Carlisle didn't really get better over the next few weeks. We developed a strange routine with each other, with me leaving early to get to work and coming back in the late afternoon, while he'd stumble into the office for a few hours every day and somehow get home again. Guilty, he cooked dinner most nights and kept on top of our housework, but I knew he was exhausted. I was tired too, running around after Kate all day and unable to keep myself from worrying about the state my boyfriend was getting himself into.
I hadn't gotten myself into trouble with Heidi yet either. She made me horribly nervous every time I picked up my niece from school, but aside from a few quick kisses in the hallway, she'd been too caught up with the kids to worry too much about me. I was trying hard not to be disappointed about it, but it was getting difficult while the only intimacy Carlisle wanted consisted of hugs and gentle kisses. As much as I loved him, it was making me a little crazy.
.
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I didn't think Carlisle was coming with me to see my grandparents anymore. It was 8am, and we'd already had a fight while he wasn't feeling well; I'd yelled at him and he'd fled into our bedroom to get away from the sound of my voice. I felt stupid. I wanted him to come so badly, but I'd well and truly fucked that up; I couldn't ask him now that I'd screamed at him. The thought of having to go by myself was making my head spin.
Creeping down the hallway, I paused outside of our bedroom door as I tried to figure out how much groveling it was going to take. The air between us felt heavy and thick, suffocating almost, the ticking of the clock in the hall deafening. "Hey, Carlisle?" I started carefully. The screech of the door seemed extra loud when I pushed it open. My surprise to find him showered and dressed must have been blatant on my face, because he offered me a nervous smile that didn't quite meet his eyes.
"Do you still want me to come?" he asked softly. He'd frozen halfway between the bed and the doorway, having moved to open it for me before I'd done it myself. Unsettled, he folded his arms across his chest, biting his lip as our eyes met.
"Yeah, I came to ask you to," I admitted, stepping forward to pull him into a hug. "I'm sorry I shouted at you. I don't want to argue."
"It's okay, I know you're stressed about this," he murmured. His lips brushed my throat as his arms slipped around my waist. "I'm sorry too." He really hadn't done anything; I'd been the one to instigate everything this morning. Leaning his cheek against my shoulder, he rested his weight against me, sighing. "I just have a bit of a headache, I didn't mean to take it out on you." His lips brushed my neck, kissing my throat as I squeezed him.
Just the kisses were enough to start winding me up. I brushed my hands down his body, letting them rest on his waist and sneaking my fingers under his sweatshirt - my sweatshirt. It was rather obvious that it wasn't his, definitely too big for him but rather cute all the same. I tugged on the hem of it. "Are you trying to provoke my grandfather?" A grin spread across my face before I could stop it. If I had to go and see my grandparents, knowing my boyfriend was confident enough to throw it back in their faces made me a little batter.
"Of course not; it's freezing outside, and this is warm," he grinned back. "Don't worry, Gar, I'll take it off if-"
"Don't, I like it." And It would smell like him when he took it off, and I could wear it to work tomorrow. Leaving was always hardest when he wasn't awake to say goodbye. I brought my lips to his, coiling my arms around his middle as he knotted his fingers behind my neck. His tongue rolled against mine, and my hand shifted to tangle in his hair, the other sliding down to grip his hip.
It was over too soon - he pulled away to catch his breath. "It's going to be okay, Garrett," he told me softly. "Even if you can't eat anything, your parents know why now. Is it that which is worrying you?"
"I just want them to be good to you," I told him. I already knew that it wasn't going to go well; my grnadparents boardered on homophobic at the best of times. It would have been safer for him to stroll through a front line than face my grandfather. If he'd been that upset over my father's words, this was going to destroy him. "Is your head going to be okay? You're not feeling too bad?"
"I've taken painkillers already; I'll be alright." The pills made him sleepy and a little nauseous, so it wasn't entirely comforting. I just wanted to wrap him up in cotton wool for the rest of the day.
"I need to have a shower," I groaned, reluctantly letting him go. It earned me another quick kiss.
"I'll make us some coffee for when you're done."
.
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By the time we were in the car, Carlisle had pulled on another jacket and a tidy pair of jeans. He looked good, but blushed and looked away when I told him so, mumbling something about not wanting to make things worse with my family. "I'm serious, Carlisle, you look really nice," I told him sheepishly. I was still unsettled by our argument, despite it being over nothing, and I couldn't stomach the thought of him still being upset with me right now. He rolled his eyes at me, but he really did; maybe it was that he'd been too tired to dress up for a while, but his jeans were tight in all the right places, and I'd forgotten how much I liked him with his hair done like that. I reached over to place my hand on his thigh, squeezing. "Thanks again for coming. I just really hope my grandparents are civil to you."
