All We Are (One Republic)

"So what do you want to do for your birthday? It's a big one, right, five years old."

"I want to meet my dad."

Things had been going well. Vincent had met us at the airport, looking tired and sad but still smiling for Beth's sake, but I knew that once we were gone, he would probably allow himself to break down. I could see it in his eyes and didn't blame him.

We were four hours into a five-hour flight. We napped, watched a movie, colored about six pages, ate snacks and were now just chatting...what I thought was casual, but now, it was getting a little more serious.

"What do you know about him?"

"Um, Mama always said he's tall like me. Meemaw said that he flies airplanes."

"Well, they are both right. Puck not only flies planes, but he spends a lot of time jumping out of them."

Her eyes got big; she put down the crayon she had been doodling with and turned in her seat.

"Whoa. Wait, if Puck is flying the plane, how is he jumping out of it too?" She asked, as curious as I would be.

"Well, when he jumps, it's to rescue people, so he is a jumper on those days. When he flies planes, that is usually just for drills. Just to show that he can. He likes to jump out of the planes more than flying them, though."

"I would be like that, too." She said, her smile getting bigger.

"You want to jump out of a plane?"

"Yeah, when I'm bigger. Don't you?"

"Oh no. I'd rather not. I've had enough excitement for a lifetime."

"Wuss." She said, grinning.

"Excuse me?" I said, pretending to be hurt. "I am pretty tough."

"How?"

"I used to be able to backflip off the top of the jungle gym. I did a lot of dancing. Ballet and gymnastics mostly."

"No way! I want to do gymnastics! I was supposed to before..." She said a little too loud before shrugging her shoulders and biting her lip. I glanced around, and no one was paying us much attention. When I looked back at Beth, she looked at me just as interested as she was with Puck, her brief blip of sadness gone for the moment. "Why used to?" She asked.

It took me a second, but I realized what she was trying to say.

"You mean, why did I stop?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

"I hurt my back bad a few years ago, and I even had to learn how to walk again. They didn't think I would be able to, but I did. That takes a lot of toughness. Thank you very much, Ms. Beth."

"Learn to walk? Where you in a rolling chair?"

"A wheelchair, yes. It took so much work and surgery to be able to walk again. Jumping out of a plane would ruin all of that."

"So because of your back, you can't do the exciting stuff?"

"Well, mostly, but I think hanging with you is pretty exciting. Being able to pick you up and hold you is more than enough for me."

She blushed and then turned back to her doodling without another word. I could see that she was smiling to herself, but I could tell that she was thinking of Shelby, and my heart ached for her.

By the time we had to get off the plane, Beth had spent the last part of the trip crying, and it was disheartening to know that there wasn't much I could do but be there for her.

"Can I hold your hand?" She called up to me as I stood from my seat to get our carry-ons from the overhead.

"Right now?" I asked, sticking out my tongue, hoping to turn that frown upside down.

"No...when we get off the plane, can I hold your hand?"

I pulled the bags down and then leaned over to her quickly, not wanting to block the aisle once the door opened.

"Beth, you can hold my hand or hug me anytime you want. I came here to say goodbye to your Meemaw, but more than anything, I am here for you. Okay?"

Her face brightened, and she nodded, her smile firmly in place. We were making progress, and the more time passed, the better I was. I started to feel about finally getting something I had wanted since I was sixteen.

The brightness of the Laredo airport, with its blue and tan tones, was a welcome difference from the Ft. Wayne and Dayton airports, which are so bland that they zap the excitement out of your trip pretty quickly.

Beth's hand slipped into mine as we walked past baggage claim, each pulling a carry-on.

"So I need you to lead me if you can, Beth. I don't know what your aunt looks like."

Like any kid Beth's age, being assigned a task to lead was a big deal. Beth's eyes brightened, and she walked a step ahead of me and pulled me along as she looked up into the faces of various strangers until she found the familiar one.

The one that stood out in the crowd, according to Vincent and my God, did she ever.

