Too Long a Martyr Chapter 18:Never Say Never, a glee fanfic

Never Say Never (The Fray)

"Quinn?" Brittany said, perkier than I expected.

"Hey, B, I saw you called me in the night. Is everything alright?" I asked, feeling like I was lying to her by being so calm, but after yesterday's bomb dropping, I didn't care.

"Um, I hope so. I got green yesterday; not like Hulk green, but you know, jealous. I don't like sharing Santana with anyone, especially not you. So I lied to get you to move on."

"You lied?" I asked.

"About the pregnancy, but it could be true because we're married, and that's what married people do, except for you because you and Puck weren't married when you had Beth."

"Okay..."

"I shouldn't have lied; it's not my thing; it's yours. I'm not as good at it as you."

"Excuse me?" I felt like she punched me, but I kept my cool, happy that she couldn't see my face.

"You cheat and lie to get what you want; it's what you have always done, and in high school, Santana wanted to be like you so bad, and now she's headed that way. I can't lose her, Quinn, especially not to you."

"Even though it seems you want to trash me, which sure go for it, I can handle it; I just want you to realize who you married. Santana doesn't do well with people manipulating her. If you want to keep her, stop playing games. She's softer than she likes to admit and incredibly loyal to you. Maybe too much."

"I still won, though. You said so yourself."

"Yeah, as you said, I lie and cheat, so maybe you should watch your back."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that if you keep messing things up with Santana, she's going to leave you, and I'll be here waiting, and the part that sucks for you is that she knows it."

"Is that why you didn't come to the wedding because you don't think we are forever?"

"My time is too valuable to waste on make-believe. Be good to her, Brittany. Santana deserves the world."

"I know, and she has the world in me. We have each other, but what do you have? Lies and loneliness?"

"You're right, B. I've cried myself to sleep over her, and I always feel more alone when you're around, but I'm okay with that for now. She's yours to have, to hold, and hopefully not destroy. Good luck."

"We don't need luck. We are lobsters."

"And I'm water on Mars."

"Huh?"

"Goodbye, Britt."

It was like I was destined to torture myself as if I wasn't about to embark on an amazing journey to being a mother again. Why did I do this to myself?

My heart was telling me to call Santana and warn her about Brittany, to tell her what I had just said to her wife, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Brittany had lit a fire in me.

To her, this is now a war over who gets Santana's heart, but after being compared to ice water in hell and water on Mars, I knew that the pedestal Santana had me on didn't need my support to hold it up.

She had begged Brittany to be happy for her while she went off and pursued her dreams, and now I was hoping that Santana would do the same for me.

I was counting on it.

Maybe I had purposely planted the seeds of doubt and anxiety in Brittany's mind, and maybe I also had hoped they would flower while I worked on setting up my future.

And just maybe that was because I was holding onto Santana for dear life, but I wouldn't admit it to anyone, not even myself.

The entire drive to the airport, I kept looking down at my phone while Mother chattered on and on about what we should do for Beth's birthday, but I was only half listening.

Santana hadn't messaged me or called to tell me that Brittany had told her about our conversation, and it had been over an hour.

So either Santana was too mad to talk to me, had fallen asleep, or Brittany was going to keep our conversation to herself.

"Lucille?!" Mother snapped me back to attention with a name that felt so far from who I was anymore.

"Yes, Mother?"

"Are you listening to me?"

"Yeah. Listen, I may still be in Texas for her birthday; she's grieving. I don't want to overwhelm her with too much."

"It's more of a distraction that I'm thinking of. This almost conversation distracted me from asking you why you talked to Brittany that way this morning...especially after you were flirting with Santana just before."

"Wait...you heard all of that?"

She shot me a stern look before looking back at the road.

"You need to cut your contact to a minimum with both of them. I know you stopped going to church, but I think I taught you better than to be the OTHER woman. You hated your father for cheating on me...don't be like him, Quinn."

"Mother, this isn't the same."

"Is that what you've been telling yourself?"

"How did we even start this conversation? Weren't we just talking balloons or something?"

"Quinn, sweetheart, I know you have strong feelings for Santana; I've always known, maybe before you even knew, but it's too late, and you have something big coming your way. Don't let this thing you have going with Brittany and Santana get in your way. Everything from here on out needs to be about you and Beth."

"I know, Mother."

"You need to refocus all that energy into Beth and picking a Med. School program. Start planning your future."

"Okay, I get it."

"Do you?"

"YES. Can we drop it now?" I groaned, annoyed at her overattentive need to be my mom after all those years of being practically absent.

