THE FIRST TIME

CHAPTER SEVENTY-EIGHT - GIMME! GIMME! GIMME! (A MAN AFTER MIDNIGHT)

"Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight

Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away?

Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight

Take me through the darkness to the break of the day"

ABBA (Single from 1979)

"What do you want for Christmas?"

Such a simple question should be an easy one to answer, even when you're Jen Lindley and material possessions were something that you'd had in abundance growing up and this year, the answer was pretty simple: She wanted a boyfriend and not just any boyfriend, it had to be someone that she could see herself staying with, at least for a good while. With all of the downright rotten luck that she'd had in love too, she figured that it was about time that her number came up. The only big question was who the lucky guy should be and with the Winter Formal coming up soon, if there was ever a time to give someone new a chance, then now was as good of a time as ever.

"Throw some names my way and I'll tell you, if they stand a chance" she dared Jack, while the two of them were wasting some time up in her room that they'd planned on spending on preparing for mid-terms. With more pressing subjects to talk about however, they'd put their books aside for what both of them could agree was a well-earned break.

"Alright, I'll play along. Hmm ... it has to be someone, who's single and straight, right?" he probingly asked her.

"Those are two definite and unequivocal requirements, yes!" she answered Jack, who had to take a moment to think about it, before they could continue.

"That pretty much leaves out all of the guys that I know. There's that guy that we have French with. You're always saying how you'd like to do some "Kissing, French Style" with him!"

"I've also had a total of zero conversations with him so far!"

"There's only one way to change that, isn't there?"

"It feels like it would be too much out of nowhere, if I asked him to be my date. Plus, and I know that it's horribly old-fashioned of me to think this way, but I like to feel like I'm being courted for a while first and like I know the guy, before I say yes to going on a date with him."

"That sort of only leaves one name on the list, doesn't it?" Jack reminded her, and for as little as Jen wanted to admit it, her friend was right on the money in his assessment.

"Chris Wolfe? Really?"

"I'm just saying that with the formal only being a few weeks away, nearly all of your other potential dates will already be taken. I hate to say it, Jen, but you'll have to settle for the very small selection of guys that waited until the last minute, like you did" Jack brutally honestly told her, before they heard what sounded like a thud coming from downstairs.

After rushing downstairs to see what had happened, Jen saw the one thing that could scare her more in that moment than the thought of going on a date with Chris Wolfe could: Grams, lying unconscious on the floor.

Have you ever felt like everything is happening all at once and you're just along for the ride, with little to no control over what's going on? In short, this was how Pacey was feeling on this, the day before his first mid-terms, or as he'd called it in his head: "The Countdown to Armageddon". He didn't expect to do particularly well on them (in great part because he knew from experience that he didn't test well and probably never would), but even compared to his meager expectations for himself, these past four months had, academically speaking, gone badly. As in the "Unless some kind of unexpected miracle happened, then he'd surely be held back a year" kind of bad, and while he hadn't ever seen himself as being in the smartest half of the guys at school, knowing that he had to be deeply lodged in the bottom half was still a constant blow to his self-confidence that he didn't need.

On top of all of that, there was the drama (even if it might have been an overstatement to call it that) with his sister Gretchen, who'd turned down all three couples that had been presented to her by the people from the adoption agency so far, and it was becoming clearer by the day was having second thoughts on giving her daughter away to someone else to raise as their own. Something, he figured that a big part of was thanks to her and her ex-boyfriend Nick having begun to rekindle their long-lost romance, that had ended long before it had ever gotten the chance to reach its peak. Just the glued on smile that she would have on for hours afterwards, every time that she'd talked to him on the phone, spoke louder than a thousand words ever could have and although, she wouldn't tell him or the rest of her immediate family in so many words, they could all tell that it was filling her up with the kind of internal conflict, where you can't find any books or webpages out there that can give you the answers on how to deal with it all. If Pacey had to venture a guess, then his money would be on those two seemingly star-crossed young lovers getting back together and raising their child together, but he could also see how much it tore his highly beloved older sister up to know that she would have to make a final and difficult decision soon, and whenever he saw her moping over it, it usually made himself mope as well, which made for a whole lot of moping going around their house around that time!

