Dark Road (Annie Lennox)
"I knew you'd be a whore for anyone, a good little slut...anyone can make you feel like that...even me."
I couldn't get her freaking words out of my head; over and over again, they played. Her tone was mocking and saccharine. I'd been batting them away for days, but after flirting with Lydia at lunch, the words were sinking deeper into my marrow.
Maybe I am a whore for anyone, a good little slut. Out of everything Brittany had said to me, those words had rung true inside of me, and I couldn't shake them.
My confidence was shaken, and nothing could make that go away. I wanted nothing more than to call Santana, but each time I pulled up her name or opened a text message, I would hear those words and stop myself. WHORE...SLUT
As crazy as it may sound, I'm terrified that she'll show up again and catch me unaware.
I can't allow that to happen ever again. Brittany would not get close to me; I wasn't a fool.
That's what I'm telling myself, though. Even if I was turned on that day, my body was shivering with anticipation of that orgasm, so as much as I was enraged by the violation, I got some satisfaction out of it, making me feel dirty.
My mind was muck, and nothing was fixing that. Not even Lydia and the liquid, cool contentedness that lived in her eyes. If only for a moment, I'd love to just be wrapped in the confidence that she carries on her shoulders.
She is the personification of everything that I try to be, and instead of being unnerved by it, I'm intrigued by it.
I splashed water on my face, staring at my reflection and recalling how Lydia had described the toll my stress this week had put on my physical appearance.
My hair was dull, my eyes sunken in, and even my lips were overly chapped from my tendency to bite them. I could feel the sickening panic rise again and tried to imagine Beth, just like Lydia had told me, but it wasn't working the same.
I'd see Beth in my mind's eye, and then I'd see a glimpse of her flying over the side of the Ferris Wheel.
To top it all off, those words would come back, over and over, until I was leaning over, nearly hyperventilating over the sink in the public bathroom of a restaurant.
Tears were still not making an appearance, but everything that came with them was still very much plaguing me, especially the shortness of breath.
"Quinn?" Lydia's voice cut through my panic as I clutched the porcelain sink and tried to breathe through it, but the words...SLUT...WHORE wouldn't stop.
"I'm fine." I said, letting out a hysterical laugh. Even now, with me not being fine, I still stood here lying and being deceitful. I was starting to feel like I got what I deserved.
"Bullshit!" I heard the door lock, and then her hand was on my back; this time, I didn't flinch; her touch calmed me enough to get a good, deep breath out. "I hate to say this, but maybe it's time for you to go home. Something here is triggering these episodes."
"Not without, Beth." I said, feeling a sharp pain in my sinuses...my tear ducts craving a release, but there was nothing to give, nothing to feel. I knew that once they finally came, I wouldn't stop, and Brittany didn't deserve my tears.
"I can't let her go with you like this, Quinn; it's not going to do either of you any good. You need help." She said, finally looking at me in the mirror.
Anger was surging through me; I felt like punching her in her perfect fucking face.
"Let me worry about that. I can be good for her." I said, anger blotting out the panic as I whipped around, staring into her stupid, liquid, cool eyes. "She is the only thing keeping me sane; if I can't have that, I don't know what I'll do."
She rolled her eyes at me, shifted her hand from my hip, where I hadn't realized it was resting and put her hands on my shoulders. She looked me in my eyes, and the pity that resided there made me seethe.
"That's just it; you can't rely on that little girl for your happiness. She's just a kid. She will have moments where she makes you feel insane, and if you rely completely on her for your sanity, you will lose it. Right now, things are good and smooth, and I, more than anyone, want them to stay that way. She loves you, Quinn, and she's already lost two really important people in her life; I don't want to see her lose you too."
"But that's what this is." I stomped my foot, and she chuckled dryly. "Making me leave is her losing me."
"It doesn't have to be, sweetie; you said something about us having her for the summers after her birthday and you taking her for the school year. Why not start now. Her birthday has come and gone. Take this time to go on vacation or at least go home; take some time to clear your head and get your life back on track so that when September comes, you are ready to take her home."
"But you're getting divorced; I've been through that; it's no picnic."
"Oh, that," She rolled her eyes. "We are better as friends. We love each other, but I don't think we were ever in love. Vince is my anchor; we've done therapy and prayer, but honestly, I think pushing this marriage to work made us resent each other. Beth, though, won't feel the effects of that anymore. You brought it to our attention, and we are MUCH more aware of it. We are both grateful to you for that, and now I'm returning the favor."
"But..." And then Brittany's words were back...a good little slut...maybe she was right.
"Let me buy you a ticket home, maybe even get you one for tomorrow when Noah leaves; Beth can see you both off at once."
