To make this more fun to you the reader, I suggest putting on the theme from Video Game Confessions ( /watch?v=tCrrZ1NnCuM )

Multimedia Confessions - Season 1

You're introduced to a young Saya-jin/Endurion male of Blasian descent at about 6'0" with a fighter's frame. His hair spiked and black with eyes of light gray and electrical blue ends on his hair. He wears a black three piece suit with a dark blue collared tie, a tie, and black boots.

"This is Ryo Nazo Blackthorn, a Time Patroller and younger brother to Joshinari Blackthorn. Ryo works in the seven-star restaurant known as the Tori Dragon Palace (which is two blocks away from the Pixel Palace). Now it has expanded where all across the media, all around the multiverse, many pop in to have a drink. Sometimes, they share stories, and even secrets. Because—as we all know—what the bartender hears is confidential... isn't it?"

Episode 6 – Greg Heffley

So here I was tending the bar and in walks someone who's lived more vicariously in memes and fan content, Greg Heffley. It's his first time coming here, you can tell that through his eyes. He sits down at the bar and asks for cranberry juice. I oblige and ask how he's been…

"I'm trying to sort my issues out." Greg said. "I've been seeing a therapist."

I don't make fun of him for that. It is Men's Mental Health Month after all…even if no one seems to care about that.

"I heard you're the guy…the person people come to vent about their issues." Greg remarked before finishing his drink. "You got any non-alcoholic cocktails and mixes? Trying to avoid hitting the happy sauce."

"You mean a mocktail? I can do that…" I told him before cracking my knuckles.

A handful of green grapes and blueberries on bamboo skewers to put in a drink that had four tablespoons of grenadine to mix with sparkling water and orange juice to have a fruity cocktail. Basic, but effective. Greg's pleased and he begins to open up.

"Your perspective really begins to change when you get your head out of own behind. You start to see the cracks in the world around you…how messed up your parents are and how bad of a person you're nearly becoming." Greg marked sipping at his drink.

"Self-awareness does that." I remarked idly pouring a cranberry juice for myself to drink.

"Oh, I didn't become a warper for that to happen…I'm from one of the sub-universes…from the subsection called 'Dysfunctional Perspective'." Greg explained.

That explains it. I actually do read that LLB, it's pretty good…but a dark mirror into the series.

"I was seeing someone in secret. He wasn't a full-on therapist but someone studying to be one. An acquaintance of Rodrick…turned out he was a warper in hiding. He had issues with his family too…I guess. But after some sessions, I began to realize why Rodrick was so checked out of everything…how completely messed up my family was." Greg said before finishing off the drink before asking me for another.

I made him another mocktail.

"I found myself just keeping quiet…distancing myself from my parents. I didn't just give up in school…but I just kept myself only really speaking to them if I needed to. Rodrick and I? We became close. I had to…he needed someone to patch him up when dad…"

He cut himself off to chug down the remainder of his second drink before looking at that empty drink.

"I'm afraid. I have nightmares that I could end up like my dad…or if it's really bad, like my mom." He said with a shudder.

"How did you get out?" I asked him.

"I reached out to my Uncle Joe. I was earnest and while he wanted to live this life…he offered to take me in. Made an excuse to my parents that I could go to a fancy private boarding school that would be better for me. My mom bought it to feed her ego…" Greg said wistfully. "Joe handed Rodrick some cash for him to move out."

Another mocktail. He was pounding them back like they were booze.

"So yeah, that's where I am now. Trying to finish school, chatting up with Rowley, keeping in touch with Rodrick, and working to better myself. I keep my distance from my parents…and I'll cut them out of my life when I'm 18."

"Good for you, do you still want to be rich and famous?" I joked.

He looks me in the eye with a dry look.

"Rich? Yes. Famous, absolutely not. The desire for fame came from a lack of attention…a need to feed my ego. I can't let myself go down that road…" Greg said firmly. "Now, I'd like the check please."

He paid for his drinks, plus tip before leaving. It's nice to hear something upbeat considering all the depressing shit most people come in here for.

You see a lot of strange things as a bartender, see a lot of strange things at the Tori Dragon. So, I see a lot of strange things as a bartender at the Tori Dragon, and that isn't no lie. Swear to it!

(A/N: This is dedicated to the r/LodedDiaper group on Reddit, thank you for all of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid fanwork. You guys have made me laugh and cry with your LLBs and you are all the reason I decided to do an entry for Greg.)