AN: Sorry for the long wait - I was camping with my family and then at a dog event (lure coursing) which consumed up all of my spare time besides sleeping this past week. I know, I know - I don't need to apologize. But I always feel a little guilty for the sake of myself too, as it's harder to get back to writing after a long time in between. But I'll try my best and finish this chapter that I've had on my computer for a week, staring back at me. I hope you enjoy it!
Chapter 12
Logan stood waiting behind a closed door, hands tucked into his pockets, casually leaning his head and ear against the door in question, hoping to catch a word or two of what Honor and Rory were talking about in the dressing room. He hoped Honor wasn't giving her the third degree, despite her initial friendliness. Logan was also curious about what Rory might say about them. It was better if his sister didn't have too many details, or she was known to mock him mercilessly, even now that they were no longer 10 and 13. But all he heard through that door was some generic mumble, mostly from the mouth of his sister, and he wasn't really able to make out concrete words beyond her chatter.
Truth be told - he was kind of envious of his sister right now. Back in the old days - he would've been right there with Rory, helping her get dressed, or getting ready himself. Rory would fix his tie for him, or he'd zip her up. Sometimes it involved simply watching, and more often than not getting mischievous thoughts. He'd slide his arms around her hips from behind her and kiss her neck. She'd warn him to not mess up her hair or makeup. Sometimes they'd still get carried away, and Rory would end up doing her finishing touches in the car. Dressing rooms had always been their thing, after all.
Suddenly the door handle moved and the bubbly chatter of his sister carried outward, going on about something or other about her daughter.
"You know it's considered rude to eavesdrop," Honor noted.
Logan was caught by surprise, his thoughts having traveled to the fantasy land that had involved their bedroom. For this reason he'd indeed looked a little dreamy, leaning against the door like he'd been listening.
"Just wondering when you two would be ready," Logan commented, and straightened himself.
"Ready as we'll ever be," Honor inhaled, taking a deep tactical breath, and squeezed Logan's arm, not needing to spell it out for her brother how this was a difficult day to get through, even if not in the most traditional sense.
"Are you sure you want me to do this?" Rory hesitated, stepping over the threshold.
She looked radiant. It was not exactly a day when one was supposed to, but it was like even her hesitance and insecurity couldn't hide it. The dress wasn't quite 'her', but Logan couldn't deny that this Dolce & Gabbana dress wasn't a fine example of how Honor had great taste. The Queen Anne neckline accentuated Rory's collarbones and her porcelain skin. If this had been a situation anywhere else, any other time, Logan might've not been able to keep himself this composed.
"You don't have to. I know he wasn't your favorite person…," Logan began, beginning to feel a little guilty for having asked her to.
"You're my favorite person," Rory stopped his words in their tracks, explaining why she was doing this.
Those words made Logan's heart skip a beat. There was just something about the way that he'd said it that provided him both utmost comfort and turned him on. Logan found himself imagining what it would be like to grab the chance and stopped fighting his urges, not caring if this wasn't the moment considered appropriate by most. He could almost remember what it was like to press his lips against hers, slip his tongue against the inside of her lips ever so gently.
The sound of an approaching staff member jolted him out of his daydream.
Logan cleared his throat, feeling awkward having not really replied with anything to her statement. It was a big statement, even if it was perhaps the result of an innocent impulse.
"We better get going," Rory said before he could get a word out.
"Yeah, I guess we should," Logan agreed, and took a decisive step towards the ceremony hall.
Logan couldn't really remember what any of the speeches had said, the entire event having been a numb blur for him. But he did remember the gentle squeeze Rory had given his hand sometime during it. For a moment that had brought him around to reality, almost the same way Rory's touch had worked when he'd been in a haze from all of his pain medication after his accident. Her hand had stayed in his for the remainder of the service, tucked between the two on the bench so as to not draw attention to it. And as far as Logan figured, they were actually successful at it.
Logan knew well enough that something like that shouldn't have made him happy on a day that was supposed to be a day of mourning. But it did. He had to remind himself not to smile.
His father's passing was just an event for him, a beginning of a new era and the end of an old one. An inevitability for someone who'd burned the candle at both ends and believed to be invincible. And it was not like Mitchum had been a young man or someone who was yet to leave his mark. Statistically, it was quite common for someone like Mitchum to experience heart issues so the diagnosis and the outcome were hardly a surprise. And as far as Logan himself was concerned - he was old enough to know he would get over it. It was not like he'd have to 'grow up' without a father any more than he already had. The only loss he could think of was Honor's, and maybe someday his, too, if children would never truly know their grandfather. But he doubted Mitchum would've known how to step into that role anymore than he'd been a father.
As seconds ticked towards the end of the ceremony, Logan's eyes studied the faces around him - not Rory though, feeling it might take a too serious of a turn if he really looked at her. Instead, his eyes landed on his mother. Shira was wearing a weil and sunglasses, but as far as Logan could tell, tears weren't rolling down her eyes either. Logan could've made a bet that within the year, her mother would likely make her secret relationship with her pilates instructor public - he hardly had kept up with her latest affairs, so it could've been someone else by now. Everyone was moving on, and the only wise thing seemed to be that he should too. And that was his every intention. Having Rory there actually made coming to terms with that easier - there was now something graspable he looked forward to. Rebuilding. Rediscovering. Reinvigorating even. But only if he allowed himself to think so. And the odd thing was - it was, in fact, his father that made him want this more than he already did. He didn't just want to live for his first self-made million or whatever else defined his business success. He wanted to want to go home to someone he loved.
But even as he watches some of the people the two of them had once met as a couple whisper about them as they went through the motions at the reception afterwards, Logan still couldn't quite get over his hesitance. It was too good to be true to get another chance at this. A part of him still didn't quite understand it.
