THE FIRST TIME

CHAPTER SEVENTY-ONE - SEA OF SORROW

"As you wallow

In a sea of sorrow"

ALICE IN CHAINS (From the album "Facelift" (1990)

A/N: This is another heavily emotional chapter and one that deals with the subjects of losing a parent and mental health issues, just so you're warned.

"Andie, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'll just say it. Your mother took her own life last night".

It had still only been handful of hours, since Andie had received the news from her father that she'd been dreading to hear, ever since her older brother Tim had left this world far too soon and following his death, left their little family in tatters. Ever since, she'd tried to mentally prepare herself for the fact that her mom, who'd been the center point in her life since the day that she was born, wouldn't be the same ever again and she'd tried to stay brave for Jack and her dad's sake, but for every tiny step forward that her mother had taken in the psychiatric hospital, it always felt like she'd taken two giant leaps back right afterwards. There had always been that hope though, that maybe, just maybe, one day she would feel like she had her "real" mom back, a hope that had now been shattered in the worst way, it possibly could have.

"But the doctors told us that she was doing better. It can't be real! She can't be dead!"

Those three short sentences had kept repeating in her head for hours, like a broken record that's stuck in the same groove and can't move forward, like it's supposed to.

Moving forward. How the hell was she supposed to move forward, when the foundation of her entire existence had been torn apart underneath her and all that was left now was a shell of a human being, who had no idea how life would go on from now on? Even if she'd been explained that her mother had managed to break into a medicine supply cabinet, it didn't feel real to her yet, if it ever would. Jack hadn't said a word to anyone in the hours that had passed, and instead locked himself in his room with his own sorrow, to be dealt with in the best way that he could. Not that she could blame him for it, because what can you say to someone, who's suffered the worst kind of loss that anyone could go through? "Cheer up, it could be worse"? That saying only applies when it can get worse, and how could this possibly, in any feasible way, be worse?

Almost the worst part was that she hadn't shed a single tear yet, and it made her feel guilty inside that she couldn't, when her mother had meant the world to her. Right then, the shock was still so emotionally numbing that she couldn't feel anything, not even the sorrow that had instantly hit her, when Tim died. It had led to her crying her heart out for days on end, where she'd refused to eat anything until her one remaining brother had convinced her to, and she'd forced down a dozen or so mouthfuls of cereal, even if it was only to stop him from worrying too much about her. She knew that he would be the first of them to rebound from this, just like he had after Tim had bitten the dust.

Was that all a front however, from how he was really feeling inside? She would often wonder if that was the case and if in reality, he'd been falling apart inside, as much as she was.

"Andie, you can do this. Go across the hallway and ask him, how he's feeling".

Could she? Did she want to? What could she possibly say to make him feel like their entire world wasn't falling apart, now that the one who'd kept them all united was gone and would never be coming back again to remind her that even if one of their loved ones was gone, they still had each other and that life had to go on, because it's what Tim would have wanted.

"I can't, Brown. I just can't" she told Tim, who was sitting across the room from her, looking as real as he would have, if he'd still been alive.

"It's okay, Andie. You can cry too, if you need to" Tim told her, flaunting that sympathetic smile that had always made her feel like everything would be okay again, when she'd grown up and looked at him as everything, she'd wanted to become someday.

Even if she knew that he wasn't there in reality, with her own reality being one that she didn't want to accept, it felt like everything that she had to hold onto was the here and now.

Jack hadn't even known where he was off to, when he'd snuck out of his window and away from the house, where death laid like a blanket of sorrow over it all, from her mom's knick-knack's that still lined the shelves of their living room, and each had a story to tell of how they'd managed to find their way in among their family's other possessions, to the two shells of their former selves, who probably still had no idea that he'd left and he had no clue, how he could possibly go back to. Part of him wanted to hate his father, who had been so emotionally drained from losing his son that he'd escaped off into his own little world, where no one was allowed in, except for him. At the same time, he couldn't blame him anymore, least of all now where he would soon have to bury his wife too and would somehow have to find a way to go on.

