My plan had been to be a good parent. To have both the kids bathed and in bed early, having fed them home cooked meals. Yet at seven PM, I found myself spooning dessert-flavoured baby food between Irina's lips, all while trying to make sure Kate didn't choke on triceratops-shaped nuggets as she shoveled them down her throat. Not a vegetable in sight. I'd dehydrated a jug full of peas trying to stop the baby crying, ruining the pasta when the older one was hit with a belt of home-sickness. The pot boiled over, steam pouring from the element while the smoke alarm blared and both kids screamed at me to stop it. Turns out I wasn't the amazing babysitter I thought that I was. This was the worst.
It was nine before Kate had fallen asleep in front of the TV. Irina was wide awake, gurgling happily - as long as I held her. I was going to pace a hole in the carpet walking backward and forwards with her, trying not to cringe as she drooled a patch of slime into the shoulder of my shirt.
At some point during the night, I'd made the decision to bundle Kate up and put her to bed. And thank god - I spent the next forty minutes in a diaper-induced hell that I was sure Eleazar was going to relish in when I inevitably told him about it. I'd forgotten how incessant babies could be when they resisted changing; her tiny limbs waved angrily in the air, her wails echoing down the hallway.
Breakfast wasn't much more successful the next morning. I'd barely slept more than an hour, but they were both awake come six AM. More diapers. More baby food. Too much sugary cereal.
Not enough caffeine.
I fucking missed my boyfriend.
With the excuse of taking his laptop to him, I coerced the kids into the car. The rumbling of the motor lulled Irina to sleep once I'd fought her into her carseat, peaceful enough that I allowed Kate a drive-thru snack on the premise of using 'inside voices' until we were home again. She was already hyped up on sugar, and I hoped the crash hit before we reached Carlisle. She'd grizzel, but at least she wouldn't leap on him.
I'd somehow got the chaos under control by the time we reached the hospital carpark. It was packed, and we ended up miles from the right building, but the weather was slightly calmer, the rain only a light drizzle, and a walk through the gardens proved rather pleasant. I let my niece run ahead down the path as far as I could see her, dwaling as I jiggled the baby against my chest. She weaved around the patches of hedges, leaping back onto the path in front of me as she got closer.
"Can we go to the park later?" she asked me for the millionth time.
I was so tired that I didn't care. "Yeah, as long as it doesn't rain. And no running inside the hospital; you need to hold my hand or you'll get lost," I warned.
She huffed in true six year old fashion, but did reluctantly give me her wrist as we reached the front steps. "The doctors are mean; they should let Carlisle out." She shuffled closer to my leg as a group of people passed us. "I don't like it here."
"Me neither." My limbs felt heavier each time I lifted my feet, a deep ache in my muscles. "It's what's best for him, Kate; he needs someone to look after him while he's not feeling well." Her responding whine didn't instill much faith in me, but I hoped she might relent once she'd seen him.
.
.
I hadn't counted on things not being well when we arrived. Although she'd been okay the day before, Kate was suddenly nervous now that she was over-tired, anxiously glued to me as we reached Carlisle's ward, only to enter into a room full of doctors. She whimpered softly, her hold on the fabric of my trousers tightening. "Uncle Garrett…"
"It's alright," I murmured, using my free hand to loosen her fingers. "Hold my hand, Katie." Our hushed conversation had caught my boyfriend's attention. He subtly shook his head at me as he glanced away from the men in front of him. I wasn't sure if it was in reference to himself or me and the kids. I stood dumbly in the doorway, crouched so my niece could cling to me, until they filed out.
"What was that about?" I asked quietly. Closer now, I took my place in the chair beside the bed. It seemed like I'd spent all year in this position. Years since I'd last seen him.
"I passed out," he mumbled back. "Think I fell in the bathroom. I don't remember." His breathing was still catching in his chest, the red welts across his cheek the start of bruising. "I don't know if you should be here." He pressed his palm against the marks to try to stop the throbbing. The same bruising was across the back of his hand where his sleeves brushed his wrists. His frown grew as he caught sight of the smear of blood on his fingers, a small graze across his cheek bone starting to seep. "I hit my head," he admitted, trying to wipe it away with his sleeve.
"Do you want me to go?" Letting Kate perch in my lap, the baby cradled in the other, I freed one arm to reach for his unoccupied hand on the sheets, trying to soothe any hurt feelings that might be between us. His rejection stung even if it wasn't personal.
