Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood (Nina Simone)

SANTANA'S POV

"And then she hung up on Mami, who now refuses to take my calls. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about it. I miss her. Mami has never gone this long without talking to me."

Papi nodded, his normally slicked-back grey hair looking frayed like he had spent the last few hours running his fingers through it. He looked more tired than I felt, and I had a sinking feeling that he was getting sick again, but this wasn't the time or place to ask him about it.

"I know, Tata...I know. She came to my house and ranted for two hours about how disrespectful you had been to her. You've been so wrapped up in that girl who kicked my dog," Cue my eye roll because seriously, that was five years ago! "that I wasn't sure you'd make it back here today."

"I'd never miss today, Papi. It's like a family holiday...only it's not really a celebration, is it?"

"Hasn't been for a long time." He said and then pushed his hand through his hair and put his head back on the headrest. "She's not normally this late. You should call her."

"Do I have to?" I groaned as I pulled out my phone.

"Normally, you come here with your mom. She loves you, Tata, even if right now it seems like she is siding with Quinn." I opened my mouth to respond, but he held his hand up and continued. "I know that you are also on Quinn's side, but like I've told you before, you come up with these plans in your head and want people to silently understand why you do what you do and say the things that you say. People don't work like that. They only judge based on what they see. It's all at face value. We forget that to err is human. Your Mother will always be on your side first. She knows how you feel about that girl, and so she loves her extra on the strength of you."

"I know."

"Do you?"

"Of course, Papi! Mami cares about my friends and her patients, but not enough to fly over a thousand miles for them."

"See, Tata, her going off to clean up YOUR messes proves she cares about you."

"I know, I know."

"Yeah, Yeah, you and your Mother know everything. Now, make the call."

"Fine." I groaned.

The phone rang once, and then Mami was talking before I could.

"Santana, I will not allow you to make today about you. It's my son's birthday, and I would rather be there alone. I'll go by myself after you leave."

"I'm sorry, Mami." I said, and she sniffed.

"Your actions need to match your sentiments."

"Okay."

"Cuídate y Dios te bendiga."

She said before hanging up on me.

I let out a frustrated growl, and Papi arched his eyebrow.

"Try again."

"This is a futile effort, Papi."

"I know that, but you know everything, so I'm sure you know why I'm making you do it anyway."

I groaned, because he'd obviously taken offense.

"No, Papi. Please tell me."

He smirked, I wish appeasing Mami was this easy.

"You are doing it so that she knows you care, she will see the effort."

"Okay, Papi. Please only one more time."

"Deal."

For the first time in my life, my Mother was not coming to the cemetery with us, at least not while I was there, and she reaffirmed it after ignoring my second call and shooting me a text in response.

How rude is that?

It made me angry because despite what Papi said, it didn't seem like Mami was on my side.

"Come on, let's go visit your brother. I don't want you to miss your train back to the city."

"Okay."

I tried to suppress the rejection by my Mother today, our family remembrance of my older brother...a day we have been honoring and remembering the same way since as far back as I could remember.

It had been a week since I had last spoken to her, a week since Brittany hung up on her.

I was naive to think that today, of all days, she would put her anger aside to focus on my brother, but I guess there was a line in the sand, and I had to begrudgingly respect that.

The polished stone showed some definite signs of wear after twenty-five years of snow and rain, but the picture with Anthony's perky little face seemed to be just as new as the day it was put on the stone.

He looked more like Mami with fairer skin and an easy smile, while I took after Papi in looks and temperament. A perpetual scowl seemed to be easier than smiling for us, and today, of all days, they etched even deeper.

Anthony was their honeymoon baby who learned to play guitar by five and brought them nothing but joy before Cancer snatched him away at the age of seven. This was the most that I knew about him because my parents refused to talk about him on any day but today.

I had been their replacement baby, the one that was supposed to help them cope with losing their golden child, but it seemed that I had been nothing but a disappointment as of late, and I knew that a lot of that had to do with Brittany and how poorly I dealt with what she did to Quinn.

Quinn, the bruised and broken product of Russell's abuse, who had spent countless nights with us as a teenager, had been hurt by the one person they had begrudgingly accepted into their family.

