.
.
"If he didn't respond to the first text, Garrett, he's not going to respond to the tenth," Carmen told me coldly. While Eleazar had been disappointed in me when I'd admitted to him what had happened, his wife had all but thrown me out again, only relenting from her tirade once my brother had asked her to stop before she woke up the kids. I didn't think it was just my actions making her take his side; she liked Carlisle more than she did me - christ, I was starting to feel like my parents like him better. She'd just watched me check my phone for the millionth time that hour and couldn't keep the hostility out of her voice. "He's not just going to forgive you for this."
Eleazar sighed, quiet for a moment. He'd been trying to avoid fighting with either of us, even more desperately trying to keep us from arguing with each other. I wasn't sure I had enough willpower to bicker with her anyway. "Dad is going to kill you; you better find a way to fix it before he finds out. Mum might bake you sympathy cookies, though."
"I don't think I can fix it; he's not going to listen to anything I say now, not after she spoke to him. He tried to kill himself to get away from me - he's not going to care. Especially while he can hide behind Alistair," I grumbled, the exhaustion of the past day suddenly catching up to me. I roughly rubbed my face as I sat in the living room, digging the heels of my palms into my eyes to fight the need to cry. I still hadn't entirely come to terms with what my boyfriend - ex boyfriend - had tried to do to himself. It made me want to vomit.
"That's manipulative; he can't do that every time something happens that he doesn't like," my brother huffed. "Even with what you did, that's not okay."
"It isn't like that, he's sick," I snapped harshly. "It wasn't just because we broke up." Or so I tried to convince myself.
"It's abusive, Garrett."
"Carlisle is hardly in any condition to abuse anyone, Eleazar, and you know it," Carmen interjected from the kitchen, having retreated there to get away from us. "Jesus, he couldn't have crushed an ant the last time we saw him - god knows he's worse if your brother has been fucking around behind his back." She rarely swore, but I could tell she was fighting cursing me out of her home now. I wasn't entirely sure what I was going to do if she did - I could hardly go home.
Eleazar didn't say anything, not wanting to fight with her. "I'll get you a blanket and pillow; we all need to go to bed," he said eventually. He went to the kitchen, guiding Carmen down the hallway with gentle hands to get her way from me, disappearing into their bedroom for a few minutes.
I sank further into the couch, burying my face in my hands and rubbing my eyes until my head ached. I couldn't let myself cry, as much as I wanted to - it felt like I'd never be able to stop. "I've ruined my life, El," I mumbled to him once he came back.
He threw the blanket at me, the pillow down on the seat next to me. "Go to sleep; we can talk about it in the morning."
I sighed and lay down. Carmen's insistence didn't stop me from sending Carlisle one last text.
.
.
I spent most of the night waiting forAlistair to message me back. He'd reply once every couple of hours, mostly just to assure me that Carlisle was still breathing. Sleep evaded me until the early hours of the morning; all I could think about was him succumbing to the overdose while Al wasn't paying enough attention to him.
The next morning, I woke up to the baby crying in the background and Kate poking me until I opened my eyes. "Can we make pancakes?" she asked brightly, grinning. It was barely 6am when I glanced at my mostly-dead phone, any hope that Carlisle missed me enough to text me deflating immediately.
I grabbed her, hugging her tightly as she giggled and tried to squirm free. Who the hell was I to refuse her? It wasn't like I could go back to sleep now anyway. And maybe Carmen would be a little less mad if I was keeping her kid happy. It was a welcome distraction either way. "Yeah, okay." Sitting up, I scooped her up, throwing her over my shoulder as I carried her into the kitchen, sitting her on the bench. It took me a few minutes of ratting through my brother's cupboards to find the ingredients we needed. Kate held the bowl while I tossed flour and sugar into it, her laughter and childish fascination with the cooking helping to distract me from the absolute hell I'd caused myself.