The last one that he could cast his anger onto was Andie, who was still reeling from losing Tim and for the past months had locked herself away in her room practically all of the time, where she wasn't at school. He'd heard her talking in there, when he'd put his ear up to her door, and could guess who she was talking to, even if he didn't want to admit it to himself. It was simply too tough to, so he'd tried to go on with his life in the only way that he knew how to, but he knew that it had to be the apparitions of his older brother, which his sister saw whenever she'd felt like she was on the verge of yet another breakdown, like the one she'd suffered in the months after Tim's death. Should it really have been any surprise to him then, that during the worst crisis that they'd had since those dark and best forgotten days, she would find her way back to what was comfortable for her, even if she had to know that their brother was long gone and would never be coming back again?

"Tim would have known exactly what to say. He wouldn't have run away like a coward, like you're doing, you stupid and careless fool!"

Would he actually have though, or would he have been torn apart by loss, the way that the rest of his family had over the loss of him? In many ways, it was a moot point, since it was very unlikely that his mother had fallen into her depression if Tim had still been alive. In all likelihood, they would still be living down in Providence and at least still pretending that the problems in their family weren't any worse than what could be fixed with a hug and an acknowledgement, that even if they weren't exactly doing great, there were still untold millions of others who had it so much worse than they did.

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself and go back to the house! You're only making things worse for them, if they have to worry about you too, you Goddamn idiot!"

As Jack made his way away from the place that they'd called home for the past half a year and change, part of him wanted to never come back there. Still, there was another just as big, if not bigger part, where he kept telling himself that he had to be strong for Andie, who was counting on him now to make things right in her world again, more than she ever had before. Being her protector wasn't just his brotherly duty to her, it was his duty to himself and his only way of keeping himself from going insane with grief, but in order to be strong for someone else, you have to be able to give of yourself and with his head being a mess of cluttered thoughts, it simply didn't feel like he had anything left to give them.

"It can't be real! The people at the mental hospital must have made some kind of horrible mistake and it's some other unlucky family, who have to deal with this hell of emotions, that no one would wish on their worst enemy".

He didn't even know where he was going to head off to, only that he couldn't stay where he was. Capeside had meant a fresh start in his head, but it was now like a prison where he wouldn't feel any sort of calm, until he was gone from there. He'd grabbed what little money he'd saved from various birthdays and Christmas presents, before he'd taken the coward's way out, when he'd carefully climbed out onto the roof of their house and climbed down the tree that almost leaned up against it, until he'd reached the freedom that the rest of the world offered him, when he'd once again had solid ground underneath his feet. All in all, he had around a hundred and twenty dollars in his possession, money that he'd been saving for a rainy day, like his mother had often reminded him that he should. It wasn't raining on this day, where the hot sun had what looked like it was half of the town's population out on the streets, but in his own mind it was pouring down with misery, like he'd never felt it before, not even after his older brother's untimely exit from the world.

"You can't do this! Andie and your dad are counting on you, so just go back there and face the music! Do it! Do it!"

Only, he couldn't. He couldn't give any more than what he'd already given them, and the mere thought of having to sit down with them and trying to explain how what he was feeling felt like a mountain to climb, bigger than any figurative mountain that he'd had to climb in the past, made him even more uncomfortable than he already was.

"Jackers, wait up!" he faintly heard a girl's voice shouting out from behind him, that tore his feeling of self-loathing out of his head for a moment, as he turned around to see who it was. Seeing that it was Abby, he felt like walking on and simply ignoring her, but he knew that if he did, then she would have guessed that something was wrong with him and in turn, probably told the rest of their friends about it.

"Where are you off to?" she asked him, as she came up beside him.

"Why do you care?" he snapped back at her, or in any case, that was how it sounded in his own ears.

"Just curious, I guess. So?"

"I'm ... not sure. I just felt like getting some fresh air, I guess" he answered Abby and immediately wished that he'd come up with a better reply for her. "You?"

