Chapter 36
"Nice punching skills". I tell him, throwing my jacket on one of the pillars as we return inside the Tardis.
He looks at me, confused. "I learned from Primo Carnera. Look him up". He gives me the fakest of smiles.
"Before", I start, reaching him at the console "When we were in Ritter's office, you took the canister" I say. "You were ready to save Jack's memory".
He slams a console lever, harder than necessary, then turns around. "Allons-y! Back to Donna's".
"Doctor".
He sighs. "Really, next time Donna says she's popping home for a visit, remind me to stay and have tea with them". Of course he changes the subject. "Blimey, this whole trip was a total mess".
"The thing is", I start. "The thing is I thought it really made me a Time Lord, you know? all those lessons, and studying... and I finally made something with Time lord technology. And look where it's taken us. All of us".
"There's whole planets, aaaaall dedicated to the afternoon tea. There's a few where they only have breakfast. Breakfast! Their only meal. Outstanding cakes", he says. I know he's nervous, when he does that.
"Doctor, speak to me", I repeat. "Please".
"On PJ247, all they do is eat breakfast and nap all day. Can you imagine that? Greatest place for a relaxing holiday, but we don't like that, do we?".
I look at the lights on the ceiling of the console room, frustrated. I stride away, possibly trying to make my way to- the library? The kitchen? A bedroom where I can slam my face in the pillow and muffle scream like Lilo and her sister Nani?, when the Doctor grabs my arm, pulls me to him and hugs me so tight that I almost can't breathe.
My arms are stiff by my side, caught by surprise, and as I feel his breath on my shoulder, I relax, and turn around facing him, and I return the hug, throwing my arms around his shoulders.
We stay like that for a moment. I close my eyes, feeling the weight of the long day that today was, finally lifting. He pulls back a little, strokes my cheek. "Zoe", he says, softly. "What you said to the Master, that was… incredibly reckless, and stupid, and… brave, and I'm so proud of you", he hugs me again. "Oh, but I thought I was losing you. If he… If he did that, you would be gone. Gone from the universe, gone from my memory, gone forever", his voice comes muffled from between my cheek and my neck. He pulls back again. "Why would you do that?".
I look into his ancient eyes. He's not holding back. I start to cry. "I didn't know what else to do". I think. "I… Doctor, those drums. It's awful. It's… do you know what it's like? To be inside his mind, with… all this power over him, and not be able to spare him that pain? That torture? He… I really wanted to help him".
He stares at me for what feels like forever. "You are remarkable, Zoe", he says, smiling.
"You don't even realize it yet. But you did save him", he nods. "Now he's going to wake up, and at some point he will run into Chloe, and at the back of his mind, a faint, unconscious memory of you, out of context, will tell him that that girl is important, and he will hide into the innocent sweet professor Yana. Because of you".
"I almost kissed him", I say, unintentionally aloud. I feel both guilty and regretful that it didn't happen, that I still don't know what that feels like. "He will kill and torture all those people, and I… almost kissed him. What's wrong with me?". I shiver, thinking again at the horrible year that never was. The Doctor's absentminded smirk makes me think he's actually done worst, already. "But still", I say. "If I stopped him, all that could not happen in his future. My life… how can I put my life in front of all that's happened that year? Before all the suffering everyone's been through". Martha. And her family. And Jack. But especially, the Doctor.
He looks up, closing his eyes, then looks at me again, his arms still holding me, his hands on my waist. "That's a morbid calculation, Zoe", he says. "Don't do that. I thought I lost you, but you're still here. Because you believed in him, and you were right. What happened today, the way he let go in your hands, that was… that was something important".
I stay silent. He almost never talks about him, I want to know what he's feeling without interrupting his thoughts.
He steps back, starts circling the console. "All my life, I've known that man. He comes and goes, always a different face. Master of disguise, and yet always him. His family… they were not nice. Cold, ambitious, the worst snobs of them all. But him, he just wanted to be free. A true, pure anarchist. But his search for freedom was always unhinged, never stopping in front of anything. Or anyone. And we started disagreeing, first, then arguing, then properly fighting. There's no other person in the universe who's able to drive me angry like him. So, he thinks I'm his worst enemy, but I really would just want my mate back". His eyes shine with tears, he wipes them quickly, almost ashamed. "And you, you were there today, and for a moment I saw my mate again".
That's why he pretended not to care, then. His anger, his frustration at him is just really trying to find a sparkle of that lost friend. It must have been a real effort on his part, to let me mostly handle him, only stepping in at the last minute to protect me when he felt I was in danger.
"How was Chloe?", I ask.
"All went well", he shakes his head. "That thing you said about the drums though, it got me thinking. I felt so sorry for her, all that's coming. The role she will play… and…", he thinks, looking at the lights from the energy in the power core of the console.
"All this time, she was just a pawn. She will be. I always wondered why her- why he made me from her. And now, to find out he met me first, that's… unexpected".
"Your very own paradox", he says, bitterly.
I shiver at the words, but he's right.
He smiles. I cringe internally. He was so worried about losing me, and now I don't want to, but I think I still have to go. I'm buying time now.
He looks at me, his eyes piercing into mine. "What is it?".
