Chapter 52
I feel like my heartsbeat are going insane. I turn and look at him, straight into his eyes, then I feel a smile growing on my lips, inevitable. He smiles too. I feel like we could suspend time just smiling at each other, for a while.
"So", I say, taking his hand. He squeezes it, giggling.
"So", he repeats. "I'm going to… check on the human zygon treaty".
"Right". I keep staring ahead as he walks past me, brushing my arm as he goes. I really wish we could remember this. I feel like a teenager. I can't help but smile, until I turn around and I see the other Doctor staring at me, then quickly turning away from my gaze.
I ignore him – I don't know what changed, but he's been weird with me since the impromptu royal wedding. Instead, I walk towards the war Doctor who's chatting with Clara, and I find, again, the Rose lookalike staring at me. This time, she waves at me.
Hello.
I'm so surprised by the connection that I blink twice, just to make sure this is actually happening.
You're not Rose, are you?
Oh, no. Well I was. Well no, I took this form for him. Not sure – got the syncing wrong. Still, not Rose. The bad wolf. She makes a funny, cartoonish angry face.
I heard you earlier, too. You're the weapon.
The moment is here. The moment is me.
Means he's not done it yet, right?
Won't be any me sticking around after, that's sure.
I don't understand. Why do I see you when they can't? Why me?
I'm the conscience of a mass destruction weapon. You're the impossible Time Lady. I've known you for a long time.
Uh. That's a bit unsettling. How?
She shrugs. Who really knows anything about psychic engineering.
I know someone who does.
But he's not here.
I know.
Do you wish he was?
Is therapy your second job, miss Moment?
She smiles.
I… wish I knew he was safe. But that's irrelevant now, isn't it?
You are clever. She says, with a challenging look.
You brought the war doctor to us to show him what his future looks like. But what's my part in this? Am I supposed to stop him? Make him change his mind? I groan, and look away, and when I look around again she's standing very close to me, inches away.
Remember you're always with him.
And then she disappears. I walk over to where Clara is talking to the War Doctor.
"He regrets it. I see it in his eyes every day", she's telling him. "He'd do anything to change it". So, Clara is actually trying to change his mind?
"Including saving all these people. How many worlds has his regret saved, do you think? Look over there. Humans and Zygons working together in peace", he replies. And he has a point. Would the Doctor be the same person without this burden on his conscience? "How did you know?", he asks.
"Your eyes. You're so much younger", she says.
He looks surprised. "Then, all things considered, it's time I grew up". He looks over Clara, at the Moment who is now reappeared, and standing by my side. "I've seen all I needed. The moment has come", he says.
She looks at me, then turns to the war Doctor.
"I'm ready", he confirms.
I know you are.
Clara looks back, and sees me. "Is he talking to you?".
"No", I tell her, then nod to the chair where the war Doctor was sitting, now empty.
She turns and stays still one second, realizing. "So… He's going to do it now".
"You don't actually think we should stop him, right?".
"But we have to do something!", she protests.
"It's fixed", I explain.
"Already happened", she repeats, sadly.
I nod. "And happening in every version of history, no changing. But… he doesn't have to do it alone" I whisper. "We should go too".
"Go where?", the Doctor says, behind my back. Clara and I turn around, and they're both standing there.
I stand up, look at both of them. I speak with the older Doctor, because I know what the other thinks. "Remember Pompeii, Doctor? That button… he doesn't have to-".
"Let's go", he interrupts me.
The older Doctor's Tardis has been parked all day outside the National Gallery, and somehow now the other Tardis is there too. It must have defaulted there when we all jumped into the painting. Or, something like that. I guess.
He starts activating the console as soon as we step in.
"I'm not even sure it will work. The War is time-locked", he says for the millionth time.
"And I'm sure we will get through".
He looks at me surprised, as if he knows I'm keeping something. "Okay", he says softly, as if following instructions, then starts typing.
"What do you actually remember of that day?".
"I…", he starts, then closes his eyes. "Well. I- I", he hesitates. "I couldn't call myself the Doctor that day. How could I?", he says, opening his eyes and looking at me.
"Clara says", I inhale. "She says the older Doctor always talks about that day. You don't".
"Oh. Well. I remember… the numbers, and I remember the war, but I've tried to forget that day. I wish I could forget it all".
"And yet you're ready to go back there".
"Well, slight difference this time. We're many. And there's you". He smiles, fondly.
I walk closer to him and take his hand.
"Allons-y", he says, and pushes the lever.
We get out of the Tardis at the same time as Clara and the other Doctor. "I told you. He hasn't done it yet", she's saying.
We're in a barn, and the war Doctor is standing in front of a big box with a red button on top, shaped like a rose. This Moment girl's got some irony, for sure.
"Go away now, all of you. This is for me", he says, without looking around.
"These events should be time-locked. We shouldn't even be here", the Doctor says.
"So something let us through", the other says.
You clever boys. The Moment is sitting on a box, smiling proudly.
"Go back. Go back to your lives. Go and be the Doctor that I could never be", the War Doctor insists. "Make it worthwhile".
The Doctors do that thing again where they speak in turns finishing each other's sentences.
"All those years, burying you in my memory".
"Pretending you didn't exist. Keeping you a secret, even from myself".