He threaded our fingers together. "It'll be alright; they can yell at me if they really want, we just have to get you through the next few hours."
.
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The closer we got, the more agitated I felt. We hadn't spoken for a couple of hours, just listening to the radio, and I was replaying every possible bad situation in my head. I was gripping the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles were aching. My jaw was sore from clenching my teeth, and I already had a headache. "Gar, what're you so stressed about? It'll be alright," Carlisle murmured softly. He gently prised one of my hands off the wheel, kissing the back of it and then enclosing it in both of his.
"You've never met my grandparents, Carlisle, you don't know what they're like," I told him tightly. I hadn't meant to snap at him, but my tone was harsh and condescending.
He didn't react, patiently rubbing his thumb over the back of my palm. "What is it exactly that you're worried about? Is it about the lunch itself?" Forever gentle with me, he leaned over to plant a kiss on my shoulder, squeezing my hand. The guilt of spending the previous afternoon with Heidi made me want to cry; he was feeling awful but had sucked it up enough to support me today.
"I'm scared they're going to be awful to you. But yeah, the food isn't going to be the best thing either." I glanced at him, forcing air into my lungs as if it could disperse this whole situation.
"I can handle it, don't worry about that," he soothed. "It'll be okay. But if you don't feel well at lunch, just tell me."
"Don't be mad at me for asking this," I started slowly. "But I know you had a really rough time when my father, uh, wasn't your biggest fan in the beginning, and I really don't want them to see you upset if that's what happens."
"I'll go hide in the bathroom if I'm going to cry, Gar," he told me. He smiled at me again when I looked over to see if he was annoyed with me. "I promise I'll be fine."
"I love you," I sighed. We pulled into my parent's driveway behind my grandparent's ute. Eleazar and his family weren't there yet, and I felt a bit ill knowing that all their attention would be focused on us. "I'm really sorry you have to be here for this."
"They're not Caius, and they're not my father, right?" he said, taking a deep breath.
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It was awkward from the moment we stepped in the door. The two of them looked like strangers, far more wrinkled and haggard since the last time I'd seen them. Their clothes were still just as harshly pressed as they used to be, and their expression just as sour. "This is a family gathering - why is he here?" My grandfather immediately jabbed his finger in Carlisle's direction, already scowling as we sat at the table across from them. The handshake he offered me was unfriendly, not remotely welcoming, but I gingerly took it.
Dad stepped in before either of us could get a word out, his eyebrows knitted together. It sounded like a conversation they'd already had before we arrived. "This is Carlisle; Garrett's other half." Turning to us, he added; "Carlisle, these are my parents - Owen and Carol."
"He's my better half," I corrected, slipping my arm around his shoulders. I didn't go as far as kissing him, as much as I would have liked to. Carlisle shifted, his arm around my waist and his hand on the small of my back. It helped to regulate my heart beat as it pounded away in my chest.
My grandfather's face was getting redder and redder. "You can't be with a man, Garrett," he got out eventually.
"That's a key factor in 'boyfriend', father," dad grumbled back. "Sasha and I both love Carlisle; he fits in well with this family, and he'd been good for Garrett."
"You're allowing your son to run around with this twink? Don't you know what kind of diseases they carry?" My grandfather's voice was creeping up in volume, much to my horror. I'd never know where he'd learned that word, but my face was burning. That he was going to do this in front of Carlisle made it all the worse.
"My son is an adult and can do what he likes," was all he managed to get out through gritted teeth.
I'd never been more mortified. My eyes were hot with angry tears, and I found myself reaching for Carlisle's free hand to keep myself seated. I'd never resented a family member more.
Next to me, Carlisle barely smothered a giggle. "I promised I'm fully vaccinated," he told him. "I even got rabies shots when I immigrated."
"God help me, British, nonetheless," my grandfather groaned. Genuine disgust was on my grandmother's puckered lips.
"Yes, Sir," he grinned. His accent was stronger than usual, and I wasn't sure whether I was imagining it, or he was purposefully winding my grandfather up. I loved him for it either way. A tense silence settled over us, made worse by my mother's embarrassment, my father's anger, and my boyfriend's apparent amusement. "Would you like me to get you a coffee, Owen?" he got out eventually, managing not to laugh as he got a huff in response. It was still awkward, but his words punctuate the uncomfortable silence and managed to break my grandfather's piercing stare aimed at me.
