So it's been almost a month, here we go! The last sad chapter too.
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This was the lowest I'd ever seen Carlisle get. The doctor had labelled him 'non-urgent', which meant he was waiting a week and a half to get an appointment. I was beyond pissed that they seemed to be forgetting that he'd literally passed out, and that he couldn't eat anything past the nausea. Being somewhat pushed aside by the people he was relying on to get help had been a pretty hard blow, and he'd gone from being overwhelmed and upset, to completely withdrawn and not coping at all.
His hands shook so badly that he couldn't get his key in the lock to let himself into the apartment after work, and I went to open it, not wanting him to struggle any more than he had to. It would only wind him up further.
"Hey," I forced a smile, wrapping my arms around him. It was enough to make him burst into tears, and he was stiff as I pulled him inside so that he didn't have to do this in front of the neighbours. "Carlisle…"
Trying to stifle it, he hugged me back, resting his forehead against my shoulder. "…I'm sorry for doing this to you, Garrett…"
"I know you are," I murmured, rubbing his shoulder. "You don't have to be, though." I wasn't sure how much of this was caused by exhaustion, but I guessed it was a great deal judging by the way he was sleeping. Asking about dinner seemed like a bad idea as well, so I let it slide. I bypassed sitting him on the couch; if he was going to fall to bits, it was better for him to be somewhere where he didn't need to move again tonight.
He flinched when I turned on the TV for background noise, futilely trying to wipe the tears away before they fell. The pull of the blankets was too much, and he crawled into bed before I prompted him to, just wanting to lie down. The bruising from his fall the other day was far too obvious as his clothing shifted; the way he moved was enough to prove that it was hurting.
"You had a bad day, huh?" I asked as I lay beside him. My question only produced more tears, and I hugged him again.
Shuffling closer, he leaned his cheek against my chest, knotting his fingers in my shirt as he nodded. "…can't handle it anymore…" he admitted shakily, guilty.
I sighed and ran my fingers through his hair. "You just need to hold on another few days to see the doctor," I pleaded with him. Whatever was going through his head made me feel ill on his behalf.
He was going to make himself vomit, if he carried on panicking the way he was. Every muscle in his body was tense and it must have been painful by now. "…This was all supposed to end when I left London…"
If nothing else, it certainly couldn't get any worse. I didn't think he'd appreciate me telling him that, though, so I didn't say anything, kissing him again instead. While he tried to calm himself down again, fighting off waves of anxiety, I rubbed his shoulder and focused on repressing a grimace at the bones under his shirt. I couldn't believe the doctors were stupid enough to push him back another week. Fucking morons.
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Despite my boss's good humour in letting me go to take him home, he wouldn't give me the day off to go with my boyfriend to the doctor's appointment. Carlisle didn't seem to particularly want me to come with him either, so I had to let it go. It didn't stop me being fidgety and restless the entire day; I knew he was anxious and not feeling so good about it, and it made me feel like shit for not being able to be with him.
I counted the hours until I could go home. They seemed to drag on forever. I managed to get away five minutes early, but quickly found myself in gridlock rush hour traffic, angrily gripping the steering wheel and gritting my teeth.
Our apartment was quiet as I shut the door behind me, but I knew Carlisle was home judging by his phone and keys on the kitchen table. There were a couple of small pill boxes next to them, and I assumed them to be whatever the doctor had given him this afternoon. A quick google search of their names confirmed that one was a sleeping pill, and the other a form of antidepressant. One dose of both was already gone, and it hurt a little bit that he was desperate enough to take a sedative before six in the evening. Thank god he had it, though.
I shook my head at myself; finding that my boyfriend had been put on medication shouldn't have given me the relief that it did. Anything that would make this easier for him.
"Carlisle?" I called out, tracing him down the hallway. He sleepily glanced up at me as I reached the bedroom doorway, visibly confused and a little startled. I sat on the bed next to him, unable to fight back a smile. "Hey, how'd it go today?" I asked softly, rubbing his shoulder in reassurance.
He forced himself to sit up, rubbing his face as he tried not to immediately fall asleep again. "…okay…he gave me some stuff to take so I can sleep, and…" Looking away, he avoided bringing up the other pills, and I let it slide. If he didn't want to talk about it yet, then I wasn't going to push him into it. The thought of it was making him anxious, despite his state, so I left it alone. I was pretty sure whatever it was had been the reason he hadn't wanted me to be in the appointment with him.
"Well, it's working, isn't it?" I chuckled, watching him struggled to stay conscious enough to speak to me.
He nodded, forcing a tired smile. "Yeah…he said it might make me feel like crap for a few days until I get used to it, but it's okay for now."
I leaned down to kiss him, giving him a gentle squeeze. "I'll get you when dinner is ready, go back to sleep."
He didn't get much choice really, needing to sleep too urgently to resist it and quickly curling up under the blankets again. I stayed and watched for a moment, frowning; medication was a start, but it wasn't going to fix everything, and he did really look awful.