"Pretending you weren't the Doctor, when you were the Doctor more than anybody else".
"You were the Doctor on the day it wasn't possible to get it right".
They speak with such honesty and candour that I almost cry. Clara is already shaking. They walk slowly to him, and they join him placing their hands on top of his, on the button.
"But this time…".
"You don't have to do it alone".
The war Doctor looks at their hands. "Thank you", he says, moved.
The Doctor looks at me, as if I could give him courage. "What we do today is not out of fear or hatred. It is done because there is no other way".
"And it is done in the name of the many live we are failing to save", the older Doctor says, before looking around. The three Doctors nod at each other in agreement, exchanging glances. Then the older Doctor notices Clara, who is shaking her head.
"What? What is it? What?", he asks.
"Nothing".
"No, it's something", he insists. "Tell me".
"You told me you wiped out your own people". She's crying now. "I just… I never pictured you doing it, that's all".
I feel the same about my Doctor. He knows, and he's looking at me with the saddest eyes, as if apologizing.
Take a closer look, the Moment says, and the barn is replaced by the darkness.
"What's happening?", Clara asks, worried.
"Nothing. It's a projection", the war Doctor explains.
It's a reality around you.
The projection is Gallifrey at war. But this time, we're not seeing fire and explosions and warriors and Daleks, but the people caught up in the conflict. The victims. Kids, families, Time Lords and Gallifreyans, all sharing the same terror, the same desperation.
I sort of don't want to look, and yet I want to take it all in. Remember it. The Doctor catches my gaze, he's got his apologetic eyes again.
"These are the people you're going to burn?", Clara asks.
"There isn't anything we can do", he replies.
"He's right. There isn't another way. There never was. Either I destroy my own people or let the universe burn", the older Doctor repeats.
"You're many, and there's me…", I whisper, repeating. I'm with Clara on this: there must be another way, I refuse to believe that the Moment brought them together just so no Doctor had to go through this alone.
"Many… Look at you. The three of you. The warrior, the hero, and you", Clara protests, insisting.
"And what am I?", the older Doctor asks.
"Have you really forgotten?", she asks, tentatively.
"Yes. Maybe, yes".
"We've got enough warriors. And anyone can be a hero".
"Then what do I do?".
"What you've always done", she says. "Be a doctor".
He stays silent, taking it in.
I look at my Doctor. "You told me once, the name you chose was a promise. What was the promise?", I ask him.
The projection calms down, the fighting seems to have stopped on Gallifrey.
The Doctor looks at me, taking a breath. "Never cruel, or cowardly".
"Never give up, never give in", the war Doctor finishes.
The projection changes and vanishes.
The Doctor seems to snap out of that dream-like state. "You're not actually suggesting that we change our own personal history?", he asks me.
"You change history all the time. And… to be fair, I think whatever you're going to do here has already happened. It's fixed. But, anyway, I'm not the one suggesting here", I tell him, glancing at the other Doctor.
"I'm suggesting far worse than that", he says, the smile I recognized shaping on his lips in this last minute finally settling.
"What, exactly?", the war Doctor asks.
"Gentlemen, I have had four hundred years to think about this", the older Doctor continues, extracting his sonic and pointing it at the button. "I've changed my mind!", he announces, then sonicks the big red button back into the Moment box.
"There's still a billion billion Daleks up there, attacking", the war Doctor warns.
"Yeah, there is. There is", the older Doctor continues.
The Doctor looks at me, nodding, realising. "But there's something those billion billion Daleks don't know".
"Because if they did, they'd probably send for reinforcements", the older Doctor continues, smugly.
"What? What don't they know?", Clara asks.
"There's three of them, this time", I repeat. Or every time? I think. This is fixed, no doubt. It always happened like this, whatever they're about to do.
"Oh! Oh, yes, that is good. That is brilliant!", the war Doctor cheers.
"That is brilliant", the Doctor repeats.
"Ha, ha, ha! I've been thinking about it for centuries", the older Doctor is now back in his theatrical, bombastic mood.
"She didn't just show me any old future, she showed me exactly the future I needed to see", the war Doctor says.
Now you're getting it.
"Eh? Who did?", the older Doctor asks.
"Oh, Bad Wolf girl, I could kiss you".
Yeah, that's going to happen. She smiles.
"Sorry, did you just say Bad Wolf?", the Doctor repeats, glancing at me. I'm smiling. Can't help it.
"So what are we doing? What's the plan?", Clara asks.
"The Dalek fleets are surrounding Gallifrey, firing on it constantly", the war Doctor explains.
"The Sky Trench is holding, but what if the whole planet just disappeared?", the Doctor adds.
"Tiny bit of an ask", she notes.
"The Daleks would be firing on each other. They'd destroy themselves in their own crossfire", he continues, gesturing.
"Gallifrey would be gone, the Daleks would be destroyed, and it would look to the rest of the universe as if they'd annihilated each other", the war Doctor finishes.
"But where would Gallifrey be?", Clara asks.
"Frozen. Frozen in an instant of time, safe and hidden away", the Doctor says smiling, proud of their clever plan.
"Exactly", the older Doctor agrees.
"Like a painting", the war Doctor says, smiling.