"Tea. No sugar," he muttered. "You British can do that, right?"
"We make the best tea in London," he teased, kissing my cheek as he stood up. It made both of my grandparents recoil. That boy had never made a cup of tea in his life, so it was a blatant lie.
I grabbed his arm before he could pull back. "You okay?" I whispered, desperately searching his face for any sign of hurt. Tea would provide him with an escape for a few minutes, but he'd have to walk back into this mess. He nodded and disappeared into the kitchen.
Grandfather got his tea, and the conversation was dropped. Somehow, they managed not to comment when Eleazar arrived and Kate jumped into my boyfriend's arms. They barely managed to pretend to be happy when they saw Carmen was pregnant again. It wasn't long before she was making excuses to get away from them too, glueing herself to Carlisle to make awkward conversation until we could all leave again.
It wasn't until we tried to excuse ourselves home that they took offence to my relationship again. "You couldn't have picked a local boy, Garrett? I know you never had any confidence as a child, but jesus. I'm sure if you lost some weight-" my grandmother started, only to find herself cut off.
My boyfriend's joking instantly vanished as soon as she'd started on me. "He doesn't need to; he's happy and works an active job. As long as he's healthy, it shouldn't make a difference," he snapped at her, his hold on my fingers tightening almost painfully. God, I loved that boy.
"I'm with Carlisle because we're happy together, not because I couldn't get anyone else," I told her. My voice didn't come out as steady as I would have liked, fighting the heat rushing to my face as she rolled her eyes. "We're engaged, so you're going to have to get your head around him being here."
That was it. That was our strained goodbye, and Carlisle gently guided me back toward the car. Surprisingly, I wasn't having a complete breakdown over it yet. I was just fucking pissed. We made it out onto the main road before I had to pull over again because I was shaking so bad.
"Are you okay-" Carlisle started to ask.
I cut him off with a hug, pulling him across the gearbox toward me as my hands shook. "I'm okay. Just glad it's over." Finally, my heart stopped racing as I held him there. "Thank you for coming. I really needed you there."
He kissed my cheek, rubbing my shoulder as he squeezed me. "I know, Gar, it's alright. I'm just glad we got out unscathed."
"You were so good with them; I really didn't think they'd be that degrogitory towards us," I admitted.
"Let's go home, Gar; I need some painkillers, and I think we both could do with a nap."
A nap sounded fucking great.
.
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My alarm bleared way too early the next morning. It was cold and rainy and miserable outside, and my vision was blurry with sleep as I made my way to the shower. The hot water helped to wake my up a little, and I hunted around the bedroom until I found the sweatshirt Carlisle had been wearing the day before, pulling it on over my work uniform. "See you tonight," I whispered through the darkness, pressing a quick kiss against his cheek before hurrying out of the room.
I was pulled up short in the kitchen. At some point during the night, my saint of a boyfriend had dragged himself out of bed and made me lunch. We'd had a conversation on the way home from my parent's place about me getting tired from not eating all day at work, but not having time to cut a lunch in the morning before I left. Eating in the car seemed like a better option than starving all day. Unable to control the smile on my face, I rushed back down the hallway, nudging him awake this time. "If you don't stop with this cutesy shit, I'm not going to go to work at all," I told him, kissing his forehead.
"Are you sure you can't just come back to bed?" he teased tiredly. His hands brushed over my forearm, gripping the sleeve of my sweatshirt and jerking me toward him.
"As tempting as that is, we need the money," I chuckled. "Love you. I'll see you tonight, be careful in the weather if you go to work today." I hoped he wouldn't move for the rest of the day. Not after yesterday.
.
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I called him on my lunch break, spurred on by an unwelcomely inviting text from Heidi. The lunch he made me was turning my stomach with guilt as I waited for him to pick up. He was preoccupied when he did answer, presumably at the office judging by the buzz of activity in the background. "Did you make yourself something to eat for today?" I asked carefully. It was an unwanted topic; I knew he was feeling sick most of the time, and he knew that I hated how little he was keeping down.
"I've got coffee; I'm fine," he mumbled. "What time are you home tonight?" The was too much anxiety behind the question, and I hated it. Heidi's text weighed heavy in my hand.
