we can't be friends (wait for love) Ariana Grande

It took five books before Beth finally gave in and fell asleep. She was incredibly persistent in her questioning. Every time a story ended, she wanted to know more about Brittany's text.

It sucked that she knew that I had been lying. I was feeling pretty crappy about it and just wanted to forget it, but there was no way I could get out of calling Santana back. I'm sure she was thinking that I was stalling, and while I probably would have been, Beth did a good enough job all on her own.

An hour had passed since my last text from Brittany. Almost two since I had told Santana that I would call, so when I picked up my phone again, I expected some sort of message from her telling me off. Still, there was nothing but a few dozen sad faces from Brittany.

It seemed that Santana was taking me at my word and wouldn't interrupt me again because she knew how important my time with Beth was. I wish she had shared that courtesy with Brittany, who had created an unnecessary situation between my daughter and me.

From what I could tell, she knew exactly where I was, so any messages she sent were probably purposeful because Brittany never did things for no reason.

She ALWAYS has a reason.

She's immature but isn't as stupid as she likes to pretend. I needed to nip this in the bud—right now, even if I was crabby and starting to have back pain. I started as the leader of this trinity and needed to act like it.

Enough was enough.

I knew Santana would never go for what I wanted to do, so I called Brittany first. She answered on the first ring, and from what I could tell, she was sobbing.

"Hold on; I'm going to conference in Santana. I can't continue like this, and I'm pretty sure you can't either." I told Brittany, and she just responded with a broken sob and what sounded like agreement.

I dialed Santana, and she took a few rings to answer.

"Quinn? Are you kidding...I don't want to go three-way with you. Not like this." She sounded pissed and yet still slipped in an innuendo.

"Wait, are you home?"

"Yes. Britt locked herself in the bedroom about an hour ago."

"Well, unless you can get her out of there, we are having this call."

"Fine." I waited as she pounded on her bedroom door. "Britt, open the door. Come on, babe, let's settle this."

"There's nothing to settle! We are MARRIED!" She yelled, and I sat there like an idiot and listened.

"Damnit!" Santana said, hitting it again, hissing as her body made contact with the door. "Shit. Connect the call, Q."

And so I did.

"Brittany. I just want you to know that I'm backing off. You're right. You and Santana are married. You love each other." Santana scoffed, and I rolled my eyes. "You do, even if right now you are second-guessing things. Either way, I cannot be in this. You were right, B, you won. I'm sorry for the part that I played in any hurt, okay. I need to be present right now. Beth comes first for me, and I am fucking distracted! I should be enjoying this time with HER, and instead, I'm mediating the shit between you guys."

"That you created!" Brittany spat bitterly.

"B, I told you, it wasn't just Quinn." Santana cut in.

"It doesn't matter who started it, created it. What does matter is that there is a lack of something in your relationship for Santana to come to me, Brittany. Maybe you two should figure that out."

"I'm trying, but she's stuck on you!"

"Hello! I'm right here. I am NOT stuck on her."

Me and Brittany both scoffed this time, and then Brittany groaned. "You are! Why did you even ask me to marry you? You are not the Santana I fell in love with; I don't know who you are!"

"B...please just open the door so that we can talk."

"No! I don't want to see your face!" Then there was the sound of breaking glass and Brittany grunting, followed by more glass breaking.

"Um...should I go?"

"B, what are you doing in there?"

"Smashing your ungrateful, cheating face! Ow!" She squealed as more glass crunched.

"San, you need to deal with this. I'm going to go. Brittany, please stop breaking things; you don't want stitches again, do you?"

"Don't be nice to me! Not while she can hear it! Where was this Quinn earlier?"

"I don't know. Where was the Brittany that wouldn't lie to ME about a fake pregnancy?"

"I apologized! You've been messing with my marriage! I think you should be apologizing to me!"

"I tried. We haven't done anything since you got married."

"You kissed! That's cheating!" She shrieked and then hissed again. "Ow!"

"Brittany!" Santana yelled, and then I heard a loud bang. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! BRITTANY, STOP!" She screamed.

"Why should I?" She whispered and then whimpered. "Ow." and then the line cut out.

"Hello? Seriously?" I looked at the screen and saw that the call had ended; whether Santana hung up on me or the call cut out, I wasn't sure. If one of them hung up, I should still be connected, but somehow, I was completely cut out.