"I hope so." She said before turning up the radio and bopping along to some teenybopper jam. I rolled my eyes and shoved my silent phone into my purse.

As annoying as she was, my mother was right. I needed to stay firm in my decision to let things simmer on the back burner while I focused all my attention on Beth and Medical School.

Santana would come to me when she was ready; I just had to have a little faith.

And so, when I got out of my early morning shower, and the sun barely rose in the sky, I was beyond grateful that I was prepared for the phone call that would begin to unravel all the bitterness that I had built up from the moment that I handed Beth over to Shelby.

"Hello?" I answered, putting the phone on speaker while I got dressed for my day.

"Quinn? It's Vincent. Did I wake you?"

"Nope, I'm a bit of an early riser."

"Well, that worked in my favor then."

" Aren't you supposed to be on your plane? It's almost seven."

"Something came up. I know this is a big question, but I wouldn't ask if I didn't think you were game. I must fly to Spring to close out some things at my mother's house. Would you mind flying with Beth this morning? A flight out of Indiana at ten has seats available."

"That would be fine. I just need to know where to go once we get there."

"My wife will meet you at the airport and take you gals shopping and to dinner. She's a hostess before anything else, so she'll love having some new blood around. Plus, she and Beth get along great. How does that sound? Can I go ahead and change your ticket?"

"Yes."

"Great. Thanks so much. Beth will be incredibly excited that she gets to fly with you."

"I hope so."

"No worries. Shelby has been telling her about you all her life. Do you know she has a picture of you in her room?"

"Um...no."

"Well, she does. So don't you worry for a second because that little girl loves you, Quinn. My sister made sure of it."

"Wow." I whispered, suddenly feeling breathless at the thought. I had convinced myself that I had failed Beth and quit on her before I saw her perfect little face, but it seemed that Shelby saw things differently. Thankfully.

I packed my purse with two coloring books, a box of crayons, gum, and two of my favorite Dr. Seuss books. I wanted to have as much fun with Beth as possi and to impress her.

After rechecking my bags twice more, I paced my bedroom endlessly before finally giving in and opening up FaceTime without even bothering to see what time it was in Japan.

The screen came up, and I fixed my hair in it before the call connected, wanting to look my best but also because that's what I do when I'm love-struck. I get weird.

"Hey Q!" Santana said cheerfully, her lips stained red as she smirked.

I looked at her background and could see that it was nighttime.

"Hey. Is it the same day as the last time we talked?'

"For me, it is. You called me in the afternoon earlier, and now I'm sitting in bed with some pizza and a glass of wine."

"Show me." I said, feeling so thrown by the time difference. She turned the phone, and I could see her hotel room and then the mirror that showed her sitting in a bed draped in a giant Yale shirt. "Where did you get that shirt?"

"That night I slept on the couch, that smoking hot Indian chick gave it to me."

"Asha." I said and grinned. "You look good in it." She took a sip of wine and then winked at me.

"So did Asha. She was wearing it and then took it off right in front of me."

I could feel a spark of jealousy as my nostrils flared.

"Are you jealous? Is it because of me or her?"

"Who knows, I've been with both of you."

"Oh, Q, you naughty girl. If you keep nailing hot people with melanin, I'm going to think you have a fetish."

"It's not a fetish. It's a preference for anyone who doesn't look like they could be in my family tree."

"Was she good?"

"Yes. Top 5 easily."

"Haven't you only been with like six people?"

"Um…I've never counted. Let me see." I mumbled to myself as I counted, "You were close, I've been with seven people."

"Whoa, look at you, the town bike." She joked, and I rolled my eyes. "So, did you two date?"

"No, it wasn't serious with her…or you."

"Hmmm, sure, that's your story, you stick to it. So, how are you today?"

"Better. I had some water and aspirin before bed, so I woke up alert and bright-eyed."

"Ugh...I can never become a morning person like you. I still don't know how you do it."

"Me either, sometimes."

"So, are you excited about your trip?"

"Yeah, plans changed a bit, and I get to fly there with Beth. Just me and her."

Her eyes widened, and she smiled, giving me a thumbs up. "She's going to love it."

"How do you know?"

"Um, why wouldn't she. You said she was awesome, didn't you?"

"I did."

"Well, then it will be great. Stop psyching yourself out."

"I'm not."

"You ALWAYS do that, even in bed."

"What?" I stared at her in disbelief.

"That night, you kept asking me, over and over again, if this was okay and was that thing okay. Like you needed my approval the whole time, it was very distracting."

