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"Talking"

'Thinking'

"Host talking"

'Host thinking'

Episode 2

"Time for the first fight of Dragon Ball Z." Issei and Irina cheered. Their reactions got a few chuckles from the rest of the audience.

"Why exactly are you cheering about seeing yourself lose a fight and die?" Vali asked in a pointed tone of voice.

"It's still fun to see." Issei protested. "And it expands the world a lot. Not to mention the benefits of dying."

[DISCLAIMER]

KAISERNEKO: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(scene opens up with Issei and Sirzechs flying through the air trying to track down Raynare)

ISSEI: Hey Sirzechs. Mind if I ask you somethin'?

SIRZECHS: What is it?

ISSEI: You're not human either, right?

SIRZECHS: Yeah...

ISSEI: And your dad spit you out as an egg, right?

SIRZECHS: What about it?

ISSEI: Are... Are you a Yoshi?

The audience was stunned in silence at the insane question. At the same time, they could not stop themselves from thinking it through. And then the chuckles started, before turning into full blown laughter.

"The Crimson Satan is actually a Yoshi." Azazel choked out between laughs. "Imagine if the Old Maou Faction tried saying this stuff to dethrone you."

"Well lucky for me, I'm not actually green. So, they wouldn't have any reason to say that." Sirzechs scoffed, making a point of ignoring the giggles coming from his son and wife.

"It's called magic photoshop." Azazel smirked back. "And don't tell me you Devils don't sometimes mess around with the color of your skin just for the hell of it." The silence coming from Sirzechs was proof enough.

(Sirzechs gives an annoyed look at Issei)

SIRZECHS: (sarcastically) ...Yes, Issei. I'm a green f**king dinosaur!

ISSEI: Can... Can I ride you?

(Sirzechs lets out an annoyed groan)

Issei nearly let out a laugh at his own words but could feel the glare coming from the crimson haired man, so he chose to swallow the laugh.

(opening sequence; scene shifts to a crying Millicas and Raynare)

RAYNARE: Shut up. I said, shut up! SHUT UP! Damn it, why isn't screaming angrily making you cry less?! I'm going to put you in the time-out pod. (puts Millicas in his Space Pod and closes the door) (thinking) Thank sweet merciful God that's over. (out loud)

If their glares were lasers, Grayfia and Rias would have turned the screen to ashes for what Raynare was doing to Millicas.

"Huh, guess she's always going to be a bitch." Issei commented.

RAYNARE: Now I can just sit back and—(scouter beeps) ...beat the crap out of whoever's coming. (sighs) ...Great.

(Raynare looks into the sky and sees Issei and Sirzechs come flying down)

ISSEI: Raynare! Give me back my son! (jumps off Nimbus) Wheeeeee!

RAYNARE: So, you're here already. And I see you brought the Namekian as well.

ISSEI: A-actually, that hasn't been explained yet.

"Yeah, no spoilers!" Irina cried out with Issei nodding.

"Does it really count at this point?" Bikou snarked. He quickly shut up when he felt the glare from Issei and Irina and even Issei's parents.

RAYNARE: Oh. Well, it's not like anyone cares about him anyway.

(Sirzechs removes his cape and grabs his turban)

SIRZECHS: Well screw you too!

ISSEI: Sirzechs, you use weighted training clothes as well?

SIRZECHS: (sarcastically) No, Issei. I just love to get naked when I'm around you. (drops his turban)

"Please no." Rias moaned. "I don't want to compete with my brother as well." She complained, getting chuckles from everyone else.

RAYNARE: (thinking) Their power level is rising! (out loud) So, nudity makes you stronger on this planet! (unzips his pants)

"If only I could find a world where that was reality." Issei said in a teary voice.

ISSEI: Uh... no. We're wearing weighted clothing.

RAYNARE: (quickly zips up his pants and crosses his arms) Oh... Of course! Because that would be ridiculous! (laughs nervously)

SIRZECHS: ...So that hair does compensate for something.

(Phil Sebben's head pops up)

PHIL SHEBBEN: Ha ha! Lady parts.

