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Souls of the Night Vol 3

26.

After I had made up my mind for the first time, my day had been pretty busy. Well, what was left of the day after I managed to tear myself away from the park bench. I mainly had to go to the toilet. I would have to get used to that again. Excreting was like smoking - it was only when you hadn't done it for a while that you realized how disgusting the whole thing was. I got into the castle with Elisa's keycard without any problems and packed a bag with my things. I left a lot of stuff there simply because I couldn't wear all the clothes Tachi had made me. I also didn't want to give the impression that I would never set foot in the castle again. If the human and non-human inhabitants allowed it, I would still spend a lot of time here - I had promised that to the others.

Unless Lex didn't want me to. I shied away from thinking about how he'd reacted when he'd woken up to find my note pinned to the bedroom door of the apartment I wouldn't be spending a night or a day in. `Dear Lex, it's all good, nothing is wrong and I'm so grateful to you. But your wonderful gift is too enormous for me to accept. I'm sorry, but I'd rather live in the Flatlands again, assuming Mrs. Conner hasn't rented out my apartment. We'll talk later. XO Nathaniel.` I had kept it short so that he wouldn't stop reading in mid-sentence in anger ... or sorrow and disappointment. Because he would be disappointed and certainly angry and I was afraid of the presumably inevitable conversation with him. Not because he had fangs and claws and I thought he would take his anger out on me in some way. I didn't think that at all. Lex would never, ever hurt me - physically. But ... it wasn't impossible that he was already sitting in my old, new apartment to confront me.

While I was horrified to discover that my old apartment had been renovated (but in a much more down-to-earth way than the apartment in the Eyrie building and that this apartment in the Flatlands was still mine, as Mrs. Conner had assured me with an old-lady hug), I set about sorting some things out. I sorted my mail and corresponded a lot with all the institutions that had wanted something from me in the three months of my absence. Nevertheless, my thoughts had been constantly on the pending conversation with Lexington and I hoped I would be able to get the sentences I had prepared out without brainless stuttering.

Now it was after ten o'clock in the evening and I had just come back from shopping after realizing that all my clothes had been put back in the closets, but apart from very old clothes from before my eating disorder, nothing in there fit me at all. It wasn't so much my stomach or my butt. But my shoulders had gotten a little broader from the training and of course I wasn't muscular, but in my XXS T-shirts I looked like I was about to burst out of the seams like Hulk. Perhaps out of fear of a confrontation with my lover, I walked slower and slower. I just blamed it on the two heavy shopping bags of clothes and essential groceries. Although after all that walking around I didn't feel like cooking so late at night.

I dragged myself and the groceries up the stairs to my veranda with the entrance door. The new patio light with the motion sensor came on and I almost tripped over the last step because my boyfriend was sitting there on one of the two new chairs that were there with a small weatherproof table so that someone (whoever - not me, and why - all alone) could have breakfast here in the morning sun someday. Before I could fall, Lexington had jumped up and suddenly he was very close to me, his hands stabilizing my shoulders, his eyes right in front of mine.

We both looked at each other for a long moment, both surprised, both indecisive. Until I realized that his claws were digging into my shoulders (not his fault, my upper body had practically fallen into his helpfully outstretched hands). As I groaned, he loosened his grip and as I regained my balance and took the last stair (all the while still holding the bags), he let go of me completely and took a step back.

"Hi Nate," he said, sounding more like a schoolboy than an annoyed boyfriend whose ungrateful significant other had turned down a million dollar gift.

"He-He- Hi Lex," I stuttered, pressing my lip together. I couldn't even get out a hello without stammering. In front of my mother, Jussuf, the rest of the family - yes. I stuttered out of fear and insecurity. I didn't want to stutter in front of Lex. I wanted to be stronger and better and for him to know I loved him despite my departure from the Eyrie building.

"Oh!" I said quickly, probably sounding relieved because I had remembered how to proceed in this strange situation.

