Milestone chapter, anyone? I wrote the ending several times, but they all seemed awkward so idk.

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Not having a job was making me insanely insecure. Carlisle had gone over to help Alistair pack up in preparation to move, but all I could worry about was that both Al and Edward would be there, and I wouldn't be. It didn't seem to matter that any romantic feelings my boyfriend had had for either of them had died months ago. It mattered even less that he'd told me time and time again that I could come too, if I wanted. All of this was stupid. I should have been more worried about Randal being an asshole.

Instead, I put all of my energy into cleaning every inch of our apartment - I may as well put my time off to good use. We were normally pretty clean, but it had been a few months since we had moved in and dust had already begun to build up. It had also been far too long since we'd done any laundry, and the oven was collecting a layer of grime. The windows needed cleaning too. It was all just an excuse to move around, really; if I didn't do something, I was sure all my pent up energy was going to turn into an argument when Carlisle finally got home, and I really didn't want to fight with him.

The bleach burned my hands and making my eyes water, but I still doused the kitchen and bathroom, changing the sheets on the bed and running the vacuum over the floor before I was finally too tired to do any more. I plopped myself down on the couch, unable to suppress a chuckle at how mightily pissed off our cat looked about all my activity; her ears were flattened against her skull, whiskers pointed forward and unimpressed, her fat sausage of a body wedged under the coffee table to escape the vacuum. She was helping to lessen the blow of being alone all week.

It still seemed like an eternity before my boyfriend came home again. He'd left early this morning after barely saying goodbye to me, and had been spending all his time on a project he'd taken on head first last week. It was good money, apparently, but I wasn't sure that I approved of his current stress level. And I missed him. I had far too much time to miss him.

"How'd it go?" I asked, managing to curb prodding at him for details until he'd managed to put down his keys. He looked exhausted, guilt starting to pick at me as I realised how petty I'd been being all day; I really should have gone with him.

"It was okay; Al is flying out tomorrow, so I guess we won't see him for a while, and…" He coughed and trailed off, trying to hide the fact that his voice had broken. His eyes wandered around the kitchen, eventually landing on the rearranged living room furniture. "Are we moving again too?" The joke wasn't all that jovial; he was just trying to distract himself.

I wrapped my arms around him, squeezing him tightly against my chest. "I was just cleaning up; I'm going stir crazy," I murmured, rubbing the small of his back. The way he immediately latched on to me was proof enough that he was more upset than he wanted to let on.

"It looks nice, Gar, you did a really good job," he mumbled, his voice muffled by my shirt as he leaned his head on my shoulder.

"I'm basically the chubby version of a housewife," I grumbled. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I caught the look on his face and knew he was about to reprimand me for the self-depreciation.

He seemed to realise that I didn't want to hear it, barely cutting himself off before the words came out. Instead, he tangled his fingers in my hair and pulled me down for a kiss. "I don't know, I think you'd look cute in a maids outfit," he teased.

I rolled my eyes. "Does that make you my rich husband, then?" I slowly slipped my fingers under the back of his shirt, needing the security of him close to me.

"Well, I'm an immigrant and don't really have any money, and I can't change a car tyre," he laughed. The sound was sad, and I guessed today hadn't gone as smoothly as he wanted to tell me. I really should have gone with him.

Squeezing him a little tighter, I kissed his neck. "None of that matters; you'd be a perfect husband," I mumbled.

"So will you, Gar. You're too hard on yourself."

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Over the next few weeks, all I got was rejection emails, letting me know that I wasn't good enough to be hired, and never leaving the house was making me put on weight again. And I hated myself. I knew that I was being weird with Carlisle, self-conscious and uncomfortable, but he was sweet and understanding as usual. I didn't know how to tell him that my head was a mess, yet somehow he seemed to know. It was much too like when we first started dating.

He'd instructed me not to make dinner tonight. I was well aware that meant takeaways, and as much as I over the moon that he was eating, I felt awful about it. The smell of the food made me anxious once it was in the door. "Hey." Carlisle's arms were around me as soon as he'd put the bag on the bench, locking me in a tight hug.

"I missed you," I blurted out before I could think about it.

His smile was cautious suddenly, his hand running up my back to tease the nape of my neck, his fingers in my hair as he leaned up for a gentle kiss. "I missed you too, Gar. You okay?"

I nodded and buried my face in his shoulder. "I don't like being by myself all day," I admitted. Saying it aloud felt stupid, and I regretted bring it up; I wasn't supposed to be a damn child.

