Chapter 51 - Memory tricks
The Doctor looks at me, his eyes tearing in pain and worry. "It's brilliant, yeah, but there's no other way?".
The older Doctor looks at him, then at me. "I'm sorry".
"All the paintings in the under gallery, and the only one left is, oh. Well, just our luck".
I look at the ceiling, then groan, then decide to say it out loud. "Can I just say? Everytime somebody mentions the Time War I hear about someone who escaped the Time lock. And you think we can't get there? With three Doctors?".
My Doctor looks at me, concerned. "It's not that".
"My Tardis is still there. We have an open link to Gallifrey", the War Doctor explains. "What are you going on about?".
"Zoe's never been", my Doctor admits, his eyes almost shining. "She's never been to Gallifrey, She's never seen that war. I don't want her there".
The other Doctor looks at me, without saying anything.
I try to force the psychic link, but I can't read his mind. "Is this about the Master?", I groan.
"The Master?", the war Doctor repeats, shocked.
"Zoe here… she's bonded to the Master", my Doctor explains, ignoring the uneasy squirmy reaction from the war Doctor. "But it's not that, and I'm, really, offended that you think that that's my concern". He scolds me, walking closer to me, lowering his face so that his eyes stare into mine. "You're the only Time Lord left alive with no memory of that war. Of the horror that it was, of what brought me, us, to decide to end it. Don't you see? I just… I want to spare you that devastating sight". He tips his forehead against mine, and it's the first time in weeks our skin touch. I shiver a little, closing my eyes, then sigh.
"I'm sorry I automatically jumped to that assumption. You know how I'm still confused about that subject", I whisper, keeping my face close to his.
"I know. I know", he repeats, then kisses my forehead, softly.
"As far as I know, the Master escaped. There were rumours of bringing him back again, but I don't know if they managed to track him down", the War Doctor says. "The War Council has stopped sharing their plans with me".
The other Doctor clears his throat, then steps beside us.
"Don't mind me interrupting, but we have no other option. And we're just going to be there an instant, a blink".
My Doctor steps back. He doesn't look at him, but keeps his eyes on me. He closes them, then opens them up again. "Those powerful mind shields you have, they're going to be useful there".
I nod. "Blimey", I say, trying to break the tension.
"Gallifrey", he nods, whispering.
"Oof", I nod.
"Right. Gotta move fast now", the older Doctor says, springing into action. Clara explained that when Kate brought them to UNIT earlier, she used a stasis cube painting of Gallifrey as credentials from Elizabeth. So the older Doctor is now calling back to earlier to get that same painting inside the Black Archive, and that will be our way in.
I'm still agitating about the whole we're about to pop to Gallifrey in the middle of the biggest, ugliest war ever thing so I'm not entirely sure about how we're getting to the exact moment that will be frozen into that painting, but again, I'm concentrating on my shields.
Apparently, not enough.
Because when we get there, I am absolutely overwhelmed. It's not the fire and the explosions, or the Dalek dangerously close to us, or the gravity of being on Gallifrey, so close to the Eye of Harmony and what that means for my Time Lady biology, no. It's the Time Lords. Because, shields or not, they are all in my head. And it's all happening in an instant.
Desperate, loud and terrified voices. From… everyone. I am hearing everyone on the planet. My legs shake.
"Gotcha", the Doctor holds me, steadily, immediately, and I try to look at him through the smoke and blinding lights, and I realize he's never taken his eyes off me. Clara is on my other side, she helps me stay up too.
I start to shiver, my head is exploding with the weariness of it all, and I start recognizing a sound, first faint and distant, then louder and louder, until it's all I can hear. A rhythm of four beats, the sound of the drums.
"He's here", I whisper.
The Doctor looks at me, terrified, and his grip on me becomes stronger, tighter. The drums become deafening in my mind, and then they stop, replaced by a high pitched, disturbing noise, like a hiss. At first it's painful and I feel like it's going to kill me, then it quickly fades and adjusts, as if trying to find the right frequency, and I feel the connection again, same as when I was on the 51st century colony. The bond, stronger than ever.
I feel the Doctor leaving me in Clara's arms as he steps in front of me, giving me a worried look before turning his eyes away.
The bond. The drums. Run. I push that thought through that single, overwhelming link with all the power I have, and almost in the same second, it all stops, because the Doctors are sonicking something, I can't really understand, and the whole thing is over, just as fast as the other Doctor predicted.
And we're bringing an exploding Dalek. With us. Into the Black Archive.
Clara and I stumble outside the frame of the painting.
"Thank you", I say.
"Don't mention it", she shrugs with a smile, while the Doctors are already steps ahead of us, approaching a table where two Kate Lethbridge Stewart and two identical pairs of employees are staring at each other.
"Hello", the War Doctor says.
"I'm the Doctor", my Doctor says.
"Sorry about the Dalek", the other adds.
"Also, the showing off", Clara comments mumbling at their theatrical entrance. I have to agree.
"Kate Lethbridge Stewart, what in the name of sanity are you doing?", Bow tie Doctor scorns her.
"The countdown can only be halted at my personal command. There's nothing you can do", she explains.
"Except make you both agree to halt it", my Doctor says.
"Not even three of you", she replies, sternly.
The menacing countdown is down to 1:36 now.
"You're about to murder millions of people", the War Doctor says.
"To save billions", Kate insists, keeping her ground. "How many times have you made that calculation?".
"Once. Turned me into the man I am now. I'm not even sure who that is any more", the older Doctor says, seriously.
"You tell yourself it's justified, but it's a lie. Because what I did that day was wrong. Just wrong".