RAYNARE: SHUT UP! (quickly dashes behind Issei and Sirzechs and elbows both of them, knocking them off their feet.)

"Got to admit." Azazel grinned. "Nice to see Sirzechs being tossed around a bit. Total opposite to everyone being careful of him vaporizing them in one hit."

SIRZECHS: Okay, what the hell was that?

ISSEI: I don't know! But let's try it again... from behind!

(Issei and Sirzechs tries to attack Raynare from behind, who counterattacks by kicking at both of them, knocking them away)

SIRZECHS: We really shouldn't be announcing our attack strategy!

ISSEI: Rush him! (leaps towards Raynare)

SIRZECHS: Damn it, Issei! (also rushes towards Raynare)

"You really are a novice." Vali says mockingly.

SIRZECHS: Will you at least try to dodge this one?!

ISSEI: Dodge what? (Raynare fires his Double Sunday attack) OH GEEZ!

(Issei manages to dodges the blast, but Sirzechs isn't as lucky as he loses his left arm)

ISSEI: Ha! You missed me!

(Raynare appears behind Issei)

RAYNARE: My bad. (kicks Issei, knocking him away)

ISSEI: (thinks) Note to self: Less talky, more fighty. (slowly gets up and look towards Sirzechs) Hey Sirzechs. We may be taking a beating, but at least we managed to dodge that one. (Sirzechs gets up with blood dripping from his severed arm) High fi-IIIIIEEEEE! Uh... handsha—... thumbs u—... G-good job!
"Having trouble there Sirzechs?" Azazel says with a Smirk.
"Don't you dare say it." Sirzechs says through gritted teeth.
"Cause I'm more the willing to lend you a hand!" He yells out before bursting out laughing followed by a few others.

RAYNARE: Ha ha! Aaaahaha! Aaaahaha! Aw, excuse me, has anyone seen my arm? You can't miss it, it's green! Ha ha ha!

SIRZECHS: Yeah... Anyway, listen. I've got one more attack that should do it. Upside is, I can use it with one arm.

ISSEI: And what's the downside?

SIRZECHS: You'll have to distract him while I charge it...

ISSEI: That's not too bad—

SIRZECHS: For five minutes. And considering he beat us to a pulp in under one and—ah, never mind, I'm sure you can handle it.

ISSEI: Wow. You really have that much faith in me?

SIRZECHS: Yeah, sure. Why not?

There were many sighs going through the audience. Partly because of Issei's stupidity, partly because of Sirzechs's sarcasm, and partly because of the ridiculous charge time for a single attack. Though with the last one, it was hiding a bit of regret from many remembering their own past where they had that issue.

ISSEI: Well then, I won't disappoint you. (dashes towards Raynare) Here goes nothing! Haaaaagggghhh! Ready or not, here I—(gets attacked by Raynare while the screen shifts to Sirzechs) aaaaahhh!

SIRZECHS: (in his thoughts; singing the tune of "Mahna Mahna" while Issei is getting beaten senselessly by Raynare) Mahna Mahna do doo be-do-do. Mahna Mahna do do-do do. Mahna Mahna do doo de-do-do de-do-do de-do-do de-do-do Ima chargin' my attack.

Sirzechs could feel the glare coming from Rias as his on-screen version was mentally humming while her boyfriend/on screen husband was getting thrashed. By a version of his ex-girlfriend no less.

(Scene changes Issei getting the upper hand by grabbing Raynare's tail.)

ISSEI: Ha! Got your tail!

RAYNARE: Please let me go?

ISSEI: Well, since you asked nicely...

(Issei lets go of Raynare's tail; who thanks him by kicking him away)

The sound of everyone slapping their head in disappointment rang loudly.

SIRZECHS: (in his thoughts while Issei receives another senseless beating from Raynare offscreen) Perhaps on second thought, a whole five-minute startup time for an attack is pretty abysmal in terms of usability in battle.

The different leaders thought to themselves 'You think!' but did not say anything to avoid their own embarrassment.

ISSEI: (offscreen) Sirzechs help! (scene changes to Issei grabbing Raynare's tail again) Ha! Got your tail...! Again!