The presence of her mother in the kitchen brought reality back pretty quickly. "Good morning, Garrett," she sighed, clearly unimpressed as she watched me and her daughter. Kate was acting as a buffer; she wouldn't yell at me while she was there.
"Morning, Carmen, sorry about barging in last night. I didn't have anywhere else to go, and…" I trailed off, not sure if this would be making things worse or not.
"As upset with you as I am, I wouldn't make you sleep on the streets." She rolled her eyes. "You haven't left Carlisle at home alone, have you? I can't see that ending well for anyone."
"No, his friend is staying with him." I turned away from her as I felt my face grow warm at the thought of them together, of Alistair's past feelings for him that I hoped were long dead. I had absolutely no ground to stand on, but that didn't stop me speculating. It didn't help that Carlisle had told me so many times how much he hated being alone; I had no doubt that he'd cuddle up to Alistair in my absence, and the thought of it made me want to puke. I had to check on them. I had to. "Do you want me to drop Kate off at school? I need to go and pick up some stuff from home anyway."
Carmen frowned skeptically. "If you want to. Are you sure going home is a good idea, though? Carlisle might not be so pleased to see you - I wouldn't be."
"Probably not," I admitted. "I just need to get my phone charger."
It was obvious she didn't believe me. "You're dreaming if you think he's just going to run back into your arms."
"I'm not an idiot."
.
.
Except I was an idiot. I found myself sneaking as I crept in the front door of our apartment, undecided whether I wanted to catch them together or not. It was going to hurt either way. It wasn't even nine in the morning, and I hadn't prepared myself for the punch in the gut that seeing him was going to be. I let myself into the kitchen, awkwardly hovering in the doorway as neither of them noticed me.
It looked innocent. Still asleep and presumably having been there all night, Carlisle had his head on Alistair's chest, loosely hugging his waist while Al let his arm rest over his shoulders. The sound of the door closing had been enough to make my boyfriend stirr and reach for his phone, checking the time before melting back into him.
"You okay?" Alistair asked without opening his eyes.
"Yeah," he whispered back. He sounded hollow, crushed, and I knew it was my fault.
"No you're not. Let's go out for breakfast; good food makes everything better." He was teasing, or trying to at the very least, but his intentions didn't escape me for a second; Alistair had been very aware that Carlisle and I had never been able to go on stress-free meal outings - I always ruined it. Whether it was purposeful or not, it sucked. His hand shifted to brush through his hair, the knot in my stomach tightening at the affection between them.
"Sounds good," he mumbled, half asleep again. I suddenly felt horribly guilty for resenting the two of them, despite the breakfast dates. This whole situation would have turned out a lot worse if they didn't have each other.
That was, until I watched Alistair lift his chin with his thumb, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "Feeling better?" Another kiss, this time against his temple, his hand sliding down his back.
I quickly turned away, purposefully knocking a glass on the bench so that they heard me. Swallowing back the flair of jealousy that spiked in my chest, I listened again, unable to hear Carlisle's panicked whisper despite Alistair's murmured response being far too audible.
"It isn't cheating if you're not in a relationship," he said back, presumably knowing I would overhear. I wondered if he'd only kissed him to rub it in my face. "You didn't mind this a few hours ago. And besides, Garrett doesn't seem to uphold the same standards."
"Please. Al." His plea got lost in Alistair's shirt as he ducked his head.
He sighed but obliged. "You look better; you were scaring me a bit there last night. I'll make us some coffee, and then we can go out, yeah? Sleep a little longer." After the rustling of fabric, Alistair appeared in the kitchen beside me, clearly unimpressed by my presence. He hadn't managed to pull on a shirt before he reached me, and I hated him suddenly. "How long have you been here? What do you want?" he demanded flatly.
"I just needed to get a few things," I told him bitterly. "I trust you two had a good night, then."
He rolled his eyes. "I suppose we did, if you want to count him being ill for half of it and crying over you for the rest. You shouldn't be here."