"Uh, I've got to pick up Kate, and go to the grocery store, so maybe around five? What's the matter?" Giving him an exact time when I already knew I was doing something I shouldn't be felt dangerous, but I couldn't ignore his question either. Part of me felt like he was trying to back me into a trap, despite that being ridiculous while he didn't know what was actually happening.
"Nothing, I just need to talk to you, and I don't want to do it over the phone." He was still mumbling, and I still didn't push him. Not while he was at work.
"I'll be back as soon as I can, Carlisle," I promised, already knowing it wasn't true. We hung up and I leaned my forehead against my steering wheel. I hated lying to that boy and I wasn't sure what was making me do it.
The rest of the day passed unbearably slowly. It seemed like hours and hours before I finished my job for the day, and the traffic seemed particularly thick on my trip to get my niece. The bad weather forced me into classroom, out of fear of Kate slipping in the puddles on the way to my car, or being pushed over by the wind because she was so small. The smile her teacher gave me made the blood rush to my face. I picked Kate up as Heidi came closer, a warning to behave while we were in public; the last thing I wanted was for her to blurt out something about me kissing her teacher to Carlisle, and the kid really didn't have a filter.
"Are you still coming over for dinner, Garrett?" she asked me softly. Her hair fell in soft curls around her face, and I fought the urge to brush my fingers through them. Not in public.
"Not for dinner; I promised Carlisle I'd be back before then." That set my niece off whining about wanting to see hm, but I shushed her before she could sulk.
"But you are coming?" Her smile grew, excitement dancing behind her eyes.
"I'll come."
.
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Everything in Heidi's cramped apartment was so richly coloured that it made me nauseous. It felt like an ambush, my stomach uneasy as I pushed open the unlocked front door and called out to her. The knot in my gut eased as she called back. I traced her through the heavily decorated rooms until I found her in the kitchen, wearing an apron and little else except for the chair around her neck. I felt like I was in some corny movie.
Her lips were on mine before I could form a response. Peeling the clothes from my body, she kept nudging me backwards until we hit her bedroom, and I found myself flat on my back on a barbie pink bedspread. It was almost comical.
Things felt different when we didn't have to worry about being discovered. She was all hands, more demanding about what she wanted and more annoyed at my incompetence. It certainly wasn't loving like it was with Carlisle. Aside from the rush of endorphins, it didn't make me feel good, denting my self confidence instead. I was disgusted with myself as soon as I finished, rushing out of her apartment and booking it back to my car.
.
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It was warm as I drove home from Heidi's. I was sweating despite the air conditioning in the car and the pouring rain outside; that woman was getting under my skin in a way I didn't like. The grocery store was a bit cooler, and I wasted time strolling up and down the isles to avoid going back outdoors. I needed to know what Carlisle wanted for dinner, but I hadn't asked him before I'd left for work, and I didn't want to call him incase he'd managed to fall asleep.
In the end, I left with a basket full of snacks we didn't need, and a couple of meal options. We could just order takeout if he really didn't want any of it - I didn't care as long as it made me feel less guilty. My heart started to beat faster as I got closer to home; I wasn't sure what state my boyfriend was going to be in, and he hadn't answered any of my texts over the last few hours.
It was obvious he'd been upset, but neither of us mentioned it as he greeted me. All that manifested was a slightly prolonged hug in the kitchen doorway. He made a nervous joke about me being late, which I brushed off with a stupid excuse. I pulled him in for another quick kiss once I'd put the bags down; the guilt was almost unbearable - I loved this boy so much, and I knew I was sabotaging us. "Was your day okay?" I asked eventually, unable to stand it anymore.
He hesitated. "Ah, sort of," he told me awkwardly.
"Sort of?" I frowned, moving to wash my hands in the kitchen sink just for something to do.
"Yeah." He swallowed thickly before continuing. "My insurance company won't fund the allergy shots." Just saying the words had made him anxious, tears welling up as he refused to look at me. I could see how bad he wanted it, how bad he just wanted to feel better.
I grabbed a teatowel, quickly drying my hands. My fingers grazed the small of his back as I reached for him. "Are you still not feeling well?" I asked. When he shook his head, I threw my arm around his shoulder, pulling him into me. "Then we'll just have to suck it up and pay for it. We can't have you like this forever."
Without even saying anything, he looked terribly guilty, and I knew he'd been stressing about it all day. "It seems like such a waste."
"It's not a waste. You're not a waste." The only thing being 'wasted' here was our relationship from my stupid decisions.
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