The one bright spot, as she always was, was Joey. What he would have done or how he would have dealt with it all, without her to help him get through the days, he had no clue, but even she'd added to his stress when she'd said those six little words that part of him had been longing to hear her say, ever since their very first slightly fumbling, but still all kinds of cute and arousing in retrospect, naked escapades together in the backroom of the video store that used to be called "Screen Time", almost exactly a year before.

"I think that I'm ready, Pacey".

She hadn't needed to tell him what she was ready for, in order for him to understand what she'd meant, and, in many ways, there was no doubt that they were ready to take that final and ultimate step for a pair of virgins like them. Compared to when they'd first seriously discussed the topic a year earlier, it wasn't just that they were a year older now, they'd pretty much checked every box on the list in the meantime, when it comes to sexual exploration, except of course for that one box that felt like it was figuratively ten times the size of any of the other ones. Heck, even when it came to himself, he was secretly proud to be able to say that he'd learned so much about how to get the lovely miss Josephine Potter off in the most erotic of ways that either he or she could think of, ever since she'd come home from France that past summer, that he was at least ninety percent sure that he could give her a first time that she'd be able to look back on and smile too, once it came down to it.

Then again, what if it wasn't good for her? He could only imagine how he would feel, if he saw her lying there looking disappointed in him afterwards, because he hadn't lived up to her expectations for him and just the thought of it was enough to make a tiny bit of bile rise up in his throat.

"Why did I have to say those exact words?"

This simple, little sentence had been running through Joey's head at least three times an hour, ever since her and Pacey had their latest hot make-out session a few days earlier. Make-out sessions that were becoming constantly rarer, given that they didn't have his boat (that had been safely locked up in his mom's garage for the winter) to make out on for the next handful of months. With Bessie looking more suspiciously at her every time that she came home from one of them too, finding locations for it were becoming an increasing problem as well. Perhaps, it was for this reason that she'd suggested that the two of them should see if they could rent a motel room for a night and from there, the question had quickly turned to what they would do, should they follow through with this plan. This was when the words that she still wasn't sure if were true came out of her mouth and had sent her on yet another small emotional rollercoaster ride.

"I think that I'm ready, Pacey".

She knew that she'd been ready physically for a while, it wasn't that and as for having found the perfect guy to become her first, there was no doubt anymore either. Pacey, in spite of whatever reservations that she'd had towards him, way back when they'd shared their kisses, had proven not only that he loved and cared for her, but just as importantly that he was someone that she could count on, both when it came to always being there for her and when it came to not cheating on her. It wasn't a secret around their school that the reason why at least half of those teenage couples broke up had something to do with infidelity on one or both parts of it and it had made her realize, if she hadn't already, that pretty damn amazing guys like Pacey weren't exactly hanging on the trees in a small town like Capeside. She could see herself having a future with him beyond their high school years too, so what was stopping her? Honestly, even she didn't know anymore, yet that little three-letter word that starts with an S an ends on an X still felt like an enormous hurdle to overcome, much more so in the emotional sense than in the physical one.

Now, where she had put the proposition out to him though, did she really want to stop it from happening either? If they were going to stay together for the long haul, they'd have to start doing it eventually anyway, so why not get started on it as soon as possible? With all of these questions confusing her as much as they did, she figured that asking a fellow teenage girl and one that she knew for sure was leading a very active sex life (even if it wasn't with a boy) a few questions, wouldn't be the worst idea in the world.

"Give me a moment to savor this first, Joey. It's far from every day that I can say that I know something, you don't!" Abby told her with a gleeful smile, as the two girls were getting ready to have their talk about human bodies and the wonderful things that you can do to please those bodies. With them for once being the only ones in the house too, this made for as perfect of a time for it as any.

"Okay, what do want to ask me?" Abby asked, after she'd taken her sweet time with "Savoring the moment", as she so eloquently had called it.

"Were you scared before your first time?" she nervously asked Abby, who couldn't help giggling a little at how it was asked.

"Sorry, Joey. It's just pretty incredible to me that you're asking me, of all people, about these things! Isn't this the sort of stuff that you should be talking to Bessie or Jen about? I mean, it isn't like I have any sort of experience at all, when it comes to guys and what to do to their ... you know what, down between their legs!" Abby grinningly reminded her, and now Joey couldn't help herself from giggling along a little either.

