On My Mind (Ellie Goulding)

Way back in high school, when the glee club saw Rachel off at the train station, I had spent the morning in Santana's bedroom drawing her for extra credit. That was the first time I had ever acknowledged how much I was attracted to her.

It was also the first time I even allowed the thought to exist in the daylight, but in my mind, it was always supposed to be Santana and Brittany at the end of the day.

Even when I finally had her to myself, and she was moaning my name, her moans song-like as I brought her to release as if it wasn't my first time with another woman.

Even then, I knew that I was a placeholder and that no matter what, she would always be Brittany's, and I think, no, I am certain that Brittany rests her laurels on that fact. I threatened her because she was starting to see what I now understand.

Now that they aren't in a small fish bowl, Santana's eyes are opening to the world beyond Lima, the world beyond Brittany, and it scares her.

I was up incredibly early, and despite my nighttime escapades, I was alert. My first temptation was to call Santana and ask her if she remembered that day in her bedroom.

I wanted to know if it was true that she could be over Brittany, but I knew that it would be fruitless. I couldn't insert myself between them any more than I already had.

I needed to be the one Santana ran to once Brittany finally fucked up enough for everyone to see her for the devious and petty child she was. It was only a matter of time before she pushed Santana past the point of no return; I saw evidence of that last night.

So I will bide my time. Let Santana come to me, eyes open and hands untied, but in the meantime, I need to ensure that my house is together.

Number one on my list...Beth.

I am a woman of faith. I trust God more than I probably should, given all of my stumbling through life. It's my ability to get back up and keep pushing forward that reminds me of who I serve at the end of the day.

And so, when I got out of my early morning shower, and the sun barely rose in the sky, I was beyond grateful that I was prepared for the phone call that would begin to unravel all the bitterness that I had built up from the moment that I handed Beth over to Shelby.

"Hello?" I answered, putting the phone on speaker while I got dressed for my day.

"Quinn? It's Vincent. Did I wake you?"

"Nope, I'm a bit of an early riser."

"Well, that worked in my favor then."

" Aren't you supposed to be on your plane? It's almost seven."

"Something came up. I know this is a big question, but I wouldn't ask if I didn't think you were game. I must fly to Spring to close out some things at my mother's house. Would you mind flying with Beth this morning? A flight out of Indiana at ten has seats available."

"That would be fine. I just need to know where to go once we get there."

"My wife will meet you at the airport and take you gals shopping and to dinner. She's a hostess before anything else, so she'll love having some new blood around. Plus, she and Beth get along great. How does that sound? Can I go ahead and change your ticket?"

"Yes."

"Great. Thanks so much. Beth will be incredibly excited that she gets to fly with you."

"I hope so."

"No worries. Shelby has been telling her about you all her life. Do you know she has a picture of you in her room?"

"Um...no."

"Well, she does. So don't you worry for a second because that little girl loves you, Quinn. My sister made sure of it."

"Wow." I whispered, suddenly feeling breathless at the thought. I had convinced myself that I had failed Beth and quit on her before I saw her perfect little face, but it seemed that Shelby saw things differently. Thankfully.

I packed my purse with two coloring books, a box of crayons, gum, and two of my favorite Dr. Seuss books. I wanted to have as much fun with Beth as possible. I wanted to impress her.

After rechecking my bags twice more, I paced my bedroom endlessly before finally giving in and opening up FaceTime without even bothering to see what time it was in Japan.

The screen came up, and I fixed my hair in it before the call connected, wanting to look my best but also because that's what I do when I'm love-struck. I get weird.

"Hey Q!" Santana said cheerfully, her lips stained red as she smirked.

I looked at her background and could see that it was nighttime.

"Hey. Is it the same day as the last time we talked?'

"For me, it is. You called me in the afternoon earlier, and now I'm sitting in bed with some pizza and a glass of wine."

"Show me." I said, feeling so thrown by the time difference. She turned the phone, and I could see her hotel room and then the mirror that showed her sitting in a bed draped in a giant Yale shirt. "Where did you get that shirt?"

"That night I slept on the couch, that smoking hot Indian chick gave it to me."

"Asha." I said and grinned. "You look good in it." She took a sip of wine and then winked at me.

"So did Asha. She was wearing it and then took it off right in front of me."

I could feel a spark of jealousy as my nostrils flared.

"Are you jealous? Is it because of me or her?"

"Who knows, I've been with both of you."

"Oh, Q, you naughty girl. If you keep nailing hot people with melanin, I'm going to think you have a fetish."

"It's not a fetish. It's a preference for anyone who doesn't look like they could be in my family tree."

"Was she good?"

"Yes. Top 5 easily."

"Haven't you only been with like six people?"

"Um…I've never counted. Let me see." I mumbled to myself as I counted, "You were close, I've been with seven people."

"Whoa, look at you, the town bike." She joked, and I rolled my eyes. "So, did you two date?"

"No, it wasn't serious with her…or you."

"Hmmm, sure, that's your story, you stick to it. So, how are you today?"

"Better. I had some water and aspirin before bed, so I woke up alert and bright-eyed."

