THE FIRST TIME

CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT - TRUE FAITH

"I used to think that the day would never come

I'd see the light in the shade of the morning sun

My morning sun is the drug that brings me near

To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear"

NEW ORDER (Single from 1987)

Joey wanted to be a supportive girlfriend to Pacey. Of course, that's the kind of statement that should be as plain as day as the sun rising in the East and setting in the West, but after he was attacked, it felt like she was out of her depth and it annoyed her endlessly that this was something, she had no experience with whatsoever to draw from. Sure, like most kids do, she'd gotten into the occasional fight on the playground back when they were kids, and more than a few times she'd also had some bruises or a black eye to show for it afterwards. But those were just scuffles between kids that don't know any better and haven't learned yet that diplomacy isn't only the easiest way of solving situations, it's also the only option that's least likely to bring any further troubles with it. Having to care for a boyfriend, who was suffering with psychological trauma, is something completely different and it made her mad at herself for not being better at it than she admittedly was. Especially since she had no doubt that Pacey would have dealt with it so much better, had their roles been reversed.

"I just don't have a clue how to address it, when we're together" she confessed to Jen, while they were hanging out in Joey's new room, that now where all of her things were in it was also starting to get that homely feeling to it, she had been hoping to create. "I want to, it isn't that, I just don't know how to get the conversation rolling, if that makes any sense".

"It does. Look, what happened to Pacey is simply going to take time for him to get over. Wounds on your body heal a lot faster than wounds on your mind, that's just how it is" Jen told her, once again sounding like the adult out of the two of them, even if they were the exact same age. Give or take a few months, of course.

"I guess, you're right. I just wish that I could ... I don't know ... say some sort of magical words that would make him instantly feel better, you know?"

"Joey, magic only exists in fiction and the same goes for magical words, or whatever you want to call them. In reality, all you can do is try to be understanding and most importantly, have a world of patience with him" Jen explained to her, and even if what she was telling her all made sense from a logical standpoint, Joey still felt like those were words that she could keep repeating in her head like a mantra, whenever she began to feel powerless again.

While Joey was having a heart-to-heart with Jen, Pacey was having one of his own with his older brother Doug. Usually, the two of them didn't speak all that often, except for when Doug would come over to their mother's house to do his laundry and they would catch up on how their respective lives were going, but ever since the attack Doug had stopped by every day to check up on him. Something that Pacey didn't mind all that much, even if what he really wanted was to just be able to move on and forget that any of the badness had ever happened.

"Have you considered talking to a psychologist?" Doug asked, looking concerned for him. He'd gotten Doug to drive him down to the pier, so he could finally spend some time on his boat again, still as Pacey had already admitted to himself, it was never the same if Joey wasn't there with him.

"I'm not crazy, Doug!" he quickly stated.

"How many hours at night are you sleeping, then?" Doug asked and had him there. Ever since being assaulted, Pacey was lucky if he got six hours and on most of them, it was more like four or five.

"I sleep enough" he tried telling his brother, who clearly didn't believe him, from the look on his face.

"Pacey, suffering from what they call "Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome" is sadly a common thing, when you've gone through something like what happened to you. Do you sometimes feel like you're back in the moment right before you were knocked off your bike, and you can't explain why?" Doug asked, and again Pacey had to admit that his brother knew what he was talking about. Whenever it happened, it was like his whole body started to shudder and it would usually take him a minute or two, before he was able to shake the fear that came with it.

"Sometimes" he conceded.

"It's simply your brain's way of coping with it. A completely natural reaction. It's important though, that you don't try to ignore it and face those issues head-on. Maybe, it would help if you met the guy, who did it and tried talking to him".

"I've already met him and once was more than enough. Twice, if we count when he decided to use my face as his punching bag!" Pacey stated, making it clear how he felt on the subject.

"I won't try to force you to, if you don't want to" Doug assured him. "You can't ignore those issues though, and just hope that they'll all suddenly go away, because they won't. They tried that after the Vietnam war and what did it get them? I'll tell you, it was a whole generation of traumatized young men, who never stood a fighting chance of becoming the same again. Many of them turned to drugs and alcohol, in the faint hope that it would dim the pain, but it's never been and never will be a permanent fix. What is, is being honest with yourself and coming to grips with this being one time in your life, where you'll need all of the help that you get, to get through it" Doug explained, before a quiet fell over the both of them, as they simply sat there in contemplation and enjoyed the gentle rocking of the sea.