"I'm guessing that the same general principles apply to you lesbians, as it does to us straight girls. In any case, I'm afraid that if I even mention the word "Sex" to Bessie, then she'll go right out and buy a chastity belt for me! And you know that I love Jen as much as you do, but something tells me that her past drug and alcohol fueled hook-ups with random guys back in New York, don't compare too much to making love with someone that you're absolutely certain that you're in love with" she explained to Abby, who looked like she more or less agreed with her estimation.

"You're probably not too far off! To answer your question, of course, we both were, but we took it slowly, starting with what we'd already tried and little by little, worked our way into new territory. I think that's the only way to go about it, when you're both a pair of virgins, who don't really know what you're doing yet" Abby calmly explained back and what she said made perfect sense, Joey supposed.

"It's more the emotional part, that I'm sure if I'm ready for. How did you know that you were?"

"If you want the truth, it wasn't until afterwards when we were lying on Melissa's bed, both of us naked and sweaty and basking in the afterglow that I knew for sure. And, if I didn't, then I definitely knew for sure roughly an hour later, when we did it for the second time!"

"How many times did you ... forget it, I don't want to know!"

"Joey, with the exception of perhaps myself, I don't think that I've ever seen a girl be as much in love with someone, as you are in Pacey, and he's proven to you time and time again that he's worthy of your love. I say go for it, if nothing else because I don't think that you could find anyone better to pluck your cherry, or give your V-Card to, or whatever you want to call it. Most of us girls aren't lucky enough to have someone like him to love us back, in case you didn't know" Abby told her and Joey knew that she was right as well.

Could she just go for broke though, and get on with it in the hope that she'd be ready for it when the time came? If you'd asked the "Old Joey Potter" from her pre-Pacey days, the answer would have been a resounding no. Then again, that girl from back then didn't know the first thing about being in love yet, apart from having had some puppy love feelings for Dawson that she could see now were just the fantasies of a girl, whom at that time could only wish to have what she had with Pacey now.

After they'd called an ambulance to get Grams transported to their town's small hospital, all of the worst possible thoughts were flying through Jen's head. What if Grams didn't make it? For herself, it would probably mean that she'd be forced to move back to New York and say goodbye to the life that she'd built for herself in Capeside, still that was only the smallest part of it. Ever since they'd gotten used to living together, Grams had been the rock in her life that she knew that she could always depend on, and the thought alone of not having that wonderful and caring elderly lady in her life anymore, was enough to nearly send her into a panic of catastrophic proportions.

Luckily, it wasn't anything serious, or at least that was how Grams saw it, even if Jen had to very much disagree with her on the matter.

"Jennifer, you don't need to worry about me!" Grams tried telling her from the hospital bed that she would be staying in for the next few days, at least. "Once they've operated that ... what did they call it?"

"A pacemaker" Jen reminded her.

"That mechanical thing into my heart, the doctor told me that I can easily go on living for years like I've become used to, before I have to think about slowing down. Sweet child, it'll all be alright, you'll see" Grams assured her with the kind of caring smile to match that usually had an immense calming effect on Jen, only right now, she was still finding it hard to find any reason to remain calm. "Honestly, I'm more embarrassed than anything else that I made you worry this much about me."

"You had a heart attack, Grams! If you'd died, I wouldn't have known what to do with myself! Promise me that you'll take it easy, at least until after you've had the surgery" Jen implored her grandmother, whose kind smile for her was warm enough to make even the biggest emotional iceberg melt within moments.

"If that's what it takes to put your mind at ease, of course, it's what I'll do, Jennifer. Really, there's no need to cause a fuss over this. With the good lord watching over me, I'll be good as new in no time, you'll see" Grams tried to reassure her, but with the recent shock still being so deeply ingrained in her, it was hard for Jen to see anything positive about the whole situation.

She stayed there right up until visiting hours were coming to an end and one of nurses (in a friendly, but still distinctly firm tone) told her that she had to leave, so that her dear grandmother could get some rest. Leaving the hospital, she heard a familiar voice call out to her from behind and as she turned around to see who it was, it almost felt like fate was intervening in her life, considering the talk that she'd had with Jack only hours before.