"I live here too," I protested.
He glared back at me as he met my gaze. "Fine, then I'll convince him to fly back with me to Georgia, and-"
"I love him, Alistair," I hissed.
"You had an affair and were cruel while he was vulnerable," he hissed back. "You'd better get whatever it is you came for and leave; you need to figure out how to treat him better before I'm letting you anywhere near him since he's dumb enough to want you."
That pulled me up short, but I was still seething. "If he still wants me, then why is he kissing you?"
He looked like he regretted saying anything at all. "Get your shit, and get out."
"Alistair-"
"Out, Garrett. I swear to god, you're not going to stay here long enough for him to have to deal with you. I spent hours scrubbing blood out of your bathroom tiles last night, and I'm not doing it again." His whisper was harsh, a substitute for screaming at me. "Go." There seemed to be more words behind his teeth, but he held them in, clenching his jaw as he turned on the kettle to boil. He didn't speak to me as he made coffee, and I crept down the hallway to get what I needed.
I managed to get in and out of the apartment without coming face to face with Carlisle. It hurt to know he was so close but not be able to touch him. As much as I wanted to plead my case, it wasn't going to serve me well if he was still fragile. By the time I got to my car, I was struggling not to fall apart.
If this was what a break up felt like, it was far more painful than I had ever imagined.
.
.
I felt ill all day at work. My stomach churned and my hands shook, and no matter how wonderful Carmen's cooking was, I couldn't get anything other than a few mouthfuls down at dinner. She watched me struggle, her frown almost sympathetic by the time we were in the kitchen to clean the dishes together. It was only fair that I washed up, seeming as she made the meal, but she lingered at the bench with me anyway. "This morning didn't go well, hmm?" she asked while my brother was distracted with Kate.
"I guess not," I admitted. Hyper-fixated on scrubbing the plate in the sink, I avoided eye contact with her.
"Did you argue with him again?" she sighed.
"I didn't even speak to him; Alistair refused to let me. I miss him so much, Carmen; he doesn't even text me back." As much as I didn't want to become an absolute mess in front of my sister in-law, it was going to end up that way if she kept talking to me. "I love him, and I've destroyed everything we built together."
"If you loved him so much, why would you cheat on him? It doesn't make sense, Garrett; if you two were so happy together, you wouldn't have done that." It had taken her a moment to formulate a response that wasn't hostile, but she managed it.
"I don't know- I'm so stupid. And I don't want Heidi to torment him; she knows where we live, and she'd already messed with him once, and I don't trust her to leave him alone," I admitted. Immediately, I knew I'd fucked up again; I hadn't told them who I'd been with, and Carmen was instantly scowling.
"You've been sleeping with Kate's teacher?!" she growled. "Garrett Parker, are you a fucking moron?!"
"I thought we'd established that I am," I grumbled, preparing to be yelled at again. "She started it; I didn't go after her."
"I don't care who started it, and I doubt Carlisle does either! Your brother is going to kick your ass! You're not still seeing her, are you? Is that why you wanted to drop Kate off at school? That woman is going to cause you nothing but trouble." She shoved my arm hard enough that I almost lost my grip on the cup in my hands, and I assumed it was a substitute for shoving my head into a wall. "You're such an idiot."
"No- I'm done with her, Carmen, I didn't see her today. I just dropped Katie off, that's all," I said quickly. "I don't want her to go near him again, but I can't be there to stop her. I don't want him to hurt himself because of this; I love him so much."
Any shred of sympathy she possibly had before was entirely gone now. "You're going to have to work your ass off if you want him back. You did this all to yourself."
"I know."
.
.
The next few weeks sucked.
Carlisle didn't speak to me.