"I'm on my way over to Melissa's parents' house for nearly an entire day of us spoiling one another. Are you okay? You don't seem like your usual self" she asked him, looking concerned.

"Of course, I'm not! My mom took her own life, so how am I supposed to ever be okay again? I'm a frigging mess, can't you see that?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, I guess. I just have a lot on my mind today that I'd rather not talk about, if you don't mind" he answered Abby, who seemed like she was fine with him not wanting to discuss it any further.

"I know what you mean. Is it family stuff?"

"You could say that" was all that he replied to her, even if what he wanted to tell her was to leave him alone with his thoughts and his misery, until he would someday be ready to talk about it.

"In that case, I won't ask any further into it. Lord knows that when my mom went into the lowest depths of her downward spiral, the last thing that I wanted to do was tell anyone else about how badly, she was doing. If you want to talk about it someday ..."

"Well, I don't, so can you stop asking me about it?" he sharply bit her off, hoping that it would get her to stop with this meaningless small talk that was the last thing, he wanted to subject his ears to at this time.

"Sure, Jack. I didn't mean to seem nosy, if that's how it came off. We can just walk on in silence, if you don't feel like talking" she told him earnestly, sounding more like someone who understood him than anyone else had for weeks.

And so, they walked on without either of them saying a word, until they reached a crossroads, where she would be heading one way and him the other. Or so, he told her, even if he still didn't have the faintest clue what his end destination would be.

Just when he was at his wit's end, he saw a sign that in that moment felt like it was a sign from the God, he didn't believe in.

It read "Capeside Train Station. 2 miles" with an arrow pointing in the direction of it.

It wasn't until the early evening that Andie's father finally knocked on her door. By then, she'd already gone through every step in the ways of dealing with loss a dozen times, or so if felt to her at least. In truth, she was still in the denial phase and even with "Tim" there with her in her room, it wasn't like the emotional pain had begun to subside in the tiniest of ways and if anything, it only kept getting worse like she already knew from experience that it would for a long while to come.

Time was another concept that was lost on her, and she hadn't noticed that over half a day had passed by, since she'd received the worst news of her life. Right up there with that horrible day where they'd been told that Tim was gone, and they would no longer be able to greet him with smiles and hugs, whenever he came home from college on a short weekend visit, like he'd tried to do once a month whenever his busy schedule allowed for it.

"Andie, have you seen Jack? He isn't in his room" she heard her dad ask her through the door to her room and suddenly, the loss of her mother wasn't the only worrying thing on her mind anymore. As she opened the door to answer him, a wave of fear rose throughout her, akin only to when he'd gotten lost in a mall when they were children, and she'd wept uncontrollably until he was found again. Seeing her father looking so worried only made her feel even worse than she already did, if such a thing was possible.

"He couldn't have gone out without you hearing it?" she asked her dad, who shook his head in reply.

"I've been down in the living room all day, calling members of our family and our old friends to tell them ... I would have heard it, if the front door had been opened, I'm sure of it. Where could he be?" her father asked her, clearly not being able to put into words either what had happened earlier that day, when he'd gotten the call that all of them had been dreading would be coming.

"Beats me" she told her dad, not knowing what else to say.

"I'll check the basement, although I have no idea why he would go down there" her dad replied and went to go looking for his son.

Just moments later, Tim was right beside her again, only to be seen by her.

"Jack has left you, Andie. Just like they all do. Mom, Kate ..."

"Kate didn't have a choice".

"How good friends were you really? If you ask me, I'm guessing that she was using you to get into Jack's pants, only you were too blind to see it".

"You never knew her like I did. Anyway, we can't all be popular and get to pick and choose who our friends are".

"I suppose so. Let's talk about something else, then. Like our dear brother, who's probably already on the first bus out of here".

"He's just lost his mom, cut him some slack!"

"Andie, face it! I'm the only one, who would never leave you. The only one who loves you as much as I say that I do!"

"Shup up, Tim! You're lying! Jack loves me just as much and he would never leave me!"