"What are you doing here?" Chris asked her, as he hurried to catch up with her.

"I could ask you the same thing."

"I've just finished my community service for the day" he informed her, referring to the rather lenient plea bargain that his lawyer father had managed to get him in the wake of that whole unfortunate death threat situation. "Only twenty hours of it to go and I can once again call myself a free man. Well, more or less. I still don't know when this short leash that my mom has me on will be off my neck!"

"It sounds like your mom is a clever woman!" Jen fired back at him in her snarkiest way possible. All that it did though, was make Chris smile to himself at her small insulf, cleverly veined as it was.

"You didn't answer my question, Jen."

"My grandmother had a health scare, that's all" she briefly told him and to her surprise, it looked like he actually cared.

"Will she be, okay?" he calmly asked and for what was perhaps the first time in the conversations that she'd had with him, it didn't feel to her like he had any ulterior motives, most of which consisted of getting her panties off and herself into a bed with him.

"The doctors seem to think so, but she'll still need to have a pacemaker implanted" she informed Chris, who nodded like he understood where she was coming from.

"One of my grandfathers has one of those that's keeping him alive too. What do you know? We actually have something in common now!" he dryly joked to lighten the mood.

"Along with both of us having a reputation that we'd rather be without, but who's counting?" she quipped back with a small smile, and for the first time since she'd heard that thud up in her room earlier that day, it felt like she was finally starting to calm down again.

"It's pretty amazing what those doctors can do nowadays. Does this mean that you're free for dinner tonight?" he casually tried asking her and even if it wasn't in the same put-on ladies' man voice that he used to use on her, it still made her roll her eyes.

"My grandmother almost died today, and you think that this is the time to start hitting on me again? Learn how to read the room, Chris!" she told him off in no uncertain terms.

"I didn't mean for it to come off that way! You look like you could use a friend right now, that's all" he tried innocently telling her, and even if she was having trouble believing his cries of innocence, he was still right in the part of his assessment that she didn't want to be alone either.

"Do you promise to cool it with the lame come-on lines?"

"I know that I haven't given you many reasons to trust me, but the last thing that I am is some heartless jerk, who'll take advantage of a girl that I happen to have a huge soft spot for, when she's at her most vulnerable. I can be a nice guy, if you'll just allow me to show it to you" he imploringly asked of her, and perhaps it was still a lingering bit of guilt for how she'd humiliated him front of a hallway full of their fellow students, but in that moment, she wanted to believe him.

With her having a constantly more rumbling stomach too, it didn't make for the worst suggestion that she'd ever been presented with.

If there was one thing that Pacey was short on in regard to his social circle, it was guys that he could talk to about sex. Doug was a definite no-go, mostly because he was pretty sure that his brother was gay to the bone and for that simple reason in all likelihood had never tried what it's like to be with a woman, and he knew for sure that Dawson hadn't gone all the way with a girl either, which only left Jack and while Pacey considered him a friend, by far the most of their conversations revolved around the typical small-talk subject that guys like them often have a tendency to fall back on. This only left his dad to go to as his final option and with the two of them only having a mostly civil, but not exactly what you could call close relationship, he quickly disgarded that idea as well.

This meant that for once, he was on his own when it came to finding the right answers, so he'd tried to see it from a practical point of view and had made a three-point list in his head of things to do, in case that Joey hadn't been kidding.

His list basically went something like this:

1. Make sure that having enough contraceptives wouldn't be a problem.

This was the easiest one, seeing as all it took was a visit to a pharmacy to stock up.

2. Try to plan it so that it wouldn't coincide with Joey being on her period.

Again, this was a pretty easy one, considering how long that they'd been building up to it and while it wasn't as if he checked the days on his calendar for when it began and ended each month, he'd more or less gotten used what her "Regular Schedule" went like.

3. Find a motel where he could rent a room without having a credit card.

This, on the other hand, was the biggest roadblock that faced him, and it ruled out every hotel or motel in or in the near vicinity of their town, with the exception of the sleeziest motel in town that also happened to be the only one in town where they still rented rooms out by the hour.