They were taking the rapes very personally; honestly, it didn't surprise me much. There are times that I'm pretty sure that if Quinn had been their daughter, teen pregnancy and all, they would have still loved her more than they love me because she was a survivor like them.

Teen pregnancy, no sweat, she bounced back. Broken back, pssshh, bitch was walking by prom. Missed school because she was a skank, but it was no big deal; Yale still wanted her.

One of the hardest colleges in the nation, Yeah, right? She did it in three years and was now talking about being a doctor while raising the kid she essentially loaned to Shelby.

She was flawless. Not even Brittany could break her, even if she thinks that she did.

Against Quinn, B doesn't stand a chance, but I chose her. I decided to go for first love, for the person who chased me.

A love that has always accepted me as I am and never pushed me to be something I'm not. Shit, come to think of it, if I step out of my box, she is always the first to tell me to stay in my lane.

And it's making me resent her even more, if that's even possible, after she did such despicable things.

The rain started to come down harder, so Papi tried to steer me back to the car, but I refused.

"Just leave me here. Please?"

"In the rain?"

"There's a tree over there...I'll stand under it. Please, Papi. I just...I'm not ready to go yet."

"Tata...you'll get sick."

"I already am sick, sick of the way you guys favor everything over me!" I snapped, not even sure where that thought had come from. His face was filled with disappointment as he looked at me in disbelief.

Hadn't I just been worried that HE was sick again? What the hell is wrong with me?

"Oh, stop the pity party, Santana. Marrying her was foolish, and you regret it. She's blackmailing you, but YOU let her. You went on and on about OTP and spent my money on those ridiculous hats, but WE supported you. We were there for you and didn't complain once. We love you despite the things you do and who you are. Stop making stupid choices, and your life will start to be something worth living. Now let's go."

"Aww, Thanks, Papi. How do I go about my life each day without your penchant for good advice? How do I survive in the big bad city without you and Mami riding my ass every single day? Why can't you guys stop worrying about the kid who's dead and worry about the one who is alive for once!" I snapped back.

I watched silently, fuming over my life, taking it out on him still. He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. I could tell he wanted to walk away from me, but that wasn't how we operated.

"Excuse me?" His nostrils flared as he took in my words. Red flags were waving, and alarms were signaling me to back off, but I couldn't stop myself.

"You heard me, and I didn't stutter." I had the nerve to say. It was like an out-of-body experience.

Who the hell did I think I was talking to?

I had crossed a big line, and I knew it; I expected him to put me in my place.

That may be why I had picked a fight.

I swallowed my nausea as I crossed my arms over myself, the hot summer rain feeling sticky against my skin as all the product dripped from my hair. I was crying, but it was probably hard to tell.

The rain soaked his clothes as he stood there with a hand resting on the tombstone of his firstborn as he glared at me.

This was not what he wanted to be doing, but he still was because he was just as dedicated to me as he was to saving other people's lives.

I knew it.

It had always been obvious, but that didn't stop me from being a brat. This was so obviously a cry for help and attention after feeling rejected by Mami, but it backfired.

Big time.

"This is what's going to happen, Santana," Full first name...bad sign." from here on out, you get no more money from me or your Mother. Maybe then you will see just how much we carry you AND Brittany. Let's see how long you last when you see how hard it is to get by without our worry and concern. Let's see how you maintain that ocean view, 4,000 a month rent for that little 2 bedroom in Queens without me."

"You don't mean that. There is no way that you would cut me off, not when I'm all you have left!" I said, feeling hollow and numb.

There was no way he could be serious...no way!

He took my hand and held it up so that my wedding band was gleaming.

"If this version of you, this married, disrespectful fool that you have become, blind to the sociopath in the bed that I paid for, is the daughter that I have left. The child who is becoming an ungrateful, disloyal, and selfish individual is the alternative to this child that I buried." He said, looking down at the tombstone and then back at me. "Then I would rather him than you."

"Papi...I didn't mean any of it...come on, Mami is already mad; you can't turn on me." I begged, but he just shook his head.

"You turned on me and HIM first. Get in the car, let me take you to the train. Brittany is probably wondering how you got off your leash."

"That's low. She's family."

"If she were truly family, then she'd be here. How many times did Quinn come with you over the years?"