In the kitchen, I tried to make a meal that might at least be semi-appealing to someone with no appetite. Avoiding anything with a weird texture or a flavour that was too strong was a safe bet, but getting him to regain all the weight that he had lost was going to be a long process if he couldn't eat very much.
He wandered into the kitchen an hour later, hugging me from behind. His hands were still cold, but he was definitely more relaxed now.
I smiled involuntarily and turned to face him. "How long did the doctor say it would take for the pills to start to work properly?" I asked as I wrapped my arms around him.
"Another week," he groaned, frustrated. Burying his face in my shoulder, he tried to smother a wave of emotion, but couldn't quite manage. "But I have to go to work tomorrow, and I'm scared I'll get dizzy again, and if the pills make me sick, t-then…"
"Then I'll take you home and tuck you up in bed. It'll be okay." It was hard to tease, and I gave it up pretty quickly; he needed genuine comfort, and I'd be a shitty boyfriend if I didn't give it to him. Running my hand up his back, I rubbed his shoulder, repressing a sigh. "I'll keep you safe, Carlisle, don't worry about it, and I'll drive you to work tomorrow morning so you don't have to get up early, okay?"
He didn't have the energy to fight me, shakily agreeing and tightening his hold on me. "Your mum rang me today, to make sure I was okay…" It was almost a question, like he was checking it was alright, but I smiled anyway.
"You're part of the family now; you can't stop her worrying about you." She'd asked me how he was feeling a few days ago too, and had instantly been concerned when I'd told her what was happening to him. She was pushing for a family lunch, and I was sure it was born out of her need to see for herself how he was. That wasn't going to happen for a while yet, if I could help it. Not until Carlisle could handle being subjected to dad again.
"…it's nice…"
"It's supposed to be." I kissed him softly, my heart warming; acceptance would only bring good things for him.
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Between not feeling well and being irresistibly tired, Carlisle really struggled during the day. He worked from home most days, fighting his way through paper work and only going in to the shop if he really couldn't avoid it. The doctor's warning had been right; the side effects of the medication had been brutal for the first few days, but it did seem to ease as time went on. Either that, or my boyfriend became better at hiding his symptoms.
Despite the situation, I did sort of like having him home all the time; I liked being hugged the moment I opened the door and being greeted by someone who was pleased to see me. Leaving him home alone was becoming less scary as well; I knew he'd only fall asleep, and his panic attacks weren't as vicious.
We spent most evenings on the couch after dinner, mindlessly watching movies to pass the time until it was late enough to be considered bed time. It was nice that it was winter too; being so close to each other helped to combat the cold. The small meals Carlisle managed to eat helped him gain a little weight, but it wasn't enough realistically.
Tonight was no different. Listening to the rain against the window, I sat with my arm around Carlisle's shoulders, his legs across my lap and his head on my shoulder. His hand was on my thigh, lightly teasing the fabric of my pants with his fingertips. There was a little more colour in his face than there had been since he'd come home, which was definitely hopeful. I leaned down to kiss his cheek, wrapping my other arm around him to pull him closer.
"You feeling okay?"
"Yeah." His lips brushed my throat, his hand tightening around my thigh momentarily. "Lot's better."
Knowing that it was actually true for the first time in god-knows-how-long brought an involuntary smile to my face. "You're more 'yourself' than you have been in a while."
"I feel good, Gar…" He glanced up at me, smiling as I ran my fingers through his hair. I wasn't dumb enough to take that at face value and fully believe him yet, but it was a comfort to hear it. His problems with his father wouldn't just disappear, but as long as he was coping, it didn't matter right now.
I kissed him, pulling him closer so that I could hug him properly. The extra warmth of his body against mine suddenly made a day's work very apparent, and I leaned my forehead against his shoulder as my eyelids started to become heavy. His free hand slid across the back of my neck, lightly playing with my hair as I pressed a kiss against the base of his throat. "I guess the doctor did know best then, hmm?"
He hesitated, tensing a little bit. "…he put me on antidepressants…"
"I know. Why've you been nervous to tell me?" I asked softly. It'd been a few weeks since the appointment, and he hadn't said a word about it since coming home. "It's not a big deal, Carlisle."
"I don't know…taking them makes me feel like I've done something wrong…they make me feel better, but I feel bad about having them, and I didn't want to talk about it…" He was mumbling, half avoiding the conversation. If he wasn't so entangled in me, I wouldn't have been surprised if he had moved away from me.
"And you want to talk about it now?" Affection seemed like a good distraction, and I pressed kisses along his jaw, working my away along until our lips met.
He let the kiss continue for a moment before pulling back and shaking his head. "No, but I don't want to hide things from you either."
I left it alone then, not wanting to push him. "If it upsets you, we don't have to talk about it; it's okay. I'm happy you told me, though."
"Thank you for putting up with me."