Seeing Beth run into her aunt's arms as if she had been waiting to be rid of me stung a little, but I tried to take it on the chin. From what I could gather, Shelby died in April, and Beth had immediately come from New York to live with Merna.

Vince had been watching Beth for the week before things went bad with Merna, so this aunt was probably the closest she felt to Shelby.

Beth had been shuffled around since Shelby died, and a sense of stability was what she needed. Her aunt and uncle symbolized that for her, and I wasn't going to get in the way of that.

I had to remember that as of now, despite the biological connection, Beth had lived her entire life so far without me, and while she was talking to me faster than anyone expected, I was still the stranger who gave birth to her.

This was just the first step in my new life, and I would have been a fool to think it would be easy.

Once Beth was in the car, a movie loaded for her to watch, with headphones included, I got to meet Vincent's wife.

"So, you are the birth mother, " the wife said as she strapped herself into the front seat and looked back at Beth to ensure she was situated.

"That I am."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you got yourself pregnant all on your own since Beth is your spitting image. It's a strange sight." She smiled at me, slipped on sunglasses and then pointed at the glove box. "There are extra sunglasses in there; you'll need them, birth mom."

"How about just Quinn." I said, trying my best not to be annoyed.

"Right. Quinn." She said, pronouncing it more like Queen, which I had no problem with. "I'm Lydia, someone who is insanely protective over Bunny back there."

"I'm glad she's been in good hands."

"Excellent hands; I am a pediatrician, after all."

"Wow. Did you go to med school here or in Mexico?" I asked, unsure if our banter was playful, but I was used to the sarcasm; anyone who has had to deal with Santana Lopez daily had to be.

"I'm from Venezuela, and I graduated from Harvard. Summa cum laude. That's where I met my husband. He tells me you just graduated from Yale in three years, pre-med? That's impressive."

"I know."

She looked at me and then smiled, "I like you." she said and then let out a huge laugh. "You've got spunk. I see where Bunny gets it from. That kid pulls no punches."

Once we had gotten all the tension out of the way, Lydia put on Spanish music and began to bop along happily as she drove.

I took that opportunity to turn my phone back on, and it looked like something had gone wrong between Brittany and Santana because I had two phone calls from Santana and three texts from Brittany.

I hope they keep that little girl away from you. You poison everything you touch!-Brittany

There was a time when Santana didn't second-guess me. Y can't you find sum1 who isn't married?-Brittany

I talked to Santana. She thinks that I'm lying about what you said to me. I hate You!-Brittany

Vincent wasn't kidding when he said Lydia was addicted to hosting people. From the airport, we went to lunch and then shopping. From there, we went back to the house and set up the little room they kept for Beth. After that, we went out for dinner and dessert.

So far, it was a welcome change from being in Lima.

By the time Lydia was headed out the door for her shift at the hospital, it was nine, and I felt like I was going to fall over, but before I could, I was on Mom duty for the first time by myself.

"Quinn?" Beth called to me as I finished unpacking my suitcase. She was in her room unpacking her own.

I walked across the hall and saw her sitting in the middle of the bed, surrounded by a huge mound of clothes and shoes.

"Hey, sunshine, what's wrong?"

"Mama usually did this for me...I don't know how to do this by myself." She looked at me with glassy eyes, and I knew we were headed for a breakdown.

One that I would have normally been completely unprepared for, but there is a difference when it's your kid. It feels like a tug on your literal soul.

"Would you like me to help you?" I asked, stepping up to the edge of the bed where the mound of clothes sat tall.

"Please?" She whispered as she fiddled with a sock in front of her.

"Okay. Great, so how about you show me where your stuff normally goes when you visit."

She looked at me for a long moment, which seemed to stretch for a million years.

"Okay!" She said, shooting out of bed and heading across the room to the closet.

About halfway through organizing Beth's stuff in the designated places, I wondered if this was where she should be for the time being. Maybe snatching her from the only family she knows so quickly isn't such a good idea.