It should have given me some relief, but deep down, I did care about what happened to Brittany; from the sounds of it, she wasn't in a good place. I called Brittany back and got her voicemail; a second later, I got Santana's.

My chest started tightening up, and breathing became harder. I was gasping for air as I called Santana and Brittany repeatedly with no answer. I sat in the dark, hot tears now cutting down my cheeks as the panic attack took hold.

I felt sick and guilty. Why didn't I call Santana as I had promised? Why did I have to make Brittany more upset?

What was wrong with me?

"Quinn, Quinn?" A small voice called out to me in the darkness. The nightlight from the hallway drew a line across the floor as Beth slipped into the room. "Are you crying?"

I hiccupped and wiped at my face, but it was too late. I was hysterical as I continued sobbing in front of my daughter. I was supposed to be strong for her, but I was weak.

"I'm sorry, baby." I whispered, feeling like a complete failure. Fucking Santana, I just wanted to be free of her and the feelings that I had for her. I didn't NEED this right now.

Soft hands reached for my face, wiping at the tears that continued to come from my eyes.

"It's okay to cry, Quinn. We all get sad." She whispered, then threw herself on me, wrapping her little arms around my stomach and hugging me tightly. "I'm here, okay. You can cry; I won't tell anybody."

It shouldn't be this way. I was supposed to comfort Beth and help her through a rough patch, but instead, she was holding me. More tears came, and her hug got tighter.

"I'm sorry." I said through my sobs, apologizing to Brittany for causing a rift, apologizing to Santana for loving her way too late and apologizing to Beth for making any tears about my problems instead of hers.

What a terrible mother I was turning out to be!

We ended up falling asleep, wrapped up so tight around each other that any movement from one of us would have awakened the other. I woke up first and took the opportunity to stare into the face of my perfect little girl. She was breathtaking, and it hurt so badly to know just how much of a screw-up I was to her and myself.

I had a serious decision to make, and I felt like a failure just thinking about it. This was one of those moments when I needed to talk to Santana, and because of Brittany, her wife, I wasn't allowed to.

This was all so utterly stupid.

There was a soft knock at the door, and then, a beat later, Lydia's head popped through the opening.

"Hey, I just got home. I brought coffee; it's in the kitchen. Did she have a bad night?" She whispered.

"No." I mouthed back, giving a slight shake of my head.

"Oh, good. I'm going to take a nap. I left my car keys on the counter if you want to take her to breakfast. There's a little diner about a mile from the driveway to the left. She loves the waffles there."

I gave a slight nod and smiled. Lydia smiled back and then shut the door again.

"Is she gone?" A small voice said, my eyes snapped down to Beth, but her eyes were still closed.

"How long were you awake?"

"A long time. I know you were staring. I could feel it."

"Sorry."

"Mama always did it; she said it made her happy. I thought it would make you happy, too." She said, peeking an eye open to look at me before she closed it again. "Did it work?"

"Yes. So, do you want waffles?"

"Soon. I'm not ready to get up."

"Me either."

"Good. I'm going to pretend to sleep a little bit longer."

My smile was so big that it hurt my face as I watched her gobble down her giant Belgian waffle.

"You're staring. Your food is going to get cold." Beth mumbled, her waffle showing itself to me in her mouth.

"Gross. Don't talk with your mouth full. You could choke."

That got me an eye roll as she closed her mouth and finished chewing. I could tell she wanted to say something, and I could only imagine what it was. Beth was a little spitfire. She reminded me of Santana, Puck, and Rachel Berry, all wrapped up in one little person.

"Is there a book about what girl adults say to kids?" She asked after dramatically swallowing. She drank her orange juice as she waited for a response.

"No. Why?"

She let out a big sigh and then picked up another piece of waffle on her fork but didn't put it in her mouth.

"Because Mama, Meemaw and Titi Lydia always say the same thing, Uncle Vincent doesn't care. I bet my dad wouldn't care either." She shoved the waffle in her mouth and began chewing animatedly but kept her mouth closed, thankfully.

"That's because sometimes boys are dumb. You'll see, sometimes they don't shower and put their stinky feet up on the couch when they are told not to, and they always insist on being somewhere they weren't invited. You know your dad was always doing that when we were in school. Always sticking his nose in places that they didn't belong."

