Be Still (The Killers)

*Nightmares are the cornerstone of our subconscious fears.*

The darkness of the oncoming storm didn't stop us from getting on the Ferris Wheel; Beth looked at me with so much excitement, having missed this ride on her birthday. The forecast had called for a sunny day, but it looked like God had other plans.

We sat together at the back of the carriage and waited to rise into the sky. Beth started talking about the pretty unicorns she had gotten from Brittany and how much she liked them. She asked if I liked them, but I couldn't respond; the air was trapped in my lungs as we rose higher and higher, and even though I wasn't answering her, she continued to talk.

I could feel invisible fingers trailing down my sides as Beth continued to look at me with a smile on her face. I brought my hands to my neck and tried to pry away the invisible fingers that were now at my throat.

"Mama Q, are you okay?" Beth asked me, looking concerned, and I tried to smile, trying not to scare her as we reached the top. She turned her head and smiled again, "Brittany, I think something is wrong with Mama Q."

I looked in the direction she was looking, and there was Brittany, somehow at the top with us, and my heart began thudding.

"She needs a hug. Don't worry, Little B; I'll take care of her. Look out at the park; isn't it tiny from up here?"

I tried to move but was rooted to my seat. Beth held tight to her bunny and looked over the side of the carriage as Brittany climbed onto my lap; this time, she had her hands between my legs, and I was choking at the thought of my daughter seeing me hurt.

"Don't worry, my little slut, she can't see this; she won't know how much of a whore her mother is." Her smile became larger as the breath continued to be trapped in my lungs. I was suffocating, and Beth was staring off the side, smiling as I was violated across from her.

I could feel my body seizing as the panic reached a new height. Somehow, I got a scream out, and Beth's face whipped towards us.

"Mama Q? Are you okay?" I looked at her and could see the tears in her eyes, and then the carriage started spinning, and she flew towards the opening where the metal bars blocked us.

"Beth!" I screamed at her, Brittany holding me in place. "Oh God, please? Beth!" I screamed.

"Mama!" Beth screamed as she hung to the side of the carriage. I wanted to rip my heart out as I watched Beth hanging off the side, screaming for me, and I just sat there, wanting to reach her but not able to move as Brittany remained oblivious, her fingers inside of me, scratching at me and ripping me apart, body from soul, mind from spirit.

"Beth," I whispered breathlessly and then it all went dark as the inevitable orgasm hit, and pain seared through my body. This must have been what death felt like.

*If our subconscious was on the surface, would reality be much different from our nightmares?*

"Quinn?" I woke up in a twist of blankets, the sun's brightness filling the guestroom, with Lydia hovering just in my line of sight. "Are you okay? You were having a nightmare."

"Beth?" I looked around and saw that my daughter wasn't in the room. "Where is she?" I asked Lydia, panic filling my chest.

"Noah came early this morning to take her for the day. She's okay."

"This morning?" I asked, and Lydia nodded.

"It's just after noon. You seemed like you needed the sleep. Are you okay?" Lydia sat on the edge of the bed, holding a glass of water, and I just lay there looking up at her, feeling my tears frozen behind my eyes.

"I'm not sure."

"Did you want to talk about anything?"

"Not really."

"That dream looked intense and not in a good way. Your mom took me aside the other day and told me about your past issues with..." She trailed off, seeming embarrassed to have to bring things up. "pills. She wanted to know if you've been okay."

I looked at her in shock, annoyed with my mother for telling the very people who were handing Beth off to me about my slight addiction to pain medication.

"I've been fine. I just haven't been sleeping well these last few days."

"I know. Beth told me that you have had bad dreams since her birthday."

"Did she?" Now, I was the embarrassed one. I covered my face and realized my hands were still shaking from the dream. The dreams seemed to be getting more intense as the days wore on.

"She did. I'm glad that she wasn't here for this one. You were screaming."

"I'm sorry. I just...I've been through a lot, and lately, things have been manifesting in my dreams. I'm not always like this."

She put the glass on the nightstand and clenched her hands in her lap. Second, guessing herself for a moment before sighing and looking at me hard.

"I think we should go have lunch today. Something changed. You've been a zombie, so mechanical, and it's showing. Let me help you. No matter what it weighs on you, I won't judge you."

"It's nothing," I argued weakly.

"It's something that's starting to show on your face. You've got dark circles, you're pale, and the shine in your eyes is gone. If I didn't know better, I'd think you had some trauma recently. It's good to talk things out."

"And if I don't want to?"

"Oh, trust me, you want to. Don't carry whatever is bothering you around. It will start to have effects on things around you. Do you want that?"