The day after would be his return to school, a day that he'd honestly been dreading, although he wasn't sure why.

If there was one girl in all of Capeside, who was wrecked with guilt more than anyone, Nikki figured that it had to be herself. After they'd come home from the hospital on the evening of Pacey being attacked, she'd cried herself to sleep and for several days afterwards, she'd zoned in and out of reality at random, as she considered over and over in her head what she could have done differently. Her conclusion, if you could say that she'd come to one, was that she should have tried talking to Jerome, still she also couldn't help thinking that it would have been like opening up a can of worms, that was better left staying closed. Her dad had thankfully chosen to try to be understanding instead of scolding her, although he'd also made it perfectly clear that if anything like this ever happened again, then she needed to come to him right away, so that they could hopefully prevent anything like what happened to Pacey, from happening to someone else, who also had done nothing to deserve it.

Strange as it was, she'd actually been looking forward to the day where Pacey returned to school. Not so much because of her attraction to him, even if it surely played a small part in it, but mostly because it meant that she could feel like things were slowly getting back to normal again. She'd only come to visit him one time, at the hospital a few days after he was admitted (yet another thing that she was feeling ashamed of, when you consider her part in him being laid up there in the first place), so this was also her chance to be open with him about how sorry that she was and in everything went right, get his forgiveness. Maybe that way, she would also be able to forgive herself, if it wasn't a fool's hope of her to think that it would be that easy.

"You know Pacey as well as just about anyone here, right?" she asked Andie after their high-level English class together, the only class that Nikki took as a high-level class and even that was solely because her dad had asked her to give it a try.

"I'd like to think so. Why?" Andie perkily answered, not that Andie wasn't perky all of the time!

"If you wanted to offer him an apology, like a really, really big apology, how would you go about it?" Nikki asked, in the hopes of getting just a few pointers that would help her.

"Pacey isn't the type of guy to carry around a bunch of grudges, if that's what you're afraid of" Andie assured her.

"Are you sure?"

"He just isn't like that, especially with us girls. Last schoolyear, I practically threw myself at him, in spite of him having told me that he wouldn't leave Joey for anyone, and do you think he's held it against me for a second since then?"

"Not at all?"

"No, because he's Pacey! He was understanding and calmly explained to me why we couldn't be together, before we hugged it out. He even took me to our sophomore prom afterwards, because he knew that I didn't want to go to it with anyone else and I would have stayed home, if he hadn't asked me. Make it a sincere apology and he'll forgive you in an instant, I'm sure of it" Andie explained, bringing at least some peace of mind to Nikki's scattered thoughts.

What she wasn't nearly as sure of however, was if it would be that easy to forgive herself.

If Joey had thought that Pacey coming back to school had meant a direct return to normality, then the first hours of the school day had already disproven any chances of that happening. Even if he looked like the same old Pacey, and sounded like the same old Pacey, there was something different with him and not in a good way. The things that made him Pacey, the little dumb jokes that he spewed out like a natural reflex to keep everyone's spirits up, or how he managed to stay calm and collected, even when she herself was on the verge of panicking over something that wasn't worth panicking over, had been replaced by a guy who was constantly jumpy, barely spoke at all and even when he was talking to her or his other friends, it felt like his mind was elsewhere. What was worse was that she couldn't think of anything to say, that would change him back into the guy that she loved so dearly, like she wanted him to, as much as she wanted her mom to come back from the grave, or for her dad to somehow move on from losing the love of his life, so he could finally find happiness again with someone else.

