As usual, I'll be back to finish any horrendous grammar errors. Thanks for sticking around for 71 chapters :,)
For as much as I hated walking, I was starting to like it. Wandering the various trails and doing some occasional off-track exploring with Carlisle was rather enjoyable. We started with just walking around our new neighbourhood - the change of scenery was still exciting - so that it wasn't so hard for me when we attempted the longer tracks later on. My boyfriend was very tolerant of the whole thing, keeping pace with me without skipping ahead. It gave us a much needed break from the monotony of our jobs and the last of our unpacking. I wasn't sure how Carlisle had managed to coax me out, but I was very glad that he did.
Tonight, our conversation had faded into a comfortable silence as the light started to disappear from the streets, only broken by our footfalls and the soft chorus of birdsong in the trees around us. Carlisle kept his hand in mine as we made our way back home, present but preoccupied.
"Hey, Gar? What are we doing for father's day? Your family celebrates that, right?" he asked after a while.
The question seemed random to me, until I realised that it was only a couple of weeks away. "I usually go to my parents for lunch, but we don't have to do anything if it's going to be too much." I squeezed his fingers, fighting back a frown. This year wasn't going to be easy; it was the first year since he'd lost his dad, and I wasn't sure whether it was going to upset him or not.
He shook his head. "I'll be fine; it was never anything but a pain in the ass for me before. It doesn't make a difference that the bastard's dead." His dark response didn't give me much faith.
"Are you sure, Carlisle?" I pressed.
"Yeah."
"You don't sound sure. If it's going to make you sad, then we'll stay home and pretend it's not happening."
"I'm not sad about it, Gar, and I'm not sad that he's gone. I'm just mad that he made me think that it was my fault for so long, and that I have to feel like shit because he couldn't be a good parent."
That was progress, I guess. "You've been talking to the councillor about this?" My words made him bristle at first, but for the first time he didn't outright reject the conversation.
"Yeah...I guess it's helping after all. And you, and moving house, and camping and everything...things are finally going well for us."
I smiled, catching his waist and turning him to face me as we came to a stop. "It's about time. We just have to sort your job out now."
Carlisle's new manager emailed him every few days, apparently 'checking up' on him, though I suspected it was more making sure he wasn't about to cause any legal drama for them, and it was putting him on edge. Eventually he broke, telling him that he couldn't work there anymore and was going to leave.
Although we initially only got silence out of them, the company was quick to call him in for another meeting as soon as they got wind of him wanting to quit. I'd expected it to be with the same man as last time, just three of us, but when we walked in there were two extra people in the room. Carlisle paled when he saw them, and I guessed they were higher management or something. It only took a few minutes for them to be done with pleasantries and small talk, and they cut straight to the point.
"Would you stay with us if we offered you a position away from the office?" one of the men asked. His voice was gravley and he sounded like he'd been smoking since childhood. Having him loose obviously made him too much of a liability.
"You mean back in the shop?" Carlisle asked, fidgeting with his hands under the table. I wanted to touch him, but I didn't want to ruin anything for him by being unprofessional. "With Sue?" The last bit was hopeful. Whether she was there or not, I doubted that he could handle being there either. There was no way he wasn't going to freak out as soon as there were too many people in the shop.
He shook his head. "No, I mean design work for us."
Still not really understanding, he glanced at me, shrugging as our eyes met.
The man from our last meeting finally spoke up. "I've heard you're quite artistic - Caius showed me some of your work before he, uh, left - and I think you'd enjoy it; you would be able to work mostly from home, if that is what you preferred. We can enroll you in a basic graphic design course if you were to take the job, to get you a bit of training." He smiled at both of us, more reassuring than the other two.
I would have loved to have known how Caius got hold of Carlisle's artwork. Glancing at Carlisle, I could see how conflicted he was about the whole thing. "Can I think about it?" he asked timidly, looking to me for approval. They were visibly surprised at his answer; they must have expected him to blindly agree - I had too.