"Countless."

"And how many times has that girl?"

"Never. But she knows it's important."

"I don't fucking care what she knows! I don't care what she thinks. I care that she is undermining the person that me, Maribel, and your abuela have raised. I don't care that you love women. I care that you love her." He snapped, shocking me with his abrasive language. I climbed into the car, feeling like I had just had my ass handed to me, which is definitely not something I'm used to from my father ever.

"I'm sorry, Papi."

"Apology not accepted. Hopefully, the next time you come home, you'll have dropped this insolent behavior and remember that in THIS family, respect isn't an option. It's an expectation and a guarantee. It's always been reciprocal. Don't you dare act like an insolent brat with me, Tata. I raised you better. You already know I'm not the one to play with."

"Papi, I'm hurt, and I messed up. I'm really sorry."

"No, not yet, you're not. I support you in life because you didn't ask to be born. We had you as a filler baby, and I promised myself that I would make sure that you didn't grow up resenting why you were made."

"Yeah, well, that's not something you can throw money at."

"My point exactly. Don't bite the hand that feeds you, Santana. You know better. Maybe when you have to truly struggle, you'll see just how fortunate you've been."

The whole world had flipped upside down, and as I sat there, reevaluating my dumb choices, I realized that most of it was my fault.

The rain had stopped by the time we got to the station; my train wasn't supposed to show up for another hour. We had planned to go to lunch after the cemetery, but Papi couldn't get rid of me any faster if he tried.

I had stormed from the car, fully expecting my father to pull off and go about his way, cutting me off, not even bothering to look back or thank him for the ride. I thought he'd leave without a word.

It's what I would have done, but he was smarter and more compassionate than me.

"Here, drink this. You're shaking." Papi said as he sat on the bench next to me.

I took the cup and saw my hand shaking worse than I had realized.

The coffee warmed up my chest more than usual.

I could taste the honey brandy he loved so much and smiled.

He sighed loudly, and when I looked at him, I saw he was also having some of this spiked coffee.

"Do you have a bar in your car, Papi?" I teased, hoping he would at least reciprocate. He gave a tight smile that looked more like a grimace.

"I keep it in my trunk for extreme situations."

"We've definitely hit extreme then."

"Indeed."

"You know, Papi, I know Mami loves Q, but I didn't realize that you loved her just as much."

"Just ask me." He said, knowing me too well.

"Were you the one that helped her after? I know she isn't working. There's no way she just fled to Philly without help."

"Why does that matter to you?"

"I'm not trying to start anything. I'm asking because I'm grateful that she could go. I'm glad she had someone in her corner."

He nodded. "She got a raw deal with those parents of hers. Judy has stepped up, but she still falls short of the goal line. I've patched up many wounds on Judy, Frannie, and Quinn. They've all moved on, and I needed to make sure that the woman my daughter loves was still whole by the time you got your head out of your ass."

"Well damn."

"I'm not sanctioning adultery. If you somehow manage to make your marriage work, I applaud you. I just know that Quinn is family, I love her, and if her father isn't going to be the man he needs to be, then I will, regardless of what is going on with you."

"Thank you, Papi."

"I don't think I have ever heard you apologize or give thanks as much as you have today."

"Yeah, well, like you said, my head has been in my ass. I'm going to start being the daughter you raised. I messed up, and Mami's right, I have to be more than just talk."

"We all have our share of problems; we all deal differently, but I will always be your father. Respect is not something I will compromise on."

"I know."

"What happened back at the cemetery...that was not my best moment."

"Mine either." I admitted. "I'm just so stressed out, and I should not take it out on you or disrespect you. I didn't mean to do that. I love you, and I'm sorry."

"I know."

"I'm so full of regrets, Papi. I don't want to add to them, and it seems that I can't stop myself. I have good intentions, a bunch of them, and I worry that I'm not making any of the right choices."

"You're too young to be so full of doubts and regrets. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Sometimes that just isn't enough. You need to make better decisions, or your intentions mean nothing."

"I just don't know what to do, Papi. I screwed up big time, and I don't know if I can fix it. The last thing I need is to bring a child into this world with her, and God help me. I love her. She's ingrained in me and it's hard to not see the girl I fell in love with when I look at her, but I know that she's not that person anymore."

