Holding On For Life (Ellie Goulding)

My first meeting with Merna, directly after my flight home, had been mostly uneventful. It was evening, but she had insisted on meeting me at home since she'd hired a driver from the airport. It had thrown me for a loop because the snooty cars were something I was convinced I had left in New Haven. Of course, she was trying to make a good impression and had told me as much.

Shelby had been the spitting image of her mother, and most of the ride was spent with me mindlessly nodding along to what she said and stuck in awe of how much she looked like her daughter, which really shouldn't have surprised me since I had seen how much Rachel had taken after Shelby.

"You know, you shouldn't be shocked. Beth looks just like you, too." She had said with a sly grin.

The idea that my daughter looked so much like me gave me pause. How could I think that she wouldn't remember me? It took me back to something Santana had said to me during my depression after giving up Beth.

"You know, Q, all she has to do is look in the mirror to remember your face. That little girl will always know a part of you, even if you aren't there."

I spent the rest of my time with her, smiling like a lunatic, I'm sure.

My back was aching but I had insisted on sitting through a solo meal with her at Breadstix.

It was the first time that I saw Santana and Brittany as a married couple since my graduation.

And that's when I remembered they did date night on Fridays.

Merna had excused herself to use the restroom when I heard B whisper my name.

"Hey Quinnie, Is she your sugar mama?" Britt asked me from two tables over.

Santana was biting her lip and purposefully looking away from me.

"No. That's Shelby's mom." I said back.

"Oh. Are you hooking up with her because Puck screwed Shelby?" No sooner had Britt uttered that question than she groaned in pain. "Ow! Don't kick me, San."

"You're being rude. Remember how we discussed that some thoughts are inside thoughts only? Now is one of those times!" San hissed.

Britt had the presence of mind to look embarrassed. "Right. Sorry, Quinn. Enjoy your date."

"Not a date." I corrected.

As Merna scooted into the booth, San muttered a quick apology. "Sorry, Q."

"Do you know them?" Merna asked.

"Yes. We went to high school together."

"Oh yeah? Were they a part of that singing group, too?"

"Yes."

"Invite them to eat with us."

"Are you sure?"

"I am."

"Okay. One sec."

I shuffled to their table with my back to Merna.

"Listen here, Merna is Shelby's mom. She's not my date. It's up to her if I get Beth back, so when I invite you to our table, you'll go over and only say nice things about me and nice things about Shelby."

Britt looked at San in shock.

"Did you know about this?"

San shrugged. "Not the details." Then she looked at me. "I'll tell her whatever you want, given that of the three of us, I spent the most time with Shelby."

"You did?" Britt and I said in unison.

"The Troubletones, duh!"

To my great surprise, San and Britt sat across from Merna and talked about our competitions without saying a bad thing.

San even pulled out pictures of the Troubletones, which made Merna tear up. "Thank you for showing me those."

"Your daughter was a great mentor. Quinn picked the best mom for Beth. I'm really sorry that Shelby isn't here anymore." San said.

Britt's phone chimed just as Santana got choked up, when B whispered to San she got stiff and they made their apologies before leaving us at the table.

I found it odd but didn't pay it any mind.

Merna was happy, that's all that mattered.

So far, so good.

Unfortunately, the good times didn't last because later that night, I got a call from Santana.

"Hey, I can't talk long. Britt's starting to ask questions about my teeth and my visit to you. She said that she could sense something between us."

"So?"

"I just wanted to give you a heads up just in case you run into her."

"There's nothing to tell her."

"I'm not so sure about that, Q."

"Well, I am. Look, it was great that you two spoke so highly of me, but maybe we should do our best to keep our distance."

"You don't think I'm trying? I made you a promise, but Britt's feeling nostalgic. I barely looked at you tonight and she was still suspicious."

"I don't give a flying fuck, S. There is nothing between us. It's best for everyone if you focus on your marriage while I focus on my future."

"Why'd you phrase it like that?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"You don't think my marriage is my future? You don't think it's going to last?"

"If I was a betting woman…" I trailed off.

"Then why did I make a promise to you?"

"Because you made vows."

"Who are you talking to, Baby?" Britt's voice came through loud and clear.

"Talking to Q."

"Oh, yay! Can I talk?"

"No, Santana." I grumbled, but I already knew that what Britt wants, she gets.

"Hi, Quinnie!"

"Hi, B."

