Slow and Steady (Of Monsters and Men)
Merna was expecting to meet me in Lima the weekend after graduation so that I could give her the tour of where I grew up and she could meet mine and Puck's mothers.
So, as much as that insane part of me wanted to call Santana back, instead, I opted to call my mother.
When it was revealed that Russell was stepping out on my mother, she gave up drinking and cleaned up the life that she had left. That was before I broke her heart and told her that I was giving Beth up.
She held my hand through it and supported my decision, but I could see how much it hurt her.
When Beth was born, I'm pretty sure my mom held her longer than I did before we handed her off to Shelby.
It hurt her that I was giving up my baby, but she has always told me how proud she is of me for deciding to do what she never could.
By keeping my sister after her accidental pregnancy and giving into a shotgun wedding to my father, she had been thrust into a life she didn't want.
When Judy got pregnant with me, she savored it because she'd chosen to get pregnant that time around.
My father had been away for most of her pregnancy, so she was able to enjoy it in a way that was best for her. I knew I was her favorite, even if she didn't stand up for me when I needed her.
Thankfully, we'd moved past that ugly part of our history.
By forgiving my mother, I could forgive myself for giving up my daughter.
And now, as the walls feel like they're creeping in, closing in on me, seeing her face, so full of life, works like a much-needed sedative.
"Hi Lucy Lu, how are you? I booked my flight!" She says, her eyes shining and her smile bigger than I've ever seen.
"That's great, Mom. I can't wait to see you in the flesh; I miss you." I said. A pang of sadness hit me when I realized how much I actually meant that.
It wasn't just a pleasantry.
Her face immediately responded.
"Talk to me, sweetie. What's wrong?"
"Shelby's dead; her mom contacted me to set up a meeting. She wants to meet my family, Puck's family, and me. She might give me Beth back," I said, emptying my voice of emotion. I waited anxiously for her response.
She didn't disappoint.
"My God. I hadn't heard. I've been on a ladies' retreat for the last two weeks, so I'm not up on the town gossip. That's terrible; she was so young." She said, her mouth slightly hanging open as she reached toward the screen. "Do you know how it happened?"
"Car accident, I'm not sure if Beth was in the car, but she's with her grandmother in Texas and is safe."
"Thank God. I am so sorry that I can't be there to hold you right now. I know you must be feeling a lot of anxiety about what comes next."
"Oh, Mom, you have no idea. I uh...I was so out of it that...uh...Puck's here, well not at this moment, but we um..." I dropped my head when I felt the rush of tears come, and I knew just from the sound of her clicking her tongue that she knew what I wanted to say.
"Were you safe, at least?" She asked, making this conversation even harder to bear. I could only nod in response. "Do you need to go back on medicine? I know you worked hard to get off of it, but maybe for a little while, it will ease your need to control things...anxiety disorders don't just disappear."
I looked back at her when she trailed off, and my heart broke at the teary look in her eyes.
"I don't know. Most of that was postpartum. It's been years since I've gotten out of control. I've been so leveled."
"That's not what Vanessa says. The way she tells it, you've been storming around the house, picking on pledges and how you might dye your hair pink any day now," She said, looking through me as if she could read what I wasn't saying.
"Seriously? I will NOT be dying my hair before graduation. Trust me on that one. It's not my fault those pledges were weak!"
"Right. So, no pink hair?"
"Nope."
"Thank the Lord for small miracles."
"I can't believe you still talk to Vanessa. I brought her home for Thanksgiving one time two years ago. How are you this familiar?" I asked, rolling my eyes and glaring at my roommate's empty side of the room. I had half a mind to call her religious parents and tell them where she spent her nights for weeks at a time.
"Well, what do you expect? Those walls of yours are tough to infiltrate. I needed eyes on the ground."
"You sound like Noah now."
"Well, he is the father of my granddaughter."
"And so you've been talking to him too?"
"Yep, he stops in whenever he's in town. He's even come and done some of the manly things around the house."
"Ugh. Since when did you start caring so much?" I grumbled, giving her my fiercest look, but she just smiled at me some more.
"Since you came out of me, Lucy Lu. Since leaving your father, I've done the work to make sure that I started showing you a better example of what love is. I don't always get it right, but I hope it helps you to know you have my support. I think you're the best thing for Beth right now."
"You do?"
"Of course. Can I give you a suggestion that I think would be in your best interest without you overthinking it?"
"What's the suggestion?"
"I think it would be good for you to talk to a professional just so you can healthily do this."
"Ugh, not responding to that. I think I have things in hand, Mother!"
"Just think about it. Even if you wait until you get home, I know how much you trust Maribel and that she'd do anything to help you. She's a psychiatrist. She could be a great help to you."
"Right. Will you be okay with meeting Merna?" I said, changing the subject, and like a true Fabray, she rolled with it.
"I will talk to Noah's mother, and we can have dinner here at the house. Let her get all of her questions out at once. I'm so excited to have a dinner party. Does she need to meet your father?" Her smile left her face, and her bitch face appeared.
"No. The less Father is involved, the better."
"Good! That's a relief!"
