Chapter 42
He switches mood when we get in. "And off we go!", he says, enthusiastic.
Blue Doctor has already got everyone at the console - it's nice to see those many pilots on the Tardis, for once - so we dematerialize just before the whole Crucible explodes.
"But what about Earth, it's still stuck in the wrong part of space".
"Zoe's on it. Right?".
"Torchwood hub, this is the Tardis, are you receiving us?".
"Loud and clear", a smiling Gwen appears on the screen, the Doctor appears on my side. "Nice job on the time lock, Zoe".
"It's Tosh's legacy. She did most of the work", I admit, smiling - I'm so happy to see they made it out alive.
"Is Jack there?", Gwen asks.
The Doctor answers. "Can't get rid of him", he jokes, then turns to me, "Zoe, what's her name?", then nods to Rose to come by his side.
"Gwen Cooper", Jack answers, beaming.
"Tell me, Gwen Cooper, are you from an old Cardiff family"?", he asks, puzzled, inviting Rose to the screen.
"Yes", she replies, curious, "all the way to the eighteen hundred".
"Aaah, thought so. Spatial genetic multiplicity", he smiles.
"Oh, yeah", Rose adds.
"Yeah, it's a funny old world. Now, Torchwood, I want you to open up that rift Manipulator. Send all the power to the Tardis".
Ianto shows up on screen. "Doing it now, sir".
"What's that for?", Gwen asks.
"It's a tow rope. Now then, Sarah, what was your son's name?".
"Luke! He's called Luke. And the computer is mr. Smith", she says.
I leave it to the Doctor to instruct Luke and the speaking computer to harness the rift power and loop it around the Tardis so we can, effectively, bring planet Earth to its original place.
The Doctor gives instructions to everyone. "Now then, you lot. Sarah, hold that down. Mickey, you hold that. Because you know why this Tardis always is always rattling about the place? Rose? That, there. It's designed to have six pilots, and Zoe and I always have to do it short staffed -Martha, keep that level- But not any more. Jack, there you go. Steady that. Now we can fly this thing… -No, Jackie. No, no. Not you. Don't touch anything. Just stand back- …like it's meant to be flown. We've got the Torchwood Rift looped around the Tardis by Mister Smith, and we're going to fly Planet Earth back home. Right then. Off we go!".
He is now acting all sprinting and happy, and even if it is, again, great to see the Tardis so crowded, I know he's still mad about what just happened before we left the Crucible, and I fear for what's happening next.
I pilot the Tardis all the time - as soon as I learned, the Doctor put me on duty. It is exhausting to fly this machine alone, and he couldn't wait to have a helping hand - so I step back, leaving it for all these people who will unlikely share this experience again.
Blue comes by my side, as I rest my back on a pillar. "Sorry I snapped before".
"Apologizing right away, soooo human", I mock him.
"You should know", he nudges my shoulder, smiling. "And actually, I think you were right. He's not happy about it", he adds.
"Don't take it personally. Just before you showed up, we all threatened the Daleks with various shades of mass murder, so. He's taking it out on you because you're him", I look at his deep eyes. "You have to perform at higher standards".
"And yet", he says, pensively, "I think he'll end up punishing himself. Speaking of which, since I have this chance, I should thank you on his behalf. He's deeply grateful, even if he will never tell you himself", he says, pausing.
"What for?".
He tilts his head towards Rose.
"Oooh", I smile, and nudge his elbow back.
"Seriously. He just needed your encouragement to kiss her- whooo, I really am human", he groans, giggling.
I giggle too. Same person, and yet human enough to allow himself to express his feelings.
"I like you, Zoe, and I would love to stay friends, but I'm afraid my time with you is limited", he pauses. So he figured it out too.
"Have you spoken to her?", I enquire.
"Not yet - tell you what, it's going to be a bumpy ride, I'm afraid", he giggles.
"I'm sure you'll make it work", I smile. Maybe I was a human for too long, maybe I'm a rebel Time Lord, whatever - I am a romantic.
"Keep an eye on him for us, will you?".
"Doctor", I tell him, "Of course".
"I'm serious", he turns suddenly to me, his face very close. "He'll try to push you away… don't let him".
"Promise", I nod.
He presses his forehead against mine, softly. I smile.
We stop to let Sarah Jane go home. She was brave and wild, and I'm a little sad that I didn't get to know her better. Donna is on the phone with her family, she keeps smiling and beaming.
At the second stop, the Doctor prepares to leave Jack and Martha.
"You not coming?", Jack asks me, as he walks to the doors.
The Doctor looks at me quizzingly. "Unfinished business?", he inquires, bluntly.
