Chapter 17

"I would have these dreams about riding," she began. "I know I'm on horseback but we're going so fast I feel like I'm flying. I feel free. There's someone with me but I never see them. I try to see their face but then I would usually wake up." She paused to pick at some lint on her skirt, "I had that dream, versions of it, over and over. Sometimes there would be blood. I could smell it, taste it. Just so much blood. And when I woke up I would feel so…empty."

She glanced at Jimmy, his face unreadable. "And just now? Was that your dream?"

Lou shook her head. "At first, but… I was drowning in blood. Blood from…"

Jimmy saw the tears trickle over her dark lashes and down her cheeks. He used the pads of his thumbs to wipe them away and told her to take her time.

"There was this place he took me to once." Her cheeks flushed red as she told him it was a brothel. "I was so afraid that he meant to leave me there, leave me behind. But he ummm…"

Jimmy heard her say that Grayson got them a girl and a room for the night and heard her vaguely hint at what they had done in that room. His blood boiled as he thought about it.

"I woke up a little before dawn and he had killed all of them." She described the scene in the brothel that night, wiping at the tears that now flowed unrestrained. "I can count on two hands the number of months of my life that I can actually remember, and they're all filled with blood and perversion. And I'm supposed to be a mother," she whispered.

Once again, he pulled her into his arms and Louise felt herself encased in warmth and strength. He said something about everyone having bad memories and not letting them define us. She was more focused on the feeling of his body pressed so firmly against her own. He held her for a long time, thinking about how they needed to get her out of this place and back home as soon as possible, so she could start rebuilding her life with the ones that loved her.

"What about you?" she quietly asked. "You said you'd tell me yours?"

"Right, right." He'd almost forgotten. He thought about where to start. His nightmares had changed throughout his time at the Express. For a long time it was his father's temper that played the monster in his nightmares. Then it was himself, or rather Wild Bill, and the parts of himself that he thought most resembled his old man. And then he had begun to dream of her ghost, haunting him for never finding her, never avenging her. Of all the monsters he'd faced, this one was the worst, dreaming about what she had suffered because of his failure, dreaming about Wicks and scores like him cornering her while she was out there all alone.

He spilled it all. The things he had seen as a boy. The images that startled him awake at night. About trying to run from Wild Bill, worrying that some part of him was that coldblooded killer, that he wouldn't be able to escape that fate. And lastly about her. How he drank himself to sleep for weeks after she'd vanished, for fear of the nightmares. Imagining that she suffered every wicked thing under the sun. Imagining that she had called out for help, called for him, and he never came. That he'd failed her. First by not being able to find her, secondly when he stopped looking and now, when he still couldn't assuage her pain.

After he unburdened all this to Lou, she remained quiet, contemplative. He couldn't tell what she might be thinking, but after several minutes she turned her deep brown eyes to his and asked, "You're Wild Bill Hickok?"

"Well, um, I mean. Wild Bill is made up. It's not really me."

"I knew that book was too ridiculous to be true."

"You read it?"

"Skimmed it. Why did that man write those things, if they're not true?"

"That's another story."

It was hours before he returned to his own room. Kicking off his boots to lie in the bed he'd barely used since being there, he felt ten times lighter. He'd meant to comfort her but somehow he felt he'd been the one who's demons had been excised. Talking to Lou still came as easy as ever, and listening to his stories seemed to soothe her own fears as well.

Neither of them had come from very loving backgrounds. Though her mother tried her best, Lou found herself alone, out in the cold, at a very young age. Jimmy's home had been stable, but unbearable all the same. He'd left as soon as he was old enough to fend for himself. He knew with certainty that this child would be loved and cared for by many. Their family, not one of blood but of bonds forged out of love and loyalty, would make sure of it. As he drifted off to sleep, he promised her unborn child a future filled with happiness and security.

It was with that in mind that early the next morning, he went to visit Tomasi at the church.

"I understand you got to tie up loose ends and all but we need to take her home now."

"It takes time to arrange the annulment and to transfer the estate as well as secure Miss McCloud's compensation. What's your rush?"

"Staying in this place ain't doing her no good, okay? Too many bad things have happened here. I don't think she can heal till we bring her home. She practically said it herself."

"Did she?" Tomasi wondered if the boy wasn't just hearing what he wanted to hear. Either way, he tended to agree. He had not gone back to the house himself and after viewing the basement, he never wanted to set foot in there again, even if the church was buying the property. "It may take a bit longer but I suppose we could wrap this up through correspondence. I imagine you're right, the best thing for Louise is probably to return home." Afterall, it was Louise's well-being, not the church's interests, that should be his primary concern. How was she supposed to move on with her life while stuck in the shadow of all she'd endured.