I didn't sleep more than a couple hours a night. I couldn't blame it all on Eleazar's uncomfortable couch either, but that damn piece of furniture was quickly ruining my back. The only good thing to come out of the situation was the time I got to spend with my niece, but her childish joy couldn't override the ache in my chest. Neither could the food I tried to smother it with. It had taken me all of a week to fall straight back into my old eating habits again, the ones I had before I'd started living with Carlisle, and it had taken the same time for me to start feeling the weight gain. I wasn't sure that I cared - I wasn't getting him back, and nothing else mattered.
"Garrett, I don't care if still you're sleeping on my couch, but you have to sort yourself out," Elezar told me one morning over coffee.
I could barely hear him over the pounding in my head, the sleep deprivation making it hard to concentrate. I'd never told him that it had been Heidi, and Carmen didn't seem to have either, though she actively avoided me most of the time. "What'd you mean?" I asked him.
He rolled his eyes. "You need to do something other than sit there and sulk. It's unhealthy."
"I go to work," I reminded him, grumbling. He was right, but it didn't make a difference - none of this mattered. "And me and Kate have been…" I trailed off, realising I was digging myself into a hole. "He hates me, Eleazar, I don't want to do anything else."
"You are not going to let some boy wreck your life; you're not a sixteen year old girl," he grumbled back.
"He didn't do anything; I destroyed my own life," I huffed.
"Carlisle wasn't perfect either, as much as you'd like to think that he was. You'll live; you'll find someone else if you give it time."
"I don't want someone else; I want the guy who I was engaged to." I didn't care that I was being dramatic; El started it. It wasn't as though I was going to find anyone that was as good to me as Carlisle had been anyway - he had put up with so much of my shit. Even if he forgave me, I doubted he would want me back now; I'd managed to undo all the progress he helped me make over the last two years within a couple of weeks.
He groaned at me, frustrated. "It's Friday night. Who's that friend you used to hang out with? Reese?"
"Riley," I corrected. "I don't want to see him, Eleazar."
"You can't sit here and mope forever. It's been weeks. Just go and see him; it might make you feel better," he reasoned.
"No, it's going to make you feel better," I muttered sourly. Riley had actually been trying to get me to come over for the better part of a month, but I'd been avoiding all of his questions. I knew he would ultimately take my side, but that didn't make me feel any better. I didn't want to hear him say anything demeaning about Carlisle.
Or worse - hear him call him my ex. No one had said those words to me out loud yet.
"Go and see him, or I'm telling mum that-"
"You can't do that," I interrupted, glaring at him. "That's not fair."
"It's my house; I can do what I want," he snapped back. "And it's been almost a month, Garrett. You have to face up to it and tell them eventually."
"Fine. I'll see Riley. Just keep your mouth shut."
.
.
It wasn't until I was sitting on Riley's lounge floor, well into my fourth drink, before everything suddenly got the better of me. It hit me all at once that I'd lost my best friend, that as much as I loved Riley, my friendship with him would never fill the void that not having one with Carlisle created. I wanted to vomit. The liquor certainly didn't help. Forever terrible with feelings, Riley kept topping my drink up, half-heartedly trying to talk me out of the crisis I was working myself up into from his own alcohol induced stupor - he'd been over-eager to invite me over to drink.
"It's not the end of the world, Garrett, you can do better; he was a bit weird anyway, right?" He tried to convince me. It was just after midnight, and the liquor wasn't helping to lift my mood. "He looked like hard work."
I bristled. "It wasn't like that; he's had a really bad year. It's not his fault."
"All I'm saying is, I don't think he was right for you anyway." He slouched down in his chair, tracing shapes in the condensation on his glass with his fingertip. "Come on, Gar, how well did you really know him? You've told me yourself that he wouldn't answer your questions."
"He's just nervous. Leave it alone," I snapped. It was making me feel sick to my stomach, and I would have done anything to shut him up. This wasn't helping; it made me miss him all the more.
"You were together for two years. He had no reason to be nervous with you - look, he's not a saint either; maybe you didn't know him as well as you think you did."
"Stop it, Riley. Please?" He was going to make me crazy, and I didn't want to fight with him as well. I couldn't handle that. "Carlisle was nothing but good to me."