It was an old motel that had been built rather cheaply during Capeside's first real tourist boom way back in the early 1920's and according to local legend, at least at one point during those early days been used as a money laundering operation by the New Jersey Mafia, before they decided sometime in the mid-to-late 1940's that it was too dilapidated to be worth their time anymore. With this being several owners ago and not nearly enough money having been poured into upkeep on the place since then, by the time we'd reached the late 90's, it was more known for its infamous cockroach and rat infestation problems than anything else and whatever money was to be made from owning it had to be minimal at best. It was no secret either, that most people in town thought that it would be a downright mercy killing, if it was to be torn down and, in all honesty, he had to agree with them one hundred percent. In other words, it wasn't the sort of place that an incredible girl like Joey needed to or should be subjected to in his opinion and least of all, on the evening of her big step in womanhood.

That his answer would come in the middle of a normal dinner with his mom and Gretchen wasn't something that he'd expected, but when they told him that they'd be heading up to visit his grandparents and on the weekend of the Winter Formal no less, it had felt like the road was cleared and there was no going back now.

A thought that for as much as it excited him, also scared him more than a little.

If Joey had thought that her talk with Abby would help to ease all of her fears and take away any doubts that she might have had left, she was sadly mistaken. For as fun (and sometimes eye-opening) as their little conversation had been, she still found herself stuck in the same mindset with the same words running through her head that so often did.

"What if I'm ready and I just don't know it yet?"

That simple little phrase had been both a curse and a reminder at the same time, that for as much as she wanted to think of herself as being a young adult now, inside she was in great part still the same insecure big kid that a few years earlier had developed her first crush, the one on Dawson. That for all of the things that she'd tried in between now and then, at her core, she didn't feel like an adult yet and in turn, not ready to do all of the "things that adults do" yet.

Not that she hadn't tried a few of them already. Over in France, where the alcohol laws were far more lenient than in the States, she'd indulged in pounding down the hard stuff her share of times, and living over there had also taught her that if she had to, she could probably get by on her own without having to ask for handouts from anyone. Yet, she still had that fear of what the great unknown would bring her and sex, even if it's the simplest and most natural thing in the world for humans to do, in her mind also represented the final step into adulthood.

To Jen's surprise, Chris actually held off when it came to the flirtation and with him also paying for their dinner down at the "New Ice House" (as most of the locals had taken to calling it, now that it was the Von Wenning family who owned it), she had to admit that he was doing a splendid job too at making the shock of nearly losing her grandmother earlier that day subside a tiny bit. For as little as she'd expected to, she actually enjoyed herself for the most part and it was in no small way thanks to a date, who knew where to draw the line and not put any pressure on her on this day of all days.

"Are you up for a somewhat cold walk down by the pier to wrap our little non-date here up?" he smilingly asked her, as they left the restaurant together after a meal that while it had been tasty enough, still wasn't the same as it used to be back when it was the Potters, who owned the restaurant. In her own humble estimation, anyway.

"This feels like it's been a really long day, so I'll take a rain check, if that's okay" she answered him, getting an understanding look in response.

"When it comes to you, I can settle for a rain check. Jen, I know that I haven't exactly been a saint in the past, but the enormous mess that I got myself caught up in last, made me realize that unless I begin taking my life seriously, it's only a matter of time before I'll end up in a worse situation. Once you've tried what it's like having to explain to your parents that you've been acting like a moron, it makes you take a long and hard look in the mirror" he solemnly explained to her. A sentiment that she could easily relate to.

"Did you like the guy that you saw staring back at you?"

"I used to like him, but I'm not sure anymore. What I'm trying to tell you here is that I'm working hard to turn over a new leaf and learn to start thinking, before I act. Which isn't easy when you've been as spoiled rotten as I have, but I guess that there's a first time for everything" Chris dryly joked and for the first time that she could remember, it felt to Jen like he wasn't trying to put on the act that everyone expected of him.

Was he actually showing a bit of depth here, however, or was it just another act of his to get her to lower her defenses? Part of Jen wanted to believe him, and she probably would have if she hadn't met enough guys like him, to know that until she saw any concrete evidence of change, the jury was still in session when it came to one Chris Wolfe.

END OF CHAPTER SEVENTY-EIGHT