Jimmy returned to the house in high spirits. He was ready to start packing. Hell, if there was a night train, they could take that. They'd pack light. Lou could have her trunks of dresses and things shipped later. Whatever else she needed, he would take care of.

Stripping off his coat and hat in the hallway, he could barely contain his excitement. He was happy to find everyone gathered in the sitting room, including Lou. He took a seat next to her and grabbed her hand without thinking. He explained how he had just come from talking with Tomasi and that they need not wait another day to make their travel plans.

Louise wanted to leave this place, she was certain of that. She didn;t want to continue living in this house that had been her prison. And she was curious to see the place that had been her true home, out west. She saw the looks of relief on the others' faces. They must be eager to return home as well. Then, her gaze settled on Cara.

"What will you do?" she asked the young Irish woman. "You can come with us, if you want."

Cara had been living off the other's generosity for the past few days. She doubted that she still had a job with her other clients, as she had never shown up or given word after what had happened.

"I could use your help when the baby comes," Louise went on. The idea of leaving her behind, alone, did not settle well with her.

"I've never been a nanny."

"I've never been a mother." Louise smiled at her and Cara thought it might be the first genuine smile she had ever seen from her.

"Do you have anything keeping you here, Cara? Family maybe?" Rachel inquired.

The truth was she had become closer to these people in the time they'd been here than anyone else in the city. The only thing for her in Boston was drudgery.

"No, nothing. I'll go."

Jimmy watched Lou's face light up when Cara agreed to go with them. He realized how much he owed to this young woman. Everything, really.

"I'll have to get my things from the boarding house."

"That's fine." Jimmy said he'd go with her to get her things. "You're family now, Cara," he told her. "Don't worry about anything. We'll take care of it."

Louise smiled to herself and held tighter to the hand that encased hers. No, he was nothing like the gunslinger in that silly novel, not at all. She found herself thinking about kissing him again, and not out of desperation.

Jimmy felt Lou squeeze his hand and looked over at her. Her eyes looked bright and they shone with something like gratitude. She looked happy, and that made his heart soar.

"This is where you live?" Louise asked. She and Jimmy had accompanied Cara to retrieve her belongings. It was the first time she had ever seen the young maid's home or any boarding house, as far as she could recall. Cara's was one of many rooms in a large colonial house in the south end, full of Irish and English girls like her, mostly doing domestic work. Many of the rooms slept three, even four girls but Cara had a room to herself. When Louise asked how she had managed that she said it was because of the generous pay that Mr. Grayson provided. She saw darkness cloud Louise's eyes at the mention of him and she regretted her choice of words. Of course he had been generous. He'd hoped that she would take the money and turn a blind eye to the depravity in their home.

Now she was packing to go West, with a group of people who had shown her more kindness in the few days she'd known them than this city had shown her the entire time she'd been here. She would have a chance to care for Louise and her baby rather than scrub floors for people who didn't give a damn about her, or worse, men who thought they could prey on her. She had put up with their leering, dodged their groping hands, pretended not to hear their offensive remarks. There would be men like that everywhere, she knew, but she also knew these people would never expect her to bow to such gross misconduct. It's funny, she thought. We tell ourselves that we are civilized in the East and that the West is full of wild, uncouth cowboys and ne'er-do-wells. Yet these seem to be some of the most principled sorts I've ever met. And Miss Louise, even with all she had been going through, had been the kindest mistress I've ever served.

It occurred to her that she and Louise were more alike than she'd realized. Despite the lifestyle she'd been living, Lousie had been alone in the world. Like her, she had to find her own way, get a job, and provide for herself. If she had lived in New England instead of out west, she very likely could have fallen into housekeeping, just like so many other girls. It still shocked her that this slight woman had posed as a man and worked alongside men, doing their jobs. She hoped one day, Louise would be able to tell her about it herself.

While the girls packed Cara's meager belongings into a couple carpet bags, Jimmy paced in front of the house. Men were not allowed inside and certainly not ones that looked like him. He watched the other men pass by him in suits or working gear but none of them looked like him. He stuck out like a sore thumb in his cowboy boots and hat. People walking by gave him a wide berth. When the two women he'd been waiting on finally emerged from the building, each holding a carpet bag, he was relieved.