He was getting annoyed, huffing. "Are you sure that he wasn't jerking his boss off for fun, and things got a little sour? Why would Caius go after him so intensely if he's so difficult-"
I stood up, cutting him off. "I'm going home. I'm not sitting here and listening to you talk about him like that. That's not fair."
"Garrett," he groaned. "Come on-"
"No. I'm not doing this with you. I'm going home." The world spun around me as I moved, the alcohol making my head fuzzy as I stumbled toward the door. I kept my hand on the wall to steady myself, ignoring the look Victoria gave me in the kitchen as I escaped. I didn't care if I was being rude anymore.
The cold air shocked my lungs as I stepped out the front door. My shoes skidded on the ice on the path, sending me falling so hard onto my back that the breath left my lungs. I lay there for a few moments, watching the clouds above me through the darkness. I couldn't go back to Eleazar's. His comments were too similar to Riley's.
My back ached as I hauled myself up again. The anger wouldn't go away. That Elezar and Riley could be cruel to him. That Carlisle wouldn't even acknowledge me. That Heidi had the fucking nerve to go near in him in the first place. That bitch.
.
.
I was heading to her apartment before I knew where my feet were taking me. It was a four mile walk, my stumbling totaling the journey to two hours by the time I was standing on her doorstep, hammering on her front door. The road was silent, aside from my fist on the door and my pulse in my ears.
The door swung open suddenly, though I wasn't sure how long I'd stood there. "What the hell are you doing? You can't be here," Heidi hissed, almost spitting in my face. She had her nightgown wrapped around her, angrily bunching the silk fabric in fists at her sides to hold it in place. It barely occured to me that I'd dragged her out of bed. "Get out of here!"
"Do you know what you did to him? Why the fuck did you think it was okay to go near him? Are you insane?" I shouted back. My voice cracked, nowhere near as steady as I hoped it would be.
"I was returning your sweatshirt. You can't be here; my husband is home." She shoved my chest, and I had to take a step back to catch myself.
"No, you planned that. You knew I wasn't there, and you had no right to do that to him."
"You're drunk," she accused.
"And you're a selfish bitch!" The significance of the man suddenly appearing over her shoulder didn't immediately register to me. He was looking at me in confusion, annoyed that some drunkard was on his doorstep berating his partner. If Heidi wanted my relationship to go down in flames, I was taking hers with me.
"Who are you?" he grumbled, catching her waist to start to pull her inside.
"The guy you wife has been sleeping with behind your back," I told him, mustering all the drunken courage I had.
I felt the crunch as his fist hit my nose before I felt the pain. The alcohol took the edge off, but almost instantly the dull throbbing made me nauseous.
The punch knocked me off balance, and I slipped the few steps back down onto the path below. The shock of my landing ran like a current up my spine, over-shadowing the blow he landed on my cheekbone. Heidi was pleading with him, telling him to get off, and he was yelling at her, calling her as many foul names as he could think of. I doubted he would hit her. Despite the violence he was directing at me, the way he gripped her arm was gentle, more sadness than anger in his face when he looked at her.
I booked it as fast as my numb legs would carry me. He might not hurt her, but there was now ay he wasn't coming after me. The alcohol was making the world spin around me, and I was panting for breath by the time I ducked into an alley a few streets away. He hadn't followed me. My existence didn't matter enough to bother him past his wife's betrayal. Carlisle obviously didn't feel that way about Heidi. Carlisle.
I had to fix it.
I had to.
I didn't have the coherence to get a taxi back to Eleazar's house in the first place, but I was already stumbling in the direction of home, too drunk to care whether Carlisle was going to yell at me for barging in - I did technically still live there. Blood was dripping from my nose onto my shirt, on my hands as I tried to wipe it away. I didn't care about the mess either. Or that it was raining, and I was cold.
I just had to go home and fix this.
.
.