As usual all speech in italics is in the Old Tongue.

Chapter LXXXIII- Bennae Gets a Surprise

One evening Taija was sat with Bennae in her room drinking tea together. One of the few pleasures left to her in life.

After a pause in their discussion about the differences between how novices and initiates were taught Bennae frowned slightly. "I had been meaning to bring this up some time ago, but I had hoped it would not be necessary. What is going on between you and Tel Janin? You have been ever so cagey about him ever since I first asked and it is clearly making you miserable."

Taija tried to keep her face calm, channel her inner Moiraine. "What do you think is going on? If you're asking me you must think you know something."

"Not bad my dear, you are improving, but you are a long way off the Tower aes sedai yet." Bennae smiled. "Still, I shall indulge you. The two of you clearly have a great deal of history and the way you look at him worries me."

Taija sighed, "well Tel is from my time too. Obviously."

Bennae nodded, of course she'd worked that out.

"His route here was a bit different though." Taija hesitated. "Until a year ago he was known as Sammael." She paused for Bennae's gasp.

The aes sedai just smiled faintly. "Yes, well I suppose there were only two possibilities, that or one of these stasis boxes you've mentioned." Taija tried not to scowl too hard at Bennae's refusal to be surprised. "The real question is, why is he still alive? You do not strike me as particularly forgiving when it comes to darkfriends. Why is he here?"

Taija seriously considered telling her to piss off or that it was too painful to talk about, but maybe she should just talk. She hadn't really talked about this with anyone and she did trust Bennae. Back in her time, when she'd had friends, they'd have been able to talk together, cry together and get her back on track. Here it was just Taija, but maybe it didn't have to be.

Taija took a moment to think. "I'll explain, but I'll need to tell you the whole story. From the beginning. It's… more than painful for me to talk about it, so don't interrupt me. Please. If I stop I might not start again." She took a deep breath. "I first met Tel around ten years before the War started. He was very well known around the world as an athlete and a politician. I was a… leading scholar. One of our friends introduced us."

She went on to tell Bennae about her relationship with Tel, introducing him to her family, moving in with him, the War, training together, working out ways to fight and kill. Taija brushed over the most painful bits, how deeply she felt for him, the death of her family, the start of the War, but she told Bennae enough, all the way through to her last night with him, when they got engaged.

"So he went to the Shadow because you died?"

"No!" Taija's vehemence surprised her. "Yes? Maybe? I don't know. I… I just… it's not my fault." The last words were a mumble.

"Taija dear, of course it is not your fault. No one could blame you for the actions of a man. But he had his reasons and it seems he also returned to the Light because of you. If he truly has."

"He has. He must have. He's done so much. Risked his life, saved me, saved Rand. He could have sabotaged the cleansing. He could have killed us all."

"Tell me more, I tend to think you are too trusting my dear. What has he done that can make you say that?"

Taija slowly, painfully recounted what she'd learned. The things Tel had told her, the things she'd worked out. "I even tested him with a false binding rod, uh oath rod. I made an illusion of it and asked him to swear that he was loyal to the Light and would obey me until the Last Battle. He knows the thing would cut his lifespan in half, but he didn't protest, he was willing."

Bennae twitched. "It does? I mean you did? Fascinating. I suppose his usefulness kept him alive at first and now he has established a degree of trust."

Taija sighed, "Yes. I think his return to the Light is genuine, but…"

"But you still cannot fully trust or forgive him. Yes, that is more than understandable. For everyone else his betrayal was abstract, for you it was personal." She suddenly changed tack. "You do know how he looks at you, when you're not looking?"

"No?"

"Like a man who is in love but knows he will never have what he wants."

Taija scowled deeply. "Well he did a good job of ensuring that."

Bennae gave her a gentle smile. "Of course, but how do you feel about him? Truly?"

"I don't know… At first I hated him more than I've ever hated anyone in the world, now I'm just… tired. I have to work with him every day. I'm reminded of everything we had whenever I see him. We work so well together, I depend on him now and he's always there when I need him. If he wasn't here I'd have cracked weeks ago, but him being here is also making me want to go and hide in a corner and cry and it just keeps coming back to that. That it's how it should be, but it's all wrong and I just can't stop thinking about it! Sometimes I just want to throw myself at him and have him tell me everything will be alright. Others I want to beat him into a pulp for what he's done. I trust he's returned to the Light, at least consciously, but I still wake up gasping with terror because of nightmares. Happy dreams where we're together again or we were never apart. Then he tells me he'd always been dark and I'm a naive idiot. Fooling me in my time and now fooling me again, just waiting for to lower my guard!"

