My Little Girl (Jack Johnson)
Maribel insisted that I follow my routine as part of my recovery, so after spending all the time I could with Beth before she left for the hospital, I washed the dishes and then got ready for physical therapy.
After PT, I'd be putting in a few hours in Antonio's office.
Of course, that all felt impossible now that Beth was close by.
I spent the whole morning worried about Beth and how losing two people in her life so close together would affect her mental health.
I had to be the best version of myself for her.
Everything that I did needed to be for her. I had to put aside some of my selfish ways and focus on being everything she needed.
Having Beth in my life felt like a dream that I didn't want to wake up from, and I wouldn't waste it.
"How are you feeling?"
I had just gotten back from PT and was aching all over in places I'm convinced I only use when stretching them out.
Maribel picked me up and handed me a cup of coffee as I finished buckling into her car. Her soft smile and sparkle in her eyes meant she was holding something back.
"Achy but good. I only have a little pain today. I'm finally getting back on track.
"That's great to hear." She said as she began to drive in the opposite direction of her house.
"Where are we going?"
"The hospital, Vincent called while I was waiting for you, Merna isn't going to make it, and I figured you would want to be there for Beth."
Sadness filled me, but more so for Beth than anything else. These were two big blows for my daughter in less than six months. It is way more than a four-year-old should have to bear.
"Yeah, of course." I said, sipping from my coffee as I stared at the dark asphalt in front of the car. "I don't even know what to do. Sensitivity...you know, it's never really been my strong suit."
"Maybe with people you don't love, but I don't think it will be hard when it comes to your little girl. Our children exist on a different level than even our parents and siblings. You'll see."
I stood there like a zombie, fist balled up, ready to knock, but I was stuck and feeling stupid. Maribel had gone off to find Antonio and promised to meet up with me in a little while, but I wished that she had at least persuaded me to knock before she left.
And then I heard it, and that feeling Maribel was talking about came over me. Beth whimpered, and then I could hear a choking sob. It was tiny and reminded me of a wounded bird.
I didn't bother knocking. I pushed open the door and stood still, seeing Beth thrown across Merna's body. The monitors were already off, including her heart monitor. She was already gone.
"I'm here. I'm here." Beth whimpered. My chest clenched, and I took a few more steps forward until I was just behind Vincent's chair. He had his head in his hands, and his shoulders shook as he cried soundlessly.
I placed a hand on his shoulder, and he got stiff.
"It's me. I didn't want you guys to be alone." I said, rubbing his shoulder, and he nodded without a word.
"Quinn Quinn?" Beth's small voice called out to me. I looked over, and her big green eyes looked impossibly larger with all the tears in them. "She's in heaven."
I could tell she was trying to stop crying, but then she would look at the stiff body she was lying on and start up again.
My hand slipped from Vincent's shoulder down to my side and hung there clenched, wanting nothing more than to scoop Beth up and hold her as she cried, but I knew that the last thing I should do was take her away from Merna just yet.
No, I needed to be present for both Vincent and Beth, with no ulterior motives. I looked at Merna, a woman I hadn't spent a lot of time with but who had reached out to me. She had sought me out, feeling that I was important enough to be given a chance.
She trusted me and had come to Lima to be near me without knowing that she would never go back home. I pushed down the rising guilt; it had no place here, and I was pretty sure that Merna wouldn't appreciate it.
None of them would.
I walked forward and placed a hand on Merna's lukewarm one. Her body would be ice cold soon enough, but for now, the room kept her warm enough to almost feel alive, but I knew better. I put my other hand on Beth's back and rubbed gently.
"I'm so glad you were here with her, Beth."
She looked up at me, her cries a little quieter, and she nodded.
"Me too."
Maribel was right. My love for Beth had no limit. I'd do anything for my little girl.
I partially expected Beth to put up a fight when they wheeled Merna away, but she moved out of the way and stood in the corner of the room and watched.
Beth's eyes were dry, but the hurt was all over her face. Vincent, too, seemed to push the pain away as he stood with a doctor near the door and talked through extraditing the body to Texas.
I was reminded that before long, he would be taking Beth away from me to Texas with him, and maybe I wouldn't see her again, and somehow, that felt even worse than when I sat in this very hospital and gave her away.
It was then that I felt the warm tears sliding down my face. I turned towards the window and wiped my tears away with my sleeve. I did my best to swallow back the need to wrap Beth in my arms and run away.
"Are you crying?" A small voice, embedded in my soul at this point, said from beside me. I looked down to see Beth sliding her hand into mine. At her touch, a wholeness filled me and then broke wide open.
I wouldn't let this be the last time we were together. I couldn't see my life returning to the way it was, with me against the world, me against life. I didn't want to. Nothing was more important to me than being in Beth's life, even if it was partially. While not everything, it was way more than I had up to this point.
"I'm okay. It's just a sad day." I admitted. She squeezed my hand, and a sob finally broke from my lips.
"Quinn, Quinn?"
I looked down, and just like that morning, Beth was crooking her finger at me, so I leaned down and was rewarded with Beth's arms around my neck. I wrapped my arms around her and stood up.
She wrapped her arms tighter and buried her face against my neck.
The feeling of holding my daughter for the first time since she was born, the time I attempted to kidnap her aside, it was like every void inside me was filled.
I rocked her and stared out the window, imagining a new life for us. A life that I needed to have, one that would save us both from ever having to feel so much sadness.
"Better?" She whispered, sitting up in my arms and looking into my eyes.
"A little. How about you?"
She nodded, tears still in her eyes and then put her face back against my neck and mumbled.
"A little." She replied, her tears soaking my neck, but there was no way I could complain.