"That's fine, Carlisle; just get back to us," he told him. He stood up to shake our hands again as we said goodbye to them, more aware of how intimidating the whole situation was for my boyfriend than the others.
"You're not going to say 'no' are you?" I whispered once we were in the elevator. It wasn't until I turned to look at him that was realised how anxious this was making him. "What's the matter, Carlisle? This is perfect for you." I slipped my arms around him, rubbing his back as he leaned his head against my shoulder.
"I want to take the job, I'm just scared I won't be good enough. I don't have a degree in this stuff - I draw for fun," he mumbled into me. "This isn't what I planned on, and it makes me nervous."
"Why don't you just give it a go; try it out and if it's the worse, then leave like you thought you were going to." The door binged open and I let him go, settling for holding his hand as we walked out. We drove home in almost silence, apart from my occasional attempt to get him talking.
"I really don't want to work there anymore, Garrett…" he mumbled. "I don't think I can do that job- it's stupid they're giving it to me anyway; I'm not qualified for it." Even after we'd parked outside of our building, he didn't get out of the car immediately, watching his lap as he fidgeted. "It makes me feel like shit; they're pretty much just buying my silence."
"I know it's weird, Carlisle, but think about it. They're giving you free training, and you'd be able to work from home most of the time. You won't have to be in office anymore," I reminded him, reaching over to rub his thigh.
"Why do you want me to take this job so badly? What difference does it make to you whether I work for this company or another one?" There was more hostility in his voice than I appreciated, but I didn't call him out on it.
I sighed, finding his hand and squeezing his fingers. "Please don't be upset with me, I'm not trying to hurt you. But I saw how nervous you got when we were around all those people at the carnival, and I don't want you to be stuck in an office, or a shop or something, and get anxious and not be able to get out."
He looked discouraged, the fidgeting increasing and becoming destructive as he picked at his fingers. "I can't stay at home forever…"
"I know, but just for now, it seems like a good option to me. Just until you get everything sorted out, and you're feeling better." I stilled his fingers, stopping him hurting himself. "If you hate the idea of it, I'm not going to force you into it. You don't have to do it."
"I don't know." Without warning, he jumped out of the car, going to stand by the building door to wait for me to get my shit together. He was playing with his phone, I hoped not annoyed enough with me to be texting Alistair about it.
I got my jacket and climbed out. "Carlisle, please don't do this. I'm not trying to force you into anything, I just-"
"And I don't think you are but I just want to go inside because I feel like I can't breathe out here," he burst out, practically pleading with me to hurry up. "Please, Garrett…"
This was the exact behaviour I was thinking about before. I jogged the last few steps to him, handing him to keys so he could go as quickly as he wanted. His hands shook too much for him to get the right bit of metal in the door, and he eventually gave up and asked me to do it. He followed me into the elevator, hugging me once the door was closed. "I love you," I murmured to him, rubbing his shoulder as I wrapped my arm around him.
"I love you too," he mumbled back. He sounded quite disheartened, perhaps disappointed in himself, and my heart went out to him. His shoulders slumped and his posture dissolved, but he kept his hand in mine as we made our way into our new home. "I'll email them back, Gar, I'll take that job...I guess I can still quit if it's awful, and nothing changes, right?" Still, he didn't sound that sure about it; I was going to have to be really careful with him for the next few weeks.
.
.
We made dinner together that night. Theoretically, it was my night to cook, but Carlisle had started it, pulling out the ingredients and utensils we would need. I felt way too guilty to let him do it alone, and found myself in the kitchen with him. Normally we worked around each other seamlessly, but I was falling over him tonight; he was so preoccupied with whatever he was worrying about that he wasn't paying attention, spilling things and knocking things over as he worked. It all came to a head when he knocked a knife off of the bench, slicing his hand open in the process.
"Carlisle, Jesus." Closing my fingers over his wrist, I made him hold his hand under the tap, relieved to see that the gash wasn't very deep. He immediately started to apologise, his breath started to catch, but I shushed him. "I'll finish cooking, you just wrap this up and sit down, okay?"
