Feels (Giraffage)
I sat on my bed, looking down at Beth's sweet face, and knew I would do anything for her. She needed stability, and I would be able to give her that pretty soon, but I knew it wouldn't be easy.
Getting Beth back and raising her was going to be the biggest challenge of my life, even more than learning how to walk again, but I was down.
"How did you find out?" I asked Noah as he scanned the letter that Shelby's mom had sent me.
He looked at me for a beat; then, his eyes returned to the paper.
"Santana called me and told me Shelby died; I wanted to be here when you found out. It took a few days to get approved for weekend leave, so I got on my bike and drove here as soon as possible. It looks like I was just in time, " he said, handing the paper back to me and then picking up the phone I had dropped. You should call her before you lose your nerve. Then maybe we can celebrate."
At that moment, my phone looked foreign. It was a cold, hard brick that would crash down the fragile glass house that I had reconstructed after nearly severing my spine.
My heart was racing, and the fact that I was naked but for the towel that I was clutching onto became apparent when I caught Noah staring at my chest.
Adrenaline was pumping through me, and a lesser version of myself would have allowed this moment to become something more, but having celebratory sex was the last thing I wanted to do.
"You never change. Stop leering at me. Seriously, it's not a turn-on." I said as I looked him over.
He shrugged and persisted with poking my bare arm with my phone.
"So what, you're hot. Call the woman." He smirked.
"I will." I said, taking the phone, pushing up off the bed, and side-stepping the glass. "I need to get dressed first. Talking to her naked seems a little too skeevy for my taste."
"She won't know."
"But you will, and I can't talk to her with you staring at me like that. Make yourself useful, take some of that energy and clean this glass up. There's a broom in the hall."
I started feeling better as I stepped into my closet and closed the door, hoping to pull myself together.
The darkness consumed me as I clutched my phone to my chest and let the towel fall around me. The tears followed swiftly; soon after, my knees met the combination of my towel and the harsh carpet.
I could hear Noah grumbling as he cleaned the glass and knew that he wouldn't bother me just yet.
Thankfully.
"Dear Father,
I know I asked you to give me a miscarriage all those years ago. I prayed that someone would take the baby away when my status was more important, and at one point, I prayed that Shelby would be a terrible mother and that she would give me my baby back.
Father, I am so grateful that you never answered any of my prayers. You kept the baby in my womb. You sent Shelby to me, and she cared for my little girl endlessly. I am so grateful for your all-knowing direction in my life. I've been humbled by it, and I know that if you deem it so and I can get her back, I will work to be everything she needs and honor the bond she had with her mother.
Thank you for everything you have done, are doing and will do as the constant in my corner.
Be with me, Lord. Turn not your face on me, and please remove all negative and overpowering influences in my life and replace them with those I need to make it through.
Watch over Merna and Father. Bless her for reaching out to me. Help me to say the right things and touch her heart, Lord. Keep Rachel in your perfect peace. She needs you more than she realizes.
Lastly, Lord, guide Shelby's soul home if it is your will.
In the name of your precious son,
Amen."
Dressed, feeling more at peace, and determinedly looking at Beth and Shelby's faces, I sat across from Noah and called the number that Merna had sent to me. Because he looked like a sad puppy, I put it on speakerphone.
I would need his support to get through this, after all.
"Hello? Who's this?!" Yelled a little voice, and my voice caught in my throat.
"Beth?" Noah mouthed, and I swallowed hard and nodded.
"Hi, may I please speak to Merna?"
"Meemaw is screening her calls. Who is this?"
"Quinn, Quinn Fabray."
"Quinn Quinn Fabray? Your parents must have really liked your name to give it to you two times."
Noah's eyes went wide, and I let out a laugh. Our daughter was funny.
"I guess so. Will Merna talk to me?"
"I dunno, hold a sec." She said excitedly before dropping the phone with a loud crash.
"Quinn?" An older version of Shelby's raspy voice answered after what felt like an eternity.
"Hi, Mrs. Ignacio. It's Quinn and Noah. He made his way to me the moment he found out about Shelby. I'm so sorry for your loss."
She hesitated, and I immediately felt foolish. She hadn't contacted Puck, just me.
"Yes, I know all about Noah Puckerman, including that nastiness he and my daughter were doing. Frankly, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Beth being around him."
I didn't dare look into his eyes after this woman seemed so hellbent on trashing him.
"Yeah, that was not his smartest decision. I can say that since then, he has become a true patriot, serving in our nation's Air Force." I said, knowing people like her (and my father) appreciated a soldier no matter what.
"Is that right?"
"Yes, ma'am." Noah cut in. "It was about time to get my life together and become someone my daughter could be proud of."
"Well, that's honorable. Thank you for your service." She said, her voice becoming sweeter.
"It's an honor to be of service, Ma'am." He said, a smile creeping on his face.
"Well then, a father in the service and a mother at Yale, I think Shelby would be very proud to place Bethie back with you two."
My face hurt from all my smiling, but I didn't care.
I had made someone proud of me, a stranger whose opinion somehow meant more to me than my father's approval.
"Thank you, Mrs. Ignacio."
"My son, he's a lawyer in Loredo, also an Airman, he's in the Reserves, has advised me to be very careful about this process and wanted to step in as Beth's guardian. He and his wife both have very serious jobs that pull them away at a moment's notice. Beth needs stability and support. There's no pressure from my end, but my heart is moving me to open up this opportunity for you, Quinn, in the same way you did for my daughter."
"Of course, thank you so much. I'll move mountains to give Beth what she needs." I said.
"Well then, let's hammer out a place for the three of us to meet, and from there, I will need to ease the idea into Beth's head. To my knowledge, she doesn't know she's adopted. This isn't easy. She's a willful and lively little girl. A bit of a control freak. From what I've heard, I imagine she gets that from Noah."
I bit my lip, holding back my laughter because I knew she was more like me than I could have imagined.
"I'm sure." Noah said and then winked at me. "Listen, Merna, as you can imagine, getting away from the base during these tough times is hard. I want every bit of involvement that I can offer, and I know that Quinn does, too, so we will work with your terms and however slow you want to take things. There will be times when Quinn might have to meet you alone, but please know that I am every bit as committed as she is."
"Of course. I understand that. Are you okay with that, Quinn?"
"Definitely."
"Well then, let's stop hemming and hawing and set up a meeting."
I'm sure it was my euphoria that led me to give in to Noah's leering.
The moment we had a plan to meet Merna, he leaned in and kissed me. Normally, I would stop him after a few seconds, but I allowed him to get to second base before I pushed him away.
"Hey!" He protested.
"Be happy you got to squeeze a boob."
He glared but then grinned and leaned in again.
I didn't stop him. Instead, we made out until my phone buzzed a few moments later.
When I saw a voice message, I pushed him away and stood from the bed.
Now that I was on the other side of my talk with Merna, the call with Santana was filtering back into my consciousness.
"Are you seriously going to leave me hanging, Q?" Noah asked as I prepared to listen to Santana's message.
"You smell sweaty. Take a shower, and I may consider letting you go all the way."
I had said it to get him out of my face, not thinking of just how horny he was.
All I cared about was hearing what Santana had to say.
Once Noah was out of my room, I played the message.
"Hey Q, I realized that Shelby's death is gossip to me but has greater implications for you. I know that all you're thinking about is your kid. I hope that you'll get to see her again. You are made to be her mother. I'm praying that is in the cards. I love you always. Call me if you need anything! I love you most, Q!"
Just when I thought my hopes couldn't get any higher, hearing Santana say those words kept the spark alive.
It was foolish, but Merna's call had proven that nothing is impossible.