"Tomorrow?" I questioned, "You don't think that's too soon?"
"With how things are going, Quinn, tomorrow isn't soon enough."
When we returned to the house, Lydia reserved my ticket and was gone again in under an hour, having been called into work. It seemed that she was a slave to her job, and the more I saw how much, I was starting to rethink med school. Maybe getting custody of Beth right now, at this juncture in my life, is a sign that committing so much of my time to anything but her at this point was a bad choice.
I don't feel like any plan I have made for myself has been good. Even Yale.
As I packed, I started to feel like Lydia was beyond right. My leaving was a good thing. It was the best thing and not just for Beth. Brittany is living in my head and is stealing my focus from the important things.
Once again, the desire to call Santana overwhelmed me, so I shoved the last of my stuff into my suitcase and threw caution to the wind.
One ring. SLUT. Two rings. WHORE. Three rings...
"Well, well, well, hi Quinnie." Brittany answered, and my entire being felt hollowed out as I gasped.
"Brittany?" I whispered, in disbelief, of how shitty the luck I seemed to be born with was.
"She's in the shower. Did you need something?" She said, just as normal as can be. Meanwhile, I felt frozen with fear. I could have hung up, but I couldn't move. My mind was back on that Ferris Wheel, and here she was, sounding like it was nothing.
"No...well...yes. I just wanted to let her know I'm heading back to Lima. That I'll be there in time for her mom's birthday." I said, thankfully having the presence of mind to remember that Maribel's 45th birthday was in a few days and that Santana had been planning a HUGE surprise party. How had I even forgotten?
"Is that how you knew we were in Lima, or did you talk to her?" She said, her voice becoming harsh, sounding more like the Brittany on that Ferris Wheel with me than the one who had answered the phone. Panic was washing over me, and I was finding it hard to conjure up images of Beth to quell it.
"No. I haven't missed one of Santana's family parties in about ten years."
"Right. I'm sure that's what it is. Do we need to have another talk, Quinn? Was my visit not enough?" She asked, her voice getting even lower. Warmth filled my body and my panties, too. It was like, even now, she was hovering over me and making me feel things I didn't want to.
My eyes were pinched shut as I relived the Ferris Wheel repeatedly. My body's reaction showed her right about who and what I was. WHORE FOR ANYONE
"No. I, um...didn't think it would be a big deal."
"I guess it's just not sinking in. No worries. You'll get it soon enough."
"If you try something, I swear I will tell her and everyone else just how fucking sick you are and what you did to me."
She giggled like a toddler and let out a sigh. "No one will believe you, Quinn. They all know about you going after my wife; it will just seem like you're jealous."
My heart sank because I knew that she was right. I mean, look at my track record; I haven't always been the most honest person, unlike Brittany, who was known for consistently being brutally honest and aloof.
No one would believe how vile she was being.
"Santana will believe me."
"Maybe, but we both know what will happen if you try to go against what was agreed. Unless...that's what you want...to be my little whore again. Is that it, Quinn? Do you miss me already?"
"Who's on the phone, Britt?" I heard Santana's voice and prayed that she had heard what Brittany had been saying.
"Just Quinn. She wanted to know the details of Mama Lopez's party."
"Oh, just tell her it's at the Union League at 8 pm on Friday. Is she coming back?"
"Yeah. Did you want to talk to Santana?" Brittany asked innocently. Santana got too quiet, and that's when I knew they were having one of their infamous silent conversations.
"Nah, she's probably busy. I need to get dressed anyway, and so do you. Dinner in an hour. FLY SAFE, Q!"
And just like that, she had exited the conversation, and I was going to follow her lead.
"Thanks for the info, Brittany."
"See you soon, Quinnie, very, very soon." She said, and then there was silence.
My hands shook as I placed my phone beside me on the bed. I expected a panic attack, but I felt nothing but dread this time.
"Mama Q? Are you here?" Beth called as she pounded up the stairs. I wiped at my invisible tears and tried to put on my best face. The door swung open, and my little girl was grinning, her face painted like a pink bunny. "Papa is so much fun! So is Uncle Jakey."
I felt a lump in my throat, looking at my innocent little girl.
Despite all the destruction in her life in the last few months, she was still untainted and whole. Lydia was right. I needed to leave.
She looked from me to my suitcase, and her smile vanished.
"Are we leaving?" She asked, hope in her eyes.
"I'm leaving tomorrow, baby."
"With me? Like Meemaw said, I would?" Her lip began to tremble, and I reached for her, but she stood, rooted to that same spot on the carpet just out of my reach and waited for me to break her heart.
I heard more footsteps coming up the steps; this time, they sounded slower and lopsided.
