remains a constant reminder stopping her from ignoring the memories. It occurs to her how impossible it seems that her mother will be able to find peace and it makes her cry. In her mind, as long as she exists her mother will always have to suffer. She'll never be able to get the peace she so desperately needs.
But then she thinks of how her mother might have a second chance with Joseph. Her mind wanders to hopes that she might see her mother happy and in a loving relationship because now that she knows the truth, all she wants is for her Mum to feel loved. She loves her mother. Does her mother know it though? She thinks of all the times she'd snapped at her for not telling her about her father. The were days where she'd told her mother she was selfish for not letting her meet her father, and now she wishes she could take it all back.
Knowing the truth hurts. She has two half brothers, older than her mother herself. Her father's ex-wife told her as much. She followed her home and managed to locate her mother at work so now they might move. Angry doesn't even begin to describe how she feels. She hates moving and would move back to Stepney if she could, but at least leaving London came with a new job for her Mum. Moving out of this flat because of the ghosts of the past just makes her feel worse. Makes her feel like it'd all be better if she disappeared.
All she wants to do is be a kid again. She'd do anything to be carefree, and not have to worry that her Dad will turn up and terrorise them. Instead, she's curling up into her mother's arms as they both try and come to terms with it. They can't talk about it but it is hanging over them. Perhaps it always will she's not sure, so she curls up to her mother and listens to her stories of when she was a baby, hoping that tomorrow will be a brighter day.