After quickly changing into pj's, we lay in her bed with two books between us.

"These are my favorite books, but I want to know more about you and my dad."

"Ask me anything," I said, rolling towards her, watching as she stared at the stars stuck to the ceiling. Her eyes were bright, and she began hitting me, everything dancing through her mind.

"Is he tall?"

"Yes."

"How tall? Taller than Uncle Vincent?"

"Yes."

She looked at me and smiled. "Mama always said I am going to grow taller than her."

"Yeah, she was probably right. I'm taller than her, too."

"You are?"

"Only by a little, so with your dad and me, well, you are bound to be taller than your Mama and me."

"Can girls be tall?"

"Definitely. I went to school with a girl; she was almost as tall as your dad."

"Was she pretty like you?"

"Almost."

"Show me?"

"Okay, hold on a second."

I pushed from the bed and shuffled across the hall, searching for my phone. God only knows why I thought to bring up Brittany, but she was the first person I could think of that semi-matched Puck's height. Also, Santana always existed in my mind, and it wasn't a far leap to start thinking about her wife.

When I picked up my phone, there were two more messages from Brittany and four missed calls from Santana. She must be pissed. I couldn't deal with her anger at the moment, but I needed to respond to her.

Hey, hanging with Beth. Can I call you back after I put her to bed? IMU-Quinn

Her response was immediate.

Yo! I was about ten seconds from buying a plane ticket. Call me AS SOON as you put her to sleep. We need to talk.-S

Okay. Should I be concerned?-Quinn

Idk. Should you be?-S

I'll call you in a bit.-Quinn

I'll be waiting.-S

I sat on the edge of the bed staring at my phone for a little too long, and like me, Beth is extremely impatient. She entered the room, clutching a stuffed bunny in her hands, and she began tapping her foot on the carpet.

"Did you find it?" I looked up at her and tried to smile, but she looked pissed as she raised her eyebrow. "Well? Did you?"

I quickly pulled up my old glee photo album and patted the bed beside me.

"Here is everyone, including your dad."

Her frown turned into a smile quickly as she rushed to my side and leaned over my phone screen.

"Is that her?" She asked as I showed her a picture of the Unholy Trinity in full uniform. "You two look the same size."

I smirked because that had been my intention.

"It's just the way I'm standing. Always in front, and my shoulders square. Brittany tends to slump her shoulders a bit. Trust me; I look up at her when we are side by side."

"Who's that other girl? She's pretty."

I suppressed a sigh. "That is Santana Lopez. My best friend in the whole world. Do you remember the woman who made us waffles for breakfast?"

She nodded with a smile. "They were so good!"

"That was Santana's mommy."

"And where is my dad?"

I brought up a pick of the whole glee club, and there he was, shoulder to shoulder with Brittany.

"See."

She began to giggle as she pointed at his head. "He looks silly with that on his head!"

"Yeah, I always thought so, too."

A message flashed across the screen.

I hope you're happy. :(-Brittany

Followed by another.

You're the worst person ever!-Brittany

And at that moment when I heard a mumble and looked down at Beth reading. READING those words about me.

She looked up at me with questions in her eyes, and I began to panic.

"Is she mad at you? Is that the same, Brittany? Did you do something wrong?"

How was I supposed to answer any of that? This was too serious. My mother was right. I shouldn't have involved myself between Santana and Brittany; only I couldn't see that before, not completely. And then I remembered the last fight between my parents when his mistress had cursed out my mother, and she had screamed at him.

"YOU CAN'T DATE A MARRIED PERSON, RUSSELL. NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY!"

I felt like a fool.

"I think I may have missed her birthday or something. I'll call her once you are in bed; it's late. So how about that story now." I asked, putting my phone face down on the bed and trying my best to smile after lying to my daughter.

This couldn't be how we started. Me lying to cover up my misdeeds. Things had to change permanently, even if I had to rip out my heart. For Beth, I would do anything. She came first.

I couldn't fail her...not again.