Chapter 43 - one more time
When we enter the room, the crystal dome is shining with reflections and flares from the suns of Gallifrey.
"Tardis, change template", the Doctor says sitting down on the bed, and the room becomes dark, the landscape changed into a green grass field, dropping into an ocean at sunset. The crystal dome is replaced by a victorian bowindow, the light coming from it casting long shadows on us.
I kick my boots off and lay next to him. We're both just staring at the intarsia ceiling for a while, then I turn on my side, facing him. He turns towards me too. He's looking at me, but it's like he isn't seeing me. The psychic link is shut down again, I don't bother him. He closes his eyes, I keep watching him until I'm sure he's sleeping. I close my eyes, listening to his deep breaths, and finally fall asleep, and it feels like I haven't slept in forever.
When I open my eyes it's pitch dark. My right arm feels numb, I realize we are now hugging in the middle of the bed, drawn closer to each other in our sleep. I feel his hair on my neck, his leg across my knees. My arm is stuck under the Doctor's body- when I move it he shifts quickly, in a reflex, and I think he's still sleeping but his face moves closer now, searching mine, and he kisses me. I kiss him back, my hand stroking his hair, he shifts again and moves almost on top of me, his hand trailing his fingers on my cheek, on my neck, and I shiver when his hand runs under my t-shirt, pulling it up. I start unbuttoning his shirt, peeling it off his shoulders, I stroke my hands on his arms, on his back, his hot skin burning against mine. I feel his skin against my navel, I might be burning too.
It's been a while, isn't it? He unzips my trousers and his hand trails down between my thighs, I feel like I might scream - he knows how to pleasure me, but it's not that, he's not trying to seduce me, he doesn't have to. Our bodies entwined together, as if closing this distance could save us and protect us from whatever happens outside this room, outside this ship, outside this unique life we have. I feel his weight on top of me, I oppose no resistance when he enters. He keeps kissing me, as if stopping would break some sort of spell. He doesn't say a word, nor do I, only our breath getting faster and louder, until I moan into his lips in pleasure – oh, Doctor - , and he looks into my eyes, and strokes my hair, and kisses me again. He doesn't let me go, and we keep staying together, there's some sleep and again waking up kissing, making love, falling asleep again until the light comes up again from the window.
I don't know what cycle the Tardis is following but it feels like it's been long days and long nights.
We stay in the room for two weeks.
Without saying a word.
Only sleeping, waking up kissing, making love, falling asleep again. It's like a honeymoon of sadness. His eyes are always lost somewhere else, staring into nothing. Sometimes they get misty, and when I notice it, he just kisses me and the pattern starts again. Six days ago, I tried to leave the room to make some tea, he grabbed me by my arm and pulled me back to the bed. Weeell, what can a girl do.
Besides, no one is waiting for us. The universe can stay quiet for a while, and let us rest. But I'm still restless, and even if I see the pleasant side of this timeless trap we stuck ourselves into, I finally decide it's time to get out, get back to the universe. At the next break of light, I stroke his cheek as he stares blankly. His eyes are lost again, even if I'm right here he's not looking at me.
"Doctor", I whisper.
He blinks as only realizing where we are, what we've been doing.
"We can't just stay here", I suggest.
"Can't we?", he says, clearing his voice.
Oh, good, I've broken the Doctor. I try to jump down from the bed, he grabs my elbow and pulls me back into his arms, trying to pin me down again.
"Oh come on", I insist, and he drops by my side, exhaling. This time I sit on the edge of the bed, he doesn't pull me back. I stare at the projection of the ocean morning view outside.
"Looks like Earth", I say, between myself.
"Tardis, change template", he says, mumbling. The view switches to outer space.
"Why did you do that? I liked it".
"Tardis, change template back", the ocean view returns. "Happy?".
"Are you annoyed at me or something?". He stays silent. I turn to check if he's fallen asleep again. Seriously, it's like we slept all we should have slept in the past two years. His eyes are staring again into nothing. "Doctor?".
He blinks vividly. "What?", he snaps.
"What did I do now?", I ask.
"Nothing", he mumbles. "I just don't want to talk", he says, stretching his arm to catch my shoulder, pulling me back until my head rests on his chest. He starts stroking the skin on my waist.
"Look. It's not that I don't like this Only lovers left alive scenario", I say, "it's just…we'll have to talk at some point".
He scoots me, rolls and turns to the other side. My eyes roll, and I stretch my back and my legs and I quickly turn around to see if he's looking. He is. I ignore my clothes on the floor and start walking to the door. Walking? Almost stomping.
"Don't, don't do that", he scolds me. "You don't get to be mad".
Ha. "I thought you didn't want to talk".
"Well I don't".
"Then shut up and let me get out of this room".
He sits up, sighing, running his hands through his hair down to his face. "I don't know… I don't know if I can".
"What…?".
He doesn't elaborate.
Suddenly, I feel the urge to get dressed - this is not a naked conversation. And just as I start picking up my clothes, he reaches for his shirt and starts getting dressed too. I'm still looking at him. He looks at me, but doesn't speak. I throw my hands - I really, really don't know what to do. He wanted rest, I rested with him. He wanted silence, and I haven't spoken. He wanted, or needed, company, and touch, and I haven't left his side. Just as promised. And I know - we're Time Lords, we could spend more and more days here without consequences, but I also know it's not healthy.