"I love you," I chuckled, stealing another kiss. "Besides, I cry when you try and take me to dinner, so I think we can call it even."
He laughed and rolled his eyes, and another smile crept across my lips as I realised how much I'd missed this playfulness with him. "You know it's been almost a year since we met?"
"You mean, it's been almost a year since I suddenly developed an interest in reading the newspaper?" I laughed.
"Did you ever actually read them?" His fingers edged under my t-shirt to trace circles against the small of my back.
"At first, yeah…and then I just did the crosswords in the back," I admitted sheepishly.
"Such a waste of paper," he murmured, condescending patting my hand.
I rolled my eyes as I chuckled to myself. "It wasn't a waste if I got you out of it."
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The cold weather was really starting to get to me. I mean, it was always pretty bloody cold here, even in the summer, but this was fucking ridiculous; it was almost lunch time and I was still shivering. Everyone in the office was huddled around the heaters, still wearing their coats from outside. I was in a sour mood; I hadn't had time for breakfast this morning, and I was paying the price.
"Your boyfriend is here," the woman in the cubical next to me murmured, her eyes trained on the door.
Glancing up, I wasn't sure whether I was pleased to see him, or annoyed that he'd left the house in this weather. Still, if anyone was going to look cute bundled up in wet weather gear, it was Carlisle.
I couldn't kid myself; of course I was pleased to see him.
"What're you doing?" I scolded lightly as he came closer, unable to keep from smiling anyway.
"You didn't eat before you left, so this is the next best thing." Sitting in front of me, he set a thermos on the table, presumably full of coffee. His hair was wet from the rain, sticking to him when he tried to brush it off his face. "It's too cold to not eat all day; you'll get sick."
I kissed him, slipping my hands under his jacket as we hugged to make sure that he wasn't soaked through – he was dry, thank god. "Thank you. You should be at home, though."
He rolled his eyes at me. "I can't stay there all day, Garrett, I'm going insane."
I held my tongue; mothering him wouldn't get either of us anywhere. "Just be careful; you've only just got yourself feeling better. We don't need you getting sick on top of that."
"I'll be okay." Squeezing my fingers, he offered me a shy smile. "I'll make dinner for when you get home, but be careful driving, okay? It's really wet out there."
"I'm sure I'll be drier than you," I teased. It wasn't something that he needed to fret about; I knew how bad it was out there. Driving this morning had been a little bit 'touch and go' with all the water on the roads, but it wasn't like I was going far.
The rest of the day passed in a blur, but by the time I got home, I was more than happy to be inside. The windshield wipers in my car struggled to compensate for the torrential rain, and I could barely see where I was actually going and just hoping for the best. It wasn't too bad, but I was relieved to have made it to my front door alive nonetheless.
My boy greeted me with a kiss and a quick hug, already trying to get my soaked jacket off me before I'd shut the door. I wrapped my arms around him, laughing. "Slow down, Carlisle. It's fine."
He couldn't wipe the anxiety off his face, and I wondered if I'd misjudged his mood this afternoon. "I know you said you only do the crosswords, but have you seen the news?" he murmured, briefly glancing at the channel playing on the TV.
Sure enough, the breaking story was the storm that had set over us, and that roads in the city centre were shut due to flooding. "My parents…" Immediately my heart rate started to pick up; mum and dad were in a prone area, and I was already trying to figure out the logistics of safely getting them here through the weather.
Carlisle squeezed my arm, trying to reassure me. "I've spoken to them already, Garrett. They're fine. Eleazar and his family are okay too"
Breathing a sigh of relief, I kissed him again. "God, I love you so much."
"Come and have dinner; you haven't eaten all day."
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A booming clap of thunder woke me up. I jolted upright in bed, instinctively reaching across for Carlisle's hand at the sound. He slid his fingers through mine automatically as I touched him.
"You've missed most of it," he whispered to me, shuffling closer as lightening lit up the room. "The power is out too."
One glance at my alarm clock confirmed that. My eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness, and I watched as my boyfriend crawled out of bed to tug open the curtains. The city was dark, and I could barely make out the outlines of the neighbourhood. "You've been awake a while, then?" I sat back against the headboard, pulling him into my lap as he got back in bed.
"I can't sleep…" He relaxed into me readily enough, but there was a good deal of anxiety underneath it all. I just hoped this wouldn't provoke a panic attack; he seemed to have it under wraps for now, though.
"It'll be fine." I locked my arms around his chest, resting my chin on his shoulder. I hated myself for asking, but I couldn't help it. "You've taken your medication, right?"
He nodded guiltily, kissing my hand as much as he could reach from the way I was holding him. The question had made him a little bit uncomfortable, as much as he tried to hide it.
"I didn't mean it like that, Carlisle, I just don't want you to worry more than you should," I murmured, squeezing him a little.
"…I know…" He leaned into me, and we both fell quiet as the sky exploded again, content to just watch it for now. I doubted either of us would be sleeping much tonight.
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