He nodded slowly. "Okay…" Holding back tears, he did what I'd said, getting the first aid kit and then going into the lounge. His silence worried me. Once he was gone, I didn't hear a peep from him, and my nervousness about it only grew as I finished up.
Unable to stand it any longer, I wandered into the room to find him. "How's your hand?"
"It's okay." The cut might have been fine, but my boyfriend wasn't. He'd found Fox, anxiously holding her against his chest as he tried to force air into his lungs. After a few seconds of me standing there in silence, he dissolved. The panic consumed him until he couldn't speak to me, couldn't move, couldn't do anything other than shake and cry. The kitten squirmed in his hands as he freaked out, not liking the sudden outburst of emotion and clawing him until he dropped her. Her rejection seemed to hurt more than it should of.
At a loss for what to do, I sat on the edge of the couch next to him. "Do you want dinner?" I asked softly. He immediately shook his head, choking back a sob in his throat. "Give me a minute, then." Sighing, I went back to the kitchen, covering all of the food and putting the dishes in the sink before going back to him.
He stiffened when I settled next to him again. My presence seemed to squeeze the air out of his body until I was sure he was going to pass out. He was bracing himself against his knees, trying to stop the trembling, but he was so unsteady that I knew he would fall if he'd tried to stand.
He might have hated me at that moment, but I couldn't leave him like this. "Carlisle…" Against his will, I shuffled closer, sneaking my arm around his waist and rubbing his hip. "Is this about work? What's happening?"
Too numb to answer me, he just shook his head. The colour rose in his cheeks, the stress pumping adrenaline through his system. Fox was crying, but he wasn't hearing her, ignoring her sharp nips at his ankles. I knew I needed to get him in bed. Sooner rather than later, he was going to collapse, and that wasn't going to help things at all.
"Come to bed," I instructed. I stood, tugging him to his feet, only to find that he was rigid with tension and resisted any movement. "You need to lie down, or you're going to fall," I repeated. He wasn't hearing me, blankly watching the hallway in front of us as I forced him to walk. His chest spasmed and his hand flew to his throat in his fight for air, shivering like he'd been submerged in a bucket of ice water. Once we got to our room, I fought him into bed, relenting once he was stable.
I didn't know what to do about his anxiety; I'd never seen him have an episode this severe before. Caius or not, he'd never had a meltdown like this in front of me. Slowly, I gently pulled his hand away from his neck, frowning at the gouges his fingernails had left in his skin in his attempt to ease the tightness there. I just squeezed his fingers, keeping a tight grip on them as I sat with him. A lump formed in my throat; I felt like I was watching him choke and couldn't save him, like some kind of bad movie.
It took hours until he exhausted himself to the point that he was forced to relax, no longer gasping for breath. With my fingers over his wrist, I could feel his pulse still going a million miles an hour, but the shaking was less, at least. "Can you talk to me now?" I asked softly. I slid my hand down to find his fingers, and his hold on me was so tight that it was almost painful. I brushed the back of his knuckles with my thumb, wanting to soothe him but not knowing how. "Tell me what's wrong?"
He tried to steady his breathing, throwing a quick glance at the clock. It was nearing midnight now. "..I feel so stupid, Gar…" he managed to get out eventually. "...I can't do what they want...I get so homesick and I know it hurts you but I can't stop, and I'm not going to be any good at this job and I'm scared you're going to be pissed off with me when I fail and have to quit…" The words bubbled out before he could stop them, and I had to swallow back a lump in my throat. "I don't know what to do."
I lay down on the bed, dragging him with me and holding him tightly against my chest. "I'm not going to be upset with you if you still can't be with that company, Carlisle, I'm not going to blame you. I love you." Despite my best efforts, tears escaped before I could stop them. I hated that this was what was making him feel so awful, and I knew I'd caused it by pushing him so hard. Thankfully, he'd curled up against me, and I didn't think he'd noticed my reaction. "I'm sorry I made you think like that."
