My Mind & Me (Selena Gomez)
I cradled Beth in my arms as we stood in the bathroom with the hot shower. She was gasping against my neck, waiting for the medicine to kick in. She'd been off the plane for two hours and was already sick.
"Looks like she's asleep. She usually conks out once the medicine is in her system. I'm sorry that this is your first night, but I'm glad that I'm here to see you through it."
"Thanks." I said to Lydia as I hummed to my baby girl.
"No problem. Asthma is hard on kids, and flying can really make it worse, so let's not put her on a plane for a while."
"Yeah, definitely."
"How are you feeling in your new place? I think you picked a good one."
I nodded, trying not to think of my morning visitors from a few days ago. Maribel had tried to convince me to move, but I refused to hop around every time Brittany knew the block I lived on.
The buck has to stop somewhere. Besides, I will be way more alert and protective now that Beth is under my roof. I was going to do my best to protect her, and there was no way that I would allow someone like Brittany near my baby girl.
I crawled into bed and wrapped myself around my little girl, with her nebulizer and all her Asthma accouterments in arm's reach, while I held her close.
It had only been just under three days, and she seemed like she had been sick for ages.
"You know, you should really let her sleep. The last thing that you need is to get sick right along with her. I made you some tea. Come out to the living room and sit with me?" Lydia asked, looking concerned.
When Maribel had left me that afternoon, saying that she needed to get home because of an emergency, I thought I had got off scot-free. I could get away from talking about what had happened, but I had left Lydia in the dark for too long, and she deserved to know.
Even if I didn't want to look damaged in front of her, if there was ever going to be a chance between us, I wanted her to see me as pretty damn perfect for as long as I could, but that didn't seem to be in the cards for us.
I had to be okay with that. This wasn't something that I chose to go through; none of it was.
"So that's pretty much it." I said as I sat back on the couch and finally got around to drinking my now lukewarm tea. Lydia sat on the other end of the couch, staring at me wide-eyed and looking pale. "Are you okay?" I asked after her silence was getting too loud.
"Fuck asking if I'm okay, are you?" She sat forward, put her tea down and scooted closer to me, her bent leg the only thing between us. "And it's not just because I'm leaving my favorite little person with you. I really care about you, Quinn, and that is so much to have on your shoulders and in your heart."
I nodded and swallowed dryly, not wanting the disgusting tea I didn't have the heart to tell Lydia that I hated.
"I know. The terrible part about it is that even though it happened just a few months ago, the more I tell it, the more it feels like it happened to someone else. It's not like I see her every day. It's when I SEE her that I start to remember."
"But you said you hear her voice in your head...calling you those names?" She looked my face over, trying to see if there were any traces of the hurts I had suffered.
"All the time, I've just mastered turning the volume down really low. If I keep busy, it's easy to cover the noise with other things."
"So you're running away from it...or at least...you're trying to?"
"Are you trying to shrink me?" I asked, not quite able to hold back a smile.
She shrugged and blushed. "My undergrad was Child Psychology, but a lot of it is the same. Burying your emotions isn't good at any age. You aren't going to be able to avoid her forever, but you can learn to cope better when you see her."
"I think I did pretty good the other day. I didn't have a panic attack."
"Every time will be different. What happens when you have reunions at school? Are you just going to avoid them?"
"It's worked for me thus far...and that was before any of this happened."
She nodded, wanting to say more, but I could tell she was holding back.
"I wish that you had told me that day. I would have whooped her ass right in that amusement park."
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, well, that is the last thing that I wanted at Beth's party."
"I know, but still...I could have taken her to the side, out of eyesight of Beth and taken care of her."
"Well, you know, hindsight is 20/20. We can't always go back. Trust me, I've tried."
I fell asleep with my head in Lydia's lap, her stroking my hair and humming to me. I could tell that singing wasn't her, but at least the tune was nice.
When I woke up with Lydia's limbs draped over me, she was already awake and looking at me with concern.
"I tried so hard to let you sleep...she's just been coughing for a few minutes, and I realized it's time for another breathing treatment. Now that you're up, you want to give it to her? I'll walk you through it."
The first time around, Lydia had helped Beth with the machine, but now that she was going to be my responsibility full-time, it was good to know.
I followed Lydia into the bedroom I had picked for Beth, painted in shades of blues and yellows. She was sitting up, her eyes half open, staring at the nightlight that was making pretty shadows on the ceiling with a smile on her face.
"Hey bunny, your Mama Q here wants to help us breathe...we are going to show her how to help, okay?" Lydia said as she sat on the edge of the bed.
Beth nodded and squeaked out a response that I couldn't understand.
I could see her smile turn to pain as she tried to speak, and Lydia nodded, whispering back to her softly.
"Try not to talk too much, I'll show her. You just keep being my best patient. Okay, Bunny?"
Beth nodded again and rested back against the pillows, closing her eyes. Seeing her like this made me wonder what I could have done differently when I was pregnant to prevent this kind of thing.
"Stop blaming yourself and get over here." Lydia said as she pulled the medicine out of the side drawer.
She handed me the plastic mask with the medicine container attached, walked me through the steps, and encouraged me to go as quickly as possible.
I was a nervous wreck, but I managed to get it done, feeling a sense of accomplishment once I slipped the mask over Beth's head.
She looked like a little pilot; she needed some aviators, and she'd be all set. I was tempted to get her some just for these moments.
Anything to make it less stressful for her.
That night, once I got Lydia settled in what was becoming my very busy guest room, I went back to Beth to check on her because Lydia had scared me about getting sick.
When I pushed the door open, though, she was lying there with her eyes open and a soaked pillow.
"Hey? Why are you crying?" I asked, and she looked at me for a second before her face crumpled.
"I..." She said and then took a deep breath...or attempted to. "Accident." She said, and then more tears came. "Potty. Too far." And then more tears.
"Oh honey, it's fine. That's okay. I'll get you cleaned up!" I said, happy to actually be able to do something for her. "I'll be right back!"
I rushed into the bathroom, ran the water for a bath, and put a few bubbles in for her. When I returned, she hadn't moved an inch, but her tears seemed to be drying up a bit.
Once I got her settled in the tub, I knocked on the guest room and asked Lydia for some assistance getting her room cleaned up while I bathed her. Happy to be up and moving around, we fell back into a wordless grove.
One thing that I had always envied between Brittany and Santana was just being more intuitive.
Something I was sure only smart people had, but then again...Brittany was an idiot savant.
I bristled when I found myself thinking about the two of them while I got Beth tucked back into bed.
Lydia was right...this wasn't something that I could push down and ignore. I was going to have to deal with these feelings sooner rather than later.
Those first two days when Beth was sick felt like an eternity.
Once Beth was feeling better, Puck came swooping in to take her for an entire day.
He wanted to take her to see the beach, and since I didn't care for the hot, sticky feeling of being on a beach, I was excused from having to suffer.
After Beth left, I spent an hour scrubbing every surface and washing everything I could fit in the washing machine while Lydia watched in amusement.
"So…how many women have you been with, Quinn?"
"Three I think."
"Is there anything you've wanted to try that you haven't?"
I blushed and shrugged, "I'm a top, Lydia, I'm almost always in control no matter who I'm with. For once, I'd like to give myself to someone and let them take over and know I'm safe."
"Do I make you feel safe?"
"Yes."
"Great. Finish up, and then I'll give you what you want."
After three hours of letting Lydia have her way with me, I could see why people loved to give up control, and while she rocked my world, and I had a handful of orgasms, I didn't feel satisfied.
She seemed so cocky afterward when I was laying there panting, and I decided to let her live in that delusion because I liked what we had.
After I got her off, but only with my tongue because she insisted she didn't need anything more, we spent the morning in bed, talking about everything I'd gone through to that point and what my next steps should be.
Lydia was everything I wished I could be, so self-assured and beautiful.
When she kissed me and then made me swear not to make a big deal out of it, I felt like I was with Santana.
Santana used to insist that she slept with people to keep warm and that sex was nothing.
So, for the second time in my life, I gave in to being with a woman who I was 100% sure wasn't a college girl experiment.
And when it was over, and we went out to lunch like two old friends who hadn't just had mind-blowing sex, I knew that being self-assured wasn't out of my grasp.
It was like Lydia had given me more than just a part of herself; she'd taught me something I didn't know about myself.
I was happy when I put myself first without trying to prove my worth to anyone else.
That's how Santana had always lived before Brittany, as her unapologetic self.
I hoped to God that she didn't lose that part of herself while chasing after her wife.
"You're thinking too much again, girl. You need to get it together!"
"I know, I promise you that I'm ready to put Beth first."
"You don't have a choice. Please tell me you're still up for this because if you're not, I'll take Bunny back to Texas until you are more settled. It's a lot for you so fast, no hard feelings."
"No, Lydia, I got it. Beth is the sun, moon, and stars. I can't focus on things that I have no control over. It's fruitless."
"Exactly."
"One more round before you leave?" I asked, and she shook her head.
"Nope, once is for fun, twice is when feelings are developed, and that's not what you need right now."
"Okay, fine, you're right."
"I know I am. Now, you promised me a tour of the city...so finish your food and let's go get on one of those big buses."
"You've got it."