Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone!

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Christmas had never felt so heavy. The car was silent, beside for the sound of pouring rain against the windshield and the soft purr of the engine. "I can turn around, Carlisle. We can go home."

"I want you to have Christmas with your family," he mumbled, fidgeting nervously. "I'm not going to take that away from you."

Sighing, I reached over to rub his leg. "Tell me the minute this gets too much, alright?"

Although he nodded, I knew he wouldn't, and I was going to have to keep an eye on him. "Please don't worry about me, Garrett. I'll be okay," he promised. It was unconvincing, and wasn't a comfort to me. He looked fucking terrified.

I hugged him tightly once I was parked in my parent's driveway, kissing his cheek. "I'm not going to be upset if you want to go home early. Just tell me. And you need to say something if you're not feeling well." I blew out a stressed sigh; he's slept worse than usual last night, and the exhaustion was really showing through. The last thing I wanted was for him to have a panic attack in front of my family, and he already looked like he was going to throw up at any second. Over the last twenty four hours, I'd done everything in my power to make sure my father kept his mouth shut about Carlisle, and I just hoped my attempts were worth something.

He kept himself slightly behind me as I knocked on the door, only just holding his ground when mum opened it. She quickly enclosed us both in a hug, as excited as she usually was about the holiday. She not-so-subtly informed me that my brother was already there, and I silently cursed that we'd have to walk into an already crowded room.

"Merry Christmas, boys, I'm so glad you could come." She was smiling, but I could tell she was slightly uneasy, and her smile faded a little as she glanced over at Carlisle. "Come inside before you two freeze. Everyone else in in the longue."

I hoped to god she wouldn't say anything. The absolute last thing we needed now was a conversation about Carlisle's current state. He was watching the floor to avoid eye contact with her, letting go of my hand to fold his arms across his chest. I frowned involuntarily; this self-consciousness was new. Thankfully, she left it alone, taking us both through the house where we had to endure another round of hugs. Eleazar made a point of squeezing all the air out of my lungs as he wrapped his arms around me, and the gesture held more violence than affection. I grumbled at him, but couldn't help it and ended up laughing when he did.

"Brothers," mum murmured softly to Carlisle, shaking her head. "It doesn't matter how old they get, they're still like this. I just hope Garrett doesn't behave like a child at home."

Carlisle forced a laugh, visibly uneasy. "He's very good at home. I think I'm the messy one."

She rolled her eyes, rubbing the small of his back. "You don't have it in you to be messy, sweetheart. How's your new job?" Their conversation continued, and I sighed in relief as I watched the tension start to drop from Carlisle's shoulders. He seemed okay to be with my mother and Carmen, and dad seemed to be leaving him alone completely, which was fine by my book.

"Carlisle!" Kate shrieked as she ran into the longue, running and throwing herself at his legs.

He smiled awkwardly, glancing up to gauge everyone else's reaction. After no one reacted badly, he picked her up, hugging her carefully and listening to her indistinguishable gibberish.

Eleazar elbowed me, grinning. "Looks like you've been replaced, Uncle. I think she's Carlisle's girl now."

I shrugged, rolling my eyes but unable to resist a smile. "Yeah, well, he worked hard to win her over."

"Are you going to say hello to your old uncle, Kate, or does Garrett not matter now you've found a better one?" he called out to his daughter. That made them all laugh, and Carlisle set her on the ground so she could run to me.

"Did you forget about me, miss?" I teased, scooping her up. She continued to tell me all about Santa, and I was helpless but to listen to her story.

"So, are you and Carlisle going to adopt a child, or what? You'd make a good mother, Garrett?" Eleazar continued once Kate was gone again.

I pulled a face, and Carlisle abruptly interrupted, suddenly beside me. The reason for the quick movement became quite obvious when I realised my father had just come into the room. "We're going to get a puppy instead," he told him matter-of-factly.

"We've got no place for a puppy, and you know it," I chuckled, catching hold of his waist and pulling him into my side. I rubbed his arm, trying to distract him enough that he wouldn't panic.