"That's obvious, Tata," My heart soared; we were back to my childhood nickname. "I think that you, as her wife, someone who vowed to love her in sickness and health, are doing more than your share. The problem with that idea is that sometimes you have to love a person enough to let them go. Losing your brother was hard on me and your Mother, but we tried to make it work. We had you, but it was broken, and we began to hate each other. She was smart enough to let me go...that way, we focused our attention on you. That way, we saved our friendship."

"That's what I want. I want out, but I don't want to lose her."

"You need to take yourself out of the equation if you ever plan to get that. She needs to be in a facility, and you need to be moving on. Modeling, if that's what you want and establishing a future. If you can be friends remains to be seen but it's not healthy to go on like it is."

"But how can I do that. How can I fix her, other than doing what she wants?"

"You need to get to the root of the problem because I can guarantee that she's looking at it from that perspective. You hurt her, and she's punishing you for that."

"She's punishing me for EVERYTHING ever."

"Are you still in love with Brittany?"

"No." It was instantaneous. Something I probably wouldn't have been able to do just a few months ago. "Not anymore. I love who she was and what we had, but no."

"Past tense."

"Yeah, definitely past tense."

"Is there a potential to fix it, say she gets her head together, has some meds in her to level her out, and becomes more like the Brittany that you used to know? Could you fall back in love with her?" He asked, and this time, it took me a little longer to reconcile my thoughts with my heart, but my answer hadn't changed.

"No. There is no going back to that Brittany, and I don't care what they do to fix her. Something is broken inside of her irreparably. I look at her, and I think of what she did to Quinn. Every time." I choked up and had to take another drink to calm my frayed nerves. "It sickens me what she did. I'm responsible for it. If I hadn't gone after Quinn or made my feelings so blatantly obvious, Brittany would have never gone after her."

"You can't fully blame yourself for her actions. There were better ways to handle your straying eyes, but assault is not one of them."

"I know."

"She hasn't hurt you, has she?" He asked, seeming like he wasn't even breathing as he waited for my answer.

"Only a little physically, just her being rougher than necessary. Most of her stuff is psychological and emotional. I'm starting to think she's been manipulating me all along."

He released a giant sigh and chugged his coffee for a long second before putting it back down.

"That's not good, Tata."

"Yeah. I know. It really sucks." I said sarcastically.

"And yet you keep going back." He rolled his eyes and then launched into another statement.

"I know."

"The next obvious thing would be to ask how you feel about Quinn, but really, regardless of how you feel, you need to take a step back from her. She's been in limbo for years over Beth, and now that she has this opportunity, you'll never forgive yourself if you get in the way of that."

"I agree. She's got big things happening, and that little girl has been through a lot. She needs the calm and the peace that only Quinn can give her."

"And you need to fix your marriage, whether that's ending it or getting Brittany help. What you do is up to you, but for now, leave Quinn alone."

"I am. I'm not ready for her...being with her means getting my shit together, off-loading baggage and being prepared to be a responsible adult. I'm not there yet, and with Brittany off the rails, it would be foolish to try to make something happen with Quinn right now."

"Good, I'm glad to see that you're thinking clearer."

"At least when it comes to Quinn. I am definitely thinking all the time. I don't want to bring my own child into the world because of how unprepared I am. There is no way I'm going to jeopardize Beth."

He put his arm around me and kissed my forehead, his lips lingering for a moment before he pulled away.

"That's my girl."

After discussing things with Papi and finally putting all of my drama out there for him like I normally did with Mami alone, he hugged me tight for a long time.

After he kissed my forehead and told me he loved me, I knew that he'd never let me fall too far.

With that in mind, I asked him to help me figure out what came next, and he didn't disappoint; it felt good to have some plan brewing in my mind, and it seemed to set his mind at ease.

The coffee was long gone, and we had both gone silent as we thought through everything.

Our time together was nearly over as the minutes ticked away, and I knew I only had so much time to make things right. I couldn't have BOTH of my parents mad at me, then who would I turn to when I finally got out of my marriage?

"I'm sorry for disrespecting you, Papi. I know you love me and that you care about me. This talk really helped me figure some things out."

"I'm glad."