"You've been quiet," Rory asked after a long drive back to the City.
"Sorry. Today was, um… tiring," Logan sighed.
"Yeah, I guess it must be hard. You have every right to be in your own bubble, as long as you want," Rory said.
"It's not that. I mean, sure, it's not every day something like this happens. It's just that it's not why I've been thoughtful," Logan replied.
"Anything I can help with?" Rory asked, almost as if thinking this was somehow work related.
Logan exhaled deeply.
"What I want to say… is that I am seeing you. And I'm hearing you. You've been the brave on at this, putting it out there that you want us to try again. I see you making an effort," Logan began, but Rory stopped him.
"But…?" she stretched out the 'u'.
"And even just today I've found myself reminiscing. I mean, it all seems wonderful. And I'm not quite sure what it is. Maybe it's just me not trusting myself enough? My judgment? It has failed me before, right? And with you, too. It all just seems too good to be true. I can just picture us taking the next step, and in some kindergarten version we did already did today," Logan explained, adding a light chuckle, recalling their handholding.
"I hope that was okay?" Rory asked, adding quickly - "I hope you're not taking it as me pushing you or…?" searching for words in a haste.
"No-no, it was fine. It's just… I don't think I trust myself not to make the same mistakes again. It's like you've changed me. And I don't mean to blame you by saying that. It's like I once said about you - it would be something, right away, there'd be no dating - I don't know how to just date you," Logan explained.
"I believe you once said how you were not that kind of guy?" Rory reminded him. "Not that that's what I'm after. I'm not. And I'm not saying we should jump right into some cohabitation scenario, I think we shouldn't do something so major. But I also think it's silly to expect us to go on first dates and pretend we don't know each-other either," Rory added.
"Yeah, that'd be kind of funny, wouldn't it?" Logan mused.
"I don't think I can imagine you holding back, even on a first date," Rory pondered, trying to picture it.
"And I'm not saying we shouldn't try, or try some version of us. I'm just… I guess I just want to understand why unlike before, you're not so ready to jump into this. Why not a month ago? Or why didn't we simply just talk after we broke up. I mean, we could've said our 'sorry's then', couldn't we? I just don't understand why we keep assuming and leaping instead of treating this with more caution," Logan elaborated.
"I told you. I just.. But I was scared to look you up, too. I was scared to find out, you'd moved on.. And I'd made a horrible mistake," Rory explained.
"So it isn't just because of the person I am now - one that doesn't come with my family's baggage? I mean, of course there's the name, but as you saw today - my life is pretty much separate from them now," Logan replied. Today had indeed been a fine example of the Huntzberger clan, excluding Honor and Josh, almost entirely ignoring Logan. Sure, looks and whispers had been there - but nothing more.
"You were going to do things on your own back then as well, weren't you?" Rory reminded him.
"Yeah, but that was still different. I was just without the company's support behind my back. Now it's everything. What I don't get it - is your interest in me as unconditional as you say it is? Do you only want this when it's just me Logan, a regular guy off the street, without a penny to my back, without my baggage? It's almost like I needed to change into someone else for you to be on board with this," Logan clarified.
"Ah?...," was all that Rory managed to get out, being too shocked by the accusation.
Logan couldn't tell whether it was the suddenness of it or the fact that it indeed hit a little close to home, that was stopping her from explaining herself.
"Because I don't know how I feel about this, if that's the case," Logan stated, having not realized he felt so strongly about this.
"That's not what this is!" Rory defended herself. "At least I don't think… I've never even thought of it like that… Sure it makes things easier in some ways, but it's not like I've never enjoyed the luxuries you came with. Sure, first it felt really weird, but then it just became a part of being with you. Now, sure - it's been an adjustment, but it's not like we've never slept on my bedroom floor in Stars Hollow to save some money before and then go out with Finn and forget all about our frugal selves?" she tried to continue to discuss.
"Or is it about who's career is at the forefront? Last time I got the impression you didn't want to be known as my plus one, in whatever format, rather than for your own success? Is that really so important to you?" Logan inquired.
"Of course, I don't want to become invisible. I didn't then, and I don't want that now. But for all I know this internship could be my peak. It doesn't guarantee a job like it used to. It's a different world. Or maybe, I don't know, I'll get pregnant and that'll turn everything upside down. There's no guarantee of what'll happen," Rory continued.
The thought of her even mentioning pregnancy sounded so odd to Logan. More real, certainly, than ever before. It wasn't anymore something in the far distant future, but it could really be something one considered in a five year plan. And Rory was very known to have such plans, even if they were only in her head. Did she really want a child with him? He didn't know whether to feel honored or terrified at that thought.
"But would it be okay if whatever you're doing isn't on the forefront? Would it bother you if you were known as my plus one?" Rory asked, turning things around on him. Logan remembered her feminist debates - they were great fun, again reminding him of their past entertaining arguments.
"I don't see why not?" Logan shrugged. But he had to admit to himself that he hadn't really considered the possibility. He and also his father had always been well-known business men, and it was almost expected the role of a wife was to support whatever career he had going. It was odd, that format was so engraved into his mind. He didn't want it to be there, but nevertheless - it was.
"Okay," Rory said, almost sounding disappointed.
"So you're sure, you want this?" Logan asked, after some thought, needing her to say it.
"Hey - this is not me saying my vows or anything or trying to hint at us to do anything related to it, but at the lack of a better phrase - I'm in it for richer or poorer," Rory insisted.
"And in sickness and health?" Logan added, finding some humor in it.
They had no clue how to start dating without jumping into things. But tentatively, they parted ways that evening with an agreement to go for dinner in a couple of days.