"You just wait until they let me be manager of the store in town, and then we'll see," he teased me. I rolled my eyes, but underneath it all I knew he was still anxious, and that this playfulness had it's limits. I just hoped the crash wouldn't hit until we got home; he was already hyperventilating and very tense.

Are we ready to be parents then?" I squeezed him gently, badly wanting to rush him home and wrap him in blankets.

"Only if it's got four legs," he corrected innocently, his fingers tightening around the fabric of my shirt to calm himself down

"So, basically, you just want a puppy?" I laughed, rolling my eyes as he nodded and bit back a smile.

"When you two move into a place with a yard, I'll buy you one as a wedding gift," Eleazar announced, patting me on the back.

We sat down for lunch, and Carlisle kept hold of my hand, squeezing my fingers under the table. He had assured me that he was okay when I asked, but it was obviously a lie. His position wasn't helped by dad sitting directly across from him.

My father let the awkward silence between them weigh out for a while, but eventually couldn't resist commenting. "Are you feeling alright, Carlisle? You're very pale."

"Yes, sir," he answered nervously, his hold on me increasing.

"Everything with your dad is cleared up now?"

I almost groaned; of course he had to pick that line of conversation. Trying to make eye contact with my father, I subtly shook my head at him, trying to get him to shut up. It seemed innocent; his intent wasn't to hurt my boyfriend, and in any other circumstance it would have been a caring question, but it was only upsetting Carlisle now.

"Y-yeah, it's…over…" he mumbled, refusing to look up from the table top.

Dad sat back, smiling a little. "I'm glad…You let us know if there's anything we can do to cheer you up a bit, alright?"

Just nodding, he was too nervous to do much else. I ran my thumb over the backs of his fingers, only just resisting dragging him out right now. As mum and Carmen set plates on the table, he looked like he was going to be sick, throwing an anxious glance at me.

"You don't have to, Carlisle," I assured him lowly. "Don't worry about it. We can leave now if it's too much."

"…I'm alright…" he whispered back. He managed a few mouthfuls of lunch, but couldn't handle any further conversation with my family. They left him alone, thankfully, and he stayed glued to my side for the rest of the time.

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Although I usually stayed with mum and dad after Eleazar and his family left before dinner, I took Carlisle home as well. I wanted to get him out while things were still relatively good; I couldn't handle him having another bad Christmas, and needed to get him out before he couldn't take anymore. He was becoming a little unhinged, picking at his clothing and shifting uncomfortably. Both of my parents hugged him tightly and thanked us for coming, and we wished them goodnight before we left.

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We showered quickly upon getting home, and Carlisle was dizzy as he stumbled around the bathroom. I fought hard not to react to how sick he looked, but found myself mentally tracing the overly prominent lines of his collarbones, frowning. He managed to get dressed and make it into the bedroom before losing his balance, and I grabbed his shoulders to steady him. "Are you alright?" I asked cautiously, ushering him into lying down.

"…Your father was good to me…" He glanced up at me as he spoke, smiling a little as our eyes met.

I slid my arms around him and leaned down to kiss him. "Thank god; I'd have to kick his ass if he was mean to you on Christmas day."

He didn't laugh, glancing down at our hands as I knotted our fingers together. "…I know it's not late, but will you stay for a while…?" he asked shyly.

In response, I pulled him to bed; I'd anticipated this fragility and it really wasn't coming as a surprise. "Carlisle, what happened that you're not telling me?" The question was like walking on glass, but I couldn't stand it any longer; I couldn't do anything about something he wasn't going to tell me about.

He froze, holding his breath. "…what do you mean…?"

"You're really not yourself." Trying to let him know that I wasn't upset, I kissed him gently, rubbing his side.

"…my father died, Garrett…"

"I know this is more than grief," I murmured to him. "You're pushing away Alistair, and you wont eat or sleep…it's been a month since the funeral, Carlisle. I know you've been really stressed and that you've been under a lot of pressure, but you're unsettled even though you're home now…I love you, and I can't help you get through anything that you wont tell me about."