"Are you coming over?"

"No, I was actually about to get in bed."

"Oh, but it's summer, and it's still light out."

"I have an early morning." I yawned for full effect.

"Okay then, sleep tight. I hope we can hang out soon!"

"Me too, B." I lied.

She didn't give the phone back to San. Instead, she ended the call.

My head ached, so I took three pills instead of two, thus began my spiral just one day after being home.

I could not spend the summer like this, so I planned to get Sue to handle it.

We'd start running together in the morning, and she'd understand more than anyone why I needed space from Britt and San.

A few days later, I had gotten on a routine with pills, physical therapy, and morning runs with Sue.

The moment I told her about San coming onto me at Yale and then the weird call from the other night, she promised she'd handle it.

Never did I think she'd act so swiftly.

The sun was shining bright as I jogged the track with Sue Sylvester.

Being back in Lima as an adult was so strange and isolating, but being on that track with Sue made me feel tethered to reality.

She kept me honest and focused.

"So, one week back home. You seem to be holding up. How are you feeling, Q?"

"Surreal. I busted my ass to get out of Yale early, and now, I'm missing it like crazy."

"It will pass." She says, seeming way more interested than I thought she'd be. I took short breaths and tried my best to keep up with her.

"The training has helped me, though, so thank you."

"You can thank me by sticking to your goals, and that goes for everything."

"Yes, coach."

After an hour-long conversation with Sue that was way more enjoyable than a fifteen-year-old me could have ever imagined, I finally said, "Thank you for taking them off my hands for a while."

"I'm surprised that she and Brittany went so willingly. I mean, not a single question about ulterior motives. I thought I taught you girls better than that." She slowed down to a trot.

"I imagine Santana was trying to fulfill her promise to me." My heart was racing as we began to walk the rest of the way.

"Hm. So Santana's decided to be faithful, then?"

"For now."

"By the time she and Brittany are back, you should be on your way to medical school with your little girl by your side. Hopefully, that will help you draw the line with Santana."

"I hope so, although I'm considering a gap year."

"For Beth?" She asked, her hard features turning soft at the mention of my daughter.

"Absolutely."

"There's nothing wrong with that. There are many ways up the mountain. Keep that focus, Q. I'm proud of what you've done so far."

"I'm doing my best."

"Good. Sometimes, that's all we can do." She patted my shoulder as we came to a stop at the entrance to the field. The moment was charged with many things I wanted to say, but I felt way too much.

"Thanks, coach. I should head to the Lima Bean. If I'm late for lunch, Rachel won't let me live it down."

"Same time tomorrow?"

"I have PT in the morning, then lunch with my mother and Merna, so how about a night run?"

"Sounds good, Becky is having a sleepover with Robin tomorrow, so I'll meet you here."

"See ya, coach."

After my run with Sue, I headed to the hospital.

Antonio had been paying me to upload the files in his office.

He knew how badly I wanted to go to medical school and how much I missed being around Santana. He never mentioned her, but once I started working in his office a few hours a week, he changed out Santana's wedding photo with one of the San and me.

"Still don't like Brittany?" I boldly asked him that afternoon.

"We have an unspoken agreement to not discuss my daughter and her wife."

"Right, but you can tell me, Dr. Lopez. I know she kicked your dog."

"I knew it! Santana refuses to believe it."

"I saw Britt do it. In her defense, it was an accident. It was the lying about it that was on purpose."

"Now you see, I'm not sure it was an accident."

"We walked into the house, he was about to get out, and she kicked her foot out to block him. He hit the wall. She freaked out and swore me to secrecy."

"Why are you telling me now?"

"You don't even have the dog anymore. Why does it matter? Brittany got the girl." I sighed.

I'd never confirmed my feelings for Santana to her father, but he stopped typing and looked at me slack-jawed.

"Wait, you and my daughter? I thought that was a rumor."

"Nope. I missed my shot with Santana."

"Ugh. Way to drop the ball, Fabray. Now I'm stuck with the perky dog kicker."

After that, the solo wedding photo was changed.

I spent most of my day staring at that photo, then I went home and rubbed one out, thinking about our night in the hotel room.

As I got up to wash my hands, I tweaked something in my back and took three pills with a shot of whiskey to numb the pain.

Dumb move.