"When he was restored to the title of aes sedai he said all he really wanted was to see me happy again and for fuck's sake I actually believe him, but he's the cause of so much pain and not just for me. Every time I see him it just reminds me of how every single person who could really understand is dead and… I'm just… I'm just so lonely…" She suddenly choked off a sob.

It had all come out in a rush and Taija felt her cheeks heat, she'd said far more than she meant to and potentially insulted her friend. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that," she muttered, looking down.

"Taija dear, you really are a mess." Bennae gave her hand a squeeze. "I am so sorry. It is hard to know what to say. My advice… You are lost in this past of yours. You need to think about yourself in the present. I do not mean the problems, but focusing on finding your own happiness now. What will be will be, but you need to look after yourself. Forget about Tel, forget about what happened. Focus on yourself." She looked Taija in the eyes and emphasised her words. "You are allowed to be happy. Duty is important, but it is not everything. You have what, another 150 years of life in you? Think about what will make you happy and then do it. Worry about Tel once you have made yourself happy."

It was good advice, but Taija's contrarian side insisted she had to correct Bennae. It also let Taija avoid acknowledging that she was right. "Closer to 600 years." Taija muttered.

"Excuse me?" Finally Bennae looked surprised at something! Although Taija wasn't sure why.

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It wasn't long after her conversation with Bennae that Taija Traveled to Caemlyn for her first teaching session at Rand's new school.

Looking over the disparate group of individuals seated in front of her she resisted the urge to grin too widely. "Hello, my name is Taija Kosola Miranen, but you can call me Professor Kosola." Damn it felt good to call herself that again.

Taija paused. "First we're going to get to know each other. Then I'm going to start on the scientific method. I'll begin with a general overview and then in future sessions we'll get into more depth on specific aspects." As she talked she pondered whether she could persuade Rand to call the place a university.

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After the class Taija was in the best mood she'd been in for quite a while. It was a bit too close to teaching undergraduates, but actually she missed even that. She'd spent more time than she probably should have excitedly planning the class and then once she was delivering it everything just came together so well. Bennae had told her she needed to be happier. Well that made her happier, no question. Even the fact that it was Tel's idea didn't taint it.

That was why Taija had a bounce in her step as she headed over to see Rand off. He was going away for one of his new 'outreach' missions. Apparently it was a combination of his, Moiraine and Morgase's thinking that he should be going and establishing relations with other nations. Demonstrating his power and offering both a carrot and stick. Andor was an example, they didn't need to be conquered by him, they could choose to support him and this was the route towards it.

Taija's contribution to the idea was that he would take Hall aes sedai or initiates with him. They could provide services in the kingdoms he visited and raise the prestige, or even just awareness, of the Hall at the same time. The Tower sedai sat around and did nothing. The Hall could offer powerful channelers with healing, or building skills or who could transport people. It would buy influence and raise questions about why the Tower was so useless.

This time Rand was heading off with only full aes sedai, both Hall and Tower, plus his coterie of maidens, but once the initiates had progressed enough and Taija, Tel and Rand had decided it was safe she'd send them with him. There were already so many demands on the aes sedai's time and it would be good experience for the initiates.

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"Taija sedai." Taim bowed politely.

"Mazrim, thank you for dropping by." Taija gave him a slightly shallower bow of her own. "Please, have a seat. Can I get you some tea? I also have wine if you would prefer?"

"Thank you, tea would be fine." He still had a bit of a sardonic smirk on his face, but his tone was at least respectful. Actually Taija was starting to wonder whether it was just the way his face was rather than a deliberate expression. As he took a seat she poured him a cup of tea and made one for herself.

Since the beating she'd administered he'd been behaving himself. There'd been no open disrespect to any aes sedai. Not even Bennae, although his feelings towards the Tower sedai were clear. Taija could live with that, he didn't have to like them, just not be rude to them. He'd even started interacting with the initiates in a more normal way and the basic classes on channeling had been good for him.