"...You didn't listen when I told you it would make me sick, and it did, and…" Tired, there wasn't much conviction in his voice, but I deserved the blame all the same. The tension was finally gone from his body though.
"I know, I'm sorry, Carlisle. I'm really sorry." I knew that was why he hadn't called me to take him home, because he didn't trust me not to fight him on it. "I love you."
"I love you too." His fingers knotted in my shirt, holding himself closer to me. Taking that as a good sign, I pulled the blankets over both of us, shifting my arm so that he could rest his head on my shoulder.
"Are you okay?" I asked softly. Obviously not, seeming as he'd spent the last few hours hyperventilating; it was a dumb question. Sighing, I locked my arms around him, my hand sneaking under the back of his t-shirt as it shifted when he moved. I let my fingertips trail across his skin as I rubbed the small of his back, relieved that he was letting me get this close to him. The contact between us calmed me almost instantly, and it seemed to help him as well.
He nodded slowly, sleepy now. "Yeah, just overwhelmed." Shifting onto his side, he pressed a careful kiss against my throat, one hand gently teasing my chest while the other weaseled it's way around my middle.
"Alright." I kept slowly rubbing his back, reaching over to switch off the lamp once he'd finally fallen asleep. The light died, but my guilt didn't.
.
.
I called in sick to work the next day. Sooner or later, I was going to get in trouble for taking so much time off, tied in with my general uselessness at my job, but I couldn't bring myself to care at the moment. I somehow managed to wake up a little before Carlisle did, and switched off all of his alarms so that he'd stay asleep, sneaking into the kitchen to make us both breakfast.
It wasn't long before he came in behind me and I heard him hesitate in the doorway. "Come and sit at the table; do you want something to eat?" His silence made me turn, and instantly I was more than glad I'd chosen to stay with him today; pale and withdrawn, I knew he wasn't feeling good. "Are you okay?" I asked him softly, my hand catching his as I pulled him into the kitchen. My arms found their way around him, holding him against my chest until he relaxed.
"Are you staying home?" He's barely dared to ask that, his fingers tangling in my shirt like he was willing me to stay there.
"Yes, Carlisle. Unless you want me to go." Sliding my hold on him up, I slowly rubbed his shoulder, biting back a smile when his visceral reaction to me leaving was to pull me into him.
"No, please stay," he pleaded. "...I need you today…" Suddenly, he hugged me tightly, to the point that it was hard for me to take a breath in. "Garrett…"
"I'll stay with you," I assured him. I slowly guided him forwards until he was sitting at the table, a little worried when I saw how nervous he was. "Are you hungry? You didn't have dinner last night." Like expected, he shook his head. I gave up on eating as well - not that I could have any appetite while he was so unsteady. "Back to bed, then? We were both up too late last night." I kissed his forehead, wanting to reassure him.
Eventually, he silently nodded and turned to head back down the hallway. He was so jittery that he struggled to walk without tripping, and I tried not to sigh; none of this was his fault. "Will you come?" he asked as he reached the bedroom doorway.
"Yeah, just give me a minute," I told him. While he waited, I quickly shoved the food I'd dragged out back into the fridge, seeming as we weren't going to have breakfast, and set about making hot chocolate. A couple of warm drinks later, I had Carlisle wrapped in our comforter in bed, cuddled into me while we watched children's cartoons on my laptop.
My hand wandered up his body, squeezing his shoulder before brushing my fingers through his hair. "I love you, Carlisle." Even though he was so near falling asleep that he couldn't really respond, his quiet hum brought a smile to my face. "Are you feeling better?"
He squeezed me in response, moulding his body to the shape of mine. "Yeah, I'm okay. I just need you to stay…"
I sank back into the pillows, letting my eyes fall closed as the exhaustion from the night before took over. "You couldn't make me leave if you tried."