"No, but I don't want to traumatise Eleazar's children." He swallowed tightly. "She already looks stressed."
"Ten minutes, and I'll take them home? She didn't get to bed until late last night, and she doesn't always do well around hospitals." I squeezed his fingers again. Her sniveling had stopped for the time being - I didn't give the peace long.
He nodded. "I have to have a unit of blood; I don't think you should be here for that either."
"It would be me that ended up on the floor," I teasingly confirmed. "How was last night?"
"Better, with the painkillers. I just can't sleep. The psych team is coming to see me later; I'm hoping they might be able to give me a sedative - I'm so tired I'm going crazy." That made two of us.
"Psych, huh?" I asked slowly. My next swallow was painful as my throat constricted. "Did you ask for mental health input?" I doubted he would tell them the whole truth about what had been happening, what he'd been doing to himself, but it would mean that I wouldn't have to live in fear of him hurting himself if they could stabilise him before he came home again.
He shook his head. Wincing as it strained his neck. "Not really; the nurse thought it would be a good idea. They, um, were worried after they redid my bandages."
"I think she's right, Carlisle. They obviously need to adjust your antidepressants. You aren't coping." And I wasn't coping with him.
"So do I, but I still hate it. They're going to lock me up." He pulled his hand out of mine, his fingers knotting in the sheets instead. I watched his face as he tried to force away his panic, my hand drifting to his bicep to satisfy my need to touch him.
"They won't, baby." It was a false promise.
"But what if they do, Garrett? Then what?" The slight trickle of blood was slowly but surely soaking his shirt, threatening to run if he took the pressure off it for a second. "Fuck."
"Then we deal with it. It isn't prison, it's healthcare; you're not being held against your will." I nudged Kate off me, standing and settling her back in the seat. Her wide eyes were quickly distracted once I'd handed over my phone with the password unlocked. "How long ago did you fall?" Thankfully, Irina had nodded off while we'd been talking, undisturbed as I gently lay her in Carlisle's lap.
He jumped, lurching at the feeling of her weight on his legs. "I've got blood on my hands. And I don't know; I don't remember."
"You don't have to touch her. Look at me?" Snatching a handful of tissues from the bedside table, I pressed the wad over the wound, my other hand awkward until I let it rest on the opposite side of his neck, fingertips holding his jaw steady. "Does this hurt?"
"No?" he mumbled, unconsciously mimicking the tone of my question.
"You don't remember anything?" We both glanced down as the baby cooed.
Again, he floundered, reaching to touch her and then remembering he couldn't. He shoved his fingers under his thighs instead. "I remember walking to the toilet, and then I was back in bed again and the doctors were here."
"You didn't feel dizzy at all?"
"A little, I guess? I don't remember, Garrett." His pulse raced under my palm.
"Because you hit your head?"
"I don't know," he told me, whining a little. "I can't think."
I left it, softly kissing his forehead, my lips lingering longer than appropriate in front of the kids. "Carlisle, I love you so much, but I need you to be honest with the psychiatrist or whoever sees you. I need you to get help; they're not going to lock you up and throw away the key."
"They will if I tell them that I tried to kill myself," he grumbled, shifting uncomfortably in the bed. "I'm going to puke; I don't feel good."
I winced as he said the words. My head spun every time he mentioned it so casually, that metallic smell of blood mixed with bleach burning my nose - the closest I could get to the memory was the clean up; I'd vomit if I pictured him in the state I found him in. I tried not to cringe as my current task became all too familiar. "You've got to tell them the truth; they can't help you if you lie."
"I know, but…"
"It'll be alright. Just tell them."
"But-"
"We'll figure it out, okay? I'm not going anywhere; even if you don't want us to be together, I'll still be here as long as you need support. But I need you to do this, I need you to try. Really try."
"I have been- I tried so hard with the councillor, but I don't feel like it helped, and now I'm sick, and I'm so tired all the time-"
"I'm not accusing you of not trying, baby," I interrupted. "But please be honest with them. Please." I wasn't sure if it was the sleep deprivation, but there was a painful lump in my throat, my eyes burning.