Here I was, the world at my feet with an addiction just barely avoided and unrequited love in my heart, but none of that mattered because I was holding my little girl, and she was holding me right back!
"I want you to know I'm not going to go back on this custody thing. My mother's last mission was to reconnect the two of you, and I will not let that be in vain."
My spine stiffened as his words permeated the fog of doubt clouding my brain. Beth's body was warm and soothing, pressed against mine as I rocked her from side to side.
She was quickly becoming my anchor, and while I knew that becoming more attached to her was dangerous while the custody issue still lingered, I couldn't help myself.
I turned from the window and saw Vincent standing there, his suit jacket thrown over his arm as he looked at me.
"I'm going to do my best not to get my hopes too high because it's really hard for me to give in to the idea that you are willing to let her go so easily."
He looked at Beth and smiled.
"You know from experience that giving up Beth is never easy. That kid is my godchild, my niece, my little Bunny. I love her from the depths of my heart. This won't be easy for me, but I want to do what's best for her."
"I agree."
"So you understand that it's impossible for me to let her go fully without some sort of compromise."
"Compromise?"
Shelby had used the same wording when she was dangling Beth in front of me, and it had made me lose my mind.
A weight sunk into the pit of my stomach. I sunk into a chair and cradled my daughter even closer as I looked up at Vincent, who still seemed sincere. He still seemed genuine, and that's when it hit me.
His charm reminded me of Russell, and that idea alone wiped all traces of attraction away. Hopefully, though, he was different. I was counting on it.
"What kind of compromise?" I asked, my eyebrow-raising despite my efforts to keep my face neutral.
"Summers and alternating holidays, you can have Christmas, and we can do Hannukah unless they overlap and we'll just split that time. I'm willing to have partial custody and give you physical and legal. This would mean that she'd be all yours for the majority of the year."
"What about her birthday? It falls in June, which is summer time, if I agree to this, what will that mean?"
"Early June, so her birthday falls in the spring. I'd take Beth from July 1 to August 31. You'd have some time to breathe, and I'd be able to take on the responsibility of ensuring she doesn't forget my mother and Shelby."
I thought about the possibility of sharing custody, about how Santana had done it for most of her childhood until her parents reconciled. I knew that it was doable, and while it must have been hard for Maribel, it seemed that she hadn't lost any of her bond with Santana.
"Would you be willing to put it in writing?"
"Does that mean you would be willing to give up your summers with Beth?"
"Vincent, for the last four-plus years, I have had to celebrate holidays and birthdays without her in my life. Right now, just holding her is more than I ever expected. So I am more than willing to sacrifice two months if I get to have her with me permanently."
"There are some things that have to happen behind the scenes for this to be binding, but the fact that my mother saw fit to change her Will not too long ago, essentially giving you custody if I stepped aside, this won't be too difficult."
"So what happens next?"
"Well, I say we file the paperwork to get the ball rolling as soon as possible. I need to head to Texas tomorrow morning."
"With Beth?"
"Hmm?" I barely heard the sound, but Vincent did as he looked down at his niece. He crouched in front of us and brushed his hand over her hair.
"Hey, Bunny. Do you need anything?" He asked her softly.
"Meemaw." She whispered, craning her neck towards where Merna's bed had been.
Vincent dropped his head and took a deep breath before looking into the sad green eyes that were beginning to tear up as she remembered that it wasn't a dream.
Beth turned from Vincent and looked up at me, her eyes wet and her lip quivering.
"She's in heaven." She assured herself and then repeated. "She's in heaven?"
"Definitely." I said, not bothering to smile. This was serious for her, and I didn't want to take the chance of her thinking that I was humoring her, and as hard as it was, I confirmed more for her benefit than my own. "With your Mama."
Beth laid her head on my shoulder again, and I rubbed her back as her tears soaked my shirt and neck. I bounced my knee gently and hummed to her until her shaky breaths calmed down.
She was spent, and I wanted nothing more than to relieve her of that, but I had no idea how I could. I felt helpless, but I couldn't show it.
This wasn't about me, Vincent, or custody; it was about Beth getting through another loss in her life without losing a piece of herself, and I would do everything in my power to help her.
Vincent stood up from his haunches and looked down at us with questioning eyes. I could tell he was trying to figure things out and wanted what was best for everyone. I was putting my faith in him that he was as good as Merna believed.
"If you aren't doing anything, would you mind coming to Texas for a while? Help Beth get used to the idea of coming back with you? Get some custody things figured out?"
"Really?" I asked, feeling a fire burn brighter inside me as I held my daughter tight.
"Absolutely. I know it's your summer off, but it would be a great help. My wife and I both work full time, so Beth would be stuck with one of my bratty nieces from my wife's family. I'm not sure I'd want to put Beth through that, so really, you'd be doing all of us a favor."
"Okay. I would love to."
"So, just like that, you're going to Texas?"
"Yes, Mother. Vincent asked me to come. I didn't invite myself if that's what you're thinking." I huffed as I continued throwing things in my bag.
"How long will you be there?"
"Not sure."
"That means you'll get to spend her birthday with her, right?"
I paused and looked at her and tried to tamp down my excitement, which was more of a bad habit than anything else.
"I will." I said, looking at my mother with a grin that I couldn't even hide if I tried to.
"That's so great, my love. I hope this will be the thing that pushes you forward towards a new plan for your life. Past anxiety and the occasional addictive binge."
And just like that, the grin vanished as she sat her heavy hopes on my shoulders.
I took a deep breath.
A second chance at motherhood was all that I had wanted for years, and now that it was here, I couldn't let anything scare me again.
No mother was perfect, but for Beth, I would do my best.
I'd lay my life on the line for my little girl, no questions asked.