Chapter 9 - Awkward Conversations

Sirius had to admit it was quite gratifying being the one offering the advice and support for a change.

He'd never been much good at dealing with the emotional lives of his friends, and hadn't understood the incessant need Remus always seemed to have to 'talk'.

"Talk about what?" He'd asked him on countless occasions as Remus had told him he should 'talk more' about his family. "I hate them, they hate me. What else is there to talk about?"

Of course he knew he was a bit of an idiot at times. He knew he probably shouldn't treat the women in his life the way he did, but they were all adults weren't they? He didn't promise them anything. Why couldn't they all just live in the moment? Voldemort could blow the whole country up tomorrow! Life was too short to think about the future.

But he had to admit it was easier being on this side of it.

Remus had come home from his latest mission with the werewolves ashen faced and shaky. He had said barely anything and vanished into his bedroom saying he 'wasn't hungry' when Sirius had asked what he wanted for dinner.

"Moony, don't go all taciturn on me." Sirius said, leaning against his friend's bedroom door and wondering what to say to get him out of his shell. "You know you're the only person I can bear talking to in this house so it's really very inconsiderate of you not to say anything."

"Oh sod off, Sirius."

Sirius tried to open the door but it was locked. "Damn it, Moony. What's the matter?!"

He pulled out his wand. "Alohamora!" He said, entering the room.

Remus was sitting by the window. He looked about a hundred years old.

"What is it?!" Sirius said, moving over and pulling up a chair to join him. Something was clearly very wrong. "Did something happen with the werewolves when you were away?"

Remus turned a tortured face to him. "How much did I ever tell you about how I was bitten?"

"Er… you were a kid, weren't you?"

Remus hadn't told them much (as far as he could remember). He hadn't known who the werewolf was and of course it hadn't been his fault. Remus', not the werewolf's. Sirius would never forgive the wolf for not securing himself at the full moon. Look how much pain and suffering he'd brought about in the life of his best friend?

"Yes, but did I tell you why?"

Sirius shook his head and waited.

"Well, it was my dad. Or at least that's what he says. He insulted a wizard who'd been brought in for questioning about the death of some muggles. The wizard was…Fenrir Greyback."

Sirius frowned. Greyback… he'd heard of him. Wasn't he the werewolf who was in charge of the pack Dumbledore and Moody had asked Remus to get closer to?

And then the dots connected. He swore loudly and stared at Remus. "It was that hairy bastard who bit you when you were a kid! And now you're being asked to spend weeks at a time in his cretinous company!"

He got to his feet. He knew exactly how Remus felt. "You can't do it." He said, beginning to pace the room. "It's too much. You'll just have to tell Dumbledore -"

But Remus cut him off. "No, Sirius." Sirius looked at him. He was looking resolute. "I have to. I promised I would. And you'd be the same. You… were the same."

Sirius thought he knew what Remus was referring to. The pair of them had met a couple of aurors while kids at Hogwarts who Sirius had promised to spy on his parents' suspected death eater friends for. He'd of course had to go home for the holidays more than he otherwise would have done, but he had considered the suffering at the hands of his parents worth it for the knowledge gained.

He nodded. "OK, I get it. But bloody hell Moony. That bastard's the reason you're… Moony."

"Well then he's the reason you're Padfoot too." Remus said with a wry smile.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Don't go giving him more credit than it's due. I'd have become an animagus anyway."

"Surely not illegally in your fifth year."

"Fine, illegally in my seventh then."

They both looked at one another and then simultaneously burst out laughing.

It was good to see Remus look more like his old self again, though Sirius also knew he couldn't quite be out of the woods with this yet.

"Er, Moony." He said awkwardly. "I know I'm not very good at…" how could he phrase this? "Feelings and stuff." He swallowed hard. "But if you ever er… need to…" oh bloody hell, must he really say it?

But he didn't need to. Remus understood. He got to his feet, moved over and hugged him. Sirius was a bit taken aback by the gesture. He'd never really been one for physical affection. It had always made him a bit uncomfortable when James had hugged him so often in their youth.

"Er, are you OK, Moony?" He said, patting his friend awkwardly on the back.

Remus pulled away and Sirius was even more surprised to see tears in his brown eyes. "I bloody love you, Padfoot." He said.

And to that, he had no idea what to say.

"I've been wanting to say this for a while now." Yasmin said, reaching forwards and taking his hands in her smooth dark ones across the table.

They'd gone for dinner in a fancy restaurant he'd exchanged some galleons for the hundred or so 'pounds' he needed to pay for it with. It hadn't been much in comparison to what he had in Gringotts, but it was still expensive. Yet he did like Yasmin more than the others. And she didn't seem to mind that he'd been dating Kate and Laura alongside her.

She was really very beautiful, and had dressed for the occasion in a gold dress with plenty of jewellery to match. Sirius thought she was the only girl in London who could pull the outfit off as well as she did.

But he didn't just like her for her looks. She was funny and clever too. She worked in cancer research, which was apparently a common muggle illness, and lived with her elderly grandmother, who she cared for after her parents had died in a tragic car accident.

He met her dark eyes and she smiled at him. "I think I lov-"

"No." He said quickly before she could complete her sentence.

Yasmin looked taken aback. She pulled her hands away from his. "What?"

Sirius shook his head. "Please don't say that. Please don't say you…"

"Love you?"

He looked up at her. The restaurant was suddenly too noisy and the lights were suddenly too bright. His heart was beating quickly. Sod it. Why did girls have to do this?! They'd only been seeing each other a few months. She really couldn't feel that deeply towards him yet.

"I'd just… rather you didn't say it." He said awkwardly.

Yasmin fixed him with a cool look. "Why's that? Because then you might feel committed to me? Oh heaven forbid."

"Look, I told you I don't want to be tied down."

"Yeah I know. And neither do I! But I'm not asking you to marry me. I'm just telling you how I feel. Obviously you don't feel the same way. Why am I not surprised? You don't bloody feel anything. But it's quite another thing to deny me my right to say it to you."

She was glaring at him now and he suddenly found it very hard to meet her eyes.

Oh how many times had he been here before with women? "Sorry." He muttered. That usually helped soften the blow. "I'll settle up." He put a hand in his pocket and drew out some notes.

"Don't bother." She said tersely. "You go. I'm going to stay and enjoy the meal."

He looked at her and, sure enough, she had picked up her knife and fork again. "Yasmin…"

"Yes?"

"Er…"

He had no idea what to say. "I'm not very good at this."

"No. You're not."

What was it Remus had said to him the other day? "I think I probably need to listen more."

She looked surprised. "Oh. Well yes, you do."

"I'm sorry I interrupted you."

"Thank you. Obviously I won't say it again now."

Sirius grinned. He supposed he deserved that much. "I understand. But, for what it's worth, I do like you very much."

And, to his intense embarrassment, he felt himself flush. Oh bloody hell. He never got embarrassed with girls. That was always more James' territory (at least when it came to Lily anyway).

Yasmin smiled. "Thanks. You're not so bad yourself I suppose."

And, thank Merlin and all his kin, that was the end of that awkward conversation.

Number twelve, Grimmauld Place played host to Harry and all the Weasley children one night when they appeared after a dream Harry had where Arthur Weasley was attacked by a giant snake.

Sirius had a thousand questions for Dumbledore, but the priority was of course Arthur, and taking care of his kids.

Sirius noticed that Harry was spending a lot more time with Ginny than he had done over the summer. Showing a level of emotional intelligence he himself had certainly not possessed at fifteen, his godson moved over to join her by the fireplace and asked if she'd like a cup of tea. He'd not known how to make a cup of tea at fifteen either come to that.

"I feel so helpless." Harry said, joining Sirius in the kitchen area and putting the kettle on to boil. "And what's more Sirius, it was my fault…"

Sirius listened with concern as Harry told him how he'd been the snake in his dream.

"I feel like I'm going mad. And when I was in Dumbledore's office…"

"That's not mad." Sirius said as his godson told him how he'd wanted to attack the headmaster. "I've felt that way towards Dumbledore frequently."

"I'm being serious, er, Sirius."

Sirius grinned. "I know. So am I."

Harry didn't smile.

"Look." He said, meeting Harry's gaze. "You have absolutely nothing to feel worried or upset about. So stop worrying, and go and give Ginny her tea." He took the kettle off the stove and handed him a teacup with a teabag in. "Milk and sugar?"

"Oh. I don't know."

"Well find out! Girls like it when you listen. Bit of unsolicited dating advice from your godfather." And he winked at him, ignoring the mortified look Harry gave him in response.

Fortunately Arthur made a full recovery. Sylvie's dad, Hippocrates Smethwyck, had eventually found an antidote to the snake venom in his wounds and he left in good health and spirits just after Christmas.

As the Weasleys had wanted to be near St Mungo's, Sirius had suggested they stayed at Grimmauld Place for the festive period.

Though it was really the last place he wanted to spend the holidays (it brought back far too many memories of Christmases past), he tried to make the most of it. And he did enjoy having the house full.

When he'd lived in the house with his parents they'd always thrown lavish New Year's parties. He'd despised these as a child and teenager as it had usually meant being forced to dress like a prat and be polite to people he hated.

This year however he operated a 'wear what you like' policy and, more importantly, a 'talk to who you like' one. Fortunately there was no one at the party Sirius particularly wanted to avoid, but he was rather glad Remus had 'taken one for the team' and gone to engage Minerva McGonagall in conversation. He could see them now, Remus nodding politely as McGonagall lectured him about something or other and stirred her gillywater. Sirius grinned. Some things never changed.

He smiled as he saw Harry chatting happily at the bar with Ron, Hermione and Ginny too. He knew Ron and Harry had stolen some firewhisky earlier in the evening, but he couldn't be bothered to tell them off for it. What was life without breaking a few rules after all?

Though he would usually have quite enjoyed being in the thick of things, he moved to the side of the room and took the opportunity to talk to Arthur Weasley instead.

The man was sitting in what had been Sirius' grandfather's favourite armchair and watching the party from a distance as he sipped his firewhisky.

"I'm not really supposed to be drinking." He told Sirius a little guiltily as he came to join him. "Don't tell Molly, will you?"

Sirius grinned. He certainly wouldn't be telling Molly anything about who in her family had or hasn't been drinking firewhisky that night.

"How are you feeling?" He asked the man. Arthur did look better, but Sirius knew it would still be some time before he was completely back to full strength again.

Arthur sighed. "Grateful to be alive." He said.

Sirius nodded grimly. They all dreaded to think what might have happened if the alarm hadn't been alerted when it had.

Do you think it was sent by Voldemort?" Sirius asked with a frown. "The snake I mean."

He'd heard rumours that Voldemort had a pet snake. Of course he did the scaly sod.

Arthur sighed again. "We don't know. But I think one must assume so. How would a snake get hold of the prophecy? It was surely meant as an attack on our defence more than anything else."

Sirius remembered what Harry had said to him the night he saw Arthur get injured. 'I was the snake.'

He felt an odd sort of shudder run through him. What was happening to his godson?!

He vowed to ask Dumbledore next time he saw him, but Dumbledore was away so much these days. Moody was the one who was in charge more often than not.

"Black. Weasley." The man himself said, limping over to the wizards and plonking himself down beside them. "Mind if I join you?"

Of course he already had joined them, but Sirius still appreciated the (somewhat surprising from Mad-Eye) politeness.

"We were just talking about what happened to Arthur in the department of mysteries." Sirius filled him in.

"Yeah…" Moody growled. "Dumbledore's being very quiet on that front. I mean, it's a bit strange Potter saw it all happen. What's all that about?"

"His scar's been hurting worse this year." Sirius said, feeling the familiar knot in his stomach he came to associate with concern for his godson.

"Dumbledore's being quiet about that too." Moody said, frowning. "What does it mean do you think?"

Sirius wondered whether he dared voice his theory to Moody and Arthur. It was something he'd been wondering for a while now, and he couldn't quite say why. Was it instinct, perhaps?

"I sometimes think there's a connection to Voldemort there." He admitted to the men. "It hurts him when Voldemort's feeling extreme emotions, and these visions… well, I worry about him." That was putting it lightly.

"We all worry about our kids." Arthur said, smiling sadly at him. "But I'm sure if Dumbledore was really concerned he'd let you know."

"Any news from Percy?" Sirius asked. He knew the third Weasley son wasn't talking to the family after falling out with them over their views towards the ministry and Voldemort.

Arthur shook his head. "No. Molly's still devastated of course, but I think it's best we just get on with things. You can't change others' opinions when they're as set in their ways as my son. The best thing to do is be an example of another way."

"Working well so far for us, eh?" Sirius said dryly.

There had been no new recruits to the Order since Sylvie and Bessie had joined. Everyone seemed so desperate to believe the Daily Prophet that everything was safe and well. He couldn't believe how stupid everyone was being.

Despite Dumbledore insisting to Sirius that he didn't need to worry about Harry, clearly the man was concerned himself as he was arranging for him to have occlumency lessons with…

"Snivellus!" Sirius said incredulously as Dumbledore told him of the plan.

"Oh for Merlin's sake Sirius." Dumbledore said impatiently. "Why must you insist on harbouring this ridiculous schoolboy…"

"I'll tell you why, Dumbledore." Sirius said, just as angry. "Because that vicious git you let loose in your castle was and, whatever you say to the contrary, still is a flaming death eater!"

Dumbledore fixed him with a hard look. "And why, Sirius, would I let one of Voldemort's death eaters join the Order of the Phoenix?"

Well because he was far too trusting for his own good, that was why.

"What makes you think he's really changed?" He asked instead.