"More like, ongoing work", I reply. "Actual work", I insist, when he doesn't look too convinced.
"You can go if you want. Don't let me keep you", he states. Uh-oh. Didn't expect him to push me away literally right now.
"I can stay. Time machine", I nod.
"I don't need you to stay, if you don't want to. Honestly-".
"Honestly", I cut in, "I think I know what's going to happen next and I don't think it's wise to leave you alone just now".
"Wise?", he replies, almost offended. It reminds me of the tone he had with River at the Library.
"Right. Bad choice of words", I correct, thinking. "You… don't need to go through that alone".
He looks at me, his eyes scrutinizing me. Damn, he is super annoyed.
I push all my love and respect for him through the psychic link. His eyes stay firm for a while, then he breaks into a smile. "Now that- that's cheating", he giggles, and runs his hand through my hair. "Quite right too. I could use a friend for this last bit, if you don't mind staying".
"Never", I reply, looking straight into his eyes. When he follows Jack outside - to sonic his vortex manipulator - Blue winks at me, smiling.
I step out, Jack nods at me in understanding. I say goodbye to Martha- goodbye, see you later, I know I'll see her again. Mickey decides to stay and runs with them last minute. I say goodbye to him, he is charming and strong and part of me wishes I got to know him better too. And even if somehow I know he's not a big part of my story, I still think fondly of when I ended up in his kitchen with him and Jackie collecting anything with vinegar to defend ourselves from the Slitheen.
Martha and Jack salute before leaving, and the Doctor quickly salutes them back. "I saw you", I mock him from the door.
"Oh, shut up", he tilts his head, ushering me back in.
The Tardis leaves again, and I brace for the next parts.
"Just time for one last trip. Dårlig Ulv Stranden. Better known as Bad Wolf Bay", the Doctor says.
Blue and Jackie walk out first. It's a cold winter beach, beautiful wild landscape, rocks and grey seashore.
"Oh, fat lot of good this is. Back of beyond. Bloody Norway? I'm going to have to phone your father. He's on the nursery run", Jackie complains, then turns to Blue. "I was pregnant, do you remember? Had a baby boy".
"Oh, brilliant. What did you call him?".
"Doctor".
"Really?".
"No, you plum. He's called Tony". I listen to this exchange from afar, as we all step out, thinking it's a shame I won't see Jackie Tyler anymore.
"Hold on, this is the parallel universe, right?", Rose says immediately recognizing the place.
"You're back home", the Doctor tells her, a bit too serious for my taste.
"And the walls of the world are closing again, now that the Reality Bomb never happened. It's dimensional retroclosure. See, I really get that stuff now", Donna adds. She's right.
Rose looks confused, and she looks between the Doctor and me. "No, but I spent all that time trying to find you. I'm not going back now".
"But you've got to. Because we saved the universe, but at a cost. And the cost… is him", the Doctor explains, and seriously, he's mad and now his hearts are probably breaking, but I really feel there's no need to be this cold. "He destroyed the Daleks. He committed genocide. He's too dangerous to be left on his own".
Blue seems pretty surprised too by the harsh explanation. "You made me", he notes.
"Exactly. You were born in battle, full of blood and anger and revenge. Remind you of someone?", he asks Rose, and I have the feeling he's softening a bit, but what he says next sounds cold and blank, again. "That's me, when we first met. And you made me better. Now you can do the same for him".
Donna looks at me. I glare, looking at the sand, because I can't believe he's saying all this very important stuff to a very important person with this very arrogant attitude.
"But… he's not you", Rose says, confused.
"He needs you. That's very me", the Doctor continues, and again, how do you say that without the slightest sign of emotion?
I have to jump in. I can't take this anymore. "Rose, it's better than that, though. Don't you see what he's trying to give you?", they all suddenly turn to me. Well, I started. I turn to Blue. "Tell her. Go on", I encourage him.
He nods and turns to Rose, taking a breath. "I look like him, I think like him… Same memories, same thoughts, same everything". Oddly, he speaks as cold as the Doctor. "Except… I've only got one heart".
"Which means?"
"I'm part human. Specifically, the aging part. I'll grow old and never regenerate". Seriously, what is it with these boys? Why do they express feelings like they're reading washing instructions? "I've only got one life, Rose Tyler. I could spend it with you. …If you want".
Weeeeell, awwww.
"You'll… grow old at the same time as me?" Rose asks, turning to him, her hand tentatively feeling his single heartbeat, finally getting it.
"Together", Blue finally smiles. I mean. This is the happy ending.