"I'll try and work from home more often then, yeah? That was the whole point of me taking that job, so that I didn't have to go to the office." Judging by how much being there still made him squirm, I knew he still hated it there. He liked the work, but being where Caius used to be still freaked him out, and I knew he was never very comfortable being around so many people.

"I don't want you to do that just because of me."

"It won't be," he mumbled. "But I can push for them to finish my training sooner so I can stay here most days."

"You don't need any more stress, Carlisle," I argued, tightening my grip on him. It sounded wonderful to me, but I wasn't about to beg him to put himself under more pressure than he was already under. "I don't want you hurting yourself trying to look after me."

"I'll be glad when it's over too," he assured me. Still, he was pressing kisses against my neck, trying to comfort me as much as I was resisting him. "Ready for dinner?" His fingers tangled in my hair, guiding my lips to his.

"Dinner sounds good." It didn't really, but maybe I'd feel better once I had something in my stomach. We sat at the table together, and I slowly picked through my food, trying to force the tension from my shoulders before it gave me a headache. This whole situation was a headache, really. I wondered if it was too early to curl up in bed. My heart was beating a little too fast by the time I finished, and panic was rising in me, hard to control. Just needing time out, I escaped to the bathroom, switching on the shower as an excuse to close the door for a while. As much as I loved Carlisle, I wasn't sure how to tell him I was feeling shitty.

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The TV was off when I came back from my shower. I frowned in confusion as I sat next to him on the couch, shifting his legs over my lap to get him closer. His hand found mine, a gentle pressure on my fingers. "You're not feeling good again, huh?" he asked softly.

Swallowing back the lump in my throat, I focused on the feeling of his fingertips brushing mine as I nodded. "...don't feel good enough for you…" I admitted.

"Please don't think like that; I love you so much," he murmured. Suddenly, I was having a blanket wrapped around me, Carlisle pressing kisses against my jaw and throat as he pushed me back onto the couch, his weight against me as he cuddled closer. "I love you, Garrett."

"I love you too, but you shouldn't want me," I reminded him. "It doesn't make sense for you to still want me; I keep waiting for you to want to leave." The admission hurt to say, and it only made him look worried. He was squeezing me tightly, trying to soothe me and reassuring me over and over again that he'd never do that. "I know, Carlisle, I just...I didn't think I could find someone who would love me before I met you, and now I feel like I've screwed that up, and I don't want to lose you because I'm too much stress."

"I'm not going anywhere because of this, Gar. I'm not leaving you for something out of your control." More kisses, slow and careful and against my neck.

I slipped my fingertips under the waist of his shirt, teasing the small of his back. "Sorry I'm doing this to us."

"It'll get better; you'll find work, and we'll go back to normal," he murmured.

"But what's going to happen when the bills come out this month?" Things were getting a little scary now, and I couldn't figure out why he was being so calm about everything. We still had another week before we had to pay anything, but it was freaking me out all the same.

"I calculated it, Gar, we'll be okay; we're not going to starve." He offered a shy smile, still trying to reassure me.

"But what about next month? We can't keep doing this, Carlisle. You can't afford to get into debt because of me; you'll get into trouble with your citizenship," I argued, forcing back tears. God, this really was going to end up in him dumping me once it all got too much.

"I won't let it get that far. It'll be okay."

"You're not working tomorrow though, right? You are actually going to take a day off this week?" It seemed like forever since we'd had a normal day at home together, and now I wanted that more than anything. I just wanted to have him to myself for a day without him being stuck at his computer.

"Yeah, I have tomorrow off," he promised.

"No computer?"

"No computer."

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Light burned through my eyelids as the curtain was suddenly pulled back. It was late morning the next day and I squinted into the blinding light to figure out what my boyfriend was doing, but he sat on the edge of the bed beside me before I could even sit up. My arms automatically coiled around his waist and I squeezed my eyes shut again once I had him. As I started to fall asleep again, he pressed a soft kiss against my cheek. "Get up, Gar, we're going out," he told me softly.

His words were enough to violently jolt me awake. "I can't," I said quickly, my pulse jumping through the roof as I thought about eating or drinking or doing literally anything in public. "Carlisle, I can't, I-"

"Not for food or anything like that," he soothed. "Let's just get out of the house for a while; it's my day off, and you need to do something other than sit here and worry." It was done out of love, I knew, but it made my stomach hurt. He must have seen the look on my face, because he gently guided me into sitting up.

"Carlisle," I pleaded again, blatantly panicking now.

"Come shower with me, then." He let me get my balance before tugging me to my feet. His arms locked around my waist, his fingers slipping under my t-shirt and teasing the small of my back. All I could think about was how gross I must feel to him now.