"Ugh...I can never become a morning person like you. I still don't know how you do it."

"Me either, sometimes."

"So, are you excited about your trip?"

"Yeah, plans changed a bit, and I get to fly there with Beth. Just me and her."

Her eyes widened, and she smiled, giving me a thumbs up. "She's going to love it."

"How do you know?"

"Um, why wouldn't she. You said she was awesome, didn't you?"

"I did."

"Well, then it will be great. Stop psyching yourself out."

"I'm not."

"You ALWAYS do that, even in bed."

"What?" I stared at her in disbelief.

"That night, you kept asking me, over and over again, if this was okay and was that thing okay. Like you needed my approval the whole time, it was very distracting."

"You survived and, from what I can tell, would have come back for more if you had your way."

"Is that an offer?" She waggled her eyebrows and grinned.

"You know it isn't. So, how did the shoot go?"

She rolled her eyes but went along with my change in subject. "Weird. I was mostly naked. They said they would cover my tattoos so my mom wouldn't see them, but who knows how long I can keep that up."

"How on Earth have you hidden that big cross on your back for this long?"

"Make-up and cover-ups."

"Yeah, she has to know."

"If she does, she's never said anything."

"Hmm...I'm going to ask her."

"No! Don't you fucking dare!"

"Yup. I'll ask her if she knows about your...what...six tattoos?"

"Eight, and you can tell my mother only if I get to ask Judy what she thinks of your tattoo."

"What? I don't have a tattoo."

"Oh, Yeah? I remember some Greek letters that you shaved a part of your head to get done..."

"What? How?" I asked, shocked...the tattoo was something done on initiation night and was supposed to be a secret between the sisters.

"Let's just say that when I had my face against your neck...and yanked at your hair...and also when you put it down between my legs." She smirked, and I could feel my entire face fill with fire.

"No way." I said, looking at her seriously.

"Yep. Come on...prove me wrong. It's under the hair just above your left ear."

My hand subconsciously traveled to where the small letters hid underneath my hair.

"San-" I started to say, but she cut me off.

"Ha! I knew it! And you know what else...I asked Puck if he had seen them, and he confirmed it!"

"You did what?"

"Oh, you didn't think I would compare notes with Sam and Puck?"

"Wait with Sam, too?"

"Well, Trouty gave up the tapes without much pressure. I'm sure if I asked him about Britt..." Pain flashed across her face, but she cleared her throat and continued. "Let's just say that Sam is a guy who kisses and tells."

"Well, I'm not, I don't appreciate him or Puck saying things, and you either, for that matter. That was a shitty thing to do."

"Oh, don't be mad, Luce. I told them you were a great lay. That you were a fucking rock star in the sheets and how I never came so hard in my life. So don't worry, I did nothing but trump you up, doll face."

"Are you patronizing me? I know there's no way I was that good."

She put a hand to her chest and looked shocked.

"Oh no, sugar tits, I meant every word. If you tell anyone, I will deny it to the death, but I have never wanted to be topped. I've never wanted to give up control. With B, it's more of a taking turns thing."

"Is it?"

"Yes, there's always consent check-ins and sweet, thoughtful shit."

"That's nice."

"Sure, but I'm me. I like to shut my brain off and know that I'm in good hands."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes, and with you, God, I know that I can trust you to take care of me better than I can ever take care of myself. You are that good."

"Wow. That's high praise. How am I really any different than Dani or Britt, though?"

"It was amazing and different. Dani is a pushover. As long as I'm fucking her, she'll do whatever I want."

"And you don't like that."

"No, it was good, just too much work."

"Ha!"

"And with B, it's comfortable and familiar; you know, it's like a warm bubble bath after a long day. You are more like ice water in hell or, better yet, water on Mars. Sex with you was both refreshing and surprising."

I sat there staring at her face, how it lit up as she remembered our time together, how her honesty reflected in her eyes, and I was breathless, holding onto my phone like a lifeline. She looked nervous and brought her hand up to cover her face. A sparkle of silver got my attention, and I felt the cold realization rush over me.

I knew better than to let this continue to go on. We were treading on dangerous ground.

"San?"

"Did I go too far?" She said and looked ready to change the subject.

"A little, but I encouraged you. I'm going to go. I'll let you know how things go in Laredo. Be safe out there in the world, okay?"

"Q? Don't go, please...I..." She was grasping for words, trying not to let things end like this, but I didn't think I could handle it anymore.

"You make me crazy, Santana. We're okay. Keep working on things with Brittany, alright? I need to get my mom up so she can take me to the airport."

"Will you call me when you get there?"

"Maybe. I'll have Beth, so I might be busy, but feel free to text me, and I'll message you when I can."

"Okay. Have a safe flight."

"Take amazing pictures...send me some when you can."

"I will if you do?"

"Of Beth?"

She hesitated but then nodded and then smiled softly. "And of you. Bye, Luce." Before I could question her need for pictures of me, she ended the call.

"Bye." I whispered to the blank screen, and then I did something totally off the wall, but it needed to happen sooner rather than later. I wanted to go to Laredo with a clear conscience and zero distractions, so I called Brittany.