I hadn't been able to absorb much of my mother's wisdom. But this one certainly. Always refer to the rules of hospitality. Those were the standard installation in my head and I felt safe with them now.

"Please. Please come in. We'll talk inside," I said and Lex seemed glad. At least he was smiling. Good, smiling was good. That's why I did that too before turning to the small panel on the doorframe and leaning close to it. The red light from the artificial eye inside detected my own real one and the door swung open with a soft peep. I turned around but Lexington didn't look happy about the little gadget I could now use to gain access to my place. It was more like he was pained that I had to use it or embarrassed that it had been installed. His eyes found mine.

"I suggested that to Owen. But ... if you'd rather have a real key, I can-"

"No! No, it's cool," I assured him hastily, and then a little more quietly and cautiously. "I'm probably the only person in the Flatlands who has a retina scanner."

"Ah... okay," Lex muttered as I turned and walked into my new, old apartment. The floor plan was still the same (the rooms didn't suddenly grow) so I didn't have to turn on any lights to find the kitchen. But Lexington flicked the switch behind me, perhaps because he assumed my horribly inadequate human eyes and accident-prone body were always and everywhere a bad combination.

I hurriedly packed the groceries that needed cooling into the small fridge. Not a stainless steel monster like in the Eyrie. The kitchen was just as small as the old one. But the countertop was new as were the subtly fragrant natural wood cabinets.

Everything about this apartment was cozy, manageable and warm, and the extreme contrast to the Manhattan place was so absurdly huge that it was pretty clear that Lex hadn't participated here except with a suggestion or two because maybe he thought his solution was perfect for me and that thinking about the Flatlands place was nonsense. I turned around and saw him still standing in the doorway. He looked around and I didn't even get much of a chance to ponder what he thought of the new apartment with the sea-green walls, the new brown couch and coffee table (presumably everything that had my blood on it had been thrown away), my old TV and games console.

His eyes lingered on the picture on the wall where the Arabic wall tattoo my mother had given me had been removed. This large picture seemed to be simply a night view of Manhattan. A picture stretched on a canvas that was beautiful but nothing special and that you could buy anywhere. But it was more than that if you had been a gargoyle yourself and had seen all the magnificently illuminated skyscrapers up close. The dark silhouette at the upper edge of the picture was the only sign that this picture had been specially taken by the viewer (or a camera).

Because this silhouette was not a bat or a late bird. It was a gargoyle. Anyone familiar with the shapes of Manhattan gargoyles could see that the dark silhouette was not Goliath, Brooklyn, Lex or one of the others. The black figure had my wing design.

This image showed me (my gargoyle form) gliding. When I had realized this, I sat down and cried for ten minutes, not knowing if my tears were tears of joy at the kind gesture or tears of regret. Still - the picture was beautiful and I wished Lexington would see that too, would approve not only of the picture but of the whole apartment and my decision. But he just stood there, looking more lost than he ever could have in the monster million-dollar apartment he had designed to his liking. I wanted to know what he was thinking. Was he comparing this apartment with what he would have offered me? In comparison, my decision probably seemed even more irrational.

How could he be anything other than disappointed in me and regretting his decision to have me as a lover?

I just didn't know what to say, how to react. Should I ask for forgiveness, as was my first impulse? But I didn't regret my decision to turn down this apartment. Not at all. Lex would know that and if I apologized, he would recognize the lie and my old strategy of hunching over to maintain harmony. He had told me not to grovel anymore. I should say what I wanted. The same second I opened my mouth, he did the same. We cut off each other's first sounds and we both laughed bashfully about it like we were on a massively awkward first date.

"Please you go first," he said - at the same moment I did and again I broke off in mid-sentence. I rubbed the side of my face with a grin of embarrassment and my heart skipped a beat because my brain was reporting back that my jaw horns were gone (just GONE! Chipped off in stone sleep!?) and it took me a millisecond to remember that I was human and it was normal for my jaw not to have horns. But I had to shave my stubble. I really missed my jaw horns and my three-day beard bothered me.