Beth smiled, just like she always seemed to do when I mentioned Puck, so I thought, why not try to call him even if all of my previous efforts had not worked out well?

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, even though I had promised myself that I would not have it on while I had breakfast with Beth, but this was different.

There was a missed call and voicemail from Santana, which gave me pause, but this was not the time. Frankly, I wasn't sure if it ever would be.

I pressed down on Puck's name and then put it to my ear.

Normally, it goes directly to voicemail, but it was ringing, and just when I thought the call would drop off, a groggy voice answered.

"Yeah?"

"Noah?"

"Shit, Quinn. I was going to call you today. How's Texas?"

"Wait, how do you know that I'm in Texas? Are you home?"

"Mom called me; she updates me on everything. I'm back in the States for a while. Broke my leg when the stupid parachute opened late, but I'm okay. How's Beth?"

I looked at Beth and saw that she had put down her fork and was watching me with big eyes.

"That's good to hear. Beth is great; she's sitting across from me, waiting for me to stop talking and give her the phone."

"You bet I am!" She yelled a little too loudly. People were staring, but I just smiled at them and waved them off. They returned to their breakfasts, and I shot a glare at Beth. "Sorry." She said and then grinned.

"Put her on the phone." Puck said, sounding more alert than before.

"Be nice." I said, and he laughed.

"Of course."

"I wasn't talking to you, Noah."

Beth scowled, and I stuck my tongue out at her before surrendering my phone to her sticky hands.

I had paid our breakfast bill, strapped Beth into the car, and was just about back to the house when Beth finally stopped giggling into the phone.

"He said to call him when you stop driving." Beth giggled as she clutched the phone in her hands. "He's funny."

"Yeah? You liked him?"

"Yup! He said that he would see me on my birthday next week."

"Did he?"

"Yes! You will be here too, right? Titi, Lydia and Mama always throw my birthday parties together. Last year, we were divas and got our nails done. I don't know what it will be this year." Some laughter left her voice as the realization of a birthday without Shelby hit her.

"You know what, Beth." I said as I pulled to a stop in the driveway. "This year, I will plan it with Titi Lydia, and I can invite whoever you want, like my mom and Puck's mom."

She perked up with a smile.

"And like Brittany, Santana, and Mercedes?"

The bottom of my stomach fell out, but I couldn't say no to her, and I was hoping they wouldn't either.

"Definitely, baby. I'll invite them too."

I spent a full day with Beth and didn't pay much attention to my phone, but that didn't mean I wasn't thinking about it.

Lydia took us to dinner and dessert again before leaving for her shift, and unlike the night before, Beth wasn't wired.

She let me give her a bath and then passed out after half of the first book.

I laid there with her until my back started to cramp up from squeezing into Beth's small bed.

After taking a shower, checking in on Beth one more time, and then grabbing some water, I finally got in bed and braced myself for Santana's voicemail.

The stark difference in her voice from Tokyo to now, in what was just a few days, was drastic.

"Hey Q, so things got bad here. I should have listened to your advice sooner. Britt is really hurting over whatever you said, and I know she probably deserved it. At the end of the day, though, she's my wife. If you don't hear from me for a while, just know it's because I'm keeping my promise to you. I know I said I wanted to be the first to hear about custody, but I think a little space will be good for us. I'm praying all goes well. I came to Rachel's to update her about Merna. She took it harder than I expected. I mean, Finn, then Shelby, and now this grandmother she never met. Rachel asked if you could take pictures and may visit after the funeral. She doesn't want it to be about her, which is definitely a first. Anyway, I love you so much. I keep looping that song, I just can't stop loving you, the one we used to sing when we were kids. Remember? I think if we had a song, it would be that one. Give it a listen. I'm so proud of you, Q. Please keep your head up, Q. Remember not to get too stuck in your head. You're the smartest person I know. Trust yourself. Don't let the bastards get you down. Keep talking to Mami, okay, she's the best. I love you, I love you. Okay, bye, Q."

I replayed her message over and over again, each time realizing that Britt was making her choose between us, and she was making the choice she was expected to make.

She was keeping her word, and I hated it.

Just thinking of how much this was hurting her made me so fucking sad.

I prayed for both Britt and San for over an hour. Then I played that Michael Jackson song on repeat all night long. At the same time, I thought of our karaoke performances that Santana and I put on during her family parties.

Would we ever be close again?

God, please don't let me lose her for good.