"Got everything?" he asked.

Cara nodded but Lou seemed to have something on her mind. "There's something I need to do."

Jimmy carried both carpet bags as they made their way through the city and to the harbor where Jack's sailboat was stored. It was covered in heavy canvas tarps and he wasn't sure that they were going to be able to get on the boat. But Louise knew where to find the harbor crew and how much to pay them to help her open up the boat enough to get into the living quarters. He groused when she told him and Cara to wait outside for her, but he waited as she'd asked, biting back his jealousy.

Below deck, Louise felt remorseful over how she had acted the last time she was here. Heartbroken and angry with no way to fight against Alexander, she had taken it out on the Plain Jane. She looked around and wanted to weep. She'd defaced the one sanctuary that she'd known, the place where she felt like Jack still existed somehow. Snuggling into the bed where they had made love many times she realized it was inside of her that he really lived. In her memories, which she still had. In her womb where pieces of them grew together to make a whole new person.

It was not fair that he would never see his child, or sail around the world, or grow old. "I'm sorry," she said into the ship. "Please forgive me, Jack."

Pulling herself together, she gathered the things she wanted into a small travel bag - Jack's journal, his compass and monocular, one of his thick wool sweaters that smelled like ocean salt and like him. With one last look around the room, she exited the cabin and joined the others back on the docks.

Jimmy saw she carried a bag and knew it must be some of Jack's things, or some of her things that she'd left there, but he doubted she would have come back for just that. She held the bag tight in both hands and her red eyes betrayed her.

"Should we go by the station on the way back. Get tickets for tomorrow?" she asked. She was as desperate to leave this place as he was.

From the train station, they took a coach back to the house. The three of them had walked quite a bit and Louise was exhausted. Even though traveling in the carriage was bumpy, she quickly fell asleep and slumped onto Jimmy, who cradled her as best he could. Cara discreetly watched the two of them. Jimmy was gruff and quick to anger, she noted. But he was quick to melt where Louise was concerned. He was completely devoted to her. She smiled, believing eventually these two would find their way.

"Our train is tomorrow at noon, so pack your shit now." Jimmy threw the stack of tickets onto the kitchen table.

"Jimmy Hickok!"

"Sorry. Rachel, please pack your things so we do not miss our train tomorrow as that would cause me to be extremely pissed off," Jimmy said prissily. She rolled her eyes in reply.

"Someone's awfully grumpy," Teaspoon commented.

Jimmy ignored them both and started rifling through the pantry for something to eat.

"Can you bring something up to Lou, too? She should be eating a lot more than she has been, I think."

Jimmy sighed. "Sure, Rachel."

He was being an ass and he knew exactly why he was being an ass but he couldn't seem to stop himself. He threw together a couple sandwiches, thick with leftover roast chicken, grabbed some jarred pears, and brought them up to Lou's room.

Buck watched his friend walk away, frowning the entire time. He took a seat next to Cara in the parlor and asked "What got into him?"

"Louise wanted to stop at Jack's boat, grab a few things," she told him.

"Jealousy," Colter blurted, taking a seat next to Buck. "Man's got it bad."

Jimmy quietly eased open the door to Lou's room and found her, as he'd expected, sleeping soundly in her bed. She was still fully dressed and splayed out over the covers, clutching a white knit sweater. He placed the food on her nightstand and covered her with a spare blanket before taking a seat at her desk and tucking into his meal. The dime novel still sat on the table. He looked away in disgust and back to Lou. She held the sweater like a child with their security blanket. Somehow, if he wanted a future with this woman, he was going to have to learn to accept this.

"What was Jack like?" Buck asked, ignoring Jake's comment.

"I didn't know him very well," she admitted. "We only spoke a couple times. I got the impression he was a bit of a womanizer, but that kind of stopped once he and Louise, well. I think he must have really loved her to come after like that."

"What about Grayson's power? His glamor?" That's how he remembered Tomasi referring to it.

"That too. But even after Grayson took his memory, Jack came after her. That must mean something."

"I guess it does," Buck agreed.

"I should never have pushed him. I thought he could help Louise but I only helped in getting him killed," she admitted.

"You are not responsible. The only one to blame for all this is Grayson himself." Buck tried to reassure her but he knew that no matter what he said, she would still feel guilty. Still she smiled at his effort and he found himself mesmerized by her sparkling green eyes. He thought they shined like moons against the constellation of her spattering of freckles.

"Must be contagious," Colter muttered before excusing himself.