Chapter 5

A few days later, somewhere else

Sirius Black was many things in his short life, a pureblood, a Black, even the Black heir for a time, he had been a proud Gryffindor, taking bravery into recklessness more than once to the point of risking someone's life. He was arrogant, cocky, to a point where his attitude got him in troubles more than not but he was aware enough to realise it was a mask, a way to deal with the world, or more likely not deal with it. If people avoided him, it was easier. Most people wanted him for his last name, even now that he was disowned the name still attracted desperate witches and wizards, sometimes it was even because he was disowned and they wanted the bad boy, the blood traitor. It left him feeling hollow with a need to run away and hide from the world.

He was also an Auror, while he didn't need to work despite being disowned thanks to the inheritance of his Uncle Alphard, he wanted to help, he wanted to be an active part of the war effort and help take down dark witches and wizards, even knowing he might be up against his family at some point or others people he had known, even people he might have loved. He had followed his best friend, and almost brother, into Auror training and hadn't regretted it once. The work gave purpose to his life, something he had always been lacking despite the years being trained into being the future Lord Black. He had known then and he did now, that path was never for him.

He had ran away from his home, his parents and his brother when he was 16 years old. It was either run or be Marked against his will as his mother made sure to give him a clear ultimatum, so he placed everything he deemed important into his trunk in the middle of the night and fled to the Potters. It has been a hard decision, but also a great relief when he was accepted without conditions at Potter Manor.

He had been disowned the next day, and he never regretted it.

While being an Auror did help the war effort, it wasn't enough and Sirius had joined the Order of the Phoenix as soon as he could once he had graduated Hogwarts, he had been joined by his three best friends and many other people he knew. They often duelled Death Eaters, especially now as Voldemort seemed to go into public more often and his followers as well, although they were often behind masks. The movement had become public and the war had truly started. So far Sirius hadn't lost anyone he loved to the war, and he tried to live in his own little bubble of denial where the war wasn't truly real and bad things only happened to those who deserved it, a denial where life was fair.

Tonight, it was the Order that had him out of his flat and willingly mingling with people beyond his boyfriend and close friends, they were meeting at Potter Manor to go over any new intel and next missions. He was lost in thoughts and had stopped following the conversation when the voice of Moody broke his trance. As his Auror mentor, he always reacted to him and became alert immediately. Therefore, Sirius sat up straight and listened, knowing Moody wasn't someone to ramble uselessly.

"We have another Death Eater confirmed dead. Confirmed by his mother and Malfoy junior as having died, our intel tells us he was on a mission for Voldemort, Regulus Black died last week." Moody announced to the room and his eyes fell to Sirius with a look of pity as his face drained of all colours. The blood rushing in his ears drowned the cheers of people he knew, classmates and peers, who were happy and cheering his brother was dead and didn't even hide it from him, celebrating the death of another monster.

"No, no, no, no, not him, no." Sirius muttered as he stood up and let his chair drop to the floor.

He didn't hear anyone, his vision tunnelled while his eyes burned and he fled the room on autopilot. He walked to the front door and left the Manor, descending the gravel path until he had crossed the gate. Once away from the wards, he apparated to Grimmauld Place. He may have been disowned but he was still a Black and the blood wards couldn't actually keep him away.

He re-appeared directly in the tapestry room and looked frantically around until his eyes found it.

Regulus Arcturus Black

13 April 1961 - 7 July 1979

Sirius fell to his knees in front of the tapestry, his hands scratching at his brother's picture, his name and the date of his death written in front of his eyes, woven into the forest green tapestry with silver thread. His face staring back at him, eerily similar to his own. The picture updated with the person and Sirius could see Regulus had let his hair grow to his shoulders, making them look like twins and that idea, the hope that Regulus was trying to be like him broke something deep in his soul.

He finally let go of everything he had been holding back and let himself cry freely while staring helplessly at his little brother's face who was smirking back at him. He screamed, cursing the Universe, any Gods he could think of, his mother and Voldemort, finally he cursed himself.

The room seemed to close in around him, the walls suffocating him with memories of a family he had tried so hard to escape. But he couldn't escape this, couldn't run from the fact that his little brother, the boy he had once sworn to protect, was gone. His nails clawed at the delicate silver threads as if trying to pull Regulus back from the clutches of death, as if tearing the fabric could rewrite fate.

He didn't notice the small elf who hovered at the threshold, clenching his fists to make sure he remained silent and respected Master Regulus' orders, he didn't see the elf leaving with glassy eyes, and nail marks on his palms.

He continued screaming, crying, scratching and pounding the wall to let out the rage he felt against the unfairness of it all. He loved Reggie, he loved his little brother. He had spent years protecting him from their parents, taking curses and hexes for him so he would suffer less. Distracting their mother so she would target him instead of Reggie. He hadn't been enough, and his little brother had suffered anyway but he had tried. The scars on his body were proof of that, he only wanted to protect him, love him.