"Please sit down," I saved myself again with the help of social norms and Lex closed the door behind him, crossed the two yards and did just that. Then he sat on my couch like a good boy with his hands in his lap and looked at me with his big eyes as if he was going to be rejected any second.

"I bought some tea, would you like some tea?" I asked but he refused with a sad smile. Why did he look so sad? I was the one who had practically kicked his ass. I wanted to offer something else but I hadn't cooked anything and had no snacks in the house because I was concentrating on the essentials. But I suspect Lex would have turned everything down anyway. And the way he looked at me! He expected me to say something! That I should start this unpleasant conversation! I'd been wearing Elisa's comforting big knitted poncho all day (Mrs. Conner had said it looked good on me and was street-appropriate, so I hadn't taken it off all day and was still wearing it at the moment) and now I wrapped my arms around myself, undecided, letting the warm fabric caress me. Lex didn't fail to notice, of course, and although you could tell he still wanted (requested? Demanded?) me to be the leader of the conversation, he helped me a little by patting the spot next to him.

"You're a little pale. Please sit down," he said gently and I wanted to wrap myself up in this gentleness as much as in the poncho. But I probably didn't deserve that after my behavior. I sat down on the couch at arm's length from my friend. Yes, sitting was good.

"I - I began hoarsely and wanted to cuddle Lex because he perked up his ears at the first sound from my mouth as if every word was important.

"That I'm just gone today. Well, my note, have you seen it?"

"Yes. Elisa gave it to me," he said and I felt the remaining blood drain from my face and my expression fall.

"She talked to you?" I asked anxiously.

He rubbed the back of his neck and grinned in a droll, snarling way. "Not only that. She and Davis were expecting me in a sitting circle after I woke up. For a therapeutic intervention."

I grabbed my head with both hands. "I told her not to tell you how I reacted! Lex, I was - it was no big deal! Why is she making such a big deal out of it? I trusted her!"

"Elisa's been a clan mom long enough to know what's good for us better than we do ourselves sometimes. I needed her to fill me in. Even having the Doc there as a mediator was good. Nate, don't be mad at her. It's okay that I know. I don't think any less of you and you were right. I'm sorry."

He grabbed my shoulder - no claws this time - and gave it a placating squeeze. "Nate. Elisa was right. I was an idiot! I had to hear it from her - from a basically unrelated person - what I'd done wrong to even realize I'd done something wrong," he rushed to say, sounding somewhat relieved as if the words had been sitting in his stomach like millstones for hours.

"You didn't do anything wrong!" I snapped fiercely, but my anger fizzled out as soon as my hand found his on my shoulder and I grabbed it.

"I love you. And you ... literally want to lay the world at my feet. And I'm fleeing from it. But ... I can't live in it. I can't accept something like that but I want you to know that I love you even if I don't live in the same building as you. It's ... " I was panting for breath and the stressed heat that washed over me might or might not be one of the supposed echoes.

"- too much? Too big?" He asked softly and I nodded gratefully, pulling his hand to my mouth where I breathed a kiss on the palm. "I love you," I repeated, sniffling. "I want to be together with you. But I can't ... accept gifts like that."

"Because it makes you feel incapacitated, blindsided and cornered." He said gravely. "Because I wanted to put you in golden chains that rob you of the air you need to breathe instead of asking you what you want, as a good boyfriend would have done. Instead, I was an overbearing ass throwing money at you."

I lifted my eyes and felt a tear run down my cheek at his words.

"You ARE a good boyfriend! The best! The sweetest. I'm grateful for every minute with you."

I couldn't hold back the tears anymore and Lex moved closer and caught me in a hug. I just allowed myself to be cradled, my back and head patted and I clung to his shirt like I never wanted to let him go.