He clocked me as my voice became thick. "Don't cry, Gar, you'll make me cry too," he pleaded, sounding just as unstable. He was watching my face as I tried not to look at him, pulling the tissue away from his cheek to check the wound as an excuse to avoid our eyes meeting until I got it together. It didn't reassure him any. His hand came up to grip my wrist, the movement stopping just before he made contact with me. "I promise I'll tell them, please don't be upset. I don't want to hurt you." A few tears dribbled over, much to his further distress, his attempts to stifle it unsuccessful. "I'm sorry; I'm just really, really tired," he hurriedly tried to explain.
"Shh, I know. I love you." My voice broke too, though I desperately tried not to dissolve. "So much."
Kate was watching us again, starting to sniffle. "Carlisle," she whimpered.
"It's okay, Kate, I'm okay," he soothed quickly. He pushed my hands away from his face, heat rising in his cheeks. "You need to go, Garrett. Thanks for coming."
"Let me know what the doctors say, and I'll come and see you tomorrow." I stole a kiss as I leaned over to pick up Irina, and quickly ushered the kate out of the room before I lost the nerve to pry myself away from him.
.
.
The rain might have gone, but the wind had picked up, so I drove the kids over to the closest mall. I hoped the indoor playground might take Kate's mind off of the hospital. My ploy worked for a while; she tore around the structure with a group of other kids for the best part of an hour, but my hopes were eventually dashed when she emerged from the slide and slowly wandered over to me. "What happened, Katie?" I already knew, realistically, reaching for her with the arm that didn't contain the baby.
"I miss Carlisle," she mumbled into my shirt.
Oh god, me too. "I know, but he needs to stay with the doctors until his tummy is feeling better." I stroked my hand down her back.
"Mummy never had to stay long."
"I know," I repeated. "Are you hungry? You can pick whatever you want for lunch?" At that point, I didn't care; I just didn't want to be the cause of the child needing therapy later on. And I was so fucking tired.
She shook her head, burying his face in my shoulder. "Can we make him something?" Her whine had turned into a quiet sob. I squeezed her a little tighter, josling Irina in my attempt to hug her. And then she was crying too, but at an ear-shattering volume. My panic was soothed a little as I realised she'd just spat out her pacifier.
"Shh, it's alright," I soothed her, slipping it back between her lips and praying with everything I was worth that she would settle until we got home. "What was that, Kate?"
"Can we make Carlisle a card? That's what we did at school when our teacher was sick," she pleaded.
I glanced at my watch. There was still a few hours before I was due to take the two of them home again, and the thought was sweet. I agreed, steering her toward a dollar store on the way out. We didn't have kid-appropriate craft supplies at home, and I hung back at the ends of the aisle as she raided the art section, still trying to soothe a moody infant. Irina was happy, so long as I bounced and rocked her against my torso, but fussed the moment I stopped. It was going to be a long afternoon.
.
.
He called me while I was trying to coax a bottle into Irina. We'd been home for an hour, and Kate was elbow deep in stickers, glitter and coloured card, but her sister wouldn't be ratified. I jammed the phone between my shoulder and my ear, rubbing the baby's front as her coos turned into agitated snuffles.
More medications. More blood tests. Different antidepressants. The stress of it leached through in his voice; and he sounded so down, though he'd denied it when I poked for details.
"Are you sure you're okay?" I pressed again.
"Yeah; I really just want to come home. It's always so cold here, and I miss our bed. I'm not even allowed to go to the bathroom by myself now that I've passed out, and I think they've, ah, got me under watch so that I can't hurt myself."
"What'd you mean?" I asked slowly.
He paused. "They've put me under supervision. They don't trust me, and now I've got a twenty-four/seven safety partner."
A wave of cold sank through me. "The wounds were fresh, weren't they?" I realised suddenly. "You'd done it again."
He didn't say anything, his silence telling.
"Christ, Carlisle," I groaned. "When?"
"When, what?" he stalled.
"When did you do it?" Of course he had. I was a fucking moron. I couldn't blame that on exhaustion either; I hadn't been watching him closely enough, but I couldn't think when I'd slipped up so badly.
"I don't want to talk about this, Garrett." He was about to cry again, if he wasn't already, and quite obviously censoring himself to avoid his guard overhearing.
"Carlisle," I repeated anyway. Irina whined, hearing the hostility in my tone, and Kate's eyes had drifted from the tabletop, wide on me.
"The morning before I had the appointment."