After having come to the conclusion that this wasn't something that she could do by herself, she'd made the decision to find someone to ally herself with, but the only question was who. Off the top of her head, Dawson was the logical choice. After all, aside from herself and his direct family members, no one in Pacey's life had known him since they were kids, yet for as little as she liked to admit it, there'd always been sort of a "Bro-Bond" (for lack of a better term) between them, that she figured it was best to stay out of, plus she could only imagine that Dawson was already trying his hardest, when it came to being the best and most supportive friend, he could be. Jen was the most obvious second choice, considering the undeniable bond that her and Pacey shared thanks to their respective unhappy childhoods, but knowing that she too was feeling guilty thanks to her small part in the whole misery of it all, meant that her thoughts strayed towards a wild card of sorts, who'd herself been a victim of domestic violence, in more ways than one. What didn't hurt either was that this girl was kind of a master, when it came to making someone feel appreciated.

"We have to make Pacey feel like he has his self-worth back again. Trust me, getting the hell slapped out of you plays tricks with your mind for a long time afterwards, like you wouldn't believe!" Abby, who'd tried it far more times than anyone should have, whenever her mother took out her drunken rage on her daughter, explained to her. It was also yet another reminder of how glad Joey was on Abby's behalf that she now had not just a safe place to come home to, but just as importantly one where her head wasn't being constantly wrecked by her being demeaned either physically or mentally by the one, who was supposed to protect her from it.

"How did you get past it?" Joey asked, hoping that it wasn't too personal of a question.

"I'm not entirely sure that I ever will, if you want the truth. That doubt in the back of my head, if my mom was right in what she said and did, will always be there" Abby sadly confessed to her. "Pacey isn't me though, and he gets his feelings of self-worth from feeling like he's helping others, so wouldn't that be a good place to start?"

"The only question is how?" Joey mused to herself, when an idea suddenly popped into her head, that she had a feeling just could end up working.

From the moment that Pacey stepped through the doors to Capeside High that morning, he'd wanted to leave again, as soon as he could. It wasn't like there was much point in him being there anyway, when he couldn't concentrate on anything for more than a handful of seconds at the most, before his thoughts started to direct him to dark places, that he didn't want them to go to. Like an annoying mosquito bite that wouldn't stop itching though, it was something that he couldn't ignore and the sympathetic glances that he'd been getting from moment one, only made him feel even more like a victim than he already was. Even simple and ordinary things like hearing the sound of a locker being slammed shut would set off his PTSD, and already by the time they'd reached lunch, he'd had to take several little "timeouts" in the boy's room, in order to get his head straight again. If he could explain to someone what it was like, then he would have, but putting how it all felt into words was something that he quite simply wasn't capable of. Not yet anyway.

To be honest, when Joey had grabbed his hand and told him to come with him, he'd almost refused it, thinking that what she was after was another quick round of making out in the janitor's closet. When he saw what she had planned however, it only made him love her even more than he already did, if such a thing was possible.

There, waiting for him in an otherwise empty classroom were his friends, all of whom greeted him with warm smiles.

"What's going on here?" he asked, since he honestly didn't have a clue yet, at that point.

"We just wanted to remind you of everything that you've done for us" Dawson replied, before Abby was the first one to "take the floor".

"Pacey, I don't even know where to begin, when it comes to thanking you. Before you found me that evening down by the beach, my life was in such a tailspin that if you hadn't shown me the sort of kindness that you did, I don't know what would have become of me. One thing that I can say for sure though, is that without your help, I would have been in a far worse place than I am now. Maybe even dead, who knows? It isn't unthinkable. I guess, what I'm trying to say is thanks for being who you are, because you really and truly are one of a kind. I'm not the only one, who thinks so either, as you can see" Abby told him, before letting Andie take the floor next.

"Pacey, before I met you, I didn't know that guys like you existed in the real world" Andie began. "At first, I just thought "Great, I've finally met a guy who gets me", but you're so much more than that. You're the kind of guy, where I know that even if everything else falls apart, you're my rock that I lean on, my shelter in the storm. Jack and I owe everything that we have here to you, and don't think that we'll ever stop loving you for it".

"What she said. You'll get through this; I know that you will" Jack simply stated with a small smile to go along with it.