There was no way in hell that I could get undressed in front of him. Not anymore. But he led me to the bathroom and turned on the water, pulling his own shirt over his head before lifting up mine. My face was suddenly unbearably hot, and I couldn't look at him. My breaths caught and my hands shook, and I realised I was about to have a complete meltdown in front of the person I'd been with for a year and a half because I couldn't bear the thought of him seeing me naked anymore.

"Breathe, Garrett." He dropped the fabric immediately. Instead, he made me sit on the edge of the bathtub. His fingers were in my hair as I squeezed his waist in an attempt to calm myself down, and I suddenly realised it had been far too long since I'd brushed it last. I probably needed to get it cut too. He let me hyperventilate and hold him uncomfortably tight until I started seeing stars, murmuring soft words which I couldn't hear because my ears were ringing so loudly. It wasn't until he sat in my lap and I buried my face in his shoulder that I actually let him comfort me. He instructed me to mimic his breaths, and his slow breathing made the ache in my chest lessen and the room stop spinning.

It must have taken a good fifteen minutes before I calmed down enough to speak to him, but he didn't snap at me once, all the while trying to make me feel better. I kept a tight hold on him when he finally tried to stand up again.

"What happened just now?" he asked softly. "What was that about?" Forever patient and kind to me.

Vaguely, I realised that the shower was still running, and that I hadn't given him time to shut it off. I knew I owned him an explanation but that didn't make it any easier to tell him. "...I-I know that I don't...I don't want you to think…" That I'm disgusting. Awful. Repulsive. "I can't take my clothes off…"

His face fell, and his expression was slightly hurt. "Gar…" His arms were around me again without warning, almost knocking me back with how hard he hugged me. "I love you."

"...love you too…" I mumbled into him. This was Carlisle; I knew he wasn't about to be nasty.

"Come shower with me?" he asked again. He didn't touch my clothing this time, not until I nodded cautiously. His gentle hands slid my shirt over my head, then moved to slip my pants down.

I got under the water while he finished undressing himself, feeling my face get warmer and warmer. "Carlisle…"

"Yeah?" He got in after me, immediately bringing his lips to mine. His arms slipped around my shoulders, his fingers teasing the nape of my neck as we shared another kiss. The tension started to dissolve from my stomach as I realised that he was set on us feeling good, rather than looking at me.

I shook my head, managing a small smile. My hands found their way onto his waist, grazing over his ass and resting on his thighs. "What was it that you wanted to do today?" I asked, a little shy seeming as I'd reacted so horribly to it before. God, what a drama queen.

He smiled, pleased. "If you want to, I thought we could go hiking? Or, rather, go for a walk, just to get out of the city for a bit?"

A walk sounded good. It was manageable. And, if it made Carlisle a little bit less stressed as well, then it would be worth any anxiety that it caused me. I nodded, and he leaned up to kiss me again. We stayed together under the water - or rather, I refused to take my hands off of him and he didn't try and stop me - until we'd been there so long that it was borderline ridiculous.

"I'll go make lunch," he told me gently, as if to kindly remind me to let him go.

I nodded, but stayed there as he quickly got dried and dressed again. The shower wall was cool as I leaned my forehead against it, and I forced myself to keep breathing like Carlisle had encouraged me to. Panic threatened to ebb back in. Perhaps walking wasn't good after all, and I was an idiot for agreeing to it. Perhaps he really was a little disgusted by me and just wanted me to do some exercise.

That train of thought was cut off as soon as I wandered into the kitchen. He immediately pressed a gentle kiss to my lips, setting a mug of coffee in my hands and promising that the food would be ready soon. I fought back the urge to lock him in my arms again. A sigh escaped as I glanced at the clock; it was after 12 o'clock already, and I'd barely rolled out of bed. "Where are we going? You have a trail in mind?" I asked, tearing my eyes away to watch him at the sink.

"Yeah, there's a map on the table," he told me.

I sat down and picked up the printed page. My heart twinged a little as I realised that he'd planned this - we didn't have a printer, so he must have at least thought enough about it at work to have printed a map off. And I'd almost ruined it by not wanting to get out of bed. The trail was set through the forest on the outskirts of our city, and we'd need to drive for about an hour to get out of the urbanised areas. That time alone would be nice to spend with him; I felt like I never saw him anymore. The walk itself looked fairly easy, and I knew he'd chosen it so that it wouldn't push me.

We ate in silence for a while once lunch was ready, and I stole glances at Carlisle the whole time. The last thing he needed was my own self absorbed thinking stressing him out, but that was where we were heading. I tightened my fingers around the cutlery until it hurt and looked down at the table to try and push it all away.