"You were with me." I couldn't pinpoint when he'd been alone - he'd been so ill that I hadn't wanted to let him out of my sight. And I was sure I had watched him get dressed. He wasn't being honest.
"Not the whole time," he mumbled.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying not to let the fatigue get the better of me. "Really, baby, are you alright?"
"Yeah." No. "I don't like this," he murmured anxiously, his speech suddenly fast. "I can't breathe when he's in here, and he just stares at me- I want to discharge myself."
I swallowed as the room spun. "No. Absolutely not. What do you think is going to happen if you come home against medical advice? You're going to go back to vomiting every few minutes, and you passed out less than four hours ago; you're not going anywhere."
"I can't do this," he whispered. "You don't understand; I'm not strong enough."
"You're exhausted, Carlisle, you need to get some sleep and finally keep some food down. You'll feel better once you're not so run down." I'd faltered in my hold on Irina's bottle, needing to guide it back to her mouth and trying to split my attention a little better. Kate was talking to me too, but I couldn't hear her despite her only being a few feet from me.
"I just need to come home."
"I love you, but if you leave, I'm not picking you up. We're going straight back to the hospital the second you get back here," I warned as sternly as I could manage. It was a hollow threat; there was no way in hell I'd actually leave him stranded - god knows what he'd do.
"Garrett, please."
"No way." I listened to his breathing pick up until it incopacitated him, no doubt the start of a panic attack, until a deeper voice in the background intervened. "I love you. I'm sorry," I murmured to him. They were threatening to take his phone away, and he was begging them not to, but he was so worked up that he wasn't helping himself. I didn't think he was even holding the device anymore, everything was so muffled. "I love you," I repeated. It went unheard again, the line going dead with a click a second later.
My stomach contracted painfully, acid in my throat.
"Uncle Garrett?" Kate asked again.
"Hmm?" The noise I got out was barely human, my eyes flicking to the card she was holding. "It looks great, Katie." My hands were shaking. So badly I was struggling with the baby. She'd spat at the bottle again, gurgling softly as I lifted her against my shoulder, patting her back.
My niece beamed at me. "Can we take it to him?"
"Uh, he really needs to sleep; I'll take it to him for you in the morning," I promised. My knees felt weak as I put Irina down in her bassinet, tightly securing the blankets around her. "Why don't you watch TV? Your parents should be back soon." My voice definitely sounded weird too. Thankfully, the six-year-old didn't seem to notice, nor did she complain about my choice of kids channel as I set it up for her.
.
.
I took advantage of Irina's nap and Kate's absorption in the television to steal a few minutes for myself. Feeling the tight wad of emotion in my chest start to spiral out of control, I locked myself in the bathroom, sinking down against the door. My stomach hurt whenever I thought about him doing that to himself. Even wanting to do that.
And he was going to dump me for abandoning him there, for forcing him to remain trapped. I'd promised him they wouldn't do it, but had done it myself. Fuck.
I leaned over the toilet bowl as the nausea rose, but nothing came up. I couldn't remember if I'd eaten today when I'd fed the kids - I'd been so preoccupied that it hadn't mattered. Eleazar should have been coming soon. Please be early.
It only took a momentary distraction for the burning to turn to tears, the tears turning into sobs I desperately tried to muffle with the sleeve of my jacket. Get a fucking grip.
My chest ached, a sharp pain in my left side. I stretched my legs out in front of me, trying to ease the pressure in my gut, forcing a few deep breaths. My hands shook as I scrubbed them across my face. I wasn't sure how long I sat there. How long it took for the emotion to become numb again.
I eventually sucked it up enough to drag myself upright, splashing cold water over my face to hide my meltdown from Kate.
She hadn't noticed I'd been gone. I quietly went about doing the dishes, trying not to sniff too much and barely resisting the lump in my throat. "Are you full, Katie? Do you need a snack?" I called out into the lounge. I had to cough to make the words come out properly.
She shook her head, blonde curls tangling on her shirt.
Good. I wasn't sure I had the coherence, yet. That pain was still in my ribs. I missed him so much.
It was an eternity before my brother knocked on my door. Kate ran to open it, and I prolonged the process of drying my hands until the tea towel started to rub at my skin. Eleazar scooped up the child, throwing her over his shoulder and provoking fits of giggles. "Hey, Garrett," he greeted without looking at me, going to scoop up the baby next.