RAYNARE: Please let go?

ISSEI: I'm not falling for that again!

RAYNARE: Pretty please let me go?

ISSEI: (once again lets go of Raynare's tail) Well... (Raynare elbows Issei, knocking him away) Oooh! Ow! Spine! (Raynare stomps on Issei's ribs) Ow! Ribs! Definitely ribs!

The audience could only sigh in disappointment.

RAYNARE: Aha! Attacking an opponent roughly four times your strength in a one-on-one battle. A cunning strategy! No, no, no, not cunning. What's the opposite of that?

SIRZECHS: (offscreen) Retarded?

RAYNARE: That's it, thank you! Now, disregarding the Namekian, I—

ISSEI: Uh-uh! A Yoshi!

SIRZECHS: (offscreen) I'm not a god damn Yoshi!

ISSEI: But you said you were!

SIRZECHS: (offscreen) It's called sarcasm!

ISSEI: What's that taste like?

SIRZECHS: (offscreen) Damn it Issei!

"Maybe Issei Sempai really is that dumb." Koneko snarked.

(Raynare crushes Issei's ribs)

RAYNARE: STOP IGNORING ME!

ISSEI: Aaah my ribs! I think you broke my...mmmmmm ribs.

RAYNARE: Uggggh. (stomps on Issei's ribs three more times and prepares to kill him) Stop! Ignoring! Me! AND DIE! (scouter beeps) Huh?

Issei and Irina sat up in their seats in excitement.

"This is gonna be good!"

MILLICAS: Stop beating up my daddy! (breaks out of Raynare's Space Pod)

(Millicas rushes towards Raynare)

RAYNARE: Nooo, my Space Pod—(Millicas headbutts Raynare) Augh! My space armor!

SIRZECHS: (offscreen) We get it, you're from space!

(Millicas lands next to Issei)

"Wow! Look mother! I knocked down the bad guy!" Millicas cheered.

"Yes, you did. And such a wonderful job." Grayfia cooed, patting her son's head.

ISSEI: M-Millicas. (MILLICAS: Huh?) What... was that?

MILLICAS: (gets up) Daddy!

ISSEI: No-no, seriously. What the hell was that? We were getting slaughtered out there, and you could do that—(Millicas looks behind and notices Raynare) Oh, crap.

RAYNARE: (approaches a frightened Millicas) Aunt Raynare is PISSED! (smacks Millicas, which the screen pauses upon impact)

KAISERNEKO: We here at Team Four Star do not condone child violence. We do, however, find it hilarious.
Most of the Women in the audience, especially Rias and Grayfia, seethed with fury at not only seeing Millicas getting hurt, but the creators of this version finding it hilarious that he'd gotten hurt. Thank every Deity out there that they can't find them because the pain they'd be put through would be Legendary.

(Screen unpauses as Millicas is sent flying by Raynare's attack)

ISSEI: Wait, hold on!

RAYNARE: Oh, what? Mister Shattered Ribs is going to stop me? (begins walking towards Millicas)

ISSEI: Listen, you don't understand! Nothing you could do could ever compare to what Rias would do to me if she found out he died!

Sirzechs nodded in understanding. The fear of the wife was stronger than the fear of the son getting hurt.

(Raynare begins charging up a Ki blast at Millicas)

RAYNARE: Well, sucks to be you!

ISSEI: (thinking) I don't have any choice. I have to use my last technique!

RAYNARE: NOW DIE! (prepares to kill Millicas)

(Issei grabs Raynare from behind)

ISSEI: Full Nelson!

RAYNARE: A Full Nelson? That won't work on me! I'm Raynare! (tries to break free but can't) Hurghhurgh! ...Okay, let go! (continues trying to break free, but no avail) Hurrrggrrrg! Seriously, this is starting to piss me off!

"So she's pissed off. Tell us something new."

ISSEI: Sirzechs!

SIRZECHS: Ready!

ISSEI: Good! Just make sure you give me a signal before you fire that thing! I'm right behind him!

SIRZECHS: Oh sure; I'll give you a signal. It'll be the last signal you'll ever get!