I finally walk out and back into the console room. The lights turn on at my passage, it's like the ship also woke up from a long nap. I slide my fingers on the console, reviving the monitor out of stand-by. Everything looks in order and working. I let out a breath of relief, and walk into the kitchen to make some tea.
When I walk back to the console room, he's leaning on the commands, looking at the monitor. His mind is shut down, I can't find my answer telepathically. He glances at me, opens his lips to speak, but he stays still, pondering his words.
He stands up, walks towards me, takes the cup of tea from my hands and drinks a sip.
"I thought you were dead", he says, finally, giving it back to me.
He looks away, suddenly.
"When Davros sent the Tardis to the Crucible core… I thought you were dead", he takes a deep breath. "I was aware, of all of it- I was… losing… the Tardis, and Donna, and, Rose was by my side, and Jack… But for a moment, I felt paralyzed by the thought of losing you".
Oh.
"And I can't- not when the universe is-". He runs a hand down his face, groaning. "It cannot happen. It shouldn't happen-".
He's clearly struggling to say more, but he's not looking at me. "Doctor, I am sorry but I'm going to need, uhm, a few more words?".
He turns finally and looks at me.
"Look at my life, Zoe. You know me. Who I am, the way I live. How can I… keep doing what I'm doing when I'm…".
"Is this you worrying about me again?", I ask, tilting my head. I thought we were way past that.
He sighs. "No, no", he says, serious, still looking at me. "Don't you see what I'm saying? Zoe".
I take a step towards him.
"I don't, not really", I start "but I believe... the universe, the universe kinda owes you. And that if you're…" I shrug, suddenly self-aware "distracted, I mean, you have the right to be… selfish, every once in a while".
He smiles softly at me, still thinking.
"We already had this conversation. About you feeling the weight of the universe on your shoulders. And you can't feel guilty for having…feelings. You are allowed to think about yourself".
He shakes his head. "No, you see, this is - this is me, thinking about myself. And I'm sorry".
"I am seriously struggling to understand what you are trying to tell me".
"You went away, for a while. And, younger you showed up. And it made me realize how much I-", he takes a deep breath. "How much I rely on you, and how important you are to me. And how much it hurts when… when you're… distant".
Oooh, boy.
I smile. "And… that's wrong?".
"It is", he says, dead serious.
I shake my head. "Excuse me?".
He closes his eyes, bitterly. "Zoe. You spent weeks at Torchwood looking for him".
I bite my lips. So, he is jealous after all? And he's… admitting it?
"You're kicking me out", I start thinking aloud. "This… this time in that room, was that some sort of goodbye?
"I am not kicking you out".
"But you think it's wrong that we stay this close". I want to scream. "Doctor", I say instead, softly. "You were never worried about him. What ch-".
Really, Zoe? What changed? Donna is gone. And- Rose is gone. For good. I ran into the Master, and then spent weeks trying to figure out what's happening with Chloe's plan, and if he might come back. No wonder he feels like he can't stay this close. He's hurt, and I can only hurt him even more.
"Doctor". I repeat. "I get it. But you don't have to send me away. Not right now, anyway, right? Why the rush?".
"What's the point in going on like this?".
Something is burning at the base of my neck. "But", I say, and I feel my voice shaking. "I promised I wouldn't leave you alone".
"Promised?".
"To you. You made me promise".
He smirks, understanding. "The other one. Rose's Doctor made you promise".
"Still you". I shrug, ignoring how shaky his voice was mentioning the both of them. "So what? Are you just leaving me stranded in London? Or a random planet?" I gesture.
"Again, I am not kicking you out. That would be unfair".
My hands are just waving around in confusion right now.
"I'm leaving", he says. "You keep the Tardis".
Oh my, he's serious. I look around the console room, taking it in. The Tardis, all to myself? "Well, that would be very kind of you".
He nods.
"You are joking, right?", I ask.
"You don't deserve to be stranded", he repeats. "You keep the Tardis. I'll manage".
"What?".
"I mean, not forever. But… right now, I need-".
He sighs, following my gaze around the ship. I am speechless.
"One last trip, what do you say?". How do I do this? Can I really just walk with the Doctor to the doors and let him go? I need a little wiggle time. To adjust to this insane idea of him leaving.
He smiles. "Always".
"So… distant planet or past celebrity? Oh. Can we meet David Bowie?", I say, too quickly to realize I'm suggesting the same ideas Donna had before we had to erase her memories.
"Bowie? I believe he's still on Earth these days".
"What do you mean? Is he an alien? No, wait, he is, isn't he?".
"He's… not. All human and glorious genius. I just meant I think he's still alive. No need for a time machine. I think. Wait, what year is this again?".
"No, no, no, shut up. I don't want to deal with a date where David Bowie is not alive anymore. Scratch that. Forget that".
"Oh, I have an idea you'll like", he says, gently pushing me away from the console, smiling. "Since you're in the mood for some music". He sets a date, the ship starts buzzing.
Together, one last time. We heard that a lot, recently.