"Want what?" I looked up at her, feeling angry and frustrated. Who was she to talk to me like this?

"For your own emotions to drag down Beth?"

Flashes of my dreams, of Beth flying over the side of the Ferris Wheel because I wasn't strong enough to catch her, sank into my bones. I was already dragging down Beth like I always knew I would.

How could I expect anything less from myself?

Here I was, being selfish again, letting my heaviness out. I knew better than to let my emotions get the best of me. Good things never happen when I let people see the torments of my mind.

And now Beth was seeing it. Witnessing it, I was doing nothing to stop it.

I was being reckless.

I lay there, the feeling of drowning coming over me. I couldn't breathe as I lay there, as still as possible, willing myself to breathe deeply. Lydia looked me over and then put her hand on my arm.

Panic filled me, but I tried to quell it.

"Breathe." She said, her voice taking on a serious tone.

I wanted to yell at her, to tell her that breathing was just what I was trying to do, but I couldn't even form the words. She took deep, audible breaths and counted. Urging me to follow her breathing pattern, my lungs weren't cooperating.

She took charge and pulled me into a sitting position faster than I could react. She had a hand on my back and one on my chest. Her head rested on mine as she urged me on.

"Close your eyes." I did. "Now picture Beth smiling at you and take a deep breath," I did my best to breathe in and felt pinpricks in my side, but then I let out a shallow breath, and the pain faded. "Now imagine the calm you feel when she's reading to you. What's her favorite story? Can you picture it?" I nodded and took another shallow breath. "Good, now imagine her reading aloud in front of a classroom, everyone staring at her in awe of how smart she is...do you see it?" I did. I saw my little girl beaming with pride as she read like a big girl. I saw everyone seeing just how amazing she was. The breaths came a little easier as I smiled at the thought of my little girl and all that she was. "That's it, Quinn. Just keep breathing."

Her hand continued to rub my back as she kept mimicking deep breaths. I could feel the panic abating, and as I opened my eyes, the smile didn't fade. It felt good to think of Beth when I felt like I was falling deeper into myself.

I attempted a deep breath, encouraged by a series of shallow ones, and it was painless.

I wanted to tell Lydia more than anything, but when the time came to talk, the words didn't come. I just sat there, looking down into my soup, replaying the whole thing in my head over and over. I dissected the memory and looked at it from all angles, and the more I did, the more I was sure I was blowing it way out of proportion.

My instincts said I needed to tell someone, but I could only think of one person I wanted to tell. Only one person needed to know, and then she could do with it what she wanted.

I sat there, staring at the food, feeling nauseous and embarrassed. How could I even sum up how hurt and violated I felt?

"Quinn?" Lydia said, calmness seeping from her. Her bedside manner was as pristine as I hoped mine would be.

"You're right; something did happen. I don't want..." I paused, taking a moment to breathe, then looked up at her and tried to smile. "I can't talk about it yet. I know that it's not healthy to bottle things up. People have told me that for years, but it's how I cope. Giving in to emotions has always made me go to a dark place. I can't afford to do that right now. Beth needs me to be strong for her. To protect her, and that's what I'm trying to do, even if part of protecting her is from me."

"Well, just an observation, you're doing a pretty shitty of that. I hear you always telling Beth that it's okay for her to cry. It's okay to give in to sadness, but you don't follow your own advice. It's not healthy."

"Yeah, it's just not easy to talk about."

"Fine...just promise me that if not me, you'll talk to someone?" She looked worried, and with the issues she'd been having with Vincent, I hated to be one more thing for her to be concerned about.

"I promise. So can we change the subject then...what is going on with you and Vincent?" I asked, swirling my straw in my neglected drink and enjoying the opportunity to turn the tables on her.

"Oh, nothing," She said, flagging me and then smirking. "We're just getting a divorce. No big deal." She rolled her eyes and took a huge bite out of her sandwich, chewing as contentedly as possible.

"That's a pretty big deal."

"Why, you want to swoop in?"

"Uh...no. Um...is this my fault?"

She looked at me seriously for a moment, and then a grin took over.

"Of course not. Now, though, I'm wondering, is there something you want to tell me? You think my husband is hot because I know he thinks that you are, again, not your fault; this was already in the works before you came along."

"Oh." I sputtered, "I'm pretty sure my attraction to him is nothing compared to, um..."

I could see the lights go off in her head, and I waited for her to be offended, but her smirk got bigger.

"I called it! Oh, he SO owes me a hundred dollars! The feeling is mutual." She winked, and, for the moment, all the heaviness of the last couple of days lifted.