"I don't know what to say, that hasn't been said already, Pacey" Jen followed up with. "All that I come up with is to thank you for how understanding that you've been with a basket case like me, who in the search for a kindred spirit was lucky enough to come across someone, that makes her feel better about herself every day of the year. Somehow and for some reason, when I get praise from you, it just means that little bit more":

"I guess, as the newbie here, I'm the one who has to go next" Nikki started, as she shot him a sweet smile. "No one's ever stood up for me, like you did, Pacey. To think that just because I missed my bus and was lucky enough to meet you, I already have a small group of friends that I feel like I belong with here, is the sort of thing that dreams are made of. I'll find some kind of way to make it all up to you, I promise, but until then, you'll have to settle for my undying gratitude".

"You don't have to" was all he could think of saying in response.

"Yes, I do. I've lived enough places to know that guys like you only come along once in a lifetime, and if you're in any doubt about it, then we need to get those doubts erased from your head, as soon as we can" Nikki replied to him, before Dawson was up next.

"Pace, I don't think that it needs to be said, but you're the kind of friend that anyone would be lucky to have. You're kind, considerate, trustworthy and you don't even take a second to think about it, whenever someone needs help, you just help them instinctively, because that's who you are, through and through. I dare even say that I've begun to look up to you, because no matter how hard life has tried to get you down, and it has plenty of times, let's be honest here, you fight and claw your way back up every time, and you'll do the same this time. If there's any sort of way that I can help you with it, I hope that you won't hesitate to ask" Dawson said, in a rare tender moment on his part.

Last, but definitely not least, was Joey, who began her speech by laying a small kiss on him.

"Pacey, I got everyone here together for this to show you, not just that you won't have to deal with this by yourself, but just as much because I love you and I want us to stay together for all eternity. Before we kissed for the first time, I was living but I'd never felt truly alive in the way that you can make me feel, even when we're just doing little things like hanging out on your boat, or trying to study together, even if we both already know how it's going to end, before we get started. I don't even care the slightest that my grades have slipped a little thanks to you, because you've given me so much more than that. I love you, you big lug, in case it wasn't clear from the rest of what I said!" Joey cutely told him, before letting herself be wrapped up in his arms.

Would it be enough for him to return to his old self again, he wondered. Perhaps not, but it was a start on the long journey that laid ahead for him.

After saying her thanks to Pacey, Nikki was feeling a little better about herself, but she still felt like there was one more thing that she needed to do, before she could make peace with the troubled parts of her past. She'd only had to mention it one time to Pacey, before he (as she probably should have expected) offered to drive her the thirty miles down to the holding facility, where Jerome was being held while he waited for the courts to make up their minds on what he would be charged with.

Driving down there with Pacey in his mom's car, she had a head full of thoughts of what she was going to say to her former boyfriend, how exactly to say it and not the least, reminding herself that she had to stay strong in the face of someone, who once meant the world to her.

"Do you think that I should try to forgive him?" she asked Pacey, as they turned onto the road that would take them the rest of the way to their destination.

"Do you want to?" he asked her back, while still keeping his eyes on the traffic in front of them.

"I really can't say. That's why I asked you" she asked him with a small smile, that he returned in kind.

"All I can tell you is that keeping a bunch of negativities bottled up rarely leads to anything good, if it ever does. Ask Joey, and she'll tell you the same thing".

"That's right, her dad was in jail" Nikki reminded herself.

"He wasn't exactly a saint either, even before his life went completely off the rocks. People make mistakes in life, that's just how it is and sometimes, they pay a high prize for those mistakes. My dad's drinking cost him his marriage, Dawson's cheating wound up costing him a girl that he was in love with. I can't say that I haven't made my share of them too. It isn't always easy to forgive yourself for them, but we don't have any other choice, because the alternative only leads to self-destruction".

"Can you forgive Jerome, for what he did to you?"

"I have to, or I don't think that I'll never get over it. Hating someone is easy, but it's the forgiveness part that leads to us healing as human beings. Listen to me, I'm sounding like an after-school special here!" he lamely joked, but in spite of that, she still decided to take his words to heart. "Look, I can't tell you what to do or how to feel, but if you want to move on with your life, there's only one way to do it and it's the hard way" he concluded his little speech with, just as the place where she would see Jerome for what was hopefully the last time, began looming in the distance ahead of them.

Sitting there in the waiting area, she made her final decision; to not let hate or fear consume her anymore. Why? Because after all, the alternative was so much worse.

END OF CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT