This Too Shall Pass Away (Phyllis Hyman)
The flight home had given me time to think about just what needed to happen for me to cut ties with Lima and everyone that I had come to know as friends.
A clean break was best, and with Brittany becoming more and more insane by the day, I knew that there was no way that spending the rest of the summer in Lima was good for me.
Mother was in California with Frannie, having flown straight there from Beth's party, so I had a house for the next week.
My first instinct was to get wasted, but I couldn't let myself be under any other influence but my own.
I was within a one-block radius of Maribel's house and ten blocks from Brittany's parent's house. I knew for a fact that Antonio didn't allow Brittany in his house, and Santana hated going to the Pierce's since she was allergic to the cats.
If they were in Lima, they were at Maribel's.
I did NOT need to be inebriated if Brittany came knocking.
Calling Santana was out of the question.
At least I knew for a fact that Maribel would answer her phone, and since she was my therapist and the one person who seemed to pull me out of my funks like the pro that she is, I called her once I got settled and was happy to hear her voice come through clear and calm.
"Where are you?" She asked, not even announcing who was calling her out loud, which meant she was either busy or didn't want anyone to know.
"I just got home, and I had the urge to raid the medicine cabinets, but I called you instead."
"Good to hear. I'm coming over. We need to talk."
"Okay."
"Did you want me to..." She started to say before I cut her off.
"NO! Please, don't tell them that I'm home. Not yet."
"Okay, I'll see you soon, Mi'ja. Get that coffee started, Yeah?" She said in her very Maribel way.
"You got it."
Even though I was expecting her, my heart was trapped in my throat as I watched Maribel's car pull into the driveway. She pulled around the back of the house, where her car couldn't be seen from the road and parked. I watched anxiously as I tried to figure out what I wanted to say to her. I had left the back door open while I poured out two cups in the kitchen.
I heard the backdoor open and shut and then the click of heels.
"Better make that three." I heard a familiar voice say, and I froze, my hands clutching the counter as Santana's scent wafted in, blinding my senses. I turned around and saw her standing in the doorway, grinning. "I'm sorry about the cryptic voicemail. I hope you're not too pissed at me."
"What did I say when you insisted on coming with me?" Maribel said to her when she saw my visceral reaction.
"That I was not to make her uncomfortable, but come on, Mami, she's my best friend!" Santana looked at me with a cautious smile. "Tell her, Q, you're happy to see me, aren't you?"
I turned around and picked up the two mugs, my hands shaking uncontrollably as Brittany's words were screaming in my head. I took a deep breath and then turned around, my hands as still as I could make them.
"You shouldn't have come. We both know that. Since you're here, though, I'm not going to make you leave." I said, completing the trek from the counter to the kitchen table.
"Shit. I can go if you both want me to. It's just that Britt and her mom are going to be in Toledo overnight. I didn't want to be at the house all by myself." She said, her face filled with annoyance and rejection as she began to edge back towards the hallway.
The thought of Brittany not popping up in the next five minutes gave me the courage to look Santana in the eye.
"Sit down and have coffee with us. I needed to talk to you both anyway. It's...important." I turned away from her, began filling the third cup, and was making my way back to the table when I saw Maribel looking nervously into her cup as she added milk. She opened her mouth to say something, but Santana cut her off and said the unthinkable...
"Is it about you making out with Brittany on the Ferris Wheel because she told me already and while it hurt, I forgive you both. Just don't go making it a habit." She said dryly.
It was like a punch to the stomach; the cup slipped from my fingers and smashed into the floor, splashing my legs and the counters.
"What did you just say?" I said, not caring about the coffee and broken shards of porcelain covering everything. I could feel Maribel's eyes on me, but I was staring directly at Santana, who had one hand on the back of a chair and had been in the process of sitting. She looked at me in shock, then at my mess, and smiled.
"No need to get upset, it's fine. I'm not angry at you...Britt said that she came on to you, and things just got carried away."
WHORE FOR ANYONE...
"I can't believe her. That bitch." I muttered.
Neither Santana nor Maribel said a word about me calling Brittany a bitch. They cleaned up the mess and suggested that we take our coffee into the den, but I couldn't move.
"Do you want to tell me what that was about?" Santana asked once she and her mom were sitting again. I knew this was my chance to explain everything, but it wouldn't be easy. If only it were just Maribel without the added feeling of Santana's eyes.
"She threw herself at me, I tried to push her off, I begged her to stop, but she..." I put my hand to my throat, remembering the painful pleasure of her cutting off my oxygen. "She didn't stop...she told me...to stay away from you, and now that I'm back..." I was talking into my hands, but they were both raptly listening to me. "She told me if I talk to you, she'd make me pay. I...I won't be staying home long."
We sat in silence as the words I had been willing to keep tight to my chest slipped out.
"How did it happen? I need details." Santana's voice was hollow and cold as she slapped her hands down on the table. "This just doesn't make any sense. She's Brittany, for God's sake. She's not a rapist! Are you sure you're not making more out of this than really happened?"
"Santana! How dare you say such a thing! Quinn is your best friend. Why would she lie?"
"And Brittany is my WIFE. She didn't have to tell me anything, but she chose to tell me about the Ferris Wheel. It just can't be true...I don't believe you." Santana stood from the table, the chair sliding back. I thought she'd storm out, but she walked over to me instead and crouched into my line of sight. Her eyes looked up into mine, hurt and anger lining her face. "Tell me what happened, Q, make me understand."
I was hurt, but now that it was all out there, what was stopping me? I put my hand on Santana's throat and pressed down. Her eyes got wild, but she didn't move.
"She put her hand on my neck like this, and she pushed her knee against me...down there until I came. She called me a slut and a whore and told me to stay away from you, and then...once the ride stopped, she fixed up my hair and got off the ride like it was no big deal. Like she hadn't just assaulted me. Like she hadn't just made me feel like the lowest piece of trash that has ever existed." I pulled my hand away, and tears were instantly in her eyes. I could see her recognizing the way that Brittany had made her point.
I could see the belief in her eyes, but I still didn't feel vindication.
"Why didn't you call me?"
"I did! You didn't answer."
She hit her forehead with her palm.
"I blocked your number to keep myself honest…I unblocked it, hoping to see some amazing birthday pictures…I didn't realize I missed it. Sorry, Q."
"Well, she answered your phone and told me that we needed to have another talk...because there I was calling you again. I...you being here right now is the last thing I wanted or needed."
"Mami..." Santana stood to her feet and put a hand on her mom's shoulder. "Why don't you go ahead home? Let me...stay here with Quinn."
"No. Despite what Brittany did, SHE is your wife, and you need to deal with her, not Quinn. Entiendes?"
"But Ma-"
"Entiendes?" Maribel said, her face not giving a hint of her feelings away.
"Yes. I understand. I'm going to call her."
"Ahora."
"Okay. Q...I'm sorry this happened. I'll talk to her and get to the bottom of this. I promise." Santana gave me a kind smile and then left the room, shutting the French doors behind her.
I felt like throwing the table across the room. I was so angry, but I just glanced at Maribel. Our eyes met, and the impassive look had turned into one of anger.
She slid her cup across the table towards me. "Do you have anything stronger?"
I was still in disbelief that I dared, to be honest, almost as soon as I saw Maribel and Santana. A few years ago, I would have stalled, but the stakes were higher these days. Everything I did would affect Beth, and I needed to be the kind of person she could look up to, which meant being upfront even when it seemed impossible.
I had planned to tell Maribel and have her help me tell Santana, but I guess things happened the way God intended them to.
"I'm proud of you, Mi'ja. That took a lot of guts."
"Yeah?"
"It did, and I want you to know that no matter what happens next, I will always be in your corner." She took hold of my hand, her eyes serious and focused. "I tried to stop the marriage before it was even in the planning stages because there is just something off about that family, but love is not just blind; it's blinding. My daughter is no exception."
"I love her. I just have come to realize that it's not time for us yet. She needs to get Brittany out of her system."
"And if she never does?"
I poured us each some rum and then took a quick drink. She threw hers back like it was no big deal and pushed her cup back towards the bottle. I finished my rum and then poured more. The feeling of alcohol in my system after so long made my body tingle and grow hot. I knew that just one more drink would push me towards being tipsy, but I was home, and Brittany was far away. I would be safe now; I had to be. Santana and Maribel weren't going to let her near me now. I had to believe that.
"If she never does, then I'm just going to have to keep on living my life separated from Santana, and although it will hurt, Beth needs me more than she does."
"You're absolutely right. Now let's talk about Brittany."
"I'm not going to press charges. It's not worth it. Just keep her away from me, and I'll be okay."
"Are you sure?"
"No, but I have to be. I don't have the luxury of having time to wallow in my own pity. I have a life to get on with."
When Santana returned to the kitchen, Maribel and I were halfway through a bottle of rum. Maribel was holding her own much better than me, who couldn't draw up a tear if I tried.
We were looking at all the pictures that I had taken of Beth, and I was telling her everything that had happened in Texas, everything positive, that is. The Brittany discussion had been tabled until we had more of an idea of Santana's next move.
It was the best that I could do.
Santana came into the kitchen and tossed her phone onto the table. The screen was shattered, and the case was broken. Her eyes were glazed over as she slid into the seat across from me. From the looks of it, Brittany had told the truth.
"Mi'ja?" Maribel said, pouring her a drink before sliding the cup to her. Santana reached for the cup blindly and drank thirstily from it before holding it out for more. It was almost amusing to see Maribel feeding Santana rum like it was juice. "You talked to Brittany?"
"She admitted it. Like it was nothing, she laughed about it. I don't know who she is anymore. How could she do this? It doesn't make any fucking sense!" Santana looked over at me and gave me a small smile. "I'm pretty sure I can't stay married to her now. I kept my promise to you, but I think I need to break it. I know that doesn't change what she did to you, but know that I'm on your side, Q."
"It's not about sides."
"But it is. That's exactly what this is about. Me picking a side, me picking her over you, and I can't. She's becoming unrecognizable to me. The woman that I fell in love with, the one that I married, is not the same person who took advantage of you on that Ferris Wheel or the person who faked a suicide attempt to get me to agree not to talk to you again. For her, this is a game that she's trying to win."
"I'm sorry, Santana."
"No. I'm sorry. I dragged you into this mess because I decided to go to New Haven instead of being there for her audition for Julliard. It's gone too far, but I know that the sooner I end things, the sooner we can all move on."
"I hope you mean that San, because I don't think I can deal with her taking the shit between the two of you out on me. We had sex over a year ago while she was with Sam. She needs to let it go. I know I have."
Once Maribel and Santana left, I was tempted to call Sue, but I just knew that if she got involved, this whole situation would get messier.
So, instead, I cleaned and then went to physical therapy.
I ended up running on my own until I felt like my mind was clear, and then I went back to the house.
After a detour to visit Noah's mom to update her on Beth and thank her for sending a birthday gift, I went back home.
It was just before sunset, when everything was golden, and there Santana stood holding a takeout bag from Breadstix with a soft smile.
"I can't fix what she did, but I can make sure that you know that you're loved and supported."
"Does she know you're here?"
"What?"
"I don't want her coming for me again, San, please…tell me, does she know?"
"No. I turned my location off."
"How about I come to your place instead?"
"But then we won't be alone."
"Exactly."
I'm glad that I insisted on going back to her mom's house. Being there with Santana and her parents felt like a safe place.
"I heard what she did to you, Quinn. Did you see anyone afterward? Are you feeling any additional pain?" Antonio asked me after we'd stuffed ourselves with food and wine.
"I only have one bruise left." I admitted, which got Santana's attention.
"Show me!" She said, pulling away from the conversation she was having with Maribel.
I lifted my shirt and showed them the fading fist-sized bruise on my side.
Santana ghosted her fingers over it and then looked at me with tears filling her beautiful brown eyes.
"It doesn't hurt, I'm okay." I promised.
"You should leave before she gets back. I can't let her hurt you again."
"Let her? That girl does whatever she wants regardless of what you say, Tata." Antonio said, and Santana flinched.
"You don't agree that Quinn should leave?"
"I think that's Quinn's decision alone. What you should be concerned with is how you are going to handle what your wife did. Hopefully better than when I told you about poor little Tito."
"Papi, she didn't kick your dog!" Santana said with a smirk.
"Pues, you don't have to believe me, pero you can't deny what she did to the woman that you love."
Santana's eyes got wide, and she looked to her mother for help.
Maribel raised an eyebrow at her and then came over to me with her arms wide open.
"Quinn, if you want to stay tonight, you can."
"No thanks, I don't think that's a good idea."
"You two go back to your plotting, I'm going to take Quinn home." Antonio said, and I didn't argue.
My parents' house sat halfway between Antonio and Maribel's houses, so I was on his way home, and I had a feeling he wanted to talk to me without interruption.
"Listen, just like when Russell got too rough, and you'd come to me for help, know that you still can. Just because my daughter has her head in her ass and can't see how this girl is going to be her ruin doesn't mean that I feel the same."
"Thank you, but I don't want to make things awkward."
"That girl isn't allowed in my house. If you need a safe space, you can always come to me."
"Thank you, Pop."
He gave me a good squeeze and then pressed a key in my hand. "Use it."
Even though I insisted on going home and had stressed to her that being alone together was dangerous, long after I went to bed, Santana climbed through my window and wrapped me in her arms.
I fell asleep feeling safe for the first time in days and woke up alone.
And even though I knew I should be moving on, I touched myself while inhaling the smell of her on my sheets.
Then the words were back.
WHORE…SLUT…WHORE…SLUT…YOU DON'T LOVE HER
But I did love Santana; it was impossible to stop. I just had to keep it in my heart for now.
I knew in my heart that we'd always find each other again.
Even if it broke my heart.