"Do you want to see your parents again soon?" he asked softly, breaking the silence.

I glanced up at him. As far as they'd come, he was still a bit uncomfortable being at mum and dad's house, so I was a little confused. "Why?" I asked, unable to keep from frowning. It wasn't exactly something I'd expected him to come out with.

His hand found mine across the table. "Because you haven't seen them for a while, and I know you miss them," he explained.

The thought of having to explain everything to them made my heart beat too fast. "...I don't want to see them..." I admitted.

He frowned, looking a bit sad. "We don't have to tell them anything, Gar. I don't want this to hurt you." Giving up on his meal, he got up and came to stand behind me, slipping his arms around my shoulders and squeezing me tightly.

Shoving the last mouthful on my plate between my lips, I pushed my plate away and folded my arms over his. "Shall we go for our walk?"

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The drive was quiet. Carlisle seemed lost in thought or worried about something, and I felt guilty as hell for it being my fault. I just kept my hand in his and kept reminding myself of how comfortable he'd tried to make me this morning; he wasn't mad at me.

We eventually pulled into an idyllic little parking lot, with only another couple of cars there. It was chilly, but our jackets were thick and his hand was warm in mine. The track he'd picked for us wound around a little stream, tufts of grass and wildflowers framing the edge of the dirt path. The track was beaten and worn by many feet before us, but the greenery was overgrown and thick, reminding me of some fairytale forest in the books that I used to read to Kate. Even the air was sweeter out here; my chest didn't hurt anymore.

The path eventually widened out into a clearing, the water slowing in the creekbed and the sun bursting through the trees to stream down on us. There was a picnic table under the trees, but I grabbed Carlisle's waist and pulled him onto the grass next to me as I sat down in the sun, letting the warm soak into us. We were high enough on the hillside that we were looking down over the rest of the forest, able to see the city in the distance through the twisting countryside. I leaned my head against his shoulder, sneaking my free hand onto his leg. Breaking the silence between us seemed like a crime, seeming as birds around us were so loud.

"Thanks for bringing me out here; I'm sorry I was being difficult this morning. Not working is messing with my head." I kept my gaze turned toward the view in front of us, but all my focus was on the weight of his hand in mine, the warmth of his fingers in stark contrast to the cold air around us. All this could have been perfect, if I wasn't ruining it by being an emotional mess.

"How long did you spend telling me that it's okay to not be okay sometimes?" he reminded me, leaning over to kiss my neck. "You don't need to be apologising to me for anything."

I gave in and turned to hug him, hiding my face in his shoulder and pulling him into me. "You'll tell me if I'm too much, right? I don't want to make you miserable too."

"You're not, Garrett, stop that." He had one arm around my shoulders, fidgeting with my hair and rubbing the back of my neck, the other resting on my knee between us. "I love you."

"I love you too," I mumbled. The quiet grew heavy, the birdsong growing louder again the longer we were quiet. The buzzing of insects and chatter of little woodland animals sank the tension from my shoulders, and I caught a fistful of Carlisle's sweatshirt against his shoulder blade, wanting to hold him there a bit longer. I was acutely aware of his breathing picking up in speed, more sporadic and panicky.

"Enough to marry me?" he asked after a prolonged minute, his voice soft and unsure. He moved his arm from my back to let me sit back, and I shifted my hands to his arms, resting on his biceps as we looked at each other.

"What?" I asked again. There was no way I'd heard that right. Still, my pulse was suddenly drumming in my ears, a hopeful knot forming in my stomach.

His fingers tightened on my thigh, and I glanced down at the little black box in his free hand, my breath catching as I realised what he was doing. He swallowed nervously. "Will you marry me, Gar?"

Holy shit. I was suddenly grabbing him frantically, unable to get him close enough to me despite there being literally no space between us. "Are you sure?" I whispered to him. The giddiness was making me lightheaded, and I wasn't sure whether I wanted to laugh or cry but Carlisle actually wanted to be with me - marry me, not just stay with me - and this wasn't supposed to happen to people like me but-

"Of course I'm sure; I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He kissed the side of my face, his lips trailing along my jaw as I lay back, pulling him down on top of me. "If that's what you want to?"

"Yes- I'll marry you- I want that more than anything," I managed to get out after stuttering stupidly for a few seconds. I could barely think as he caught my hand, slipping a plain gold band onto my finger.

This was fucking real.

My boy wanted to marry me.

"I love you," he told me again, kissing my face and throat and every inch of skin he could reach while I held him like that. "I love you so much."

"I love you too."