Sirius finally closed his eyes and let his body fall down against the wall, his hands were bloodied, his face was puffy and red, his eyes were bloodshot and his head was filled with rage, a heavy weight settling against his heart. The tapestry showed no signs of his abuse and Regulus' name and dates still shone in silver as if they were glowing against the dark green of the tapestry, while his face looked concerned with a small frown.

The silence of the empty house offered no comfort, only the cold reminder that he was alone. He collapsed onto the floor, curling into himself as his tears soaked into the forest green carpet. The world outside continued to spin, indifferent to his pain, but in that moment, all Sirius could feel was the gaping void where his brother should have been and the weight of the guilt crushing him where he laid.

The ache in his chest was unbearable, a raw, searing wound that no magic could heal. And as the darkness closed in around him, he whispered his brother's name one last time, a desperate plea for forgiveness, for understanding, for anything. But there was no answer, only the cold, unfeeling silence of a life torn apart by war and an empty house filled with memories of a family he escaped, only to condemn his little brother to death as he left into the night.

He didn't know how long he had been there, but he heard his mother come in as the front door opened and closed and the sounds of high heels on wooden floor was heard, and apparated away. He hadn't even thought about her when coming in, she was likely somewhere playing the grieving mother, planning a funeral he couldn't attend, preparing to bury her youngest son with crocodile tears and already formulating a plan to make sure the Black name could continue some other way.

Walburga Black was a monster, the bogeyman of his childhood, the one who hexed him, cursed him. She often used the Cruciatus curse, he would jump into the nasty yellow beam every time she tried to use it on Reggie. He hadn't been enough, he knew he wasn't always there, always close enough.

He had been away a whole year, at Hogwarts without Reggie and he knew how bad her mother had taken his sorting into Gryffindor. He realised now he hadn't even thought about what she would to his little brother in retaliation and to make sure he wouldn't try to imitate his older brother.

He had apparated back to his flat, taken a firewhiskey bottle from the cupboard and started drinking directly from it. He was laying down on the worn out couch, his clothes dishevelled, his hands covered in his own blood, his face still muddied by tear tracks and holding a half empty bottle when the door opened and Remus Lupin came in.

"Oh Sirius." Remus whispered and slowly came in, sat down next to him on the couch, putting his head on his lap and running through his long black hair.

"I didn't even ask him to come with me you know, I just left in the middle of the night without saying goodbye." Sirius started talking, his voice hoarse.

"I escaped and I left him there. I didn't even think about him, I just left, I didn't try to even help him.

I spent my whole childhood trying to protect him, trying to shield him from the worst of mother's temper. Then I left him all alone to go to Hogwarts and never even thought about what it meant for him. He was alone for a year, no one to protect him and mother was probably worse than usual because she was so disappointed in me!

I wrote him off when he was sorted into Slytherin, decided right then he was following our parents' orders willingly, he was eleven years old Remus and I didn't even give him the benefit of the doubt!

He never started any fights, he never insulted anyone, he was quiet. We barely spoke at Hogwarts, and it was even worse at home. Mother kept comparing us, telling me how better Regulus was and I started to resent him!

He was a kid, he had no choice. If I didn't have James, I would have stayed too. I left without goodbye, I haven't talked to him in four years and now he's dead!

Reggie is dead, and I could have taken him with me when I left but I didn't and now he's dead!" Sirius exclaimed and starting choking on his own sobs while Remus remained silent, one hand running through his hair and the other trying to soothe him running up and down his side.

"I wasn't enough, I tried to protect him but I gave up so early, I let him down when he needed me. He was my little brother, he needed me and I walked out, pretended I hated him to make ignoring him easier. I loved him, I loved him Remus and now he died, he died on Voldemort's fucking orders. He was barely 18 and he died.

I didn't even say goodbye." Sirius finished on a murmur.

"I'm so sorry love." Remus murmured back, knowing there was not much he could do to make Sirius feel better. While Remus never had siblings, he had seen the longing looks Sirius would shoot Regulus when he thought no one was looking. He had seen the stricken look on his face when Moody had announced he had been Marked at a meeting months ago. That night, Sirius had drank a full bottle of firewhiskey and cried in total silence. He remembered then that just before he fell asleep, Sirius had whispered "I wasn't enough." likely more to himself than to him.

While the death of his father, Orion, earlier this year had shook him, it wasn't even close to this. He had never been close to the man, who was a father in name more than anything, barely talking to his own sons.

His little brother was different, Sirius had made it his mission to protect him before he was even 5 years old.

Regulus had been the youngest Death Eater ever Marked, Moody had said, not even 18 years old yet and not even graduated from Hogwarts. He had died before he could even live.

Remus sighed and took Sirius in his arms, bridal style, and walked him to their bedroom. He took off his shoes, socks, jeans and shirt. He had to pry the bottle away from his finger despite the fact it was empty and Sirius was asleep. He tucked him below the covers and laid down next to him once he had taken off his clothes, he dragged Sirius into his arms, hugging him as close to him as possible, tucking his head against his neck. He was shaking, and crying still.

"It's going to be okay Padfoot, I promise you." Remus whispered.