"Why isn't he here, then?"

"He's just ... I don't know, okay? Maybe, he's gone out for a walk to clear his head and dad just didn't hear him saying goodbye".

"You're lying to yourself, Andie! He's never loved you like I did!"

"That isn't true!"

"You'll never see him again, because you only bring him down all the time. If it wasn't for you being such a nut-job, he could have a normal life and he would have stayed with Jen".

"Stop saying that!"

"You're just afraid to admit to yourself, what you've known for a long time is the truth. You ruin everything for him, Andie, and he would be far better off, if he didn't have to worry himself with how to take care of you all the time".

After looking through the entire house in a state of sheer panic and calling Jen to hear, if Jack could be over at her grandmother's house, she started feeling helpless and alone, even if her dad was there with her throughout it all.

Even after walking the two miles over to Capeside's small train station, Jack still didn't know if he was actually going to board a train or for that matter, if he could bring himself to leave Andie and his father behind, at this time where they needed each other the most. Sitting on a bench down by the tracks, he watched one train after another pull up and passengers get out of them, while new ones stepped on board to take their places.

Could he just run away and leave all of his problems behind? It didn't seem like a feasible solution to him, yet it was the only one that he could come up with and with no one bothering him as he sat there, it gave him plenty of time to think of all of the pros and cons to do so.

If he stayed, then he would know that his friends would be walking on eggshells around him, just like they had to Pacey ever since he'd been meaninglessly jumped and beaten up, something that he wasn't entirely sure if he could handle. He'd already gone through it once following Tim's death and knew from experience how much he'd hated it, when someone insincerely told him that they were sorry for loss, as if they could ever begin to understand what it was like to be him. Most of those times, he'd wanted to shout in their faces to leave him alone and to stop pretending like they cared, when he knew that deep down most of them didn't.

School had quickly begun to seem meaningless to him, and it was only after a visit to the principal's office with his parents that he'd stopped skipping his classes altogether, with him preferring to be alone in places where no one who knew him were likely to find him. It wasn't a healthy way of dealing with it, he knew that much, yet it was still better than having to deal with glances and whispers that even if they weren't directly aimed at him, felt like they were and only made him feel even more alienated to the "normies" than he usually felt most of the time. The alternative though, was a life of uncertainty and on top of that, where would he travel off to? He could go back to Providence of course, but if he did then it surely wouldn't be long until someone from his parents' old social circle spotted him and called to ask his dad, why he was back in town. In truth, he didn't even know if any of them had been told of his mother's sudden passing away, so he wouldn't know who he could trust, if he could trust any of his old friends.

So, he just sat there alone in contemplation on a hard and uncomfortable bench, as the minutes turned into hours and what was left of his sanity seemed to further wither away with every second that ticked off the clock and every breath, he took. Eventually, there was only one more train that was scheduled to arrive that day, one heading for Boston with several stops in small towns along the way, and he knew that if he was going to make a decision, it would have to be soon, or the decision would be made for him.

No one else was there by the tracks, when an attractive college-aged guy came over to him, smiling in his friendliest way at him.

"You wouldn't happen to know if the last train for Boston has left yet?" the guy asked him.

"Not yet" Jack quickly answered him, seeing as he still wasn't much in the mood to have a conversation and even less with a stranger, whom he'd just met.

"Thank God!" the guy exclaimed. "I thought that I'd missed it and would have to spend the entire night here. Do you mind, if I sit with you?"

"I guess not" Jack replied and moments later, the guy sat down next to him.

"I'm Ethan, by the way" the guy introduced himself and it was only now, where his face had been lit up by the lights of the train station lamps that Jack could see exactly how attractive, he really was. "You are?"

"Jack" he introduced himself and got a smile and a nod from Ethan in reply. "You live in Boston, huh?"

"That's where my college prep school is, anyway" Ethan joked, and for the first time in nearly an entire day, Jack found himself smiling the tiniest bit. "Are you a native Capesider?"

"Actually, they call them Capesidians around here. And no, I've only lived here for a little over half a year. What brought you up here?"