I remember something. "When we were in Pompeii, Doctor. The soothsayer giving us prophecies. I didn't know what it was about until the Master showed up today".
He stares at me, suspicious.
"She told you", I take a deep breath. "She told you she is returning".
"Didn't we have this conversation already?".
"I think I saw Rose, Doctor. Twice now".
He stops and groans. "What are you talking about?".
"It was just a flash, in a… telly. But it was her. And I saw her a long time ago too, when Donna first joined us in the Tardis, I saw her".
"Don't be ridiculous. You're imagining things".
"I am not. It was her. I think she's trying to come back to you".
He slams something on the console. "Why are you bringing this up now?".
"It.. it just happened, I-".
"What? You run into your lost… bond mate, so you feel like setting me up too? You know. You can go have all the adventures you want by yourself with the Master, or Captain Jack, or that train bloke, whatever. Don't have to worry about me".
Oh boy, I've gotten him angry again. It's a simple unspoken rule, why can't I just follow it? Do. Not. Bring. Up. Rose. Tyler.
And also. "What train bloke?".
"The one on the train. The Snowpiercer".
"Edgar?".
"Not that one, the other. His friend who you led to the front of the train. Who became their leader".
What is he going about now? "You and I went to the front of the train. There was one guy, and his name was Edgar, and he didn't even like me very much. What does that have to do with…" I groan. "And I'm the one imagining things? Anyway, don't you see, Doctor? We thought we came here on a whim, and not only we run into Jack, and Chloe, the Master is here too, and that's how my story begins. And I catch a glimpse of Rose, it means she could really be looking for you. This convergence of timelines, I refuse to believe it's just a random coincidence".
"Enough, Zoe".
"But think about it. If she's trying to reach you, wouldn't it make sense that her message came through right here, right now?".
"Then why would her message reach you?" He screams. "And not-", he sighs, not finishing the sentence.
"I know", I scream back, sparing him from saying the last word, but my voice breaks to him, easing down. "But why would I make that up?".
He looks at me softly now, I hope he gets where I'm coming from, that I'm not trying to dig up the past to hurt him.
"I'm sorry I lost my temper", he says. Still not used to him apologizing. "Sometimes I feel like you're just trying to pick a fight with me so I have a reason to send you away".
I stay silent, watching him.
"We've been through this before, haven't we? If you want to go, really, you don't have to make excuses. And it's not-", he pauses.
"I'm not making excuses", I repeat. "I'm just telling you what I saw".
He ignores my remark. "-and it's not because I don't trust you, I just… I wish you just wanted to stay. But… look. If you want to go, I have no reason or excuse to force you to stay", he sighs.
"Force me to stay? But I don't want to go away!" I groan, gesturing.
"Fine!", he groans, gesturing to mock me.
"Fine!", I repeat, but I can't help but start smiling.
He walks closer, his hands on my shoulders, then quietly pulls me closer, slowly, and hugs me. I throw my hands around his back.
I smile. "Can we go have tea with Donna's granddad now? Please?".
He giggles. He doesn't like domestics, I know, neither do I, but I love granddads, and I feel like he likes Donna's too. Maybe it's because I keep forgetting how much older than me he is? I mean isn't the Doctor some kind of granddad too? All that history, all the things he's seen and he's been through. Wilf too is a veteran of war, and he is kind and cares about others. He's sweet, too, definitely sweeter than the Doctor. When I was a child, at one point me and my brother we stayed with a family, and their granddad lived with them. It was lovely. Visiting Wilf reminds me of those times.
"Sure we can".
When we knock, Wilf comes to the door. Behind him, Donna is yelling with her mum.
"You space gang better take off fast", Wilf warns us, nodding at them.
"Byee", Donna says, almost pushing us out. "Time machine? You left me there for hours", she complains, twirling her fingers for emphasis, as we step back to the Tardis.
"Donna, that's where you live", the Doctor points out.
"Yeah, you dumbo", she glares.
We all turn and wave to Wilf, who's keeping an eye on us as we enter the Tardis.
"Right. So where to now, Time Lords? History? Planet? Oh come on, let's go!", she says, pushing us around the console and placing our hands on levers.
"Doctor?", an inquisitive voice comes from one of the corridors leading to the console room. A very familiar voice.
"Who's that?", Donna asks.
I look at the Doctor, he looks at me.
"Ooooh, I got it now", he says.
I smile, nodding.
He comes closer, his fingers trail from my shoulder to my neck, softly pulling out the chain of my necklace, holding the replica of the chameleon pendant and the Tardis key.
"You don't want to leave, but you have to", he whispers. I smile, looking down. I can't hold his gaze, I don't want to look into his eyes, but he lifts my chin so I have to. I pull my sleeve up, showing him the line of dots on my wrist. He traces the line with his finger." Of course".
"Seriously, are we just ignoring that somebody just called you? From inside the Tardis?", Donna insists.
I nudge the psychic link, trying to stop him from wondering how many of those dots he's already marked, and where and when he will mark the rest of those.
"Blimey", His face turns into a grimace. "Human Zoe".
"Oi!", I push him, joking.
"Oi!", he laughs, pushing me back.
"What's going on?", Donna asks, confused.
My Time ring is glowing. "Don't be strangers, you two", I wink before vanishing away.