"You and Mami have done a great job making sure that I have had everything that I've ever needed, even if that meant both of you working insane hours, and I am grateful for that as well, so thank you."

"Hmmm." He said, chuckling to himself. "I'm still cutting you off, Tata." He said, his voice sounding grave, or maybe that's just how I heard it because when I looked at him, he was smiling.

"Papi, come on?" I begged.

"The bank deposits are stopping after this month. That should hold you up and give you time to get a job."

"No job will give me enough to cover my rent and bills."

"Either stay a model or get two jobs, either way, in a month from now...the bills are due."

"But why are you doing this? Is this some lesson that I need to learn?"

"No, I just think that Brittany, knowing that you have a steady cash flow and that your apartment is paid for, is giving her a false sense of security. She needs to know that you have to work for your living. The rent is paid for September, so you have over a month to worry about paying for it."

"But she's not even living with me." I argued.

"But she expects you not to work and to have a place to call home, am I right?"

"Yes."

"Well, there you go. Now, if YOU need help, then we can talk about it privately but after today, I don't want any more of MY money or your Mother's going to her. Agreed?"

"Agreed. Modeling has been fun, and I still have a few jobs lined up that I had already been contracted on, so at least for now, while I search for what I want to do with my life, I can keep the lights on."

"Good."

It hurt to be cut off; I admit that I've always been a bit of a spoiled rich kid, at least when it comes to my father, and so the idea that a whole life of having an active bank account that he has willingly maintained, is coming to an end is terrifying, even if I knew that he was doing it with a good reason.

"Also, you need to talk to your Mother, and I mean, really talk to her about everything with no attitude. No disrespect. She deserves so much more credit than you're giving her."

"I know. I will."

"She'll tell me if you get smart with her. I'm going to tell her what I told you about money and about Brittany. I need you to promise me that you will let her have the rest of today to grieve and be pissed off. I will check in on her, make sure she's alright and then tomorrow, I want you to call her and make things right. Understand?"

The loudspeaker blared, signaling my train's arrival, and we both stood. Papi's scratchy gray goatee brushed my forehead as he kissed my hairline while pulling me into a deep hug.

"I understand. I love you, Papi."

"I love you too, Tata. Call me when you get to the city. Let me know you made it in one piece."

"Okay, call me after you talk to her. Let me know she's alright?" I asked as we made our way toward the edge of the platform.

"Yep. Now, go make some adult choices and just because I'm not funding you, doesn't mean you can't call me any time."

"I'm going to hold you to that."

"Good. ¡Que Dios te bendiga!"

"Bendicion, Papi!"

When I went to Lima to pay my respects to Anthony, just like always, I didn't expect my life to shift.

With some perspective, I could see just how much this would change things for me and B.

And just like I had been taught as a little girl, I bowed my head and asked God to direct my steps.

Quinn would be proud.

As I rode back to the city, I looked down at my phone, expecting a call or text from Brittany, but instead, it was Quinn who put a smile on my face.

I know we are mad at each other, but I didn't forget today. I hope you're taking care of yourself?-Quinn

I love you, and I'm here for you, Santana. Always.-Quinn

I stared at the message for a long time, tempted to delete it, just in case Brittany saw my phone, but then I realized and felt for the first time since I got married that I didn't care what my wife thought.

Her decisions haven't been logical or fair in quite some time, and the idea that locking me down with a baby and no career could stop me from loving Quinn was her most insane idea yet.

I'll keep my distance for Quinn's sake until I'm certain that none of my baggage could damage the gentle little bubble she and Beth lived in.

This deal wasn't going to work the way Brittany laid it out; marriage was not on the table anymore, especially with her still roaming the streets after what she'd done.

Maybe Julliard won't be happy to find out just what kind of person they have in their dance program.

It may be vindictive to set up my wife since, legally, I can't testify against her, but if it would get her some help and keep her from hurting anyone else, my love for her would make that happen.

In the meantime, suddenly, a bitch was broke, and there was no way I would lose my amazing apartment.

My mind was made up, and so with my peace of mind feeling a little more tangible, I messaged her back.

I'm on the road to taking care of myself. Heading back to N.Y. from Lima. Thanks for checking in.-S

And I love you, too, no matter what.-S