"A guy that I'd been flirting with on-line" Ethan confided in him, like he'd known instantly that they were kindred spirits in that regard.

"How did that go?" Jack asked back, and for once, he actually cared the slightest bit about a stranger's love-life.

"He made it sound in his e-mails as if he looked like a young Christian Slater".

"And in reality?"

"Let's just say that he came a lot closer to looking like John Goodman than Christian Slater!" Ethan informed him, leading to them sharing a chuckle.

"Tough luck" Jack answered, since he couldn't think of anything else to say.

"It's what happens. I still met you, so I can't say that my little trip to Capeside was a total bust" Ethan said, with a wink of the eye to add to it.

Was this guy actually flirting with him? Jack honestly couldn't tell, but those sure sounded like flirting words to his ears.

"So, is it just because you're bored that you're spending your evening hanging out at a train station, or are you waiting for someone to arrive?"

"My brother Tim. He's coming in on the train that you'll be leaving on" Jack lied, just so that Ethan wouldn't think of him as some sort of headcase, who was dealing with his grief by hanging out in the most unlikely of places.

"Your brother, huh? Is he as handsome, as you are?" Ethan asked, and now Jack was finally sure that he was being flirted with, and not only that, by a guy who looked like was out of a fashion catalogue.

"How do you know that I'm ... you know?" he slyly asked Ethan, who had to smile to himself at the way, he'd said it.

"Because you remind me of myself, when I was still in high school and trying to deny what should have been plain as day to me, from the time that my friends started gushing over the girls, while I kept looking at them the same way, I always had. Let me guess, you tried dating a girl and she fell for you, only you couldn't get yourself to feel the same way about her that she did about you?"

"Something like that. She's still one of my best friends, though".

"Lucky you. The girl that I dated told me that she hated me, when I came out to her, and she still hasn't spoken to me at all since we broke up. I tried to explain it to her in the nicest way that I could, but ... well, you know how it goes" Ethan explained, and over the next half an hour or so, until the train arrived, they not only exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addresses, but also found out that they had much more in common, like both of them having fathers that it was hard for them to relate to and sisters, they felt like they had to protect. Ethan's sister was a few years younger than him, but for once in a rare while, Jack felt like he was with someone, who both understood him and he could just be himself with and talk openly about the things, he couldn't talk that way about with anyone else.

Most importantly, by the time the last train of the day arrived, Jack had managed to calm down enough that he felt like he could head home to face whatever awaited him there.

"Jack, don't ever do that again! You had us scared senseless!" Andie told off her brother after he'd finally come home again. Before then had gone several hours where she'd been balancing off the edge of a cliff, emotionally speaking and in all honesty, she was just glad to have him back home again.

"I'm sorry, I just needed some time to gather my thoughts" he answered Andie and their dad, who was looking almost as relieved as she was.

"With everything that's happened today, I can't really blame you for it" his dad replied, for once showing the understanding side of himself that had been so sadly missing for most of the time that Jack had known him.

After Jack had a shower, he came in to join her in her room to provide her with an extra bit of information on what had happened, while he'd been AWOL from their home.

"Again Andie, I'm truly sorry, if I've made this day even worse for you than it already has to be" he said, as he slumped down on her bed next to her. "I should have dealt with it differently than I did, but ..."

"It's fine, Jack" she reassured him. "You have to be hurting just as badly, as I am".

"It isn't a day that I ever want to look back on, that's for sure. What's more important is how you are holding up?" he asked her, as always putting her needs first, as if it was a natural reflex for him in times of trouble.

"Not well, but I suppose that was to be expected. Do you think that mom up is up heaven now with grandma and grandpa?"

"I'd like to think that she is" Jack answered her, sounding truthful, at least to her ears.

"He's lying. He never loved her, like you and I did" an inner voice told her, that she tried her best to ignore.

Just like she'd been trying to ignore it all day, not to mention over the past several weeks.

END OF CHAPTER SEVENTY-ONE