"It's okay. It's okay. Let it all out. I'm sorry. I'm trying to do better." He crooned over and over again in a raspy voice that was an octave too high and showed me that he was struggling with tears himself. I wanted to tell him that he didn't have to get better because he was already good - simply out of a reflex to defend my friend, even if it was only against himself. At the same time, I knew that I wanted to hear him say those words, needed to hear them, so that I could understand that he was wonderful but at the same time fallible (as everyone was and everyone was allowed to be). Lex needed to say the words just as much as I needed to hear them. It took the pressure off both of us.

After a few minutes, I had collected myself enough.

"We're two great fellows," I mumbled, exhausted by my own emotional outburst. Lex understood me immediately.

"Yes. We need Elisa to set our heads straight and figure ourselves out. And I even need the shrink to avoid climbing the walls because my friend wasn't there when I woke up. That's the shitty thing about being petrified - you're on freeze for 8 to 13 hours and the world can end and you wouldn't know it. Like on September eleventh." He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Okay, that's a blatant comparison."

Now I grinned and patted him on the back. "It's okay - I'm not that sensitive about the topic if I hardly remember those days at all."

"I - you know - I'm still practicing this whole ... relationship thing and I'm awkward about it from time to time," he admitted and I felt his claws running through the strands of my hair.

"And you think I don't feel the same way? My only long-term relationship was... you know. Having a boyfriend who really wants to be my boyfriend and not just use me to fulfill his sadistic closet gay urges is new territory for me too?"

"Maybe ... we both need to keep exploring the boundaries and possibilities of our relationship. What we feel comfortable with and what we don't and where we can find compromises. And we need to talk to each other more openly without fear of the other's reaction."

"Yes. We ... should make rules," I blurted out, lulled into safety by his embrace and for a moment I thought he wouldn't approve of the analytical bleakness that the word 'rules' implied in relation to a romantic relationship but when he pushed me away to look at me, his face beamed with enthusiasm.

"I love rules!"

"Me too!" I said with a relieved laugh and immediately got a kiss in return. Afterwards, Lex nuzzled my neck as if he had to conceal our relationship conflict over the living situation with a new consensual scent mark. It gave me very human goose bumps all over and I found it hard to keep my voice steady. "But ... rules that we can bend and adapt to the situation."

"Great idea! We should brainstorm about it," he said.

"Maybe tomorrow?" I asked quietly. Lex leaned back a little, stroking my upper arm and the soft wool of the poncho, his gaze affectionate and a little worried.

"Yes. Tomorrow. You must be tired. Knowing you, you've been sorting things out as a human all day and haven't even had a nap even though you were awake the night before. And have you eaten anything? Shall we order something? Or should I make you something? I'm not a chef like Broadway, but little dishes-"

"Lex."

"Yeah?"

"You don't have to pamper me," I reminded him, grinning at how sheepish he looked.

"Sorry," he said softly.

"It's okay. Baby steps for both of us, okay?"

"Okay. ... What are you in the mood for?"

"For ... well, if you have time ... just a little cuddling and watching TV," I said, longing so much for normality. Normality that was old for us, but felt new.

"I have SO much time," Lexington assured me, really looking like watching dull TV with the dull human Nathaniel was the best pastime he could think of. He hadn't stopped stroking my arm and was now looking appreciatively at the material.

"Gosh, that's so cozy. I like the poncho."

I giggled. "That one? It's from Elisa. She lent it to me."

My boyfriend lowered his head, licked his lips, gulped and then looked up at me with a blush on his cheeks. "Speaking of cuddling. Do you think ... there's room in there for a rueful gargoyle who's really trying to work on himself?"

I weighed my head, but of course only appeared to ponder the question, before a smile formed on my face. "I think ... it would be pretty cramped in here for a Goliath-Elisa combo. But I think ... there would be more than enough room in here for a Nathaniel and a Lexington." Lex gently pressed his hand on my chest so that I was lying on the couch with my head on the armrest. Then he crawled over me, lifted the fabric of the poncho and crawled underneath. I could feel how carefully he moved so as not to let his claws scratch me. Then a head popped out of the wide neckline and his grin right in front of my face made me laugh.

"It fits!" I proclaimed before sealing his mouth with mine.

We both opened our mouths and he lowered himself onto me, slightly leaning sideways against the backrest so that he didn't deprive me of air (apart from kissing me). After a few seconds, he rested his head against the crook of my neck, his arms wrapped around my upper body just as my arms were wrapped around him.

"At least that's the same," I mumbled.

"What, were you worried you didn't know how to kiss anymore? You're a fantastic kisser."

"I return the compliment. And you taste the same and I won't cut myself on your fangs."

"Muscle memory, Mr. Sharif."

"I need to shave, though."

One of his hands left my ribs, slipped through the neckline as well, and his claw scraped over my chin, making a scratchy sound. "I don't know - it's kind of sexy," he thought aloud, though his smirk looked more like a tease.

"That's something I can't give in to, Mr. Wywern."

The hand disappeared only to work its way up one of the bat sleeves to grab the universal remote control lying on the coffee table. "Okay. I like seeing more of your face too. It's both good."

I exhaled silently, more relieved at his assessment than I would have ever admitted out loud.

Lex pointed the remote at the ceiling light and with the push of a button, it went out.

"Uhhh, neat," I commented.

"Another suggestion from me. Other than that, I didn't get involved. I didn't want to plaster your apartment with Alexa. Some people don't like the system for fear of her listening to every word."

"Doesn't she do that?"

"Not my version," Lex emphasized and after a brief silence while Netflix loaded: "It ... turned out very nice. The apartment," he said.

"Really? Do you really think so?"

"Yes. Do you like it? I mean, honestly? Even if you don't like something yet, you don't have to be afraid that I'll have it changed without your knowledge."

"Yes. I like it very much. Like this - so this is just the right mix of coziness, security and technology," I said, knowing in the back of my mind that Lex and I needed to work on our insecurities about the other person's reactions. Sincerity had to be practiced.

"Honestly," Lex said as he handed me the remote so I could choose what we watched and put his head back on my chest. "I like the apartment too. It's warm and cute. Everything my apartment lacked and you can afford it without a sugar daddy. I tend not to take other people's opinions into account because I'm ... sometimes too full of myself."

"I hadn't noticed," I quipped and Lex grumbled in a cute content way because my free hand had found his bare skull and was caressing it.

"Earlier, I was just a little perplexed that Ice Prince Owen Burnett obviously has a better knack than me for combining new and modern with old and warm atmosphere. If ... I had designed the Manhattan apartment a little more like this one, I might not have put you off."

"You didn't put me off," I whispered ... and then sighed because yes - the place had put me off, even though I had known that as a human I wouldn't have been able to live in the small castle room permanently. "The apartment has overwhelmed me. It's because of me. Someone else would probably have thought it was fantastic."

"You're such a polite liar, Nate. This apartment sucks. Elisa called it a nightmare of marble, high gloss fronts and tech gadgets."

"Elisa's been pretty busy today knocking sense into both of us, hasn't she?"

"She'll send us the bill," he said, and I started `Bill & Ted Face the Music,` which I thought was the perfect movie to shut out any higher thoughts and just let it be.

In fact, I was probably pretty tired - and with my love in my arms, calm enough to relax - so I was almost dozing off after a few minutes when Lex nudged me. I let out a questioning grumble.

"Nate?"

"Mhmm?"

"Elisa is never getting that poncho back. I'm hereby claiming it for us," he said as matter-of-factly as if he were annexing Mexico.

"I approve and buy her a new one," I grumbled tiredly and sank into a blissful slumber.

I can still do it! I moved house and first had to see if the author could get into writing in new premises. It's not good to relocate writers.

Thanks for reading, Q.T.