(scene shifts to Issei as Sirzechs laughs evilly offscreen)

A look of realization dawned on Rias's face as she remembered how exactly this played out in the original.

ISSEI: Well, okay. As long as we're clear on that.

SIRZECHS: MAKANSA—... MAKAKASAPOP—... MEKKASAPPA—... (groans) Oh, to hell with it. SPECIAL BEAM CANNON! (fires the Special Beam Cannon at Issei and Raynare)
"Makankosappo!" yelled Issei and Irina.

"If you are going to do the attack, get the name right!" Irina added with Issei nodding.

ISSEI: Is that what you're going to yell out when you— (Special Beam Cannon pierces through both Issei and Raynare) OH GOD!

MOUNTAIN CLIMBER: Riiiiiicolaaaa— (blast hits mountain) AAAAAUUUUGH!

(both Issei and Raynare hit the ground, fatally wounded)

Sirzechs could feel the glare from Rias without even looking behind him. He did not even dare turn for fear that she might actually attack him. Or worse, turn her nose up at him and pointedly look away!

RAYNARE: Damn it! And there was no way I could have gotten out of there!

SIRZECHS: You know, you could've flown.

RAYNARE: Damn you, hindsiiiiight! Bleh. (dies)

"Ah yes. Hindsight. Truly the bane of every living being." Michael said in an almost reverent tone, like he was making a sermon at church.

(Sirzechs looks up in the sky and notices a ship heading towards the battlefield.)

SAJI: (from ship) Issei! After several hours of debating, we decided you might need us— (notices both Issei's and Raynare's damaged bodies) ah, crap!

(scene shifts to Saji holding Issei's hand while Sirzechs and Master Azazel watch)

SAJI: Issei! You can't die! Here, I brought a Senzu Bean!

ISSEI: (dying) I don't think that's gonna work.

SAJI: Why not?

ISSEI: (dying) I sort of have a hole in my esophagus.

SAJI: Wait, then how are you breathing? (Issei slowly closes his eyes and dies) ...Issei? ...Issei? Holy crap... I'm not the first person to die in this series!

MASTER AZAZEL: Saji!

SAJI: What?

MASTER AZAZEL: Too soon!

"Yeah, seriously man." Issei spoke up with a grin. "At least wait until I have a funeral or something." Saji merely responded with a middle finger.

BULMA: I can't believe he's gone.

SIRZECHS: Yeah, pity that. RRRRRRAAAAHHH! (regenerates his left arm)

"What was that about willing to lend me an arm Azazel?" Sirzechs asked the former governor with a smirk on his face.

SAJI: (runs up to Sirzechs) Wait, what the hell? You can regenerate?

SIRZECHS: Yeah. And you know what else?

SAJI: What?

SIRZECHS: (quickly) I'm taking Millicas. Bye! (flies off with Millicas)

Grayfia looked like she was about to raise an objection, but then thought it over. Then shrugged.

"This is still preferable to being left to Azazel for training." Her words got a large reaction of "Ooooohhhhs." from the rest of the audience.

SAJI: Quick! Somebody stop him! (crickets chirp in silence) Damn it Azazel!

MASTER AZAZEL: Shut up, Saji!

(Saji Owned Count: 2)

SAJI: Aww...

The Sai in the audience had a very similar reaction.

(ending sequence)

[STINGER]

ISSEI: Millicas, do a Headbutt!

(in the style of Pokémon)

MILLICAS: Miiil-LICAS!

"Millicas used Headbutt!"

(Millicas headbutts Raynare)

"It was super-effective!"

"Damn right it was!" Issei cheered.

Many thanks once again to my friend who is writing this with me. Since episode 2 was the end of the Introduction of the Abridged series, so to speak, we figured putting in some extra effort to get these out would be beneficial to the popularity of the story itself. Just don't expect this sort of thing all the time lol. We might be able to write and post a couple of chapters back-to-back, but both of us will be working on other fanfic projects. Not to mention real life stuff.

That's it for now. Please Favorite, Follow, and Review. But most of all, thank you for reading!