Dumbledore considered him. "Maybe I'll tell you one day. But as you've just accused me of a serious lack of security and integrity in the organisation I set up to fight Voldemort, I'm not feeling all that inclined to right now."

Oh for Merlin's sake…

"Fine. I don't think Snape's a death eater." He said impatiently. He did, obviously.

"Sirius, I am a very good legilimens and know perfectly well you're lying to me." But Sirius thought he saw the corner of his lip twitch.

"Well why can't you teach Harry occlumency then?!" He asked eagerly.

Dumbledore faltered. "I, er, don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"It's complicated."

"Why can't you just be honest with me?!"

He'd always despised this trait of the headmaster's. He was so guarded with everything and Sirius wondered if anyone had ever really known what his plans were.

"I'm not a bad legilimens myself." He added, which of course wasn't strictly true, but he thought it sounded good to say.

Dumbledore looked at him and, to Sirius' intense consternation, he saw the man's face crumple. "Er, firewhisky?" He offered quickly.

Dumbledore nodded. "Thank you, Sirius."

Sirius nodded, his mouth feeling slightly dry. He wasn't sure he was capable of dealing with a crisis of confidence from his headmaster, but he had to try. This was for Harry after all.

The two men moved to his dad's study which was the most soundproof room and where they'd be least likely to be disturbed (as Orion Black's portrait was rude to everyone the room was generally avoided).

Of course his father had kept plenty of firewhisky bottles in the drinks cabinet there. He helped himself to the most expensive one, ignoring the angry protests from his dad on the wall and summoned a couple of crystal glasses for them both.

Dumbledore looked more vulnerable than Sirius thought he'd ever seen him. It was quite unnerving really and made him want to make a joke. He had to stop himself with difficulty.

"What's going on, Albus?" He said instead, wondering if the use of the man's first name might prompt him to open up a bit.

Dumbledore sighed and rubbed his forehead with his right hand. "I… I don't know if I should say."

Oh here we go… Sirius thought, but before he could say anything impatient or disparaging, the man spoke again.

"I know Elphias told you I like to operate alone."

It was true. Sirius had met with Dumbledore's old friend Doge the previous year in an attempt to try and understand the way the man's mind worked (in an attempt to convince him to let him have custody of Harry).

"And I know you have found that… challenging in the past." Dumbledore continued, which was again very true.

"But… you have to know… I do all I do for the greater good. Very few truly understand that."

Sirius was aware of Dumbledore's way of working 'for the greater good'. The man seemed to have some sort of Merlin complex and believed he alone was privy to some kind of secret knowledge which gave him the authority to control those around him.

"Yeah, I know." He said tiredly. "But with all due respect, Dumbledore, you can't know what's best for everyone."

"Sirius." Dumbledore said, fixing him with a significant look now. "I know how to defeat Voldemort."

Sirius stared at him. "What?"

"I know what needs to be done. And Harry's part of it."

And he told him everything.

He explained how he believed Voldemort had made several horcruxes, how using Harry's blood to bring himself back to life had bonded his and Harry's fates together, and how he believed Voldemort had given Harry some of his own powers when he'd tried to kill him as a baby too.

But worse than that, worse than all of that, was what Dumbledore told him the prophecy contained.

"Neither can live while the other survives." Sirius repeated blankly. "What the hell does that mean?!"

"It means that Harry must be the one to kill Voldemort. But only after the Horcruxes have been destroyed. Only then can Voldemort truly die."

Sirius stared at him. He couldn't be hearing this right. This couldn't be possible.

"No." Was all he felt able to say. "No. It can't be… you've got this wrong."

Dumbledore shook his head. He looked so tired and so old all of a sudden. "I haven't. I know I'm right about this. Harry must be the one to kill Voldemort."

It was Sirius' turn to shake his head. He couldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it. "There must be another way." He said, surprising even himself with the fear in his voice.

"There's not." Dumbledore said resolutely.

"Well bloody think of one then!" He shouted, getting to his feet. He couldn't believe that the greatest wizard of their time, the man who had defeated Grindelwald, could accept there was only one way to destroy Voldemort.

Dumbledore met his gaze firmly. "I have thought about it. There isn't an alternative. Sit down please."

"You know, Dumbledore, you're very good at telling other people what to do." Sirius said, his voice shaking slightly but whether from anger or fear he didn't know. "And you're probably the cleverest man I've ever met, but you're just wrong about this. And if you won't find another way, I will."

And, not wanting to spend another moment in the man's miserable company, he left the room.

...

A/N: I'm pretty sure any of Sirius' romances in this story will be for the purpose of character development only. As is quite clear he has much more pressing concerns on his mind right now…