"You survived and, from what I can tell, would have come back for more if you had your way."

"Is that an offer?" She waggled her eyebrows and grinned.

"You know it isn't. So, how did the shoot go?"

She rolled her eyes but went along with my change in subject. "Weird. I was mostly naked. They said they would cover my tattoos so my mom wouldn't see them, but who knows how long I can keep that up."

"How on Earth have you hidden that big cross on your back for this long?"

"Make-up and cover-ups."

"Yeah, she has to know."

"If she does, she's never said anything."

"Hmm...I'm going to ask her."

"No! Don't you fucking dare!"

"Yup. I'll ask her if she knows about your...what...six tattoos?"

"Eight, and you can tell my mother only if I get to ask Judy what she thinks of your tattoo."

"What? I don't have a tattoo."

"Oh, Yeah? I remember some Greek letters that you shaved a part of your head to get done..."

"What? How?" I asked, shocked that she was calling me out. The tattoo was done on initiation night and was supposed to be a secret between the sisters.

"Let's just say that when I had my face against your neck...and yanked at your hair...and also when you put it down between my legs." She smirked, and I could feel my entire face fill with fire.

"No way." I said, looking at her seriously.

"Yep. Come on...prove me wrong. It's under the hair just above your left ear."

My hand subconsciously traveled to where the small letters hid underneath my hair.

"San-" I started to say, but she cut me off.

"Ha! I knew it! And you know what else...I asked Puck if he had seen them, and he confirmed it!"

"You did what?"

"Oh, you didn't think I would compare notes with Sam and Puck?"

"Wait with Sam, too?"

"Well, Trouty gave up the tapes without much pressure. I'm sure if I asked him about Britt..." Pain flashed across her face, but she cleared her throat and continued. "Let's just say that Sam is a guy who kisses and tells."

"Well, I'm not, I don't appreciate him or Puck saying things, and you either, for that matter. That was a shitty thing to do."

"Oh, don't be mad, Luce. I told them you were a great lay. That you were a fucking rock star in the sheets and how I never came so hard in my life. So don't worry, I did nothing but trump you up, doll face."

"Are you patronizing me? I know there's no way I was that good."

She put a hand to her chest and looked shocked.

"Oh no, sugar tits, I meant every word. If you tell anyone, I will deny it to the death, but I have never wanted to be topped. I've never wanted to give up control. With B, it's more of a taking turns thing."

"Is it?"

"Yes, there's always consent check-ins and sweet, thoughtful shit."

"That's nice."

"Sure, but I'm me. I like to shut my brain off and know that I'm in good hands."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes, and with you, God, I know that I can trust you to take care of me better than I can ever take care of myself. You are that good."

"Wow. That's high praise. How am I really any different than Dani or Britt, though?"

"It was amazing and different. Dani is a pushover. As long as I'm fucking her, she'll do whatever I want."

"And you don't like that."

"No, it was good, just too much work."

"Ha!"

"And with B, it's comfortable and familiar; you know, it's like a warm bubble bath after a long day. You are more like ice water in hell or, better yet, water on Mars. Sex with you was both refreshing and surprising."

I sat there staring at her face, how it lit up as she remembered our time together, how her honesty reflected in her eyes, and I was breathless, holding onto my phone like a lifeline. She looked nervous and brought her hand up to cover her face. A sparkle of silver got my attention, and I felt the cold realization rush over me.

I knew better than to let this continue to go on. We were treading on dangerous ground.

"San?"

"Did I go too far?" She said and looked ready to change the subject.

"A little, but I encouraged you. I'm going to go. I'll let you know how things go in Laredo. Be safe out there in the world, okay?"

"Q? Don't go, please...I..." She was grasping for words, trying not to let things end like this, but I didn't think I could handle it anymore.

"You make me crazy, Santana. We're okay. Keep working on things with Brittany, alright? I need to get my mom up so she can take me to the airport."

"Will you call me when you get there?"

"Maybe. I'll have Beth, so I might be busy, but feel free to text me, and I'll message you when I can."

"Okay. Have a safe flight."

"Take amazing pictures...send me some when you can."

"I will if you do?"

"Of Beth?"

She hesitated but then nodded and then smiled softly. "And of you. Bye, Luce." Before I could question her need for pictures of me, she ended the call.

"Bye." I whispered to the blank screen, and then I did something totally off the wall, but it needed to happen sooner rather than later. I wanted to go to Laredo with a clear conscience and zero distractions, so I called Brittany.