The War Doctor turns to look away. I follow his gaze, and I think I'm seeing Rose Tyler.
"And, because I got it wrong, I'm going to make you get it right", the other Doctor continues, as they both pick up chairs and seat themselves at the end of the table, crossing their legs on the top. In sync. They really are showing off. I am actually a bit turned on. What's wrong with me?
"How?", Kate asks.
The Doctors keep smugly explaining, speaking one at a time, finishing each other's sentences.
"Any second now, you're going to stop that countdown. Both of you, together".
"Then you're going to negotiate the most perfect treaty of all time".
"Safeguards all round, completely fair on both sides".
"And the key to perfect negotiation?".
"Not knowing what side you're on".
"So, for the next few hours, until we decide to let you out…".
"No one in this room will be able to remember if they're human-".
"Or Zygon".
It is quite a brilliant plan. I don't know when they came up with it.
"Whoops-a-daisy", the older Doctor says, jumping on the table. They both do, in sync, again. They point their screwdrivers to the memory filter in the ceiling, and the war Doctor joins with his as the countdown reaches 7.
Both Kates realize what's happening. "Cancel the detonation!" they order in unison.
The countdown stops. "Peace in our time", the older Doctor whispers, as they put their screwdrivers away.
The negotiations begin, I step towards the spot where I thought I saw Rose before, but I'm stopped by my Doctor, who grabs my shoulder and turns me around to face him, impatiently.
"What happened there?".
I look at the tip of my shoes, then gaze up to him. I'm afraid to speak. I now realise during this whole conversation with UNIT, he was aching to talk to me.
"Well, you tried to prepare me for Gallifrey, but I wasn't prepared. Bit too much for my fresh Time Lady mind".
He hugs me, I don't give in. He feels my stiffness and draws back, still holding my shoulders.
"He was there, Doctor. I felt him. Larger than life, the bond, the drums… he was there".
He looks at me, waiting to hear more.
"He obliterated every other voice that was crowding my head. He…".
"You spoke to him?", his voice is shaking.
"Didn't have the time", I feel my eyes tearing. I try to look away, and I catch a glimpse of the other Doctor, looking at us. "It was so fast, I could only-", as I'm about to say it, just now, I realize the gravity of what I just did. The events that I set in motion, with one, single, thought.
The Doctor removes his hands from my shoulders, straightening, alarmed.
"I told him to run", I confess, trying to keep a blank face.
He runs a hand down his face, giggling nervously. "Quite right".
"I-" I don't know what to say, really.
"We're not going back there", he warns me.
"I don't want to. You were right. It was horrible".
"Good. Good", he nods. "What a day", he notes.
"Yeah", I note, trying to smile, hoping the tension is gone.
I move to step back to the other Doctor, but he stops me. "Zoe", he pulls me back in front of him. "I have to tell you. I changed my mind. I don't want you to find him. I don't care about your bond. Promise-", he stops, thinking.
"Oh so you are jealous", I try to joke, but it doesn't come out really good.
"Oh, I am jealous. Promise me-", he repeats, and shoots a glare behind him, in the general direction of the other Doctor. "Promise me you'll stay with me".
I close my eyes and open them again. "I already made that promise to you".
"No. Promise me you will not let me leave you. Ever".
I search his eyes, this sudden honesty, so disarming and warm. "Rose's Doctor, he was right. I need you, and he knew it long before I could admit it".
"Do you feel like you need me to promise that? You're still questioning my feelings?". My hearts are breaking.
He looks at the ceiling, searching for words. "I know your feelings", he says, softly, stepping closer, his voice shaking. "And… you know mine. I will always need you with me. I will always want you with me. And…You're not with him".
I bite my lips. He's right, damn. My eyes scan the ceiling, I need to look somewhere else, somewhere that's not the Doctor's eyes. My gaze stops on the busted memory filter above the conference table. "Maybe I am… and not just here in this moment. Timey wimey".
He doesn't buy it. "Clara… she barely knows you. That's unsettling. I'm worried".
"That I'll leave? Wha-".
"No. That I'll leave you".
I take a deep breath. I feel something building, and it's not what I expected as a reaction for the Doctor declaring he needs me forever, always, more than anything. "I promise", I say, regrettably, quite flatly.
He lifts my chin, forces me to look into his eyes. "You… don't sound happy. Actually, you sound angry. You know, this was quite a big moment, I would say. Nah?", he sounds partially disappointed, partially confused.
"It was. Big moment. Biggest moment, right. Short of I love you, what's left to say?" I snort. Why am I ruining this? "But… we won't remember it".
And of course, as soon as I say that, I regret it. Because he honestly looks shocked, and I understand he didn't think about that. He blinks vividly, as if I just slapped him.
I shake my head and turn around, and he stops me at the second step, holding me gently. He leans in, his hands running down my arms, and he sticks his head above my shoulder, whispering in my ear.
"Zoe. I really don't think I need to say it. I think it's so obvious that…well…", he pauses, takes a breath. I close my eyes, as I feel his arms closing around me. I admit to myself I want him close to me so badly, I'd be willing to accept a does it need saying?. "Oh, you know already. What we have, it could be a bond if only… if you didn't… well, you know" he stops again.
Well. Close enough.
"Doctor", I whisper, quietly, my hand reaching to his, to feel his skin against mine.
He takes a breath. "I love you. I have for a long time, and that's not going to change anytime soon, whether we remember this or not". He rests his chin on my shoulder. "And I really wish we will".
Author's note: it's been more than 10 years and I'm still confused about some minor and major plot points in the 50th anniversary episode. Moffat!