Chapter 11

The next few days were an emotional rollercoaster. On the very next day, I was very happy with how the night ended and I was proud of myself. Of course, I knew that me physically assaulting one of the nuns is not just going to go away. Lena asked to talk to me privately. First, I didn't really want to tell her what happened, but I was well aware that it was a serious situation, so I had no choice. But I didn't tell her about my stepfather. Even Siobhan didn't know about that. Only Eve, and now James. I was half expecting to be sent back home. However, she looked at me with sympathy and gave me a hug. She had a chat with Father Crowley and Sister Mary and since then, Siobhan hasn't talked to me, just gave me death stares.

However, by the afternoon my doubts started to creep back in. Did I make the right decision talking to James? My opinion kept changing by the minute from yes to no. Then in the afternoon he came by to check on me, and it was the deciding moment. He did look at me different. Not disgusted, but I saw pity in his eyes. I cannot deal with people pitying me. It makes me feel powerless and weak. So, since then I started to avoid him. Most recently when he tried to talk to me outside the hospital, I told him that I needed to get some medication charts from the nursing office, and I basically ran away. It was obviously bullshit, and I was just sitting in the office by myself when the door suddenly opened, and Eve came in.

- What are you doing?

- Sitting on a chair?

- You know what I mean Minty. With James! Why are you avoiding him?

- I am not.

- Okay can you just be real with me for a change? – I could see she was getting pissed off.

- Okay, Jesus Eve! Since I told him my story, he has been looking at me different. That's it. He is the same as the other guys.

- Like fuck he is! You know what's happening right? You are self-sabotaging. Every time when something goes well, you try to find a fault in the guy so you can justify running away. Listen, I am not saying I know what you went through. I don't. And I also understand why you are this way with men. But you are my best friend and don't want to keep watching you push everyone away who could potentially make you happy.

- I am not trying to find faults in every guy, but I see what I see – I said stubbornly.

- You are projecting. You are projecting onto him what you are most scared of. You know what I see when he is looking at you? A guy who is in love with you! He has been trying so hard and if I am being honest, he is not going to keep doing that forever. You only get so many chances to find a partner like that and quite frankly you are royally fucking it up – she said and left. I was shocked. Usually, I was the tough love person in our relationship. But I was also the stubborn one and I refused to consider the fact that she might be right.

Next morning I was nurse in charge, and I was heading over to the military base to brief Doc. I was the charge nurse of the hospital, but I was not nurse in charge for all the shifts. Believe me no one could handle that shitshow. Doc could not come to the morning handover because they had a team meeting. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. Doc was sitting in the lounge/canteen thingy. He also had all his teammates and a few other soldiers sitting next to him. I could feel Red staring at me but I refused to look at him and went straight to sit down in front of Doc.

- Oh, so you are nurse in charge today – he said looking up at me – that's good.

- Yeah, I am sure I will have a blast – he chuckled. I briefed him on all the patients under his care.

- How many times a day do you check the vital signs of the patient? – he asked about an older lady.

- TDS*

- I want it to be raised to QDS**

- I want the diazepam*** increased by 5mg – he said for another patient. I was making notes so I can let the other nurses know. After we finished, I went straight for the door. I was walking on the corridor when I heard;

- Minty – I knew who it was without turning. I stopped in my track but didn't turn around.

- Minty – James said again. This time with more force. I hesitantly turned around.

- Why have you been avoiding me?

- I haven't – I said looking everywhere but him.

- Minty – Oh my God stop repeating my name.

- I was just really busy. We got 10 new patients so…

- Bullshit. You have been avoiding me. Look if I have done something wrong, please tell me. I deserve to know that at least and if you want, I will leave you alone I promise. I just want to know.

- You pity me – I said looking straight up at him. – I can see it in your eyes every time you look at me since that day – I looked down at my feet again.

- I don't want other people's pity, so I was right not wanting to tell you about me. You do look at me different – I could hear him coming closer. When I could see his feet standing in front of mine, his fingers gently lifted my chin up so I would look at him. He was only a breath away.

- Is that what you really see in my eyes? Pity? – For the first time since that day, I truly looked into his eyes. All I could see was softness, kindness and something that looked like love. I swallowed hard. I could hear Eve's words ringing in my ears. Maybe I was self-sabotaging.

- I am sorry if I made you feel like that. I deeply care about you. I know I cannot take away your pain, but I want you to know that I will always be there to support and protect you – he said still holding my chin up and I could feel tears swelling up in my eyes. He is a good man, I heard myself thinking. And I am a horrible person. Guilt spread through my chest.

- I am sorry – I breathed.

- Please don't apologise – He caressed my cheek with his thumb. I could feel this pull between us and we were both leaning in closer. My heart was absolutely pounding because I knew I was about to kiss him. Then my stupid bleep went off which signalled a medical emergency.

- I need to go – I said

- Of course – At that moment Doc rushed out of the lounge, and we ran back to the hospital. A new patient was brought in with a bullet wound to his leg which hit an artery. He was losing a lot of blood. We took him straight to surgery, and I was assisting Lena and Doc. After the patient was wheeled out, I went to the nursing office, wiped the sweat off my forehead (no aircon obs) changed out of my bloody uniform and sat down to relax a bit.

The next day I felt very calm and happy. Then James came into the nursing office with a look on his face that I didn't like.

- I am going on a mission – my heart sank. No, no, no. I mean. I knew this was his job and he was an excellent soldier. But I have seen other excellent soldiers not return. And most of the time he came back injured. He came close to me.

- I will be back in 3 days.

- What is the mission about? – not like it mattered but I wanted to buy some time.

- A politician and his family got stuck in a small city with rebel groups closing in. We need to evacuate them to a nearby camp so they can go back to the US – with rebel groups gaining more power, more and more US and foreign nationals needed to be evacuated. He caressed my cheek with the back of his fingers. God, I loved when he did that. I closed my eyes.

- I will be back in 3 days. I promise I will come back to you – To ME. My heart was flatter kicking, and I was sure I needed to do an ECG on myself after he left. I just realized that my hands were on his chest and his were around my waist. He was leaning in slowly and I felt like I will faint. But the moment our lips just grazed each other's, the door opened, and we instantly separated.

- Sorry to disturb but the helo is ready to take off. The boys are already inside –Slo said. Are you fucking kidding me? I wanted to scream. Red turned to me.

- I will be back, I promise – and he left. I was standing there in stunned silence. As I was about to turn around, the door slammed open again and Red was rushing up to me.

- Fuck it, I have been wanting to do this from the moment I saw you – then he pulled me up against him by my waist and his lips were on mine before I could realize. The kiss was even nicer than I imagined in my head. It was hands down the best kiss of my life, full of passion and need. His lips were surprisingly soft and tasted amazing. My whole body melted in his arms, and I had goosebumps all over my body. When I felt his tongue enter my mouth, I wrapped my hands around his neck and tried to pull him even closer. When we separated to catch our breath, he put his forehead against mine.

- I will be back. Wait for me – he said in a whisper, the last bit almost sounding like a plea. I nodded and with that he rushed out the door just as quickly as he came in. I was standing there like a statue and felt tears running down my cheek which I wiped away quickly. Then Eve came in and she had an all-knowing smile. Me and her could understand each other without words. I did not have to tell her what happened, she already knew. She came up to me and hugged me.

- Everything will be fine.

* Three times

** Four times

*** Used to treat fits