I woke up with my entire body on fire; blinking seemed way too arduous, but I knew it wouldn't last long. I reached into my pajama pant pocket and pulled out two pills, not even bothering to wipe the salt from my eyes as I pushed them into my mouth and began to chew on them.

The bitter, acidic chalkiness made bile rise, but I swallowed it down and waited for the sweet release of the painkillers before moving another muscle.

Three intense years of pre-med have made me very knowledgeable of the effects of the pills taking hold of my system. I can see the signs of addiction, and I know I must stop now. While I still can.

That's why I'm in PT; that's why I reached out to Sue to get me back in shape, but I know that I have to do more. The gap year, if I choose to take it, will be for Beth and me because if things keep going this way, I will need to rehab myself in more ways than one.

"Lucy Lu? You awake?" A voice sneaks past my whirling thoughts, followed by a light from the hallway, cutting into the darkness of my early morning haze.

"Yeah?"

"Your PT called; he's running late today. Wanted to know if he could move your appointment another hour?"

"Yeah. That's fine."

Even though my eyes were still fuzzy, I could see my mother's concern, which sent alarm bells off in my chest. My heart began racing as paranoia and panic took hold.

"Are you alright?" She said, easing the door open more and coming over to my bed. I closed my eyes and tried to swallow the impending panic attack. They were more frequent these days, and I hated myself for it. It was a weakness, and I wanted to not feel like a misfit toy so badly.

"Tired." I whispered. My chest felt tight, but my breathing started slowing down.

She sat on the edge of the bed, and I bit my lip nearly through to keep from yelping. The pain hadn't dissolved yet, or was my tolerance higher? I needed help.

"What do you need?" She said, pressing her cool palm to my face. "You're burning up. We need to get you to a doctor."

"No. Please?" I squeaked, not wanting them to see high traces of a medicine I wasn't even prescribed in my bloodstream.

"How about I call Maribel and then see if Antonio is home?"

"Mom, that's even worse." I said, my eyes feeling wide enough to show my alarm.

"Santana isn't even home. You can't still be hung up on her."

"If something is wrong, he will tell her, and she will come straight home. Look, if I'm still bad when it's time for PT, then I'll go to the doctor. Okay?"

"Fine."

One hour, one more pill, and a shower later, I could have somersaulted from the top of a pyramid. Mother, of course, still seemed concerned and kept waiting for me to fall on the floor as I strolled out of the house, feeling like I was on cloud 99.

"You aren't driving, are you?" She asked from the doorway as I walked down the path towards the driveway.

"I sure am. I already called Dan and told him that I would meet him. There was no need to waste time picking me up. I feel okay. Seriously."

I stumbled on a rock before I could even finish my sentence. I caught myself before I fell on my face, but it was enough to make me wince. I could feel it, and I could feel her watching me.

"I'm driving. No arguments." She said, reaching into the house for her keys before slamming the door behind her. "I don't know what you're taking or how much, but we aren't going down this road again, Lucy. I'm serious."

We got into the car, her much faster than me. I held the door open and made to climb in, and I could hear her huffing and puffing. I dropped into the seat with another twinge of pain but did my best to ignore it.

"So, I dabbled with too many pills way back when I was trying to walk again, but that doesn't mean I've got a problem, Mother." I sighed as I adjusted the passenger seat in her car. I knew there was no changing her mind, and with the pain starting to nudge its way back into my consciousness, I knew that I was more grateful for her deciding to drive than I was letting on.

"I don't want to take any chances. You are so close to so many blessings. I'm not going to let you screw them up over Santana or anything else that might be slowing you down. I won't lose you, Quinn. I'm serious."

"I know you are. I have it under control."

"That's what an addict would say." She muttered.

"Mother, please? Do you think that I would jeopardize my future for some stupid pills? Do you think I want to sacrifice Beth again?"

She buckled herself into the driver's seat and tried her best to put on a happy face. My eyes were filling with tears because I knew the conversation was coming. I knew tears would be shed, and if my mother didn't think I could handle any of this, she wouldn't hesitate to stop me from getting Beth back and dragging me to Carol and Burt's house so they could lecture me about how precious my life is. I wouldn't go through that, and I wouldn't put them through that either.

Finn didn't just die in his sleep the way they have been saying...those of us who were close to him knew the truth; it was painful, and I wouldn't put anyone through that.

If I was already showing signs of something greater, I had to nip it in the bud. Sooner rather than later.

There was way too much to lose.