Carmen rolled her eyes at her husband, but couldn't resist a smile as she watched him with her family. She came into the kitchen to stand with me, and it wasn't until she was right in front of me that I realised she was there for a hug. "Thanks for taking them. Did they behave?"
I nodded. "How's your father?"
"He's alright," she sighed. "He's broken his hip, but he's had a screw up in, and should be on the mend fairly quickly. Mum is doing better than I expected too." She glanced over her shoulder to check the proximity of her husband before asking; "Is Carlisle doing better?"
I wondered if they had argued about it in the car. Shaking my head, I rubbed at the sharp stab thinking about him brought on. "Not really," I told her, unable to get anything else out without having a complete breakdown.
"You alright, Garrett? You're pale," Eleazar commented as he finally came over.
"Uh, yeah, I'm just a little stressed," I admitted.
"About? Have my kids been awful?" he frowned, looking down at Irina in his arms, a smile creeping in as she gurgled happily.
"Um…" I knew he was only going to chew me out over my choice of boyfriend again. I wasn't sure I could handle it.
Carmen dobbed me in anyway. "His partner is ill, Eleazar."
"I don't care about him, I just care about you; if he's upsetting you, you need to get rid of him. Just cut him out," he grumbled bitterly. "He's using you; stop letting him manipulate you."
Hot, angry tears welled up. "He was right to break up with me; you don't have to be mean to him over it," I snapped back.
"I know you think the sun shines out of his ass, Garrett, and he's blinded you too much to see it, but he's a piece of shit. He's terrible; surely you can see that, at least a little."
The pain got worse. This time accompanied with an inability to breathe. "Stop talking about him like that; I need him. I just need him to get better." My voice broke, my resolve to not be an absolute child crumbling, my eyes watering no matter how hard I tried to stop it. "Nothing I do helps him, and he's so miserable, and-"
My brother started to dig at him again, only for his wife to shush him and shove the keys into his free hand. "Take the kids, and go and sit in the car. That's enough." She waited until he'd begrudgingly followed her instructions before taking my wrist and pulling me to sit with her at the table. "What's going on, Garrett?" she asked softly.
It fucking broke me. I whined to her for the best part of half an hour, telling her everything, my chest only feeling worse, cramping. "He hasn't been able to eat anything in weeks - he's so weak, and he's lost so much weight-" Without realising it, my hand had gone back to the ache.
"Are you not feeling well?" she probed carefully.
"N-no, I- it just hurts a bit. I'm fine," I protested meekly, my point entirely irrelevant considering I'd made myself nauseous from crying so much. I made a conscious effort to drop my hand.
"Honey, if you're getting chest pain, you need to see a doctor."
I shook my head.
"I know you're only 27, but you can still have a heart attack when you're young. Come on, I'll take you to urgent care; you don't even have to tell Carlisle if it turns out to be nothing, right?" she reasoned.
"Carmen, I can't. It'll go away, I'm just stressed," I repeated. "It's not that bad; I'm just so worried about him."
"Garrett," she sighed, offering me a sad smile.
"I'm okay." I tried to smile back. "But maybe you should take Eleazar home before he tries to bite my head off?"
Conflicted, she hesitated before reluctantly pulling me into another hug. "Alright. But promise me you'll go straight to get help if you start to feel worse, and you call us if you need anything."
I nodded obediently. "Thanks, Carmen."
.
.
I needed to see Carlisle. I scrambled around to shove a warmer change of clothes into a backpack, finding his favorite blanket and folding it up as well - a bribe to try and keep the peace. It was rush hour, and the traffic was terrible. It had been a mistake to stop at a service station - I knew he wouldn't eat dinner, but I hoped snacks and a drink might be a little easier. I watched the clock as I drove, starving off more tears as it got closer and closer to the end of visiting hours and the chances of me being able to see him at all were slipping away.
I made it back to the ward with ten minutes to spare. The relief made me lightheaded. Knocking softly on the door, I pushed it open, my smile fading as he lost his stomach contents into a cardboard bowl yet again. There was a man hovering against the wall, watching him but not helping - his safety watch, I realised. "Hey...dinner didn't go well, huh?" I dumped what I was holding on the chair, instinctively combing my fingers through his hair once I was close enough, my free hand going to his back as his body shuddered.