"We've got to go", the Doctor warns, turning back to the Tardis.
"This reality is sealing itself off for ever", Donna warns.
"Oh, and don't forget this", the Doctor goes on, throwing something at Blue. He holds it up. "Piece of the Tardis. So you can grow your own", he adds, and I'm glad he said that, because for a moment, I thought he was just tossing a chunk of ginger root at them.
"But that'll take thousands of years", Blue protests.
Donna surprises us all suggesting how they can speed the process up. She's right, and again, brilliant, but I'm still worried about how fast her brain is working. So is Blue, according to the look he gives me.
"But, it's still not right, because the Doctor's still you", Rose insists, stopping us as we start to return towards the Tardis.
"And I'm him", the Doctor insists.
"All right. Both of you, answer me this. When I last stood on this beach, on the worst day of my life, what was the last thing you said to me? Go on, say it".
I perfectly understand Rose, even if I don't know what she's going on about. She barely spoke to Blue, it feels like she's being forced to fall in love with a stranger instantly.
"I said, Rose Tyler", the Doctor replies.
"Yeah, and how was that sentence going to end?", Rose's gaze is switching between the two Doctors.
"Does it need saying?".
Did I finally hear his voice shaking? Can I just say. I know Rose is going to be happy, and Blue or whatever he decides to go by is the Doctor and he's going to make her happy, and the Doctor is just trying to keep his distance to make this less painful for everyone but. Man. She literally just asked you to say it. If you don't want to say it… don't say anything. But also, I know what he means. I mean, it's so blatantly obvious that it really feels redundant for him to say it. Except, if he never told her…
"And you, Doctor? What was the end of that sentence?", Rose asks Blue.
He leans closer to Rose, and then says it, finally. "I said Rose Tyler, I love you".
I know he said it out loud so the other Doctor could own it too. I smile, looking at those two kissing without even breathing, when Donna pulls me back to the Tardis, because now it's really time to go. Still, I'm impressed at how the Doctor didn't even flinch, didn't even say goodbye. I stay silent, because I know if I address the subject, I'll never hear the end of it.
However, when I raise my eyes after I've pushed the dematerializing lever, the Doctor is looking at me with the heaviest eyes. I feel like he's about to cry. The air inside the Tardis is so tense we could snap it. I walk towards him, he raises a hand to stop me from getting any closer. "No", he whispers, "Please".
Donna tries to change the subject. "I thought we could try the planet Felspoon. Just because. What a good name, Felspoon. Apparently, it's got mountains that sway in the breeze. Mountains that move. Can you imagine?", she smiles, looking around.
The Doctor is apparently done with pretending to be okay. "And how do you know that?"
"Because it's in your head. And if it's in your head, it's in mine". Donna is so happy about this, it's breaking my hearts.
"And how does that feel?", he asks.
"Brilliant! Fantastic! Molto bene! Great big universe, packed into my brain. You know you could fix that chameleon circuit if you just tried hotbinding the fragment links and superseeding the binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary", she gasps loudly, looking at me. "I'm fine. Nah, never mind Felspoon. You know who I'd like to meet? Charlie Chaplin. I bet he's great, Charlie Chaplin. Shall we do that? Shall we go and see Charlie Chaplin? Shall we? Charlie Chaplin? Charlie Chester. Charlie Brown. No, he's fiction. Friction, fiction, fixing, mixing, Rickston, Brixton", she gasps again, loudly. It hurt her, this one. Damn, it hurt me and the Doctor to listen to it. "Oh my god", she cries.
I step closer to her. "Do you know what's happening?"
"Yeah".
"There's never been a human Time Lord metacrisis before now. And you know why", he explains, softly.
"Because there can't be", she admits, tears in her eyes. "I want to stay".
"Look at me. Donna, look at me", the Doctor instructs her.
"It's unfair", she pants. "It worked with Zoe, no? Why can't I…", she starts, but she knows the answer already. "I was going to be with you two forever".
"We know", he says.
"The rest of my life, traveling in the Tardis. The Doctor Donna", she whispers. "No. Oh my god. I can't go back. Don't make me go back", she pleads, her eyes searching for his, for mine, back and forth. "Doctor, Zoe, please, please don't make me go back".
"Donna. Oh, Donna Noble. I am so sorry. But we had the best of times".
"No", she protests again. It is heartsbreaking, and… the Doctor wanted to go through this alone?
"The best", he repeats. "Goodbye", he says.
"Goodbye, Donna", I repeat.
"No, no, no. Please", she cries, as the Doctor quickly reaches for her temples, his mind melding with Donna's. "Please. No. No!"