"Thanks, Mom."
"Anything for you and my granddaughter...so tell me about her."
It's amazing how, five years ago, any talk with my mom was laden with secrecy and veiled comments, but now, after just an hour of talking to her, I feel more resolved and calm.
She's right. Maybe I need to talk to a professional, especially if I want to be serious about having my daughter in my life more permanently.
As I ended the call with my mom, there was a knock at the door. I had locked the door after Noah's sudden arrival last night and had hoped to escape to the library without seeing him.
So I rearranged my schoolbag and ignored the continuous knocking.
My nerves were already frayed, and dealing with him was the last thing I needed, so I decided to make him wait it out, hoping he'd give up.
I pulled my phone off the charger and saw just how many missed calls and messages I had from Santana.
I opened the messages and scrolled through them until I got to the last one.
I'm here. Open the door.-S
So much for my resolve.
I opened the door with wild palpitations so strong that I was convinced my heart would break from my chest. I gripped the strap of my schoolbag and felt my heart plummet when Puck looked back at me with glassy eyes, his bag over his shoulder, and no Santana in sight.
"I got the call. I ship out in four weeks. I'll be able to be there for Merna's visit and your graduation...I think." He said, looking more disappointed than happy about something I knew he wished for before Merna contacted me.
Still feeling like this was some cosmic joke, I peeked past him to see if she was going to spring out from behind him, but then a vibration in my hand had me looking at my phone screen.
Shit, sorry, Q. I meant to send that to Britt.-S
"Of course," I muttered before shifting focus back to Noah Puckerman while shoving down the feelings of desertion and disappointment. "When do you need to leave?" I sighed, frustrated at myself for getting my hopes up that she'd come.
"I need to be back in DC by morning roll call. I need to sign paperwork and find out how long I get in break time and where I need to ship from."
"So you have to leave now, as in tonight?"
"Yeah, but I...I want you to think about making us a permanent thing, Q. We both know that Santana is no option anymore and for me, there's no one else I would rather be with and provide for than you and our daughter."
"How noble of you."
"I mean it, Quinn."
"Look, I get what you're saying, but I'd rather start my life alone right now. It's what I've always done. I want to focus on graduation and deciding where I will live and work. Right now, marrying you and tying myself down to someone who's shipping out for God knows how long doesn't seem like such a stable thing. I can't build my life on sand, Noah. I need a firm foundation. One that I have control over." I said, leaning against my doorjamb and watching as he stood there, his fists now balled up in his pockets as he stared at me, looking like a pathetic specimen.
"But-" I cut him off.
"I'm not sure I'm ready to plan the rest of my life beyond this summer and getting Beth back. I need you to respect that."
"And I do."
"Are you sure?" I asked, keeping my back straight and my cold facade steady. Then he pulled a Fabray on me, changing the subject with ease.
"So you plan to go back to Lima for the summer?"
"While I'm sorting out my job and school offers, yes. Mom is flying back with me after graduation, and then I'll figure out where I go from there."
"Okay. I'll give you your space, but can you at least promise me that you'll think about it."
My heart was tattered and barely hanging on, but this was not the time to break apart. I needed to give him something, even if it was just hope, because, at the end of the day, when my world fell at my feet, it was Noah who always gave me some hope back.
"I promise that I'll think about it."
The light in his eyes from the smile on his lips told me I did the right thing. For once, my demeanor didn't hinder my ability to read an emotional situation. I felt the tears coming, but I wasn't going to let them win.
I reached out to him and pulled him close, hoping to God that his touch would keep me together just a little longer.
The starch of his jacket scratched at my face, but I didn't let go of him, not just yet, not while the tears threatened to take over.
"I love you, Q." His voice shook me. I knew he was close to crying, but just like after we gave Beth to Shelby, we held back our tears and relied on each other for comfort.
"Me too." I whispered, and he squeezed me tighter, holding me together for as long as I'd let him.
Once Noah was gone, the desire to go to the library diminished. I wanted to curl up in my bed and wallow instead, but I couldn't. The outside world needed to wait.
I couldn't focus on Santana or Puck. Frankly, I couldn't even think about Merna because none of them would get me through my finals.
So, with a shaky facade in place, I blocked Santana and Brittany's phone numbers, put my phone on Do Not Disturb and shoved it to the bottom of my bag, knowing that if I blocked them, I wouldn't go searching for their messages.
I headed to Bass, the quietest library on campus, feeling grateful that Asha had the foresight to reserve three rooms for those of us who were seeking extra study time.
I never really had to rely on needing a study space cut off from the world until that moment because of the distractions of Noah, Santana and even Merna. I had lost almost two days of study prep.
Despite my cool exterior, the entire walk was full of trepidation and anxiety about everything I was trying to ignore but couldn't seem to, not entirely.
"Three weeks...just make it three weeks. Please, God, just get me to graduation, and then I'll deal with the rest. Please?" I begged as I made my way into the library.
Once, I had a jumbo-sized coffee and was sitting with my sisters, who were all absorbed in their studies; I finally let go of the bullshit and focused.
I made it three years. Three weeks should be a breeze.