After some quick pleasantries, Taija got to the meat of the matter. "So, Mazrim, where do you see this going? What do you want from this…?" She gestured vaguely around herself.

To his credit he stopped to think for a few seconds before he replied. "I want… I think what I truly want is to be able to live in peace. Without the threat of the aes sedai or of the Shadow looming over me. To be strong enough that I can defend myself from anyone who wants to take that away from me."

Taija nodded. "I can understand that as a goal. Although the Shadow won't be leaving any of us in peace until the Last Battle has been won." He winced slightly. "Regardless, stay here, keep progressing as you have been and you'll have nothing to fear from the Tower aes sedai."

She didn't trust him as far as she could throw him. Which, given their respective sizes, wasn't very far at all. The man had a hunger for power. However, better to have him on the inside of the tent pissing out. He was behaving himself, contributing to the Hall and people did change. Not as fast as he was pretending, but over time. If he kept on pretending for long enough, one day he might get out of bed and realise he meant it.

Taim nodded and Taija continued. "I think that there's a lot you could contribute too. Why don't we discuss what you'd be able to teach." Hopefully status as a teacher would satisfy him for now. It wasn't realistic to hold the man at the level of an initiate, but equally until Taija was more sure of him she had no intention of teaching him more advanced techniques. An external teacher was a respectable and honoured position. She wasn't a Tower aes sedai, not everyone had to be aes sedai to be important.

"Begin." Taija watched as the group of six initiates started to move.

She followed after them, keeping a safe distance. On the other side of the copse Taija knew Egwene was waiting on top of a small mound. It was quite funny actually, a year or so ago it was Egwene and the others trying to get to Taija while she sat on a hill. Now Egwene was the one up there, waiting.

The initiates had split into two groups of three. Mixing genders in both. One group was jogging round the back of the trees, it looked like they were going to try to flank Egwene. The other was much more slowly and carefully making its way towards the edge of the copse where they'd be able to see her. The women had masked their channeling with inverted, tied off webs, although they wouldn't be able to invert the webs in active combat. Not at their skill level.

Their tactics weren't bad actually, they were certainly doing better than the first try from Taija's own group back in Tear, although they didn't have anywhere near the same raw strength available to them. As they moved in, Taija ambled out into the open to watch, careful not to look anywhere in particular and risk giving their strategy away to Egwene.

Nothing happened for a little while, Taija could see Egwene was starting to get a bit antsy. Technically if she got bored enough she was allowed to go looking for them, but since it was the initiates' first time Taija caught Egwene's eye and shook her head.

Fortunately it wasn't too long after that that the attack started. The three hiding in the copse lashed out with the Power. Eben, Inalle and Verava. Taija was fairly sure they were deliberately making a bigger, cruder display than they needed to. Egwene responded immediately. Webs of saidar flying out, their webs vanishing in mid air. One of her webs touched Verava who stiffened and then stood up, her hands in the air, and began to retreat. A moment later Eben did the same, although Taija didn't see a web. Good going for Egwene, inverting under stress, she'd really come on well.

Still… Taija made a note to remind Egwene that she should have used the inverted web on the women not the man. It was a useful challenge for Egwene to be doing this too. Six on one wasn't easy numbers to overcome, even with the relative inexperience of the initiates.

Before Egwene could tag Verava the flanking group attacked. Jaer and Jahar must have taken the lead there because Taija didn't see the webs, but Egwene was suddenly defending franticly. Saidar was added to the attackers' mix as Gwenora joined in. An excellent ambush, Egwene should have anticipated it better. She knew there were six of them. However, she did get some points for being ready enough that the invisible saidin webs didn't actually connect with her, even if they came close.

Jaer was moving as he spun. However, the other two were stood in the open, focused on Egwene. It was a matter of seconds before she'd removed them both from the exercise. Then it was just her, Jaer and Verava. Despite his almost acrobatic evasion, Jaer simply didn't have the strength to stop her and neither did Verava. With the two of them fighting alone against Egwene it didn't take her long to finish things off.

Exercise done, Taija clapped her hands together, using a web to amplify the sound before she spun gateways to bring everyone back together. Time for a debrief. The initiates would be asked to critique themselves first. Then to comment on Egwene's own actions, respectfully of course. Then she could give them feedback. Taija would fill in the gaps as needed. No stupid hierarchy here. If someone had a good idea then it should be listened to whatever their rank.