"What are you doing back here?" It took a moment for me to realise he was pleased to see me. His voice still shook and he was panting to get his breath back, but the relief on his face was obvious. My chest pain eased slightly.
"I know you need to sleep, but I brought you a blanket and some warmer clothes; I don't want you to freeze." I kissed his shoulder as he shivered. "Water?" Passing the cup, I supervised as he tried to swallow away the acid in his throat. I glanced at the stranger, who only sternly frowned back. Carlisle squirmed under his stare. "He's fine with me; I'll stay with him," I murmured over my shoulder, hoping he'd take the hint. He did, thankfully.
"You're a good partner," Carlisle whispered into the polystyrene.
I almost flinched. It had been a while since he'd referred to me as that, and I wasn't convinced he really considered us back at that level. "I love you." Replacing the cup in his hand with a bottle of gatorade, I watched colour rise in his face.
"I-I…"
"I don't expect you to say it back, Carlisle," I assured him. Trying to prove to myself that I was getting better at dealing, I took the bowl away from him, ditching it in the trash and grabbing another off of the shelf.
"Thank you for coming back, Gar," he mumbled. He let me drape the blanket over the bed, relaxing ever so slightly as my hands brushed over him. His arms looped around my shoulders as I leaned over.
I drew him into a hug. "I wish I could make you feel better."
"I know it's late, but can you stay a little longer?" His voice got lost in my coat. "Please?"
"Yeah." If the nursing staff didn't evict me.
"Tell me about your day with the kids?" He pleaded when I moved to sit back. He anxiously gripped my arm to keep me close to him.
"Oh, well, they both woke me up at six, Kate destroyed the kitchen before breakfast, and got sticky hand prints all through the car on the way here this morning because I was dumb enough to take her to McDonalds - I thought it would keep her quiet. And then we went to the mall, because I'd fed her so much sugar that she couldn't sit still, and I didn't want to return an absolute nightmare to Carmen." I was half grumbling, expecting him to laugh. "Oh, and she made you a card." I wanted that over as well.
He managed a small smile. "You'll be a good dad."
"Did you not listen to a word I just said?" I chuckled.
He rolled his eyes. "I'm really glad you came back. Not just because of the blanket."
"You know you can tell me if I'm not here and you need something."
"I didn't need anything; it's just nice having you here."
We were silent for a few minuets. "Baby?" I tightened my hand around his, rubbing the back of his knuckles with my palm.
"Hmm?" Sleepy, he wasn't focused anymore, the tension leaving his spine as he dissolved into the bedding.
"Where is it?" I asked softly. "I know you hurt yourself while you were here; whatever you used, where is it?"
He was suddenly very awake, lurching upright in the bed. It looked like he was about to vomit again. "I didn't, I-I-"
"Carlisle, you changed in front of me that morning - I helped you. There was nothing new there; whatever they saw that freaked them out enough to put you under supervision happened while you were here," I reasoned. I let him rip his hand out of mine, watching what little colour was in his cheeks drain.
He didn't cry like I thought he might, just froze, unable to breathe.
"Give it to me, please," I whispered. "This is only going to get worse if you keep doing this."
"...I know…" he whispered back. "Don't hate me, Garrett, please. I know I promised I'd try."
"I'm not upset with you, but you have to let me help." There was a long pause where I was sure he was ignoring me, but he eventually relented without any more pleading. I watched his hands shake as he handed it over, sliding it out of his phone case, not looking at me as I slid the offending piece of metal into my pocket while I tried not to freak out about it. I kissed his temple instead. "Thank you."
More silence. Carlisle was shaking, though I doubted it was from the temperature of the room, judging on how many covers he had over him.
"You okay?" Knotting our fingers together again, I rubbed his knuckles with my thumb.
He nodded timidly. "Nervous." His eyes flicked to the door, his shoulders tensing as the guard briefly put his head through the door to check on us.
"Ignore him, baby. He's only there to help," I soothed softly. "I'll stay until you fall asleep, if you want?"
He picked at the bruising on his hands. "Aren't you tired?"
Exhausted. "It's okay. Try and relax; I'll stay as long as I can, and you can call me tomorrow when you wake up if you're still feeling crappy," I tried to reason.
Still unsure, he nodded just to humour me.
"I love you."
He still wouldn't say it back.