"No!" She finally cries, before passing out.
I gasp. The Doctor looks at me, I touch her temples too, and help him gently drag her to the pilot chair, and I know best than to dare speaking.
I stay quiet, in shame, at Donna's house, where I must look like a total fraud to Wilf and Sylvia. I left just a few hours ago, promising I would do my best to bring her home, and I came back with an amnesiac Donna and another grieving Time Lord.
"She took my mind into her own head. But that's a Time Lord consciousness. All that knowledge, it was killing her", the Doctor is explaining.
"But she'll get better now?", Wilf asks.
"I had to wipe her mind completely. Every trace of me, or Zoe, or the Tardis, anything we did together, anywhere we went, had to go".
"All those wonderful things she did…", Wilf says, sadly. He looks at me, as if I could reassure him. I can't.
"I know. But that version of Donna is dead. Because if she remembers, just for a second, she'll burn up. You can never tell her. You can't mention me or her or any of it for the rest of her life".
Donna's mum protests. "But the whole world's talking about it. We travelled across space".
"It'll just be a story. One of those Donna Noble stories, where she missed it all again". I suggest, trying to suppress the pain in my voice.
"But she was better with you", Wilf says.
"Don't say that". Sylvia says, and for a moment I see how she really loves her, even if she's always annoying and criticizing anything Donna does or says.
"No, she was".
"I just want you to know", the Doctor continues, "There are worlds out there, safe in the sky because of her. That there are people living in the light, and singing songs of Donna Noble, a thousand million light years away. They will never forget her, while she can never remember. And for one moment, one shining moment, she was the most important woman in the whole wide universe".
"She still is. She's my daughter", Sylvia replies.
I open my mouth to speak when the Doctor steals the words from me. "Then maybe you should tell her that, once in a while".
At that moment, Donna enters, laughing. "I was asleep. On my bed. In my clothes! Like a flipping kid! Why'd you let me do that for?", she jokes with them, then notices us. "Don't mind me. Donna", she briefly introduces herself, before checking her phone.
"John Smith", the Doctor says. "This is Jane". Seriously?
"The Smiths were just leaving", Sylvia says, bitter.
"My phone's gone mad. Thirty two texts. Veena's gone barmy. She's saying planets in the sky. What have I missed now?", Donna continues. "Nice to meet you".
Donna's mum is really kicking us out. "As I said, I think you should go".
We stand and pop quickly in the kitchen, where Donna is on the phone with her friends, rambling. "How thick do you think I am? Planets. Tell you what that was, dumbo. That's those two for one lagers you gets down the offy because you fancy that little man in there with the goatee. Ha ha! Yes, you do. I've seen you", she's joking.
"Donna? We were just going", I struggle to say without crying.
She turns briefly to us. "Yeah, see you", then she turns, all her attention to gossiping with her friend. "I tell you what though, you're wasting your time with that one, because Susie Mair, she went on that dating site, and she saw him. No, no, no, no. Listen, listen, this is important. Susie Mair wouldn't lie. Not unless it was about calories. Ha!".
We slowly walk back to the entrance, no words are spoken. When we get outside, it's pouring with rain.
"Ah. You'll have quite a bit of this. Atmospheric disturbance. Still, it'll pass. Everything does. Bye then, Wilfred", the Doctor says.
"Oh, Doctor, Zoe? What about you now? You'll be all right?".
"We're fine". He says. No we're not.
"I'll watch out for you, kids".
"You can't ever tell her", I warn him again.
"No, no, no. But every night, Doctor, when it gets dark, and the stars come out, I'll look up on her behalf. I'll look up at the sky, and think of you two".
"Thank you", we say.
When we enter the Tardis, we're soaking wet.
The Doctor slowly takes off his dripping jacket and throws it on the railing. Without speaking, we both start moving switches and controls on the console and move the Tardis to, well… just to the time vortex. We're both exhausted, we don't need a conversation about where to go. We just float. He stands for a while, hands in his pockets, just looking at the vortex rotor, then he sits down, still quiet. For a moment, I wish I could just touch the console and get out- move to a different time, maybe a different Doctor, show up out of the blue with that sense of excitement and surprise that never failed me. I actually look at my ring with intention, then I immediately change my mind, almost ashamed. I promised. And by the way, he's in a worst shape than I am, so I can't really leave him alone.
"Zoe", he calls softly from one of the pilot chairs, as if hearing my thoughts. "Let's just go get some rest".
I turn, look into his deep, teary eyes.
"Please", he says, standing up, his hand stretching towards me, inviting.
I just take it and follow him.