"It's just for a little while. Uncle Vincent and Titi Lydia wanted to keep you for the summer while I set us up."
"But you'll come back for me?" Her eyes were watering. Her pink bunny makeup made her sadness even more tragic.
"Yes, baby. I promise you. I will come back for you."
The door opened wider, and Noah came pushing into the room, sweat on his brow as he looked from me to Beth and then back to me.
"I had her happy. Why is she sad now? What's with the suitcase?" I looked up at him and then rolled my eyes.
"I'm going back to Lima. I have some school stuff I need to get figured out and set up so that Beth and I have a home to go to after the summer. I can't do all of that from here, unfortunately."
Beth nodded and then looked up at Noah and held out her hand.
"It's okay; she says she'll be back for me. She promised. Do you want to see my room?"
"Of course, baby girl. Why don't you put your stuff in your room, and I'll be in? I just need to talk to Mama Q for a second."
Beth's face changed from a sad bunny to an angry one. "NO. You can talk to her later. It's our day, remember?"
"Right, I'm sorry. Show me where the most awesome little girl spends all her time."
"I don't spend all of my time in there! I go places!" Beth giggled as she led a limping Noah Puckerman across the hall. Thankfully, sparing me the task of having to explain why I needed to leave all of a sudden.
But how could I even begin to explain it to him? I barely knew how to process any of it myself. I was trapped in my head, and it was so insanely dark and twisted how Brittany's voice and actions permeated through all the good I had built up as a shield for my sins.
The flight back to Ohio seemed twice as long without Beth to keep me company. Having her with me was better than the first-class seat that I was in.
"Would you like anything, Miss?" The flight attendant asked as I sat, writing a list of what I needed to do when I got back home.
"Whiskey, please." I asked, handing her my debit card and my ID. She barely looked at the id as she poured a cup for me. "Thank you." I said as she handed me the cup and a napkin. My first instinct was to knock back the drink and ask for another, but that wouldn't solve my problems.
Not much could.
The way that Brittany was essentially threatening me and how much my body responded to it made me feel sick to my stomach. How could she think that what I wanted was her? Maybe on some level, my body was craving anyone's touch, any kind of contact that would make my body hum with satisfaction, but this...thing was not healthy or desired.
I just wanted to escape everything, especially the two of them. Where Santana goes, Brittany follows, and I don't want to have to feel like I was being threatened any time that I so much sneezed in Santana's direction.
Her friendship was valuable and dear to me, but it wasn't worth trading my soul for.
"Would you like another?" The flight attendant was back, and I looked at her in confusion; it had only been a few minutes. I looked at my empty cup and then at my phone screen. There were still three hours left on the flight. I looked up at her and nodded.
"Can you make it a double?" She looked around and leaned in.
"I'm not supposed to, but you look like you could use it. Am I right?" She was close enough for me to see the dark freckles on her tan skin. She smelled like chocolate, and I felt the urge to lean in and capture her lips. What the hell?
"You are...could you cut me off after this? Even if I beg you?" I asked, and she looked me over for a long moment as she contemplated my request. I could see her starting to second-guess her decision to give me a double, but then she shrugged.
"I can do that."
"Thank you."
"We all have a bad day, but hey, once you hit bottom, that's it; you can't go any lower." She said, handing me the cup, grazing my fingers as she pulled away.
"You would think." I muttered, feeling like my life was a series of dark roads and bottoms that seemed to have a secret door to an all-new low. Each time that I sunk, I always managed to find a new bottom.
I couldn't live that way any longer. I needed to choose a future for Beth and me that was far, far away from Brittany and, by extension...Santana.
I just hoped that by doing so, I'd get Brittany out of my head once and for all. I laid my head back and took a sip of my drink this time; I did my best to be aware of each sip, hoping to clear my mind.
My eyes were closed as we coasted along. Peace was settling over me, and then there was a sharp laugh from behind me that sounded way too similar to one that had chuckled in my ear after I moaned, and then her voice was back.
"I knew you'd be a whore for anyone, a good little slut...anyone can make you feel like that...even me."
And as I flew thousands of miles above ground, the first of many tears began to make their slow trek across my cheeks. I just continued to sip, the words continuing to repeat.
"...you don't really love her, just what she can make you feel...whore for anyone...anyone can make you feel like that...even me."
My minor attraction to the flight attendant proved just how right Brittany had to be.
How had I been blind to it for so long?
Maybe this was what Russell saw when he looked at me, and it's probably why he remained disgusted with me; even after all this time and a degree from Yale, he still would rather forget that I was born. I shamed him.
And now...I was beginning to be ashamed of myself and just what I was...
"...whore for anyone, a good little slut."