Surprisingly, that was all it took for him to come undone. He hesitated first, but I knew it was coming. "…I-I wanted him to love me, and I thought that maybe if I went to him when he needed me, that he might not hate me so much…he just blamed me for everything…he died blaming me…everything that I always thought was my fault, he proved that it was…" Swallowing hard, he avoided looking at me. "…I wanted him to forgive me for everything that I did wrong, but that'll never happen now…and I don't know what I'm supposed to do…"

Shifting underneath him and pulling him against my side, I squeezed him tightly. "You're supposed to move forward and be happy," I murmured, kissing his neck as he lay with his head on my chest. "You don't need his forgiveness for that."

"But it hurts, Garrett…Up until now, I could have had a chance to fix everything between us, but he's gone and I'm stuck…" He was almost pleading with me, fighting crying. There was a pause where I didn't know what to say to him, and he contemplated telling me something else. "…I was with him when he died…and I was so relieved that he was gone at first, but…"

"You wanted to give him a second chance?" I realised, unable to keep the distaste out of my tone. That man needed to rot in hell, despite Carlisle's delusion that his father could redeem himself.

"…I wanted him to give me a second chance…" he mumbled. The conversation was pushing him over an edge; his breaths were fast and jagged, catching in his throat as he tried to explain to me what was wrong and struggled to find the words.

"Carlisle," I started, trying to soothe him, but he interrupted me.

Sitting up, he ripped out of my arms, crumbling before I could put the pieces back to together. "He wouldn't even call me by name, I don't know why I was stupid enough to think that he might say 'I love you'. I'm a fucking idiot."

"Carlisle-" I tried again, sitting up to lean against the headboard of the bed. This was going to be a long night, but the looks of it.

"He pretended I didn't exist- I flew all the way over there just so he could tell the nurses that he wanted one of his 'sons' to sign the forms- he wouldn't let me touch him when he needed help a-and he suffered because I wasn't good enough to do anything about it a-and-"

"Slow down, Carlisle," I pleaded, trying to keep track of his emotions before this got out of hand. I wasn't quite sure whether he was pissed off, or just upset, and the more he worked himself up, the harder it was for me to decipher.

"I don't fit in anywhere, Garrett," he burst out suddenly.

Oh for fucks sake. "Where on earth did that come from?" I asked, trying to be patient with him. I was swallowing back frustration; I just wanted him to calm down enough to get a decent night's sleep.

"I don't belong here; the food is different and the people are different and I don't understand your traditions, but going back to London feels worse and it's suffocating and I can't breathe-"

"And you're having a panic attack," I murmured, forcing him to let me hug him. He was in too much of a state to ignore me, and gave in to the comfort fairly readily – much to my relief; I don't know what I was going to do with him if he carried on the way he was. "You get homesick, huh? You've never told me that before."

"…it didn't matter…"

"Of course it matters, Carlisle. If something is making you unhappy, then it matters, alright?" A tense silence filled the room as he considered my answer, keeping his head down so I couldn't read his expression. It took a few minutes, but eventually his breathing evened out again and he caved in to wanting the comfort, shuffling closer to me again.

"Sorry…"

I ignored his apology, sifting my fingers through his hair as he leaned against me. "Things will get better; you just have to give it a chance," I reminded him, gently squeezing him as the warmth of his body against mine leeched through my clothing.

He nodded slowly, unconvinced but agreeing. His fingers slowly became entangled in my shirt, and his breathing evened out as the panic attack gradually passed. "…today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be…"

Unable to resist a smile, I ran my hand up his arm to squeeze his fingers. "Good, you handled it better than I expected, to be honest."

"Such faith in me, Garrett," he teased half-heartedly.

"You know what I mean, Carlisle," I chuckled, shuffling down the mattress to lie flat again. I let my eyes fall closed as my boyfriend fitted himself snuggly against my body. He was close enough that I could feel every breath that he took, and whatever anxiety he had been feeling before seemed to be lessening. I leaned my cheek against the top of his head, squeezing him a little tighter. "I missed this."

He hummed quietly in response, kissing my neck and melting into me. "…the worst part of all of this was having to be apart for a month, I think…made today seem easy…" His hand landed on my hip as I lay down, and he slid his knees between mine to maintain the intimacy. "…Merry Christmas, Garrett."

I couldn't fight off a smile. "Merry Christmas, Carlisle."